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My parents are near 90 years old and live in their home. My sister, who is unmarried, has moved in with them. My sister does the majority of the caregiving, partly because she is living with them and partly because she is extremely meticulous about it and my caregiving does not live up to her standards. All I ever wanted growing up was for my dad to treat my mom the way she deserved to be treated but that was asking too much. As a result, I've never been close to my dad. My sister had a tumultuous relationship with him also and eventually told him he was ruining her life. A few months later he had a serious accident and now requires daily care. Since the accident, my sister's number one priority has been his total and absolute happiness. I think she feels guilty because she had told him he was ruining her life. My mom is the most wonderful person in the world. Even though she is still living in her home, she has lost her independence, must essentially live under my sister's rule, and I feel she has lost her will to live. Her appetite is not very good and tests show she may have had a heart attack sometime in the last year. My mom would be much happier if my dad was in a nursing home but my sister will never ever let that happen and she's in charge. I cannot bear the thought of my mother living like this because it's her home, not my sister's. I try to make my mom's life better by getting her out so she can have fun but all she wants is to have her life back. It's just so awful and it's been this way for so long and I've stressed and cried and prayed and racked my brain over this for so long -- I just don't know what to do. I really feel like there is no answer but I cannot let my mom just waste away. She tries to put on a brave face but I know how I would feel if my son moved in with me in my old age and took over my home. Is there anything I can do? My sister is in charge and crossing her is really not pleasant.

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I have an idea.. why don't you bring your mum to live in your home and you can care for her and your sister can care for your dad in their home? I'm sure your sister must have her hands full caring for two people, I am live-in-caregiver for my mum and she alone is a full time job.
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A non involved objective party might help moderate the discussion that needs to be had. Is there an objective family member, spiritual leader, social worker, etc.
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Valley Girl -- You're right. There isn't any answer to your problem. That's because the problem is that you allow yourself to be upset by things you can't control.

You can't change your sister. Nor can you change your mother. Her insistence that life return to the way it used to be is irrational. And if she's obsessing over that then it may be that medical intervention is needed. In any case, people are how they are and the only thing you can control is how you manage yourself in relationship with them.

Reaching out to people on this website is a good start and there's nothing wrong with also getting professional help if you need it. Otherwise, if you remain locked in conflict then you are enabling the dysfunctional situation.

Blessings to all concerned for a peaceful resolution.
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I agree with Macada about suggesting that your mother go and live with you for a short "vacation". Give her time away from your sister. Your mom is probably depressed about your dad’s situation also. I know my mom withdrew when my father became ill.

Your mom wants her old life back but that is no longer possible. Her husband needs daily care and having someone in their home to care for him sounds as though it is a requirement. It's too bad that your sister is a controlling type of individual.
My mother was with my brother and sister in law for six months and it was not a good situation. My SIL was so OCD that everything had to be perfect and SIL had to do everything. It caused caregiver burnout of my SIL which ended up making my SIL not be very nice to my mom. My mother had to sit and be an observer in her life. Is your sister this controlling? It may not be healthy for your mom if she is.
Maybe a break from that would do your mom good.
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I actually considered that option and won't rule it out, for sure.
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Why not just be honest and forthright about it? I don't think it would be "crossing" your sister to sit down for a talk and just tell her that her care/kindness/treatment toward and of dad is saintly and impeccable but mom wants to rule the roost and is unhappy with the current situation. Tell her mom is reluctant to be honest with her so you're stepping in to tell the truth. It's not unusual for the ids to sit down and discuss the parents needs...Also, what kind of daily care does dad require? Meal service? Bathing help? Cleaning up from incontinence issues? If the care is not so extensive at the moment, it may help to discuss what the future realistically holds in terms of care, and ask is she really comfortable doing that. If she can admit that she's not she may be willing to discuss other options/long term care. More importantly, what has your sister given up to do this care--a job, a social life? Maybe if you can discuss the care in terms of her long term health (i.e. "Sis, if you want to save for retirement you have to work, so let me help you find a job/Sis, do you want to spend the next 20 years never seeing a friend while you care for dad?) that would help. Just some ideas. I hope they help!
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I like a lot of these answers. PinkLA's comment was a good one about her mother having to sit and be an observer in her life because of an over controlling OCD caregiver, which kind of sounds like your sister. And it's a bummer that it's in your Mom's house! And your Mom has no say in what's going on in her life. That would be very upsetting and stressful. So why does your sis have all of the control. Did both your parents relinquish this control to her. Is your Dad now mentally impaired as well as physically impaired? Because if he's still somewhat mentally competent, it would most likely be a challenge to get him to agree to be moved to a nursing home. It's his house too, as well as your Mom's, right? I agree with Skinnona, it may be best to get another person involved to speak to your sis about over-stepping her bossiness and controlling in your Mom's house. She may mean well, and be attempting to assuage her guilt from previous behavior to your Dad, but why should your Mom have to be punished now as a result. This is the end period of your Mom's life as well. She deserves to live as harmoniously as possible in her own home and not be bossed around and under the rule of your sister (who, by the way, may be getting bossier and angrier all the time because she has too much on her plate...at her own doing, and is becoming an embittered tyrant in the process.) I know how this can happen, as sometimes I see myself becoming really angry and bossy trying to get everything to run smoothly all by myself, which is just fruitless and impossible. Your sis could be in denial about it, so maybe someone could point some of these things out to her....as diplomatically as possible, of course. :)) Good luck. I'm on your side!!
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Bring your Mother into your home.
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Nice to see some of the answers that say bring her to your home. Putting labels like OCD caregivers, controlling,vein, pity train, come from MOST who have not had that 24/7 experience. Every title comes with a description.... oh my I could give a speech that would take years, but if ya don't like the way she is handling things either try to help by taking the mom some or keep a zipper on it.
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I think it is good idea to have your mom over frequently.
How would she feel about moving in with you? I'll bet she would have some concerns about your dad. Another option might be to get out a lot, shopping, lunch, a spa day, a drive or what ever. That way she (and you) are still connected to the home front. Siblings can be difficult...If you can't change this somehow, then you need to change you.....a tough one eh? I wish you lots of luck. Try not to let your frustration wear you down so much you don't see the options that are out there.
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