NH finally allowing supervised indoor visits. First time I can see my father in 3 months. What to expect emotionally?

I have no advice but was very, very touched by your concern for your dad and anticipating an emotional first visit. I just got a letter today from my dad's assisted living facility that they may start the same type of scheduled, distanced visits in the next few weeks. I haven't seen my dad since February! We do talk on the phone and he isn't ill or dying, just 99 years old. I never considered the emotional side of our first visit after all of this. I'll be following your experience and hope that it is a good visit and allays some of your concerns. I know my dad will probably have on stained pants (he's blind and I have to tell him when he has spills on his clothes) and his hair will be too long but I'm hopeful that we can enjoy an in-person visit soon.

Dear "Helperson132,"

How wonderful and exciting that you will soon be reunited with your father in a couple of weeks! There are still so many of us who are unable to visit our loved ones who are in facilities or in hospitals.

I sure hope you won't let what seems to be some sort of fear or concern about not being able to contain your emotions, rob you of the full experience you can share. There is nothing wrong with having emotions - it's part of normal, human experiences - I feel bad for those who can't or won't express healthy emotions. Crying tears of joy could be a very helpful thing for your father as well as for you and your mom/family. They purge what is and has been pent up inside and if you've ever noticed afterwards, at some point you usually feel better as if your soul has been cleansed. God keeps track of them too -"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book" Psalm 56:8.

Also, sometimes we think we are going to exhibit a certain emotion and then when the event takes place, we may experience something totally different.

Look at the victory of when you worried about your dad passing away alone in the NH with no family around and it didn't turn out that way. I hadn't seen my mom since February 28th when she ended up in the ER/hospital near death from severe dehydration, COVID and a couple other things. I was afraid she would die alone in an isolated room with hospital staff wearing full gear - their masks were the black, gas masks which even took me aback when I saw it during a Facetime call. She survived and went to a physical therapy/rehab facility for three weeks where she had a window. During many visits, I cried outside the window. When we were going to move her, I told my husband I wanted to be at the facility when the medical transport arrived so at least I could see her outside from a safe distance. It was a happy moment but, I wished I could have hugged her.

So my prayer for you is that you will just take that moment/day all in and let whatever emotion surfaces "just be." I hope you will share with us how it went!














Dea

Why contain your emotions? If you are happy to see your father and you cry tears of joy, so be it. We try so hard to remain stoic all the time, and I wonder why most of the time. To be human is to have emotions. It's okay to cry or to laugh or even to get angry and yell from time to time. Sadness, fear, joy........they're all signs of being alive.

Enjoy your reunion!

I would not try to contain your emotions. It should be a glorious day to see your dear father, let the tears roll, nothing to be ashamed of. Have a wonderful visit.

I got to see my Mum just last week. She immediately burst into tears. She cried most of the time but we had a really nice attendant who brought tea and cake so Mum calmed down.
I think the tears were a release that she wasn’t abandoned.
We also were to have no physical contact but that was inevitable. Mum is fully physically capable and how am I to refuse her need of her daughters hug? (And mine too) the nurses just said we see nothing and turned their backs. We aren’t a huggy family so that was the only contact and we did have our masks.

If you are wearing masks, you don't need to be 6 feet apart. And conversely, if you are 6 feet apart you don't need a mask. Science.

Why should you contain your emotions?
You show and tell the person just how much you have missed them and how happy you are that you can now start visiting again

My first visit yesterday, outside, with my tiny, tough as leather, 92 year old Covid survivor, and it was EXACTLY as though I’d been with her the day before.

She spoke to me by name, responded with interest to my nonsensical and overjoyed conversation, demonstrated a sense of humor, complained about being cold.......all typical, normal stuff.

A little bit off topic, but as a suggestion to those in my situation who haven’t seen loved ones since February or March- in the emotion of being reunited, try, if you can, to do a little bit of objective on the spot assessment of changes in behavior.

My LO had been moved a couple times in her MC unit since the virus struck, and ultimately was moved to a different floor while the facility undergoes a complete disinfection.

When she was moved, I began getting reports about her being unusually lethargic, losing her appetite and weight loss, but seeing her only sporadically and pretty unsuccessfully for FaceTime, I had no clear picture about what was happening, and naturally blamed it on the Covid and the fact that we weren’t in and out to see her as we’d always been before.

A little over a week ago, I had a call from her and my WONDERFUL psychiatric visitor, and in discussing LO’s situation I happened to remember that a medication change had been planned in February, and I wondered if it had been carried out. Turns out, it hadn’t.

With her original prescription decreased by half, she’s once again the gal I left in February! So if you do see something that makes you wonder, consider letting someone know.

I wasn’t to concerned about my emotions when she came strutting out the door with her walker, but I was flooded with relief. Every day that I’m able to see her is a gift.

Hoping that all of you who are able to reunite in the future experience each day with your LO as a gift.

Expect him to be frail. He may not be able to do as much from himself as he did earlier this year. Muscles that don't move lose strength and tend to shrink (atrophy). If his voice is softer it may be a result of his stroke or other chronic health problems. Expect to have difficulty hearing him. Maybe bring him a mask with a clear plastic window so you can see his mouth. He may or may not recognize you based on his dementia progression, IF prepare for the worst, every little "better thing" is something to celebrate. Bring him something that he enjoys and it easy to enjoy: pictures of family and friends that are alive, a treat for him to enjoy later (check with NH what he can eat), music, a book to read to him, a simple activity... Use this time as a moment to celebrate that he is still alive, he and you have needs to communicate, and that there is an opportunity to be together.

My 97 year old mom is in AL. They recently allowed in person visits, 6 ft apart, all wearing masks, no touching, etc. We were not allowed to bring them anything during the visit. I was a little disappointed with the visit, actually. I imagined “getting back to normal “...not so at all. We were in a lovely room, with lots of windows, but all hard surfaces, so it was like an echo chamber. My mom needs 2 hearing aids, so the room was not ideal. The visit was timed...20 minutes. I wish we could have hugged goodbye, but, of course we couldn’t. (And I get that.) I think I prefer the 10 minute Skype calls we can arrange, though. None of us have to wear masks for that, so we can see each other’s face. Good luck with your visit, if you can’t help being emotional, so be it, your dad knows you!

Wonderful for you. What I try to always keep in mind is not to expect anything, just go with the flow. Things can change in a second. Tiny little things are gifts.

I just had a similar visit with my 96 year-old Mom last Saturday, except that they brought her to an outside meeting place. My mother has dementia and is not responsive. They put a mask on her, which usually she would not like, and I'm not sure she recognized me in my mask. She doesn't always recognize me anyway. It was good to see that she is well cared for, but I missed being able to give her a hug and kiss. This terrible disease makes life very different. But one thing I realized during the months that I couldn't visit is that the memory care staff were taking good care of her, better than I could have done. My mother is also in an excellent facility where there have been no positive cases of covid for residents.

Imho, perhaps it's best to go with zero expectations. Prayers sent.

I am going to relay my family’s experience to prepare you in case it happens. We were not prepared and it was devastating.

Literally only hours after my state’s governor announced that nursing homes could receive visitors if certain criteria were met, the NH my 92 year old loved one was at for rehab contacted all family members to let us know that they had a staff member test Covid positive. Thus, the NH no longer satisfied the state’s criteria and visits were delayed for an additional 28 days.

I pray that does not happen to you. God help all the families going through this, especially those LOs staying in a facility.

I certainly hope your fathers NH can maintain the no Covid cases so you can have those scheduled visits. My mother’s NH went the 28 days and set up for family visits in July only to have to cancel when 3 staff came up positive. Now in Aug we just set up for visits to start next week and another staff came back positive. So visits cancelled for another 28 days. I haven’t seen mom in person since the beginning of March. The through the window and phone visits are so hard, she just doesn’t understand. Of course her question hasn’t changed since she went in a NH. “When can I go home?” I expect it will remain the same when I can see her in person. Just be happy you will be able to see him in person even with restrictions.

In person visits have been on and off during COVID. We are allowed to do "window" visits since they are on the first floor. I invested in some window chalks and write messages (backwards so they can read them) on their window. We also invested in a ViewClix digital frame. You can set it up ahead of time with the emails of people you want to be able to contact them. Then you download the app and push a button. Your loved one doesn't have to do ANYTHING for the call to connect. It allows you to see in their room and they can see you. It's also handy because there is only a soft "beep" when a call is connected so often people in the room don't know you're watching until you actually say something. I got to watch the hospice nurse combing dad's hair and telling him how handsome he was and he was just eating it up. :) When I finally got to do an in-person visit it wasn't as much of an emotional build-up because we had been doing video chats quite often.

I went through this yesterday with my mother, visiting face-to-face in person for the first time in six months.

She is very hard of hearing and just got new hearing aids after the NH aide accidentally threw hers away. Since I was required to wear a mask, gloves, and a face shield and sit six feet away, she couldn't understand anything I said. She's also nearly blind, so she can't see someone that far away.

After telling me she could hear sound but could understand me, she just closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. That's her signal that she doesn't want to try anymore.

Our visit lasted less than 10 minutes, and I cried all the way home.

This is barbaric treatment of our seniors. I think every family of her fellow residents would rather be able to visit and hug their loved ones than have them live in a bubble thinking we've all abandoned them. I'd bring my mother home in a heartbeat, but she requires more care than I can provide in my home. My only consolation is that she doesn't remember anything an hour later, so to her everything is mostly OK in her life.

After replying on August 14th, now I find that I will be in the same position. I just received word from my mom's facility that I can do an outdoor visit. I'm scheduled for Tuesday the 8th for 1/2 hour. Because we live in a very hot climate, they will have a cooling system. I haven't seen my mom since February 28th which was two weeks after we celebrated her 95th birthday at Olive Garden on Valentine's Day. I'm trying to figure out how this is going to work as obviously, I have to stay 6 feet away, wear a mask and apparently they will have a piece of plexiglass in front of her so I don't know how she will even be able to hear me. I may just have them bring her iPad or cell phone out. I plan on bringing a rose and root beer floats for us to sip on. But after all is said and done in my response to "Helperson132," I'm a little anxious too.

I wanted to give an update on our visits. I have had two already. The nursing home was able to schedule us for a 30 minute visit outside in a large gazebo. We have been lucky to be in relatively nice weather in our area.

When I first saw my dad last week after 3 months, my first emotion was relief. He didn't look and sound near as bad as I feared. I was worried he would look much more emaciated, but his weight loss was less than I feared. His voice sounded stronger than I expected. When I spoke to him over the phone, I had been detecting a weaker voice and that really concerned me given his congestive heart failure problems. Now, I think it may have been that I woke him up from naps when i called.

The first visit was a little awkward. There was a disclosure form to fill out and temperatures taken. Masks and 6 feet distance were required. But what really bothered me was that there were two employees there watching us. That made conversations awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't feel free to try and get his real opinion on the care he was receiving. The second week, they backed off and moved further away, so we could have a somewhat more personal conversation. Thank goodness my dad's hearing is good. I did however, discover that his cataracts got worse. He said he really couldn't see me that well. I am so upset about this. He was all ready to get cataract surgery in March when Covid hit. Now, I don't know if he will ever be able to get that surgery.

So, seeing him was a great sense of relief. It actually was more helpful than all of the hours of tele-psychiatry and anti-anxiety medications I've taken over these last 3 months. Just seeing him had a profound effect. I could suddenly imagine what normality looks like. If Covid had never hit, I just think of all of the problems that could have been avoided. My poor father really suffered in that first month away from us. He gave up on PT and OT fast. They said he talked about wanting to go home constantly. How awful it must have been to be in strange place without seeing his family. In normal times, my mother would be there at his side all the time. If I could have been there, I could have helped explain to him the importance of therapy and explained to the therapists what he's used to doing. The last three months have been the most stressful of my life. This would all have gone so much different. Honestly, after that second visit, I just got angry. Not angry at anyone in particular, just angry in general. Angry that we (and so many other families) had to go through this ordeal in the time of Covid.