Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?

Sounds like a psycho movie to me...I would get rid of the guy! Check out home care down at the bottom of this page and try to find someone else for sure!
YIKES

This caretaker sounds like a dangerous control freak. My mom had AD for 16 years. As a family we worked hard to all see her as much as possible. She would do things for me, like bathing, that she would not otherwise want. I know I helped her and she always knew my voice. Personal contact was critical. I also knew her like only a daughter can, so was able to go with her back in time to enjoys the times long past but still present for her. No caretaker can do that. Stay close to your mom and you will be glad for it after she is gone. I treasure those memories.

Allow me to be as BLUNT as I can. The entire family that is allowing such STUPID mistake needs to be reported to APS. Instead of Dad needing help it's the Family that needs the help if you think this is appropriate! "THIS IS A FORM OF ABUSE" at any age. Are you not embarrassed by posting such an insane question?

I didn't even have to read it completely.
OUT, get rid of him. Family is a big part of your family's life.
Next, this care giver will have a lawyer and own anything
your father may still own or have access to financially
Beware, these care taker's can be thieves..

throwing out someone's possessions without asking? that is overstepping boundaries! how can your siblings think so highly of this person? Also is this a group decision or can you simply call the agency and report what you've told this group? In other words can you take charge and to heck with your siblings?

Josephine, Try not to back down from your concerns, and do not apologize for using words like 'train', or 'demand'. Your concerns are valid, imo.
So many agree with you, and not because of a few words, but because of the actual actions taken by this caregiver.
Do what you can to intervene-because what is important here is Dad, the patient.

Do not start to doubt yourself, especially when peer pressure/or sibling pressure pushes you back. The world needs people like you, who are often the early warning sign that something is up that doesn't make sense.

AC Forum is heavy with caregivers whose siblings just don't get it, and who don't want to. Siblings with their own agenda, plenty of brooms and rugs to sweep things under! The truth will come out sooner or later. Even if you are shut-down by your siblings, maybe your presence here will get one of them to take their head out of the sand.

How is Dad doing, today? What is hppening with you, today?

Similarly, take our advice, or leave it-think of us as like sisters (or brothers) who care-and do not be pressured into taking any actions against your conscious or best interests of your Dad. However, unlike family, we are not prone to ostracize you if you don't do what we say! Are we? I sure hope not.

Hoping, and now praying for a good outcome for you, your family, and Dad.

Aaack
How was this caregiver hired ? Is he from an agency ? If not then get rid of him now - one person cannot work 24/7 and even live-in caregivers need days off - it usually takes 2 or 3 people to rotate days. If he is not through an agency then you are responsible for social security taxes and workers comp insurance

Siblings might be happy they are not getting phone calls now but too bad - you need to constantly check on caregivers too - who is responsible for grocery shopping and paying bills ?

Who is responsible for taking action? Who found this person? Was recommendation from a trusted friend? It sounds like you, Josephine, are just as likely to stick your head in the sand as your brothers. Ignoring the problem will not fix it, nor make it go away. Somebody should get over there and get this taken care of.

No, aging parents don't come with instruction booklets - would make things a bit easier if they did. I know I made my fair share of mistakes, that's for sure. However, at least for me, this site and the wonderful, sage advice has been almost as good as an instruction booklet. Hopefully the siblings in this situation can keep an open mind and take to heart some of the good points that have been said here.

I appreciate all your comments, will show my sibs the thread, and will pursue many of the suggestions here. I don't think he is a bad person and perhaps "train" was my word not his. You have all raised excellent points, many of which I have thought of as well but perhaps showing this to my sibs will make them see more clearly. None of them has had to deal with an aging parent before our father since our mother died at 55.

MothersKeeper has it right - this caregiver made your father worse by changing so much around the house it disoriented him. Someone who gave a hoot about an elder's well being would have known better than to do everything at once. And absolutely, something fishy with finances, POA, or both is likely going on and if so that leads no where good. Is your dad in a bad enough way that someone could get guardianship? Does he have letters of incapacity that would document he should not have been considered able to validly change a durable POA?

Continued! I would be in the market for a new caregiver, just based on that alone.

This "caregiver" has already overstepped his bounds. "Highly recommended" by whom? If you don't have any say in the matter, you still personally CAN run a background check on the person and you CAN set up some nanny cams. Perhaps you should show your sibs this thread if they don't seem to understand what is terribly wrong with the picture. Tell you what, and this is just me, if someone I hired to protect and care for my child or elderly parent told me that it's their way or else they're quitting, I would be in the

Does someone have POA for Dad both medical and financial? If not see a lawyer and get this done as soon as possible.
Agree with all the red flags.
Dad's house has become an unfamiliar place to him. Bad situation for anyone of us especially the elderly.
Do not let your brother move out he is a safety net. Not the caregivers call. Dad needs his kids around him. They are the people he knows best.
When you place someone in an institution it is often advised that family do not visit for several weeks so the elder can become acclimatized. Personally being separated from my family and friends would be worse than being placed in an institution.
Next thing the caregiver will demand medications to keep Dad "calm"
No No No , Fire the caregiver effective immediately . Give him the salary he would have earned in the periods of the agreed notice but he leaves at once.
I can see Tacy's point of view about visiting caregivers being absent when they only come in for an hour of two to bathe etc. Having a caregiver naturally want to talk and receive sympathy for their troubles and tribulations while it is natural and professionals realize they are lonely and stressed it really cuts into the time they have for patient care. Once a routine is established to the patient's liking it makes the aides job so much easier and allows them to get more done.
Everyone knows how long it takes to bath someone, change bedlinens do patient's laundry, do dressings. clean and tidy the bedroom and bathroom, prepare a light meal and help patient eat. A visiting aide is there solely for the patient and it is very important they give the patient their entire attention.

A live in caregiver is a different kettle of fish they definitely should not be the patient's sole contact with other humans. They should be part of the team that includes all family members and friends that the patient want to see.

We all cling to our "stuff" and everyone knows how devastating it can be to have to downsize.
I see the point about keeping dad's house clean and sanitary but unless he has allergies or a respiratory condition it's the dust he has always lived with and the caregiver can take care of it

P.s. Using the word "train" in regards to care taking for an elderly person just makes my flesh crawl!

Tacy - I also have considered that the guy may be on the level. Regardless, this is an awfully militant, ridged way to treat a man in his 90s. I don't like my mother much these days and I still wouldn't put a guy like this in control of looking after her.

One of my posts just disappeared.

I wrote in response to Phoenix' comment, querying the disaster that could be created if this guy did begin to create a Stockholm Syndrome. The father would be attached to him and totally at a loss, confused, despondent and more when the guy was fired.

Separate, isolate, dominate. This is a classic, textbook, step by step recipe for disaster. Even if this guy is on the level - a warped level to be sure - is this anyway for someone to be treated? You need to follow you gut here and get this guy out. Perhaps give him two weeks severance but get him out of your fathers house. If he needs a day or two to make arrangments for housing I'd give him a day or two BUT ONLY if your already in residence brother or you can be there the whole time to protect your father and his property. Don't worry about your other siblings getting p.o.'d - you know you are doing the right thing and that's what matters here - protecting your dad.

GA I never thought that once I thought check assets still in place sack said individual on the spot and wait while he packs and leaves, return Dad's house to normality and employ caregiver through an agency or sort a facility for him

Your siblings may be more partial to this guy b/c it will relieve them of responsibility.

After posting, I couldn't help thinking: "Stockholm Syndrome in the making" - isolate, divide and conquer, subdue, create dependence and reliance, take control.

Like others, I see many red flags and signs of too much control, too much demanding.

First, I would think the caregiver would WANT the family to be around to learn what methods are helpful and will work with your father. Family support is absolutely necessary. It's not an either the caregiver or the family - it's a joint, cooperative, collaborative effort.

Second, this sounds too much like a hostile takeover, a sort of scorched earth hostile takeover.

Third, I can understand if siblings were interfering with the caregiver's methods, but to isolate your parent is more than a red flag; to me it's a sign that the caregiver wants the family out of the way so he can manage things his way...and do who knows what?

Fourth, is this guy employed through an agency? If not, that's another big red flag. You have NO RECOURSE to get rid of him easily if he turns out to be a swindler or has sticky fingers that end up in your father's financial assets. He could easily get into financial records, change locks, and create a fortress of which he's the guard.

Fifth, removing possessions and creating an alienation situation is a massive dead giveaway for establishing domination - not just control, but domination. (Think of Christian Grey in the movie - TOTAL domination.)

(Did he by chance bring a whip that he could shake to make your father perform? Obviously I'm being facetious, but that's the way I see this.)

Sixth, how is he being paid? If he's not through an agency, you know that you either have to pay him as an independent contractor or treat him as an employee, take deductions and issue a 1099 at the end of the year.

You should also consider, as my insurance agent advised me, that you should get an employer's worker's comp policy in the event this guy is injured. In my area, they cost $750 to $1000 annually; the premiums will increase every year. If this guy gets hurt on the job (and who's to say when the family has been kicked out?), you/your father could end up paying compensation for his injuries for years. This could be a scam in the making.

Get rid of this guy now. And explain to those in the family who think he's acceptable that you've been advised by your insurance agent to hire someone through an agency.

Josephine get rid of this caregiver - isolating a vulnerable adult is classed as psychological abuse:

Psychological abuse
This includes someone emotionally abusing you or threatening to hurt or abandon you, stopping you from seeing people, and humiliating, blaming, controlling, intimidating or harassing you. It also includes verbal abuse, cyber bullying and isolation, or an unreasonable and unjustified withdrawal of services or support networks.

And divide and conquer seems to be working.:-(

Send and Glad, you both spoke my mind on this. Divide and conquer is exactly right - unless there are major factors that we're not aware of here, there's something seriously wrong with this situation. It is *not* the caregiver's place to tell the family when and how they can visit their loved one, nor is it his place to kick another family member out of the house. Totally inappropriate behavior and highly suspicious to my way of thinking.

Glad - you're right - there must be something there that the caregiver is after. Money or whatever. The divide and conquer tactic appears to be how he is going to get it.

What was the question? All I can see is red flags!!!

Check to make sure stuff hasn't been stolen, then get rid of this person..

And obviously there must be assets, not many people can afford in home care.

Josephine, who found this guy? And how? Who made the decision to hire him? Was the recommendation from a trusted friend?

This is a very suspicious situation. No question, get the guy out and find a memory care facility for dad. Nothing like the company of others to keep caregivers honest. This guy won't even let family visit? There is something very wrong with this picture. Today is not soon enough. Even references can be a setup in a situation like this. Maybe a scam for a scam that includes the caregiver and the references. I hope someone is on the way over there now.

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments! I am glad I am not off base!!

Your Dad is a 91year old Vulnerable Senior, with physical and mental deficits, for God's sake! No way would I let some control freak think he could walk in to CARE for My Dad, and ask that the rest of us leave him in this strangers hands! Highly recommended or not, in fact Who recommended him? Just the fact that he moved and removed his personal belongings is cause for great concern! You have No Idea what this stranger might do to your Dad, or if his intent is to completely brainwash him into giving him anything or even steal him blind! Leave him alone? Not in a million years! This guy has to GO, hes Dangerous!

I agree with Babalou, it seems that your dad has already had this "caregiver" remove all the comforts of home in order to replace them with a sterile, institutional kind of environment. Usually that is what people who opt for home care are trying to avoid! At least in a facility you would be free to visit him as often as you like, he would have social opportunities, and many staff to assist, not total reliance on a single individual. There is absolutely no way I would agree to leave things as they are now.