Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?

Absolutely it's not right! It looks like your post got cut off mid-sentence so there may be more, but I can't see any way this is right. Especially in the beginning it is critical that the family be able to keep a close on eye on whether this caregiver is doing their job properly and is a good fit. If you go along with this guy's plan, you will have no way to know if your father is in trouble, if the caregiver is lazy, or if he is abusive.

While I see some logic in this - I am also seeing a big, red flag. Is this a demand or a request? I think I would also factor in this guys level of experience. I'm assuming you did reference checks and a criminal background check, yes? Personally, I don't think I'd go for it - something about it just strikes me as off and a little too militant. If if were me and I was gonna give it a shot, I would think about installing nanny cams or even the in-home surveillance you can get through cable companies and not make it a secret. The guy shouldn't have an issue with you observing from afar, right? If he has nothing to hide. Also I think I would want to tweek the arrangment to allow for some regular visits and phone calls - it wouldn't have to be daily but at least somewhat regularly, at least in the start.

The caregiver is controlling. I was never for the concept of no visits until your loved one gets acclimated or 'trained'!
The caregiver can work around family visits.
Even though this is a red flag, (attempting to isolate the patient) maybe the caregiver can be trained. The caregiver should not be making demands.

Re-read your post. The caregiver WANTS your brother out?
Just fire (delete expletive) the caregiver, report to the agency.
This is way more dangerous than you may know.

I'm still bugged by this post so here's a few more thoughts: I don't like the verbage in your question. Are these words, "demand" and "train" really accurate? I would be wary of any employee who makes "demands". As for "train" - your dad is a human being not a puppy! As for depending only on him - what happens on sick days or he goes on a vacation - your father would be completely devastated if he felt this guy is the only one he can count on. Lastly, this kind of control is the first step towards financial fraud. I suggest rethinking this caregiver.

Thank you. That is my feeling/. Some of my siblings are telling me that I am not holding my father's best interests at heart because I am "denying" the level of his impairment and that he needs this new caregiver to take total control of his life for his safety. We've known the caregiver for two weeks. He comes highly recommended but before he moved in he changed the entire house -- threw out or relocated a lot of my father's possessions (in the name of "dust") and didn't ask. My father now thinks he is living in someone else's house and has had panic attacks. He calls repeatedly to me and my siblings Some of my brothers (I have six) think that his calls are a sign that he is losing it more and more and they don't want to be bothered with the burden of answering them. I think they are just a natural reaction to a very stressful change and that the more we can ease his anxiety by being there the better. I see my father four out of six days a week and feel that I have a better sense of his range of behavior than some of them do.. To complicate matters, one of my brothers had been staying overnight at my dad's house before the caregiver arrived to help him if he needed it and because my dad's house was an easier commute to his job. In the process he used to spend time at night watching tv with my father. Now the caregiver and my siblings want this other brother out so that "the caregiver can do his job and my father can not be confused by having a son in the house. I think they are going to make my father worse and take away any of his spirit and personality just so that they do not have to be bothered with his incessant phone calls.
We've known the caregiver for two weeks. I think it is crazy to give him total control.

Geez! For some reason this one pushed my buttons! Sorry for yet another opinion from me. Okay - say one of your siblings made these say demands - wanted to seperate and isolate your dad from the rest of your family. You'd wouldn't allow it and would be highly suspicious, right? So why would you accept it from a stranger?

Sorry to be so wordy -- maybe DEMAND was too strong a word. He said I will leave if you do not let me do my job. I say clarify expectations and if he doesn't like them he should leave. My siblings think he is a godsend and will do anything to keep him. Having too many siblings involved in care is not always good. Especially when the most vocal decision makers see my father the least.

Josephine, I think you would all be more comfortable if your dad was in a professionally run facility.

Divide and conquer. Yes, too many involved in decisions can just delay the crucial and timely decision to fire this caregiver. He threatened to quit if you don't comply? Ok then! The trial period just did not workout-there are other caregivers.
The caregiver has already divided the family.
Why would your other siblings want your brother out?
Who is the one spokesperson, the one in charge? Who hired the caregiver?

I agree with Babalou, it seems that your dad has already had this "caregiver" remove all the comforts of home in order to replace them with a sterile, institutional kind of environment. Usually that is what people who opt for home care are trying to avoid! At least in a facility you would be free to visit him as often as you like, he would have social opportunities, and many staff to assist, not total reliance on a single individual. There is absolutely no way I would agree to leave things as they are now.

Your Dad is a 91year old Vulnerable Senior, with physical and mental deficits, for God's sake! No way would I let some control freak think he could walk in to CARE for My Dad, and ask that the rest of us leave him in this strangers hands! Highly recommended or not, in fact Who recommended him? Just the fact that he moved and removed his personal belongings is cause for great concern! You have No Idea what this stranger might do to your Dad, or if his intent is to completely brainwash him into giving him anything or even steal him blind! Leave him alone? Not in a million years! This guy has to GO, hes Dangerous!

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments! I am glad I am not off base!!

Josephine, who found this guy? And how? Who made the decision to hire him? Was the recommendation from a trusted friend?

This is a very suspicious situation. No question, get the guy out and find a memory care facility for dad. Nothing like the company of others to keep caregivers honest. This guy won't even let family visit? There is something very wrong with this picture. Today is not soon enough. Even references can be a setup in a situation like this. Maybe a scam for a scam that includes the caregiver and the references. I hope someone is on the way over there now.

And obviously there must be assets, not many people can afford in home care.

What was the question? All I can see is red flags!!!

Check to make sure stuff hasn't been stolen, then get rid of this person..

Send and Glad, you both spoke my mind on this. Divide and conquer is exactly right - unless there are major factors that we're not aware of here, there's something seriously wrong with this situation. It is *not* the caregiver's place to tell the family when and how they can visit their loved one, nor is it his place to kick another family member out of the house. Totally inappropriate behavior and highly suspicious to my way of thinking.

Glad - you're right - there must be something there that the caregiver is after. Money or whatever. The divide and conquer tactic appears to be how he is going to get it.

And divide and conquer seems to be working.:-(

Josephine get rid of this caregiver - isolating a vulnerable adult is classed as psychological abuse:

Psychological abuse
This includes someone emotionally abusing you or threatening to hurt or abandon you, stopping you from seeing people, and humiliating, blaming, controlling, intimidating or harassing you. It also includes verbal abuse, cyber bullying and isolation, or an unreasonable and unjustified withdrawal of services or support networks.

Like others, I see many red flags and signs of too much control, too much demanding.

First, I would think the caregiver would WANT the family to be around to learn what methods are helpful and will work with your father. Family support is absolutely necessary. It's not an either the caregiver or the family - it's a joint, cooperative, collaborative effort.

Second, this sounds too much like a hostile takeover, a sort of scorched earth hostile takeover.

Third, I can understand if siblings were interfering with the caregiver's methods, but to isolate your parent is more than a red flag; to me it's a sign that the caregiver wants the family out of the way so he can manage things his way...and do who knows what?

Fourth, is this guy employed through an agency? If not, that's another big red flag. You have NO RECOURSE to get rid of him easily if he turns out to be a swindler or has sticky fingers that end up in your father's financial assets. He could easily get into financial records, change locks, and create a fortress of which he's the guard.

Fifth, removing possessions and creating an alienation situation is a massive dead giveaway for establishing domination - not just control, but domination. (Think of Christian Grey in the movie - TOTAL domination.)

(Did he by chance bring a whip that he could shake to make your father perform? Obviously I'm being facetious, but that's the way I see this.)

Sixth, how is he being paid? If he's not through an agency, you know that you either have to pay him as an independent contractor or treat him as an employee, take deductions and issue a 1099 at the end of the year.

You should also consider, as my insurance agent advised me, that you should get an employer's worker's comp policy in the event this guy is injured. In my area, they cost $750 to $1000 annually; the premiums will increase every year. If this guy gets hurt on the job (and who's to say when the family has been kicked out?), you/your father could end up paying compensation for his injuries for years. This could be a scam in the making.

Get rid of this guy now. And explain to those in the family who think he's acceptable that you've been advised by your insurance agent to hire someone through an agency.

Your siblings may be more partial to this guy b/c it will relieve them of responsibility.

After posting, I couldn't help thinking: "Stockholm Syndrome in the making" - isolate, divide and conquer, subdue, create dependence and reliance, take control.

GA I never thought that once I thought check assets still in place sack said individual on the spot and wait while he packs and leaves, return Dad's house to normality and employ caregiver through an agency or sort a facility for him

Separate, isolate, dominate. This is a classic, textbook, step by step recipe for disaster. Even if this guy is on the level - a warped level to be sure - is this anyway for someone to be treated? You need to follow you gut here and get this guy out. Perhaps give him two weeks severance but get him out of your fathers house. If he needs a day or two to make arrangments for housing I'd give him a day or two BUT ONLY if your already in residence brother or you can be there the whole time to protect your father and his property. Don't worry about your other siblings getting p.o.'d - you know you are doing the right thing and that's what matters here - protecting your dad.

One of my posts just disappeared.

I wrote in response to Phoenix' comment, querying the disaster that could be created if this guy did begin to create a Stockholm Syndrome. The father would be attached to him and totally at a loss, confused, despondent and more when the guy was fired.

Tacy - I also have considered that the guy may be on the level. Regardless, this is an awfully militant, ridged way to treat a man in his 90s. I don't like my mother much these days and I still wouldn't put a guy like this in control of looking after her.

P.s. Using the word "train" in regards to care taking for an elderly person just makes my flesh crawl!

Does someone have POA for Dad both medical and financial? If not see a lawyer and get this done as soon as possible.
Agree with all the red flags.
Dad's house has become an unfamiliar place to him. Bad situation for anyone of us especially the elderly.
Do not let your brother move out he is a safety net. Not the caregivers call. Dad needs his kids around him. They are the people he knows best.
When you place someone in an institution it is often advised that family do not visit for several weeks so the elder can become acclimatized. Personally being separated from my family and friends would be worse than being placed in an institution.
Next thing the caregiver will demand medications to keep Dad "calm"
No No No , Fire the caregiver effective immediately . Give him the salary he would have earned in the periods of the agreed notice but he leaves at once.
I can see Tacy's point of view about visiting caregivers being absent when they only come in for an hour of two to bathe etc. Having a caregiver naturally want to talk and receive sympathy for their troubles and tribulations while it is natural and professionals realize they are lonely and stressed it really cuts into the time they have for patient care. Once a routine is established to the patient's liking it makes the aides job so much easier and allows them to get more done.
Everyone knows how long it takes to bath someone, change bedlinens do patient's laundry, do dressings. clean and tidy the bedroom and bathroom, prepare a light meal and help patient eat. A visiting aide is there solely for the patient and it is very important they give the patient their entire attention.

A live in caregiver is a different kettle of fish they definitely should not be the patient's sole contact with other humans. They should be part of the team that includes all family members and friends that the patient want to see.

We all cling to our "stuff" and everyone knows how devastating it can be to have to downsize.
I see the point about keeping dad's house clean and sanitary but unless he has allergies or a respiratory condition it's the dust he has always lived with and the caregiver can take care of it

This "caregiver" has already overstepped his bounds. "Highly recommended" by whom? If you don't have any say in the matter, you still personally CAN run a background check on the person and you CAN set up some nanny cams. Perhaps you should show your sibs this thread if they don't seem to understand what is terribly wrong with the picture. Tell you what, and this is just me, if someone I hired to protect and care for my child or elderly parent told me that it's their way or else they're quitting, I would be in the

Continued! I would be in the market for a new caregiver, just based on that alone.

MothersKeeper has it right - this caregiver made your father worse by changing so much around the house it disoriented him. Someone who gave a hoot about an elder's well being would have known better than to do everything at once. And absolutely, something fishy with finances, POA, or both is likely going on and if so that leads no where good. Is your dad in a bad enough way that someone could get guardianship? Does he have letters of incapacity that would document he should not have been considered able to validly change a durable POA?