Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?

This has been in discussion for awhile, have we heard from the provider and if any changes have been made. I think the majority have spoken on what should be done.

In a word, NO! That is just freaky. Do all you can to unload that "caregiver" before he "removes" anything else. Always listen to your instincts, they will not let you down.

I agree with sendme2help. How is it going?

Josephine, How did it go? No one here was judgjng you, as this thread spiraled to a debate between caregivers.
Hoping you are okay, that your sibs pulled together and not against you. And, hope that Dad is safe.
Can you let us know, because I care.

Maybe my dog.


Not for my dog or my cat if I had either

This seems very suspicious to me. It's great if caregiver has new ideas or suggestions to help your dad and may want to try something without distractions for a few minutes but there is NO RETRAINING a 96 year old. There are tchniques and suggestions that can be helpful but the family must be included so whatever new technique works the family can continue to apply when care taker not there. There are vultures out there that will scam elderly people and the suggestion you not answer the phone...that's ridiculous. I hope this care giver had a thorough background check. I would not have anyone like that taking care of my parent. Maybe my dog.

That Caregiver should be terminated ASAP. He obviously has no idea what Cognitive Decline is all about. A Caregiver is a paid employee and should never be telling the family what to do or alienating the family and the client.
Good Luck

Still no answer: is this person employed by an agency

If he is a direct hire do you/he have a written contract.

Oh I haven't stuck my oar in for ages so here goes:

Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?

Just to answer that bit then my answer stands no fire him/her. (S)he is hired to do a job they can DISCUSS and make RECOMMENDATIONS and SUGGEST and ADVISE but demand? really?? Not anyone I hire for sure. Now the train bit is difficult as the OP says TRAIN was her word the person probably said I need to work with xxxx so that I can get him into a structure/ regime/routine that works for him

All that is fine - I would accept that as long as this is not DEMANDED and is arranged through discussion and negotiation

Now the next bit is the bit I am not happy about at all

My brother stayed upstairs in the evenings and the caregiver wants him out and wants us not to pick up my fathers phone calls . \\What the caregiver wants and what the caregiver gets are 2 different things. If I had a new employee I would monitor their performance over the first 6 months - its called a probationary period. If at any time I had reservations I would have the discussion and record it and we would both sign a way forward. I am fully aware that this caregiver wants to works one on one with Dad but they have to prove themselves first - you can't just walk in and say I demand this this and this. What should have been said is this:

Eventually I will need to work one on one with Dad so that he learns to rely more on me than you and therefore you get relieved of the phone calls. That's going to take some time so I want to work with you and him to begin with to find out how his day is planned and then we can get some sort of structure in place. Then we can move forward.

Slow and steady not straight in like a block of cement being lobbed into a paddling pool

Tacy022 I agree that there are often other sides to the story. I, too, think that "fire him" is a very strong reaction. Sometimes there are reasons to keep family away. I had to separate my mom and dad--who had been married for 40+ years--because my dad would agitate her and she would hit him and just his presence made her difficult to manage so I couldn't do my job. For me the bigger red flag was that the new caregiver moved and threw things out without permission. That made it seem like he's not so keen on "family rights", yknow?

tacy022: Please re-read my most recent comment, especially about being attentive to the family AS WELL AS the client. Also, the part about MAYBE having JUST ONE family member present UNTIL the caregiver, patient and family are all on the same page and getting to know each other. This was a suggestion, not an intentional criticism to you or whatever. Sorry if you felt this way. On this site we all try to offer suggestions from experiences of our own in order to HELP each other.

Tacy022 - I think we all make the same mistake: Not always reading the question properly before giving an answer! Or supplying answers to questions from way back! The question here is about a full time live-in care taker. A 24/7 care taker.

tacy022: Have you ever had a loved one that cannot care for themselves? You say this "thread" seems a little out of control. That's because most of us here have had to deal with our loved ones being cared for either in a nursing facility, family member or outside caregivers from agencies. First, if anyone suggests that family members not visit or call, this puts up a red flag. If that person/caregiver is a professional, they wouldn't do this. Things done "behind closed doors" is sometimes not a good thing. They may or may not be doing anything bad, but I would want at least one person from the family to be there for a while until you know what this person is like. To not be able to visit your parent or other loved one while they don't have much time left is unimaginable. The caregiver should be as attentive to the family's wishes as much as the needs of the one being cared for. I think everyone here is just being supportive to that family, and if all these people think along the same lines, then there must be something right about what we're saying. I hope this family can get other help, or at least get someone to check out this caregiver and his methods.

Hi Josephine! And then, what happened with the new care giver? Did things turn out to the good of all involved? I have followed the answers and comments and did agree to some extend to those on the right and those on the left: Fire him! No, do not fire him - he might have good reason! But, must agree, without all the facts, and it is so difficult to give all the facts in such a sort summary - it did not sounds right to me. Unless visits to your dad was upsetting him (your dad) and that he (your dad) did not want to tell his children that but that the new care giver, being with your dad and your dad confined in him, has decided to limit visits, knowing that your dad will prefer it? You know - sometimes well meant visits can also be so tiring! With us working full time, taking care of my parents after hours, have to rush home to prepare meals, helps them wash and put on PJ's and put them in bed, visits during the evenings are really so tiring. We do appreciate all the family and friends showing interest and to pop in, but we just do not have time to sit with them. We also need to do our own things and get in bed early because we get up very early to wash, dress and feed them and clean their room before going to work. It is the same with new mom's. All the visits are just too much sometimes for the poor new mom! Taking care of elderly people are much worse than caring for a baby! I think it is because of the "dignity" factor. You will be able to feed your baby while there is visitors - if your are not breastfeeding but to feed elderly people and still maintain their dignity, is not the same. You might even be able to change a nappy for the baby when your mom is visiting, but you will not be able to do the same for an elderly person. So, yes, this is a difficult one! But by now, you would improbably being able to get some glues if your "gut" feeling were right.

Josephine, your instincts make sense. Why would anyone want to isolate a vulnerable person? And generally the more nurturing and perceptive caregivers include families, keep the caregiving family informed of how the day went, and discuss concerns. Typically when we have had issues with caregivers (eg using poor judgement), they were the ones who were overly confident in their ability to jump right in and handle everything without family input at the beginning.

Well, maybe if they used a different word.....But, if the family has been carrying for him in a way that may not be beneficial to him, the nurse may be wishing to get him on a schedule that will help him have better care. Just a thought! Nanny cams sounds like a good idea. You can also put a door bell that records who is coming and going. (RING). If the caregiver has a key, you will know when they come and go and who else is coming and going. They will not realize there is a camera in the doorbell. As for the security system, get a camera with it and direct the camera at where your father is staying. You can check on him all day long and night long. My housekeeper did not even realize I had a camera. I told her as I did not want her to think we were watching her. I was watching HIM. But, it would not hurt to follow the new caregiver for a few days until you are comfortable with the new caregiver. You might want to talk to the company who sent this person and see what the rules are.

One more thing: criminal background checks are not always completely truthful. I found out more about a creepy neighbor for free from Google than the check our landlords paid for revealed--and she had a drug smuggling felony on her record. (Creepy neighbor moved out finally.) Just get rid of this fraudster.

Is he gone yet? Yesterday isn't too soon.

I didn't read the post but my immediate response is this....fire him. If he is a caregiver, he is an employee! Don't like his work, get rid of him. If Dad is completely dependent on employee, that opens the door for employee to do anything and Dad will not tell....physical, financial, etc. Not me. I'd fire him.

H3ll no!

Did you hire on your own or is this person employed by an agency
If he is your employee keep records

Get another caregiver. He does not have the authority to make these kind of restrictive demands. You need to see and talk to your father as much as you can until you can no longer...

Josephine, for my 2 cents worth. I've not had experience with caregivers in that way. However, my FIL, after a 56 year marriage and the death of his wife , remarried at the age of 80. Not all the siblings thought it was great After he died, we find the cautious ones were the one that were spot on as to her motives. What you have described is not right!! YOU Do the right thing for you Dad, and the other siblings will figure it out! God Bless You!

This sounds like a premise for a bad TV movie--no the caregiver is working for YOU, (or at the very most obvious) for your father. He sounds creepy and manipulative.
At 91, your dad needs loving care and that's it!!

Good luck!

This sounds very wrong. I'm assuming it's the comfort of the caregiver at stake here. My dad is 92 and working on Parkinson's and dementia. I have had to train him in new ways to get out of bed, with assistance, and eating, again with assistance. It's important to use the same language and routine for the comfort of the patient. My dad got used to my methods and follows them even if I say nothing. None of this involved refusing the company of others other than for the privacy areas. Family is not refused access by any agency I've employed when I needed help. My dad does not trust anyone else. When someone wants to use my bathroom he is afraid they will go into my bedroom and help themselves. I've had to reassure him about each individual. My dad would be unhappiness itself if I left him in the hands of an individual such as you describe.

josephine24: You "train" a dog, not a human! To not let even family members visit is unheard of. What's he trying to hide? I say get him out fast before something really tragic happens. I may sound harsh, but this day and age you shouldn't trust someone like that. Good luck with this issue. Keep us posted if you don't mind.

fire (delete expletive) the caregiver, report to the agency.

I know how difficult this situation must be. It's true that the siblings who visit the least are the ones with the most opinions about how things should be. It's natural and it's often in reaction to their own feelings of guilt. And who doesn't feel guilty when you can't help your parent! It's true this caregiver does not seem like a good fit for your father for all the reasons listed above. Even if this man is on the level he doesn't seem to have he right kind of experience for this based on what you've said he's done. And just to reiterate, one person is not able (or legally allowed) to care for someone 24/7 so I hope you and your siblings are able to find a solution for this, that would at least involve one other person. Please keep us posted on what happens.

Josephine, your instincts are spot on. Fight for you dad. My brother were in denial and had a hard time accepting the AD diagnosis. They hated the visits. I am in medicine and had an easier time accepting and understanding the disease. In general change is bad for AD patients. This caretaker is asking for major changes which would be traumatic for your dad. Throw the bum out. I am very suspicious of a guy who wants to suddenly make these changes. I cannot imagine a doctor in eldercare would approve.

WOW, CAN THIS PERSON ASAP. BAD STUFF HERE.
I am a care giver to an 88 year old gentleman and this person
is a very dangerous person to have in your Dads life.