Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?

Tacy022 I agree that there are often other sides to the story. I, too, think that "fire him" is a very strong reaction. Sometimes there are reasons to keep family away. I had to separate my mom and dad--who had been married for 40+ years--because my dad would agitate her and she would hit him and just his presence made her difficult to manage so I couldn't do my job. For me the bigger red flag was that the new caregiver moved and threw things out without permission. That made it seem like he's not so keen on "family rights", yknow?

Oh I haven't stuck my oar in for ages so here goes:

Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?

Just to answer that bit then my answer stands no fire him/her. (S)he is hired to do a job they can DISCUSS and make RECOMMENDATIONS and SUGGEST and ADVISE but demand? really?? Not anyone I hire for sure. Now the train bit is difficult as the OP says TRAIN was her word the person probably said I need to work with xxxx so that I can get him into a structure/ regime/routine that works for him

All that is fine - I would accept that as long as this is not DEMANDED and is arranged through discussion and negotiation

Now the next bit is the bit I am not happy about at all

My brother stayed upstairs in the evenings and the caregiver wants him out and wants us not to pick up my fathers phone calls . \\What the caregiver wants and what the caregiver gets are 2 different things. If I had a new employee I would monitor their performance over the first 6 months - its called a probationary period. If at any time I had reservations I would have the discussion and record it and we would both sign a way forward. I am fully aware that this caregiver wants to works one on one with Dad but they have to prove themselves first - you can't just walk in and say I demand this this and this. What should have been said is this:

Eventually I will need to work one on one with Dad so that he learns to rely more on me than you and therefore you get relieved of the phone calls. That's going to take some time so I want to work with you and him to begin with to find out how his day is planned and then we can get some sort of structure in place. Then we can move forward.

Slow and steady not straight in like a block of cement being lobbed into a paddling pool

Still no answer: is this person employed by an agency

If he is a direct hire do you/he have a written contract.

That Caregiver should be terminated ASAP. He obviously has no idea what Cognitive Decline is all about. A Caregiver is a paid employee and should never be telling the family what to do or alienating the family and the client.
Good Luck

This seems very suspicious to me. It's great if caregiver has new ideas or suggestions to help your dad and may want to try something without distractions for a few minutes but there is NO RETRAINING a 96 year old. There are tchniques and suggestions that can be helpful but the family must be included so whatever new technique works the family can continue to apply when care taker not there. There are vultures out there that will scam elderly people and the suggestion you not answer the phone...that's ridiculous. I hope this care giver had a thorough background check. I would not have anyone like that taking care of my parent. Maybe my dog.

Maybe my dog.


Not for my dog or my cat if I had either

Josephine, How did it go? No one here was judgjng you, as this thread spiraled to a debate between caregivers.
Hoping you are okay, that your sibs pulled together and not against you. And, hope that Dad is safe.
Can you let us know, because I care.

I agree with sendme2help. How is it going?

In a word, NO! That is just freaky. Do all you can to unload that "caregiver" before he "removes" anything else. Always listen to your instincts, they will not let you down.

This has been in discussion for awhile, have we heard from the provider and if any changes have been made. I think the majority have spoken on what should be done.

Josephine? How is it going?

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your concern and my apologies for not responding sooner. Thanks to your advice, my siblings and I have had many conversations and discussions. We now have a new caregiver for my father who has been satisfactory so far. We are still considering moving him to an outside facility in the future, but so far things are ok. Thank you again.

Thanks for finally letting us know something. Hope all works out well for you and your family and especially your father.

Happy Fourth of July!
If anything, you and your siblings had to get together on this! And Dad is okay!

Josephine24 please tell me this "caregiver" has been fired! Way too many red flags. Changing a dementia persons environment is not good, removing the family is hugely suspect - all the comments are spot on - get him out of there. This is not a healthy scenario and will end poorly. Praying for you - have the strength to take control and tell your siblings he is out - find a new person.

Green jean and sojoinny, if you go back 4-5 posts you will find that the caretaker has been replaced and the current one is acceptable to all! Hopefully, that situation will remain a good one!

Thank you vicky64. I missed that.

No. Fire them immediately and check for stolen items. Check to make sure they didn't have him sign over checking accounts, poas etc to them. Consult an attorney.

I wouldn't allow ANYONE to take complete control and expel me from my Mom's life! Stuff that crap! (Sorry - this is just BS!@) Report this guy to whoever gave you the reference, Do run a background check of your own, even if an agency claims they did, and YES - install a very discrete but good "nanny" cam to check things out! I'd also go in and remove any valuables (papers, records, jewelry, etc.) from the house, and ban the guy from any knowledge or input into your Dad's financial situation. GET HIM OUT OF THERE! You could also inquire about this situation from the Sr. Protective Services ofc. in your state/city - they might be very interested in this "caretaker"! You need to keep a total overview of everything and everybody involved in your Dad’s care.

It makes me think of a friend of mine who was 92 and lived by herself, renting an old mobile on an acre of land. We weren't really personally close, but I brought her water every month for 5 years when her well went bad, so saw her at least that often. She was a wonderful old gal - had an entire room set up with professional-level machines and bales of material and spent her time making small quilts to give away to nursing homes, safe houses, hospices, etc. Anyway, a "friend" from church moved in with her to "help" (It didn't seem like she really needed someone there all the time, and I'm guessing it was more they said they needed some place to stay...). The woman was only there for about 4 or 5 months, but since she was there I wasn't regularly bringing the water... I did stop by to visit several times, though, and didn’t get a really good feeling of being welcomed by the “helper”, and Mettie didn’t seem really happy. The third time I was told Mettie had died - just toppled over and gone! The "friend" had then arranged with the owner/landlord of the property to stay on in the mobile, and was really busy hauling all of Mettie's stuff to the dump or Goodwill when I stopped by. Of course, she hadn't bothered to call me (or probably anyone else) to let me know what had happened... I so wish there had been someone responsible watching out for Mettie, and I am still suspicious of the whole thing. Some people can be rotten!

Good to see things have been taken care of. I'd still report that guy to Sr. Services and/or his agency or whoever referred him...

I became a POA and guardian for a dear friend and did this for 28 years. In the beginning, it was pure hell. She was scammed by an Avon representative, money stolen, locks changed to keep family out. It was a true horror story and when the family and I realized what was happening, I literally went to hell and back to get these people out of the lady's life. I can tell you without a shred of doubt - this is a DEADLY SITUATION. FIRE THAT CARETAKER AT ONCE - BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. I speak from experience. Once I took over, there was peace among the family and the lady and me and she was well taken care of until she died at age 98. Do not let this person into the home ever again - get rid of that caretaker now before it is too late.

I hope someone hid the valuables, checkbooks, bank statements, jewelry, silver, etc. If it were me, I'd give this guy the heave-ho in short order. Seriously.

I would've fired his a** day one

I just lost my mom (after caring for her before and during dementia for 7+ years) and I can tell ~ unequivocally ~ that I would NEVER have agreed to such an arrangement with a new caregiver. In fact, I didn't leave her alone in the hospital or with an unknown caregiver until I got to know them and how they behaved ... meaning at least one morning or afternoon together then maybe a few hours alone but not enough to do damage until I knew how they behaved with her. If you are not in such a situation, PLEASE install cameras without the knowledge of the new caregiver AND lock up your home tightly except the immediate area of care. This sounds like nefarious behavior, especially if dementia is involved. Abuse, neglect and/or theft could be in play, in addition to coercion (i.e., getting elderly person to sign over POA, etc.) to new caregiver. Also, if dementia is involved, you have no way to verify the truth regarding who did what to whom and when.

I'd get rid of the caregiver and Fast!! Think about it..When you search for a child day care they say that you as a parent should be able to walk in anytime during the day without calling, well, the same should be done for your elder parent. I wouldn't trust this person and you have to ask yourself why he's doing this. Nope, get him out and away from your father!!! A lot of elder abuse goes on behind the scenes...Same as with children!! Good Luck!!!

Never. A caretaker I hired for my mom wound up stealing from her, friend of a relative. After moving in with my brother, I got a letter from a lawyer saying I was to have no contact with my father. After getting POA, stole everything. No recourse to recover anything.
This caretaker should be replaced.

No, I dont think you should trust this carer. Your father
Is incredibly vunerable. You and your siblings should be able to drop in at any time and every thing should feel right and look right when you do.
What is this carer trying to keep hidden that cant be observed by family
Something, not right about it.
Chòse another carer who is fine with family popping in.
Openness is more trustworthy.

We have cared for my mom, now 94, in our home for 15 years. Sometimes, after initially training a new caregiver, I intentionally leave the house to return about 3 hours later, to see how things are going. Initially I never leave them long enough to go to my office for 8 hours. But, if any caregiver acted like the one "under inquiry" -- I would have him/her out of my house IMMEDIATELY.

A caregiver does not "train" the person he or she is caring for. Period.
Perhaps a few restricted tasks might necessitate some work with the patient, but nothing to the extent that would require seclusion from family.
This not only sets up red flags.  It should scare any family members silly.
I would fire this person IMMEDIATELY.

Years ago I had a dear friend. Her "caregiver" took over completely causing my friend to not want to see anyone except the caretaker. Long story but finally the family and I found out the caregiver was robbing her blind. I took over her care as a POA and went through months of pure hell (working full time) to get back "lost" pension and social security checks, forged checks, etc. GET RID OF ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BE SO CONTROLLING AT ONCE.......DANGER LOOMS.....DON'T WAIT. When I was trying to get money back that was stolen (and, yes, another $l00,000 out of her bank account), my life was threatened by the caregiver. GET HELP IF YOU NEED IT BUT GET THIS CARETAKER AWAY FOR GOOD - NOW - BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!