Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?

I appreciate all your comments, will show my sibs the thread, and will pursue many of the suggestions here. I don't think he is a bad person and perhaps "train" was my word not his. You have all raised excellent points, many of which I have thought of as well but perhaps showing this to my sibs will make them see more clearly. None of them has had to deal with an aging parent before our father since our mother died at 55.

No, aging parents don't come with instruction booklets - would make things a bit easier if they did. I know I made my fair share of mistakes, that's for sure. However, at least for me, this site and the wonderful, sage advice has been almost as good as an instruction booklet. Hopefully the siblings in this situation can keep an open mind and take to heart some of the good points that have been said here.

Who is responsible for taking action? Who found this person? Was recommendation from a trusted friend? It sounds like you, Josephine, are just as likely to stick your head in the sand as your brothers. Ignoring the problem will not fix it, nor make it go away. Somebody should get over there and get this taken care of.

Aaack
How was this caregiver hired ? Is he from an agency ? If not then get rid of him now - one person cannot work 24/7 and even live-in caregivers need days off - it usually takes 2 or 3 people to rotate days. If he is not through an agency then you are responsible for social security taxes and workers comp insurance

Siblings might be happy they are not getting phone calls now but too bad - you need to constantly check on caregivers too - who is responsible for grocery shopping and paying bills ?

Josephine, Try not to back down from your concerns, and do not apologize for using words like 'train', or 'demand'. Your concerns are valid, imo.
So many agree with you, and not because of a few words, but because of the actual actions taken by this caregiver.
Do what you can to intervene-because what is important here is Dad, the patient.

Do not start to doubt yourself, especially when peer pressure/or sibling pressure pushes you back. The world needs people like you, who are often the early warning sign that something is up that doesn't make sense.

AC Forum is heavy with caregivers whose siblings just don't get it, and who don't want to. Siblings with their own agenda, plenty of brooms and rugs to sweep things under! The truth will come out sooner or later. Even if you are shut-down by your siblings, maybe your presence here will get one of them to take their head out of the sand.

How is Dad doing, today? What is hppening with you, today?

Similarly, take our advice, or leave it-think of us as like sisters (or brothers) who care-and do not be pressured into taking any actions against your conscious or best interests of your Dad. However, unlike family, we are not prone to ostracize you if you don't do what we say! Are we? I sure hope not.

Hoping, and now praying for a good outcome for you, your family, and Dad.

throwing out someone's possessions without asking? that is overstepping boundaries! how can your siblings think so highly of this person? Also is this a group decision or can you simply call the agency and report what you've told this group? In other words can you take charge and to heck with your siblings?

I didn't even have to read it completely.
OUT, get rid of him. Family is a big part of your family's life.
Next, this care giver will have a lawyer and own anything
your father may still own or have access to financially
Beware, these care taker's can be thieves..

Allow me to be as BLUNT as I can. The entire family that is allowing such STUPID mistake needs to be reported to APS. Instead of Dad needing help it's the Family that needs the help if you think this is appropriate! "THIS IS A FORM OF ABUSE" at any age. Are you not embarrassed by posting such an insane question?

This caretaker sounds like a dangerous control freak. My mom had AD for 16 years. As a family we worked hard to all see her as much as possible. She would do things for me, like bathing, that she would not otherwise want. I know I helped her and she always knew my voice. Personal contact was critical. I also knew her like only a daughter can, so was able to go with her back in time to enjoys the times long past but still present for her. No caretaker can do that. Stay close to your mom and you will be glad for it after she is gone. I treasure those memories.

Sounds like a psycho movie to me...I would get rid of the guy! Check out home care down at the bottom of this page and try to find someone else for sure!
YIKES

WOW, CAN THIS PERSON ASAP. BAD STUFF HERE.
I am a care giver to an 88 year old gentleman and this person
is a very dangerous person to have in your Dads life.

Josephine, your instincts are spot on. Fight for you dad. My brother were in denial and had a hard time accepting the AD diagnosis. They hated the visits. I am in medicine and had an easier time accepting and understanding the disease. In general change is bad for AD patients. This caretaker is asking for major changes which would be traumatic for your dad. Throw the bum out. I am very suspicious of a guy who wants to suddenly make these changes. I cannot imagine a doctor in eldercare would approve.

I know how difficult this situation must be. It's true that the siblings who visit the least are the ones with the most opinions about how things should be. It's natural and it's often in reaction to their own feelings of guilt. And who doesn't feel guilty when you can't help your parent! It's true this caregiver does not seem like a good fit for your father for all the reasons listed above. Even if this man is on the level he doesn't seem to have he right kind of experience for this based on what you've said he's done. And just to reiterate, one person is not able (or legally allowed) to care for someone 24/7 so I hope you and your siblings are able to find a solution for this, that would at least involve one other person. Please keep us posted on what happens.

fire (delete expletive) the caregiver, report to the agency.

josephine24: You "train" a dog, not a human! To not let even family members visit is unheard of. What's he trying to hide? I say get him out fast before something really tragic happens. I may sound harsh, but this day and age you shouldn't trust someone like that. Good luck with this issue. Keep us posted if you don't mind.

This sounds very wrong. I'm assuming it's the comfort of the caregiver at stake here. My dad is 92 and working on Parkinson's and dementia. I have had to train him in new ways to get out of bed, with assistance, and eating, again with assistance. It's important to use the same language and routine for the comfort of the patient. My dad got used to my methods and follows them even if I say nothing. None of this involved refusing the company of others other than for the privacy areas. Family is not refused access by any agency I've employed when I needed help. My dad does not trust anyone else. When someone wants to use my bathroom he is afraid they will go into my bedroom and help themselves. I've had to reassure him about each individual. My dad would be unhappiness itself if I left him in the hands of an individual such as you describe.

This sounds like a premise for a bad TV movie--no the caregiver is working for YOU, (or at the very most obvious) for your father. He sounds creepy and manipulative.
At 91, your dad needs loving care and that's it!!

Good luck!

Josephine, for my 2 cents worth. I've not had experience with caregivers in that way. However, my FIL, after a 56 year marriage and the death of his wife , remarried at the age of 80. Not all the siblings thought it was great After he died, we find the cautious ones were the one that were spot on as to her motives. What you have described is not right!! YOU Do the right thing for you Dad, and the other siblings will figure it out! God Bless You!

Get another caregiver. He does not have the authority to make these kind of restrictive demands. You need to see and talk to your father as much as you can until you can no longer...

Did you hire on your own or is this person employed by an agency
If he is your employee keep records

H3ll no!

I didn't read the post but my immediate response is this....fire him. If he is a caregiver, he is an employee! Don't like his work, get rid of him. If Dad is completely dependent on employee, that opens the door for employee to do anything and Dad will not tell....physical, financial, etc. Not me. I'd fire him.

Is he gone yet? Yesterday isn't too soon.

One more thing: criminal background checks are not always completely truthful. I found out more about a creepy neighbor for free from Google than the check our landlords paid for revealed--and she had a drug smuggling felony on her record. (Creepy neighbor moved out finally.) Just get rid of this fraudster.

Well, maybe if they used a different word.....But, if the family has been carrying for him in a way that may not be beneficial to him, the nurse may be wishing to get him on a schedule that will help him have better care. Just a thought! Nanny cams sounds like a good idea. You can also put a door bell that records who is coming and going. (RING). If the caregiver has a key, you will know when they come and go and who else is coming and going. They will not realize there is a camera in the doorbell. As for the security system, get a camera with it and direct the camera at where your father is staying. You can check on him all day long and night long. My housekeeper did not even realize I had a camera. I told her as I did not want her to think we were watching her. I was watching HIM. But, it would not hurt to follow the new caregiver for a few days until you are comfortable with the new caregiver. You might want to talk to the company who sent this person and see what the rules are.

Josephine, your instincts make sense. Why would anyone want to isolate a vulnerable person? And generally the more nurturing and perceptive caregivers include families, keep the caregiving family informed of how the day went, and discuss concerns. Typically when we have had issues with caregivers (eg using poor judgement), they were the ones who were overly confident in their ability to jump right in and handle everything without family input at the beginning.

Hi Josephine! And then, what happened with the new care giver? Did things turn out to the good of all involved? I have followed the answers and comments and did agree to some extend to those on the right and those on the left: Fire him! No, do not fire him - he might have good reason! But, must agree, without all the facts, and it is so difficult to give all the facts in such a sort summary - it did not sounds right to me. Unless visits to your dad was upsetting him (your dad) and that he (your dad) did not want to tell his children that but that the new care giver, being with your dad and your dad confined in him, has decided to limit visits, knowing that your dad will prefer it? You know - sometimes well meant visits can also be so tiring! With us working full time, taking care of my parents after hours, have to rush home to prepare meals, helps them wash and put on PJ's and put them in bed, visits during the evenings are really so tiring. We do appreciate all the family and friends showing interest and to pop in, but we just do not have time to sit with them. We also need to do our own things and get in bed early because we get up very early to wash, dress and feed them and clean their room before going to work. It is the same with new mom's. All the visits are just too much sometimes for the poor new mom! Taking care of elderly people are much worse than caring for a baby! I think it is because of the "dignity" factor. You will be able to feed your baby while there is visitors - if your are not breastfeeding but to feed elderly people and still maintain their dignity, is not the same. You might even be able to change a nappy for the baby when your mom is visiting, but you will not be able to do the same for an elderly person. So, yes, this is a difficult one! But by now, you would improbably being able to get some glues if your "gut" feeling were right.

tacy022: Have you ever had a loved one that cannot care for themselves? You say this "thread" seems a little out of control. That's because most of us here have had to deal with our loved ones being cared for either in a nursing facility, family member or outside caregivers from agencies. First, if anyone suggests that family members not visit or call, this puts up a red flag. If that person/caregiver is a professional, they wouldn't do this. Things done "behind closed doors" is sometimes not a good thing. They may or may not be doing anything bad, but I would want at least one person from the family to be there for a while until you know what this person is like. To not be able to visit your parent or other loved one while they don't have much time left is unimaginable. The caregiver should be as attentive to the family's wishes as much as the needs of the one being cared for. I think everyone here is just being supportive to that family, and if all these people think along the same lines, then there must be something right about what we're saying. I hope this family can get other help, or at least get someone to check out this caregiver and his methods.

Tacy022 - I think we all make the same mistake: Not always reading the question properly before giving an answer! Or supplying answers to questions from way back! The question here is about a full time live-in care taker. A 24/7 care taker.

tacy022: Please re-read my most recent comment, especially about being attentive to the family AS WELL AS the client. Also, the part about MAYBE having JUST ONE family member present UNTIL the caregiver, patient and family are all on the same page and getting to know each other. This was a suggestion, not an intentional criticism to you or whatever. Sorry if you felt this way. On this site we all try to offer suggestions from experiences of our own in order to HELP each other.