I am a newbie to the forum. Hoping it will help me manage the emotions of loving but not liking my mother at a later stage of life.

Welcome!

Many of us have been in your shoes. Don’t feel badly about expressing how you truly feel. We understand.

Doesn’t it feel like this isn’t the mom that we once knew? They aren’t the same. Not at all.

Some of us have had lovely relationships with our parents. Others have had complicated situations.

My mom was once a healthy, vibrant, active and independent woman. I am sure that your mom was too. Then before our eyes they become almost helpless and dependent on us for everything. You’re exactly right saying that it is truly sad.

My caregiver days are over but I cared for my mom for 20 years, 15 of those in my home.

My grandmother remained fairly healthy until her death. Wouldn’t it be a beautiful world if we were all so fortunate? It’s devastating watching our parents deteriorate.

It’s emotionally and physically draining to care for others. Some of us find it very hard to watch our parents become overwhelmed, depressed and riddled with anxiety. We may hate to see their energy fade away.

In your case, watching your mom lose her eyesight is disturbing. My godmother had macular degeneration. It broke my heart.

I would never judge you. You are entitled to your feelings. They are completely normal.

You are living your individual circumstances and while some things are similar, each person has their own challenges.

I don’t have any magic solutions, no one does. All I can offer is to tell you that I have empathy for what you are going through.

Please don’t hesitate to ask any questions on your mind. This is a wonderful group of people and someone will always be around to address your concerns.

Take the advice that is useful to you and put aside the rest. If you need to take time to process any information, do so. There are no instant fixes in the business of caregiving!

Take care. 💗 Best wishes to you and your mom.

Welcome to the forum!

I recommend boundaries as a good start. She can only treat you poorly when you allow it, time to start teaching her that she needs you and you need her to be civil or she can find another scratching post. You are not obligated to take abuse from anyone even her.

Great big warm hug! You will get through this.

Your profile says that your mother has Alzheimer’s and dementia. If that’s what she’s been diagnosed with, I’d consider that it is causing her behavior. For people who have always been rude, unappreciative and mean, it’s hard to tell the real person from the dementia, but, due to the illness, you have to assume it’s dementia and accept it, unless she has another illness that explains it. That doesn’t mean that you have to take abuse, but, you can decide how you will respond. People like that won’t likely acknowledge your hard work, show appreciation or empathize with you. They just aren’t capable.

I recall that my LO became so demeaning, rude, demanding and hostile. No matter how much I did, she had harsh words. I could do no right. Later, we discovered it was dementia.

So, I’d figure out was is reasonable and do that. Her idea of what is reasonable may be very disturbed, It’s sad that they may not be able to get it, but, no need to exhaust yourself. The behavior of someone with dementia often gets worse over time. I hate to be negative, but the behavior can become very difficult to handle. I might check out a book like The 36 Hour Day. It provides what you can expect as a person with dementia progresses. I hope you are able to find some answers and help with your mother.

Dear "mikijl,"

Welcome to the forum and I hope you will find some encouragement from other posters. I have only been on the forum for 3 1/2 months and I've never been on one before so I understand how odd it feels to share very personal feelings/circumstances. I think you will quickly find that so many of the people on this forum are going through so much themselves that you'll soon shed that strange feeling.

This is an especially difficult time as you are in the process of growing your own family in which you'll be having a baby so you'll need to find a way to decrease your stress and anxiety in the situation with your mom so as not to jeopardize your baby.

Personally, I think the first place to start is to have your mom go through a full medical examination to see if there's any hidden medical issues that she may have. Definitely have her checked for a UTI because that in and of itself causes a wide range of troublesome behaviors. Maybe you can take her to a geriatric doctor who specializes in dealing with the elderly.

You will find a lot of people on the forum dealing with similar issues regarding their loved ones negative outlook and more. A great majority of elderly people get agitated, irritable, displaying self-centeredness and frustrations just to name a few. Some of her traits sound a little narcissistic which she may have tendencies of. Some of it, is just more of the same from what you've always dealt with in spite of having a very close relationship so now those issues are showing up tenfold.

So please have her completely evaluated and then go from there. You'll need to learn that you can't do or handle every challenge/issue with her all at once so try and take small steps or you will quickly burnout and get overwhelmed.

I wish you the best as you try and navigate your role as your mom's caregiver!