I am a newbie to the forum. Hoping it will help me manage the emotions of loving but not liking my mother at a later stage of life.

Dear "mikijl,"

Welcome to the forum and I hope you will find some encouragement from other posters. I have only been on the forum for 3 1/2 months and I've never been on one before so I understand how odd it feels to share very personal feelings/circumstances. I think you will quickly find that so many of the people on this forum are going through so much themselves that you'll soon shed that strange feeling.

This is an especially difficult time as you are in the process of growing your own family in which you'll be having a baby so you'll need to find a way to decrease your stress and anxiety in the situation with your mom so as not to jeopardize your baby.

Personally, I think the first place to start is to have your mom go through a full medical examination to see if there's any hidden medical issues that she may have. Definitely have her checked for a UTI because that in and of itself causes a wide range of troublesome behaviors. Maybe you can take her to a geriatric doctor who specializes in dealing with the elderly.

You will find a lot of people on the forum dealing with similar issues regarding their loved ones negative outlook and more. A great majority of elderly people get agitated, irritable, displaying self-centeredness and frustrations just to name a few. Some of her traits sound a little narcissistic which she may have tendencies of. Some of it, is just more of the same from what you've always dealt with in spite of having a very close relationship so now those issues are showing up tenfold.

So please have her completely evaluated and then go from there. You'll need to learn that you can't do or handle every challenge/issue with her all at once so try and take small steps or you will quickly burnout and get overwhelmed.

I wish you the best as you try and navigate your role as your mom's caregiver!

Your profile says that your mother has Alzheimer’s and dementia. If that’s what she’s been diagnosed with, I’d consider that it is causing her behavior. For people who have always been rude, unappreciative and mean, it’s hard to tell the real person from the dementia, but, due to the illness, you have to assume it’s dementia and accept it, unless she has another illness that explains it. That doesn’t mean that you have to take abuse, but, you can decide how you will respond. People like that won’t likely acknowledge your hard work, show appreciation or empathize with you. They just aren’t capable.

I recall that my LO became so demeaning, rude, demanding and hostile. No matter how much I did, she had harsh words. I could do no right. Later, we discovered it was dementia.

So, I’d figure out was is reasonable and do that. Her idea of what is reasonable may be very disturbed, It’s sad that they may not be able to get it, but, no need to exhaust yourself. The behavior of someone with dementia often gets worse over time. I hate to be negative, but the behavior can become very difficult to handle. I might check out a book like The 36 Hour Day. It provides what you can expect as a person with dementia progresses. I hope you are able to find some answers and help with your mother.

Welcome to the forum!

I recommend boundaries as a good start. She can only treat you poorly when you allow it, time to start teaching her that she needs you and you need her to be civil or she can find another scratching post. You are not obligated to take abuse from anyone even her.

Great big warm hug! You will get through this.

Welcome!

Many of us have been in your shoes. Don’t feel badly about expressing how you truly feel. We understand.

Doesn’t it feel like this isn’t the mom that we once knew? They aren’t the same. Not at all.

Some of us have had lovely relationships with our parents. Others have had complicated situations.

My mom was once a healthy, vibrant, active and independent woman. I am sure that your mom was too. Then before our eyes they become almost helpless and dependent on us for everything. You’re exactly right saying that it is truly sad.

My caregiver days are over but I cared for my mom for 20 years, 15 of those in my home.

My grandmother remained fairly healthy until her death. Wouldn’t it be a beautiful world if we were all so fortunate? It’s devastating watching our parents deteriorate.

It’s emotionally and physically draining to care for others. Some of us find it very hard to watch our parents become overwhelmed, depressed and riddled with anxiety. We may hate to see their energy fade away.

In your case, watching your mom lose her eyesight is disturbing. My godmother had macular degeneration. It broke my heart.

I would never judge you. You are entitled to your feelings. They are completely normal.

You are living your individual circumstances and while some things are similar, each person has their own challenges.

I don’t have any magic solutions, no one does. All I can offer is to tell you that I have empathy for what you are going through.

Please don’t hesitate to ask any questions on your mind. This is a wonderful group of people and someone will always be around to address your concerns.

Take the advice that is useful to you and put aside the rest. If you need to take time to process any information, do so. There are no instant fixes in the business of caregiving!

Take care. 💗 Best wishes to you and your mom.

This is a good place to vent and sometimes let it all hang out! Sharing with other family, friends and/or co-workers gets old quickly, if you even would share with them. We all need a way to express our troubles. No judgement from me.

When it came time that my mother couldn't remain in her own place (tried bringing in aides, just 1hr/day, to be increased when needed, to get her used to them, but that didn't last! She refused to let them in), I made the decision to find a nice facility for her (MC for dementia.) We CAN still love someone even if we can't take care of them ourselves. In doing it this way, one can retain a loving mother-daughter relationship and take the care-giving, nurse maid out of the picture! You can visit often, take her out sometimes (post-virus), call, bring gifts, etc. Then your visits would be QUALITY time with her, rather than doing everything else.

So, in your case, there are questions:
1) Has she been deemed incompetent?
2) Do you have POAs (Medical and Financial)?
3) Does she live in her own home, your home, apartment?

The answers are important to help give advice.

If she's not competent and you have POAs, you can work on getting her into a facility (NOTE: POAs do not allow you to force her to move - but that's getting ahead of the game.)
If she's not competent and you DON'T have POAs, you will most likely need to secure guardianship. Sometimes in early stages they can still be deemed okay to sign the documents.

If she's in her own home and can be moved to facility, the house can be sold to help pay for it.
If she's in apartment or your place and/or doesn't have enough income, you'd have to shoot for Medicaid.

Whatever the case, given your job AND your life are in jeopardy AND you plan to start a family, there isn't any way you can continue to provide the care she NEEDS while working and raising a family. It's not easy when one isn't raising a family and/or still working, but it's even more difficult for someone like you who will be doing both.

You should probably start exploring options. Check out facilities. Check on bringing in help (Medicaid can sometimes provide limited funds for care-givers, and Medicare might as well, if she is homebound and requires help with self-care such as bathing and toileting.) Find local EC attys who offer an initial free consult. Have all questions written up before hand and take notes! They can discuss POAs, wills, guardianship and most likely Medicaid.

Her assets/income should be used to pay for care-givers, facility, EC atty, etc, but if she is low income and/or the house doesn't have enough equity, have that on your list for the attys.

FWIW: My son, at the time about age 7, one time told me that he could be really angry with me and not even like me anymore, but he would never stop loving me!!! Pretty awesome thought processing and sharing it from such a young'un!

Hi Newbie, Just finished my first post about almost the exact situation you are in right now. I've used a message board before and found it very, very helpful. Hoping for the same with this issue. I totally understand how frustrated you are. Just know you have someone else to talk to about this, its a great resource.

Sounds like dementia on top of a difficult personality. The beginning signs of dementia are loss of good judgment and - at some point - loss of social filter (which your mom probably did not have much of anyway). Expect the self-focus as a normal part of her life from now on. Memory loss comes later.

No matter whatever her diagnoses, remember that your responsibility is to help mom stay safe and healthy. Balance that with making sure you maintain whatever you need to care for yourself. It seems you need help since you are missing sleep, missing work, and spending money you don't have. Please talk to your mother's doctor about an appointment to pinpoint her diagnoses and start treating them.

Your situation is very similar to mine. It’s so very difficult to be empathetic when a parent is being critical, unkind, negative & cruel. We recently moved my 94 yr old Mom in with us & it has been beyond challenging. She has always struggled w/mood disorder & depression & now with the dementia it’s gotten worse. What you are feeling towards your Mom is normal...don’t beat yourself up or let the guilt weigh on you. I did that, & trust me, nothing good comes from that. At this point, they are not going to change & more than likely the behaviors will get worse. The only thing you can do is change how you react to her behavior. That’s what has helped me. Otherwise, we start to resent them & then we feel ashamed & guilty. There clearly is no easy answer...there will b good days & awful days but most importantly you have to take care of yourself & reach out for support. Hope this helps!

Soutdated like you are doing the best you can. You need to take care of yourself especially mow that you are looking out for another which is still inside you.

You need to start looking now for a place where your mom can live and be taken care of.
No one wants to leave their home but if you can't afford Care which is expensive, the only choice left is to move into a Senior Home.

Check with her Insurance and see what she has available.

My 96 yr old Dad started ladt year with 24 7 Care and his savings is going fast using it all for 24 hr Care.

He wants to continue to stay in his own home and that's understandable and I plan to make that happen.

Next step is to look for a Live in as it would be about 1/4 of what is being paid now.

Whike your mom still has a mind, you need to let her see a few facilities to choose one and let her know this needs to be done within the next gmfew months because once gmthe baby comes, you won't have the time that she needs.

Prayers

I totally sympathise with your situation Mikjil. I was the same for 11 years with my Father who sadly passed away last year. During the time of my Fathers illness his character changed totally. I had always had a close relationship with him and I adored him before this. But I found I loved him but didn’t like him after he started to berate me and became extremely difficult. I felt that without my help he would have really struggled as my brother was not a regular in Dads life. Like you I juggled work, hospital appointments, shopping, organising care calls, lifts, meals etc. I used to dread visiting as I’d come away so upset inwardly. Since my Father passed away I have however taken comfort from the fact I kept going, I never gave in and stopped visiting despite all of the angst he caused me. Dad fell out with all the neighbours and never had anything nice to say about anyone. For him this was not usual. Your mother is not as she was and I’m sure that if she was in normal health she would realise the effects she is bringing upon you. You are being such a good daughter - hang in there if you can. You have no need to feel guilt but I do understand where you are with this situation. It’s not easy I know & it’s draining but you will have peace of mind and you will deserve it. I hope things improve for you.

I’m in the same boat! I had been the caregiver for my 85 yr old
mom for 6 months, placing my life on hold to care for her and Mothier and nothing is good enough for her. She’s unhappy but I can’t bring her happiness. She’s just angry at everything but uses me as her punching bag. I am not confrontational but if pushed, I’m not afraid to speak but with mother...I don’t say anything as her tongue is sharp! So I’ve just stayed away from her for the past theee weeks and good thing I cut my finger, so I have an excuse to not do some things. I had gotten to the point you are and I just can’t do it anymore! I’ve put more miles on my car in 6 months taking her to dr appointments than I did in 2 yrs before she moved in. We purchased a bigger home giving her 2 bedrooms to accommodate her but that isn’t good enough! Yesterday, I hired a caregiver for 4 hrs a day 3 times a week! I was getting to the point I really don’t like her and a mother daughter relationship should not be like that. Good luck

Let me start by saying I'm the only child and mom was very, very controlling in her ways.
Mom had dementia, I took care of her for 8 years. The first three years were very challenging and frustrating.
Mom gave me alot of resistance. Everything I did was wrong. And I was starting to feel resentment. Not understanding that mom was a private woman, and very independent all her life.
I lose my mom only 3 months ago.
I saw my mom take her last breath! Right in her room. Since I wanted to care for her in our home and that gives me satisfaction that I made it through the end. It was not easy and if it wasn't for the grace of God and my faith I would have gotten a stroke, that's how stressed out I was.
What I'm trying to say is get the facts on your mom’s diagnose, pray to The Lord for strength, patience and love to help you through this journey.
So when your mom passes you won't have that many regrets.
Hang in there and no matter what she says or how she conducts herself in which she has no control over it.
Take a big deep breath, go for a walk call a friend and continue to vent here.
In the end, you will feel good about yourself with very little regrets.

You said something here that really resonates with me, that this is your mom’s personality times 10. IMO, as people age, their filters begin to disappear and their basic personality seems to amplify. My dad has always been a know-it-all, but at 97 he will argue with people about everything just so he can be right. Yesterday he told me that he voted in his first presidential election when FDR was elected to his first term, which was in 1933 - he was 10 years old then! He tries to draw me into an argument so he can be right and I’ve stopped taking the bait. He can tell I’ve disengaged and he doubles down to see it I’ll bite. This used to be mildly amusing, but now its just exhausting.

What honest emotions you are expressing. Good for you.

You may have to battle with your mother for the forseeable future, but being able to tell someone about it, as you can do on this forum, will help let off steam.

Welcome.

mikijl, do you have siblings? My mother was similar to yours (I am the only local child w/3 out-of-state brothers). The impatience and dismissal of my opinions got to me. And when I was told I'd always been a nasty person, that my time wasn't worth anything, etc., while she maintained the fantasy of a few of my brothers being so wonderful...well, it got to be too much for me. I was only able to continue because one of the POA brothers started paying me for what I did for her to the tune of $20/hour. So I started treating it as a job, and it was much easier.

It is said on this forum all the time that some people can be caregivers, and that others can't. And that refers to those of us who don't live with these elders. I did not like being expected to and having to be the one who had to deal with her needs (and wants and demands), and even though I set boundaries, it was difficult emotionally for me and I resented her and the entire situation.

Perhaps you are thinking of the martyrs and the ones who preach that we must do everything for our elders. There are some of them on this forum. But there are so many others who do not believe that. Many here believe that our lives matter, too. We are not bad people if we value our physical and emotional health.

So...do you have any siblings? That's always my question at some point, because it added an important layer to my resentment, since my brothers were idolized and I was demonized...while *I* was the one who was involved and they weren't.

I have been somewhat caring for my wife(60 Y/O) for many years, In 2017 she had a major stroke and has been in and out of different facilities about 24 of the past 36 months. She has been home this time since early August.

My wife is bipolar and narcissistic. Nobody and nothing is ever good enough. No mater how hard I have tried, she always complains. We have a 17 Y/O son who is special needs and she can never thank or compliment him. We can always say just take it like "water off a ducks back" but sometimes it cuts so deep that we just want to run away and never come back.

We have 56 hours a week help provided by the insurance company to help keep her out of the hospital or LTC. The problem is finding good help that is willing to work that my wife can get along with. Right now I am using about 40 hours a week of that help. I need more but the agency we have to go through can't replace them fast enough to keep up with my wife.

I love my wife but often I do no LIKE her.

This week she was also diagnosed with Advanced Vascular Dementia. At least now she has a reason for her anger, and other outbursts.

If I didn't have a strong faith in God there is no way I could do this! We have a great connection with our small group who take good care of my son and I if we need it. Meals, visits with my wife and second most important a listening ear with the most important: prayer.

Be careful how far you are willing to go in your support if her. I too am in this boat and I got in over my head with trying to make sure she was happy and thriving. In the meantime, I was NOT happy and thriving. I developed stage 2b cancer about 3 yrs into my caretaking with my mother and I had to do a BIG assessment about how to step back and take care of myself. I couldn’t help her to live her life anymore the way she was used to, because it was taking away from me living my life the way I was used to.

Last tests revealed my cancer was back and at stage 3b. I treated again and I am doing okay with further treatment, but I had to let my mother exist as best she can or she will be better off in a nursing home. She still lives on her own at 94 yrs old, but she is on hospice. They have been a big help to me and to her. I am not as vigilant as I once was because it only made me sick. I still see her everyday, but I am not as anxious about her happiness as I once was. She has to be the one to make her life happy the way it stands now. I have been her care-taker for almost 10 yrs now. So, it can quickly take the air out of your life if you get too involved. Don’t feel guilty! It is your survival instincts telling you that you won’t have a life if you are not careful.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. But, guilt is the one thing you should remove from it. Your mom is getting old and losing her eyesight and getting more than cranky. Understandable. But, why is this your fault. In her heyday I wonder if she was the life of the party and the center of attention. I am pretty close to your situation ( except I have adult children). If I am reading between the lines, because of your family dynamic, the patterns that have developed are not healthy. You need some boundaries, for your own mental health. The right professional might help you with this. Not because there is anything wrong with you and not because you are going to abandon your mother, but because tools are needed to deal with the guilt trips and manipulations being used against you.
If I am way off base, sorry. But I have a feeling you have been taking care of your mom’s emotional needs way before she got to old age. You are torn because you feel the responsibility to help her physical needs but want to live your middle age (as your mom probably did hers). Learning to set some healthy boundaries without giving in to the guilt will not be easy.

I know it was hard to put your feelings down in print, but I have found over the years that has made it so much easier for me to see what is really upsetting me.

I had a mother that was very much self centered, do it only my way, now, or else. However kind to anyone outside the home. After Dad passed away suddenly at age 66 she became more of a handful. I was 35, married, working part time, with two children. She threatened suicide almost non stop, in her depression. 10 phone calls a day was the normal, even to me at work. Not only dealing with my own depression with the loss of my dear father, my family life and job, I had her amplified problems. It drove me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. I immediately knew I had to do something. I needed to step back from allowing her demanding ways to over take my life, wether she knew she was doing it or not. I needed her to handle her own life and hopefully her suicide threats were not going beyond that. She would not ever go for treatment. I started letting her phone calls go on the answering machine. I told her how busy I was, children, job, etc. But I would be available to grocery shop with her or what ever she needed on, Tuesday or what ever day I was free. That worked out. I just had to give myself breathing room and let her live her life. The only sibling I have lives 600 miles away.

Many years later I did become her caregiver as Alzheimers over took her. She still was a handful but I had long before learned how to deal with her demanding personality on top of Alzheimers.

One thing I have learned through all of my 79 years of life and now caregiver for my husband of 60 years, with Alzheimers, it’s HOW WE react to things they say or do. Most of the time, do not react.

Could it be dementia your mother has, possibly. Or just her personality being amplified in old age, because she has gotten away with it so long. Let’s face it, either way, we can not change them, only how we allow it to affect us and our lives.

You are young and have hopes and dreams. Don’t loose that focus. Sorry our Mothers did not or are not acting like we wish they would, or would have, but that is/was them. I am sure you love her, as did I. My mother always knew I was there for her and would do anything for her, but she could not run my life.

I hope my sharing this with you will be of help.

Your mom's personality is basically the same as it's always been. It may be worse now because you are with her more. What used to be words on the fly, that you could brush off and find humor in if discussing with someone else, are now words in your face 24/7 with the humor worn off. She is also more frustrated with the limits of her life becoming a tighter circle around her. With that said, it's still quite difficult to be the whipping post in her life.

From time to time, I have to have the talk with my mom. Very independent all of her life, raised 5 kids mostly on her own, worked every day outside the home, sacrificed all personal fun/activities while raising kids. However, the ability to be a little snippy was always under the surface. Several of her kids also had the snippy gene, so they could lock horns more often than I did with her because I wasn't going to get in to it with her over petty crap. After a couple of health issues, I ended up being with her 24/7.

Because of bad knees she can't get out and about like she used to. Very limited mobility. Constantly picking the scab, as I call it, off of someone else's issues. Ex: Our neighbor's car leaves. She's probably going to see her 'boyfriend' (even though mom knows b'friend dumped her), At first I would remind her there is no boyfriend, but now I say 'she probably is'. The next sentence is 'you said they broke up'. Ahhh, so you did remember. I have discovered my sister does the exact same thing

Your mom's personality is basically the same as it's always been. It may be worse now because you are with her more. What used to be words on the fly, that you could brush off and find humor in if discussing with someone else, are now words in your face 24/7 with the humor worn off. She is also more frustrated with the limits of her life becoming a tighter circle around her. With that said, it's still quite difficult to be the whipping post in her life.

From time to time, I have to have the talk with my mom. Very independent all of her life, raised 5 kids mostly on her own, worked every day outside the home, sacrificed all personal fun/activities while raising kids. However, the ability to be a little snippy was always under the surface. Several of her kids also had the snippy gene, so they could lock horns more often than I did with her because I wasn't going to get in to it with her over petty crap. After a couple of health issues, I ended up being with her 24/7.

Because of bad knees she can't get out and about like she used to. Very limited mobility. Constantly picking the scab, as I call it, off of someone else's issues. Ex: Two siblings don't talk to each other. One visits and will be asked how the other sibling is doing. Really???? Why open that wound? Or, it's time for a family get together - "How are we going to handle that?". To nip it in the bud so I don't have to rehash the whole thing, I just say "invite both and let them figure it out".

There's tons more of examples of scab picking and some can get more on the mean side. So, when I've had enough, I remind her that I'm not playing the mean game with her and point out what she says is hurtful. You need to do the same. You explain all of the things you are doing for her and just a tiny bit of consideration or appreciation would work much better for her. You'll probably get a few tears, but you have to make it clear (assuming she understands the conversation and there's not a dementia issue that would prevent comprehension), Point blank ask what might make her happier, offer some things she might be interested in doing - may or may not give you some insight. When she says something hurtful, don't argue. Just point out 'well, that was mean/hurtful/etc' and let those words seep in. You might also tell her if she's that unhappy with your help, there are places that might do a better job for her.

You said lodging circumstances are an issue and spending money you don't have. If she is living beyond her means and you're financing it, you need to resolve that quickly. What will happen when a baby comes along and you really can't afford things outside your own household/family? Have that conversation for sure.

If discussions aren't working (and she understands), then just don't engage in the conversations where she is being hurtful to you. Hard as heck to do, but she needs to see and understand that hurtful words will result in you 'coming back later when she is in a better mood - or - when she is over her mean streak. This whole caregiving thing is hard enough without adding a plateful of nastiness.

Please do yourself a favour and take some time to read the book Boundaries by Townsend. This has been a lifesaver for me. Girl you need to set boundaries firm and stick to them.
Take a step back and evaluate just how much time you spend with your mom is healthy time. Your health and family need not suffer. As daughters we want to do everything for our mothers but realistically this is not possible. You need good supports in place.
Make sure your mom is safe and avoid explaining to her that you need to step back. She likely won’t understand. I’m in your situation somewhat and it’s difficult. Hugs!!

I remember there was a time when I thought, “I don’t like my mother! I’m her caregiver, and I don’t even LIKE her.” I’m just saying it’s normal, or at least not uncommon! My mom has been legally blind (Macular degeneration and glaucoma) for nearly 20 years. I would like to suggest that if your mother hasn’t been to a low vision specialist yet, ask her ophthalmologist if it’s possible. Through our state (NY) mom was eligible for an exam and some free stuff every three years. She got some lighted magnifiers (much stronger than I could find in any store), large print calendars, address books, tv remotes, etc. There was also a program through a blind association that sent books on tape. Those things really improved quality of life for her, which may help with your moms’ attitude.
And welcome to the site! Sometimes you just need to vent!

Welcome to the forum. I would guess that most, if not all, of the members have shared your feelings at one time or another. Caring for a parent nearing the end of their life can be a very long process. Unfortunately their conditions only get worse. There are good days, but the trend is a downward spiral. That is really painful for the adult child who is caring for someone who is not, really, the parent they have always known. We do understand your feelings. Some of us are also old enough to understand your mother's frustrations as well.

When you start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions of your own frustrations and distaste for what your mother is becoming, please take the time to step back, take some deep breaths and get a little time for yourself. You don't mention your mother's care arrangements. If possible, do not live with your mother, nor let her live with you. You will be happier if you can go home after your visit and get a decent night's sleep. When I am with my mother and she goes into a complaining mood I simply say something like "It seems like you are having a bad day. Why don't I go home and let you get a little rest. I'll see you again on Tuesday." I have encouraged my sisters to do the same thing. Together I think we are having a little impact, decreasing the number of times Mom takes out her frustrations on us. However, my Mom does not have dementia. It may not be the same for someone with dementia. The same principle applies, though. Try to separate yourself from your mother when she complains to you.

Remember, you do have a life of your own and you ARE entitled to live it. Your care for your mother is secondary to your care for yourself, your own home and your own family.

Also, please think about keeping the frustrations and upsets that come with caring for your mother from your other relationships. If you feel you must vent, vent here. Preserve the tenderness and love in your other relationships very carefully because you will need your loving relationships to sustain you.

Good luck, and hugs.

I am so sorry you are going through this but I understand completely and have some suggestions based on years of experience. Your mother is old and getting older and I am sure she is developing dementia and along with that cruel, horrible behaviors. Personally, I don't care what the reasons are for her to become so nasty and obnoxious - nothing, and I mean nothing, justifies it. It does not matter whether she realizes it or not - it is happening and that cannot be tolerated from anyone under any circumstances. Her behavior and worsening relationship with you are having a terrible impact on you who is innocent. You do not and must not allow this. You must first accept she is NOT the person she might once have been and this is how she is now and she will get worse. First, I suggest you tell her off in no uncertain terms what she is doing and it must stop at once. Do not allow her to inflict pain and suffering on you as you do not deserve it. If you cannot stop her, you must realize you have done all you can and it is impacting YOUR life. When this happens, there is no choice but to either get a caretaker for her to free you from her actions and damages to you or you have to place her somewhere. If you do NOT do this, I guarantee you that you will suffer and be riddled with guilt and unhappiness. Never allow anyone, dementia or not, to do this to you. Be strong and if need be, walk away. She is not who she was once - so look out for yourself.

No judging at all and welcome. This forum has helped me so much and I have felt great support. Many things to learn also. Your story could be mine very easily although my mom (84) and I were never close but its worse now. My daddy passed last June and mom has always been critical, negative and complaining. She lives in her own IL place on a senior campus. She could do much more for herself but refuses. She has a PT evening sitter, 4 evenings a week. I see her once a week and process mail, sort medication and any chores needed. My sister tries to visit once a week but her health is sketchy right now. I have 2 daughters that visit her occasionally. She is very difficult. I love her and an sorry she is alone after a 65 year marriage but I do not like her at all. I still do a lot to manage her life and make sure her needs are met. I have set up boundaries and do a lot of care from a distance.

mikijl: Welcome! Thank you so much for opening up your heart, which is a good thing. If it were a perfect world, forums like this may not exist. The dynamic between mother and daughter is indeed special. It can contain the peaks and valleys that life brings. For myself, I was "disheartened" when my own late mother was adamant to live alone in her own home 7 states away from my own, for that meant that had to move there. But I rallied even though I was not stellar at doing so. That is wonderful that quite soon you'll be a mother yourself. Congratulatory wishes in advance going out to you. Prayers sent to you, also.

I’m in very similar situation but what jumped out at me was your mom being over 80 and you called it possible EARLY dementia! That’s not early.

Many here understand, my own mother is exactly as your describe yours to be including the MacDegen. Taking care of an elderly parent is so difficult, we don't see how their mind is changing inside. I often feel sad for how my mom probably is feeling with all her insecurities. She has always be self sufficient and is having a problem admitting she needs help. But there are also times I get so angry with her that I could just spit fire, she has a tendency to think I can't do anything without her input (hello, I am 57 in a couple of weeks) so this infuriates me. Also she tends to get nauseas and sometimes vomits from the smell of what ever I cook.

Understanding how many of us are out there, really helped me to start looking at the situation a little differently. Maybe writing your issues and reading others' issues and solutions can help you to. Getting the perspective of so many is a strong tool.

Hang in there, and take each day anew. Hopefully an new little one might calm your mom down. Everyone love babies, they are truly precious.

Take care of yourself every day. God Bless

She is being abusive, manipulative and demanding. That is not love.

Merely inform her that her attitude is abusive and will not be tolerated. There will be no more communion between the two of you until she apologizes.

Then, the ball is in her park. Either she grows up or faces the consequences.