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Hello, I'm new to the caregiver life. My mom is 69 and has dementia type symptoms with delusions and hallucinations. She had been involuntarily committed from 2/27/14 until 3/21/14 between 3 medical hospitals and 2 mental health facilities in wa and or. The last place tried to commit her for a further 180 days after they gave her a vague diagnosis of Alzheimer's type dementia with psychosis nos. She has only had a CTscan and bloodwork at the first edicts hospital and the last mental health facility in or. The last facility lost their case and I brought her to live with my family and I (husband and 2 kids 11&13yrs old). Our house is to small for all of us and as it was we were already financially struggling. Since bringing her home I have had to quit my new job to be home with her. I have tried every resource I could google and every other one anyone recommended. I had a memory care facility lined up but the 'diagnosis' was not confirmed and she was denied Medicaid thru sr&disabled services. She only qualifies for $15 a month in food stamps which won't even start till the intake appt in June that somehow will qualify her for Medicaid and maybe a program i can be paid as her caregiver and maybe other programs, a big Maybe. We are drowning now and I am at my witts end with no support. My husband doesn't agree with helping her or anyone for that matter and since our house is to small I am sleeping on the couch, my son is in my room and my mom has his room. My moms psychosis started this year in jan after she gave up trying to save her home she owned of 20 yrs that the city in wa kicked her out of and boarded up nov 2012. The whole 2013 yr was spent with her trying any and every possible help she could find and nothing. My mom is a retired registered nurse for over 30 yrs. proud, stubborn and always had what she needed. Her mental state now is her personality exasperated by 1000 and from her hiding, stealing, lying, hoarding, forgetting, calculatedly remembering, and out right belligerent behavior my family is having a hard time. The delusions and hallucinations are mild but control her every thought. The fascinating part is they are based on real people and events but the outcomes are opposite of reality. Like she says her house is being moved to Alaska and she is getting all the money from it, when actually her house is in short sale and she is only getting a tiny amount; her 'husband' she waits for with everything she owns (not
Much) packed and ready to go with to her 'home' in wa and is a real person but in reality is an old neighbor that she absolutely despised because he called the animal control with complaints about her barking dogs. She actively converses with them and only believes them and I and anyone 'real' is a liar. She refuses to think anything is wrong and that she is now an empath who can talk to animals as well. Overwhelming to say the least. I one of there kids and the only capable one to be able to care for her. Well supervise her is more like it. I have literally exhausted every possible resource that or is supposed to have and nothing is available. With all the 'parents are better with family' garbage they make it impossible for that to happen. She refuses to go to a dr and get the necessary tests done to confirm the 'diagnosis' cuz she says this is how she's been. I finally got her to say 'she need her head checked' but now she's adiment that she's going to an appt with her dr in wa. Since being with us she has improved 100% and has only attitude, refusal, denial, and some mild cognitive issues. She did share with me that when she bends down and stands up she get dizzy and 'it starts again' which is the loud buzzing in her ears, which is a huge concern and points toward something medical. Without the money and resources needed to move into a bigger place or even place her we are slowly falling apart as a family. I know what I'm doing in my heart is better for her but with no support from anywhere I don't know how long I can do this.

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Kamdushka I can't help feeling that you've gone about this in an ill-advised way. I've been trying to follow the course of events: is it correct, that you removed her from the psych unit against medical advice when they wanted to commit her for a further 180 days? And that a court of some sort found in your favour when the hospital tried to enforce her committal?

Never mind, be that as it may. The trouble is that your mother is incredibly ill, you have no idea why, and now you're finding it hard to get her to agree to see a doctor. She is presumably refusing because she is psychotic and/or demented (these are not mutually exclusive conditions). And meanwhile it is also very important that a number of other physical possibilities get excluded. And meanwhile you're under terrible stress yourself, and your husband - for understandable reasons - is folding his arms and not helping?

Oh brother, what a muddle.

Now then. Since they're the only people who seem to have had a proper plan, what I suggest (and don't just say no) is that you go back to the mental hospital - call them up and talk to them about where everybody goes from here. I expect they did make some derogatory remarks, I'm afraid - probably they were hopping mad, feeling very foolish, and therefore not minding what they said. Were you exquisitely polite about them at the time ??? :)

The point is, they might well be able to help you, and even more importantly help your mother. TALK to them, see if together you can all come up with a plan that will get somewhere, and ideally build a good working relationship. Best of luck
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I don't care how old you are or all the details because I am a seasoned caregiver to mom and one thing I have learned by experienced caregivers shoes- you will always be 16 in moms eyes and the older and more dependent she becomes- the more she is losing HET LIFE, her pride, her FUTURE- she has nothing to look forward to so she is hanging on to all she has left- the title of mom. If you cannot live with her respectfully and if you are not able to live happily and neither is she- even if its all her own mental capabilities at fault- call county services. Trust me- its better to move her close, visit every day, maintain as many of her personal needs in you- remember your childhood together and smile. All the details and all the answers with all the details is too much. Either bite your lip till it bleeds or make other arrangements ... I knew it was time when mom told me I couldn't go out after dark to dinner with my husband- I am 60 and married 40 years- and no amount of words could convince her that my age and grandmother status factored into HER decision- while banging her cane against a wall and screaming "listen to me young lady"!
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Kamdushka, I'd give anything to be able to be standing next to you while all this crap is going on.

It's going to be ok. You have done NOTHING wrong. It is vital to find out what exactly is going on with your mother, and that is what you have got under way. You are RIGHT to have done that. Honestly, it'll get better for her from here.

As for your husband, please, as far as you can, just mentally take time out. He's broken down under the strain: it's not admirable, but it's understandable and it could get healed if nobody says anything they can't ever take back. Just for now, try to let him be.

Keep in close touch with the hospital and don't be afraid to ask questions - write down the answers, including names and contact details, because you won't remember what's been said.

I know guilt isn't voluntary but I PROMISE you you have no grounds for guilt. You are doing the right thing. Thinking of you, best of luck x
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SDO: what would it matter if I did or didn't go to church? Or even if I'm religious or not? Would it make a difference either way? Is this religious belief, church going question a real one? Are u basing any advice u would give me if u had it on the premise that I am religious and go to church?
What if I don't go to church or believe in anything except myself? Will u not offer me advice?
If you think that u have such a hugely superior right to come onto this forum and ask such obviously judge mental, closed minded questions that have no place in this particular discussion with the intention of using the answers to withhold advice back, because u have given urself permission to interpret this 'bible' so u can be the judge in who is worthy of hearing ur advice, well, i don't need to really say anything. U are already on ur way creating ur own world of eternal judgment.
If u think using religion as a tool to try and criticize or judge me or my situation is in anyway what 'god' intended, u should be ashamed of urself. If I thought it was ur business to know
If I am religious or go to church or not, well, I would say: if I was to believe in organized religion, go to church and need to believe there is a god so I can then not feel alone and have the power to get thru this I certainly wouldn't believe any god would condone u passing judgements on people. And I wouldn't want to believe in a go that would encourage his followers to be judge mental and criticize those that don't need to be a part of organized religion to feel whole. So for u I ask such a question using such a controversial subject is sad.

What if I said yes I do go to church, would that then make u feel as if u had a connection with me and u could then seem me worthy of ur advice? What if I said I didn't go to church? Would that then compel u to try and save me from myself? Or would it give u a feeling of superiority and u then make it ur mission to say I'm not worthy of ur advice or help? What if I said I worship a rock, on thurs between 12-2 by a river and that I have had spiritual enlightenment and the rock has given me the strength i needed to handle my situation better? Would u think ur opinions on how a rock isn't somethjng to be worshipped and cannot help me and is ur duty to point out and criticize me for not believing the way u do?
What would u say if my religious beliefs are that if I did believe in a god, that that god gave me and every living thing all the tools We need to get thru life's challenges without needing to be in a structure first in order to be worthy of his guidance?
Do u honestly think that if i go to church and have religious beliefs i could handle my life any better and have a solution sooner? Are u even a caregiver? Will I miraculously have what I need handed to me of I do go to church?

What I do believe is that if there is a god or higher power that did in fact create us and earth and life then I surely would hope he would have given us the necessary tools within ourselves and already have the answers to all out questions in our heads and all the cures for all the ailments in our earth. Why would he create us just to rely only on him?

Basically- I believe in myself. My beliefs are in each and every living thing being complex piece of a bigger picture with purpose and infinite power. My church is earth and my faith is in myself. I worship my own creations - my children. And with them the future has a little more chance of becoming better for everyone. Not that I need to explain myself to u. But unlike u, I am comfortable enough to not get offended by ur need to know if I'm worthy.

Now back to the subject at hand. Sorry for the rant and if I offended anyone. But some people don't mind forcing their opinions on people. Especially here, when it wasn't asked for or relevant.
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Do you have POA? You may need to pursue guardianship.
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Chicago: let me ask u this- is that what u would want done to u? Just be dropped off and forgotten? I will not apologize to anyone for doing what should be easy for a child. And I'm sorry if u don't have anyone that would. But family especially will not get an apology. That is not family. And u really do need to read the whole story before u comment. If u had u would know that, YES, I did help her. How do u think she was able to get to the point of finally getting help? If I just left her like u so easily say I should then I would have only condemned her to forever be lost in her head and die a sad lonely death. I do not have the ability to be so cold hearted and abandon the person who gave me life. Who raised me selflessly and didn't abandon me. If she had been a horrible parent who abused me and purposefully tried to make miserable this would be a very different response. I honestly don't think u would want to be left in an er and abandoned either just because it would hinder someone's life. Nobody deserves that.
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And Chicago: I do not have any reason to apologize to anyone for anything. And if all it takes for them to abandon me is trying to help my mom or help whoever that can't help themselves when every fibre of my being says I'm doing the right thing. Then they weren't friends and not family in the first place and I don't want them in my life.
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I am thankful that I live in an era with scientific information, not in the pre-science Bronze Age where everything people didn't understand was marked up to invisible demons, be it depression, schizophrenia, brain disease, birth defect, or even common gynecological problems.

I say this as a Southern Baptist who has had theological training every single day kindergarten through high school and Honors Theology at university, plus church three times a week. The Bible is a lot of things and sacred to many people, but it's not a medical reference.
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Well said sandwich42!
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Thank you gardenartist. I have a really short tolerance level for that kind of stuff. And I do not judge people based on their beliefs or otherwise. It's not my place to say what u should think or feel. Now if u shove it down my throat and try and force me to see ur way then well I've already given an example how I deal with that. Especially here. Where as I'm sure others are, I am really sensitive and at the end of my rope. Vulnerable to any hate filled thoughts. And sadly now am being forced to choose between my mom and my husband who has totally shut me out and refuses to even hear anything from me about my mom. He did make a counseling appt for himself in a couple days. But I can't bear to think of life without him or having to make such a choice. Especially now. When finally the worst part is over and there's better days ahead. My mom is slowly recovering and early next week we will have a diagnosis and a plan. I cannot say that she can't come home with me. If the alternative is somewhere she will regress and never recover. Even now when she's at the hospital and only sees me once a day it's hard on her. Unfamiliarity is what has kept her stuck. Today I didn't go see her. I should have but wanted a day home. Which ended with me asking him to help me find a solution and him assuming the worst and starting in with the hateful yelling names at me. Shoulda gone. I did try and call but my mom wouldn't talk and has deemed me dead with a brain tumor. Expected. It's sad to know if I was rich this would be easy. But I have to believe that as long as I'm doing what I'm doing for her then everything will eventually fall into place and little by little it already has started to. One day at a time.
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