New to parenting a parent that refuses to admit anything is wrong. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

New to parenting a parent that refuses to admit anything is wrong. Any advice?

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Hello, I'm new to the caregiver life. My mom is 69 and has dementia type symptoms with delusions and hallucinations. She had been involuntarily committed from 2/27/14 until 3/21/14 between 3 medical hospitals and 2 mental health facilities in wa and or. The last place tried to commit her for a further 180 days after they gave her a vague diagnosis of Alzheimer's type dementia with psychosis nos. She has only had a CTscan and bloodwork at the first edicts hospital and the last mental health facility in or. The last facility lost their case and I brought her to live with my family and I (husband and 2 kids 11&13yrs old). Our house is to small for all of us and as it was we were already financially struggling. Since bringing her home I have had to quit my new job to be home with her. I have tried every resource I could google and every other one anyone recommended. I had a memory care facility lined up but the 'diagnosis' was not confirmed and she was denied Medicaid thru sr&disabled services. She only qualifies for $15 a month in food stamps which won't even start till the intake appt in June that somehow will qualify her for Medicaid and maybe a program i can be paid as her caregiver and maybe other programs, a big Maybe. We are drowning now and I am at my witts end with no support. My husband doesn't agree with helping her or anyone for that matter and since our house is to small I am sleeping on the couch, my son is in my room and my mom has his room. My moms psychosis started this year in jan after she gave up trying to save her home she owned of 20 yrs that the city in wa kicked her out of and boarded up nov 2012. The whole 2013 yr was spent with her trying any and every possible help she could find and nothing. My mom is a retired registered nurse for over 30 yrs. proud, stubborn and always had what she needed. Her mental state now is her personality exasperated by 1000 and from her hiding, stealing, lying, hoarding, forgetting, calculatedly remembering, and out right belligerent behavior my family is having a hard time. The delusions and hallucinations are mild but control her every thought. The fascinating part is they are based on real people and events but the outcomes are opposite of reality. Like she says her house is being moved to Alaska and she is getting all the money from it, when actually her house is in short sale and she is only getting a tiny amount; her 'husband' she waits for with everything she owns (not
Much) packed and ready to go with to her 'home' in wa and is a real person but in reality is an old neighbor that she absolutely despised because he called the animal control with complaints about her barking dogs. She actively converses with them and only believes them and I and anyone 'real' is a liar. She refuses to think anything is wrong and that she is now an empath who can talk to animals as well. Overwhelming to say the least. I one of there kids and the only capable one to be able to care for her. Well supervise her is more like it. I have literally exhausted every possible resource that or is supposed to have and nothing is available. With all the 'parents are better with family' garbage they make it impossible for that to happen. She refuses to go to a dr and get the necessary tests done to confirm the 'diagnosis' cuz she says this is how she's been. I finally got her to say 'she need her head checked' but now she's adiment that she's going to an appt with her dr in wa. Since being with us she has improved 100% and has only attitude, refusal, denial, and some mild cognitive issues. She did share with me that when she bends down and stands up she get dizzy and 'it starts again' which is the loud buzzing in her ears, which is a huge concern and points toward something medical. Without the money and resources needed to move into a bigger place or even place her we are slowly falling apart as a family. I know what I'm doing in my heart is better for her but with no support from anywhere I don't know how long I can do this.

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Kamduska, I was extremely Happy that you didn't let anyone or anyone's opinion stop you from getting your mom help! Especially Pamste whatever her name is, she was nice to you, I wrote a post and all she had to tell me is " I was bi-polar needed to take my meds and that I had to fix my dysfunction before I could help my family's" I know exactly how you feel and I too have and will not stop at nothing to help my mom! My siblings and father wont even talk to me anymore! I was going to call social services on my sister and father luckily I didn't have to because my sister got scared by my threat and took my mom to the er so I told the er dr what was happening and he got the social worker involved. I go visit her every weekend and it usually ends up with my sister or father kicking me out of the house but I still get a chance to hug and kiss her and for her to know Ill always be there for her no matter how many times I get kicked to the curb! Im going to suggest you go visit your mom more, she might look at you with dislike but she'll get over it, and deep down she knows why she's there but if you don't go she'll start to believe that you did just leave her. As for your depression it might also stem from the guilt you feel for not seeing her! You're all she has, like you said before "she gave birth to you,picked you up when you fell watched over you ect.. Don't give up on her or YOURSELF now! You both still need each other! Her fight and yours is still there, its hell I know but just think of the hell your guilt will be when shes not with you anymore, even though YOU have done everything to help her! involve your kids take them to see the Grandma they knew before she came to live with you, show them that this is why you don't give up on family! They'll see for themselves how much better she is cause of you and maybe just maybe your husband will see WHY you did what you did! And NEVER apologize to anyone for doing what you did! Proud of you and hoping you get better for yourself and family! hugs
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Is your mom with it enough for you to say: Mom, in order for me to assist you with whatever you need, you have to see a dr so I know how what you need help with. If you arent willing to do that, I'm sorry, but the authorities will likely commit you to a facility and at that point there will be nothing I can do to help you. That's basically what I had tip do worth my dad; he got arrested because of a huge misunderstanding. I arranged for his bail and told him that if he didn't cooperate and go to whatever appts then he was on his own when he had to go to court. It was a HUGE reality check for him. Thankfully, getting him on meds, getting glasses and hearing aids has helped tremendously and he is not so.... (not sure of the right word) but much easier to deal with and help take care of. Good luck - I know this must be very frustrating and stressful for you.
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Please, please, please have your mother tested for a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). There are more seniors in institutions for no reason. UTI's give a senior alzheimer's symptoms and will give them hallucinations. My dad does have symptoms of dementia, but not as bad as we at first thought. He had severe UTI for several months. We now have it and him under control. All are a bit happier.
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Well it's been quite some time since I've updated here. So here it goes.

On July 3, 2014 as I previously wrote my mom has been in the state hospitals Gero psych unit. I have visited her exactly once. As it is an hour and a half north of me. That was my choice. Do I regret it and feel guilty for not visiting her more often. Every second of every day I feel more guilt than words can express. Why would I not go more often, well, to sum it up, I gave up on trying to help her. I left it to those who are supposed to know how to help her. I stepped back from everything. Well, let me be honest, I fell straight into a black hole of depression so deep that I almost didn't see the light of day again.

Not sure if I already said this before but up until months ago I had no clue what depression actually was. Until I was fully emersed in it myself. And to be honest, nobody can say they do until they, themselves have actually felt and been thrown into the dark depths of depression.

You have no idea what being depressed feels like and cannot begin to imagine how utterly and completely the feeling of being alone can do to someone.

I can tell you this. The one thing that everyone in my life misunderstood about what it means to support someone through a time so confusing and so completely foreign to them is being there. The one simple act of just knowing that someone is there to listen on the other end of a phone your afraid to pickup is the one thing that I didn't have from any of my long time friends or my family, save one friend that has been my friend since 3rd grade and surprisingly my dad who in doing his best to keep in touch on a very regular basis, is something he doesn't do and for him to hear in my voice how badly I needed him is monumental. I will finish this in a bit, my son has requested I show how I don't throw like a girl. ;-)
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Kamdushka - I am in a very similar situation as I have a father who has become cognitively impaired. It all started in Dec 2013 when over night he became confused, delusional and suffered hallucinations. After a long hospitalization (2months) he returned to his home. The doctors think we are looking at a Parkinson's Dementia without tremor or a dementia brought on by an Auto Immune Encephalitis. My father has very poor insight in to his illness and is incredibly stubborn, trusts no one. I took paid family leave initially to take care of him then had to quit my job as he was Head of Household for my mom who has mild dementia and my sister who is developmentally delayed. It has been an incredibly difficult time for all of us . I am a single mom and struggle as there are little to no resources for people that suffer from cognitive impairment such as dementia/Alzheimers. I'd like to know how things are going with you, your family and in your mom. I completely empathize with you. You are a GREAT daughter for stepping up and trying to do what is morally right for your family. Would love to hear from you.
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Kamdushka I don't know what to say. Here is a virtual back rub, if that helps any.

Is it possible your husband was letting off steam? Give him a chance to calm down and think about what he said - could be there'll be words he'd rather take back. I really hope so.

By the way, *none* of your mother's ills are your fault. Thought I'd just put that on record in case it isn't completely obvious.

Big hug. Feel better. This too will pass.
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Well, if life could be any more confusing and unbearably terrifying I don't know if I can get through this. My husband has become a monster and I am to blame for everything. Since my mom lost her marbles and through two states and too many facilities it has come full circle right back to the beginning. The state hospitals Gero psych unit doesn't have the time she needs in order to recover and they are workjng on putting her in some kind of adult foster care place by me. Which is ironically one of the many I called when this all started to try and place her somewhere. The social worker this time is not an idiot and is one of the only two I have dealt with from the start that isn't hell bent on doing nothing or is to stupid to know better.

My soul is bruised and battered and my heart hurts every time I think of her in a place that I know all to well she hates and is herself reeling pissed off at me and the world.

My husband has made himself believe that I deliberatley moved her in and somehow waved a wand to make every place not help her or keep her. Even though he has heard it from them himself, it is not his truth. I've been so depressed that I can't find any way out of my own black hole and I did get out once only to be kicked right back down into a bog of despair that now I have to endure alone.
He is positive they since the social worker is dealing with it and they have a lot more records on my mom that there's no doubt the place will take her and keep her. Initially he said we just needed to get a bigger place and get me a job and be stable enough to have her with us. That has since been revoked and he now just wants to be happy and not have to deal with my emotional outbursts. He says I need to snap out of my depression and stop neglecting my family. I have changed to the point he doesn't like me and he thinks somehow that this happening wouldn't change anything. The feeling of regret for not being strong enough to help my mom, the guilt I have for not paying attention in the beginning when I could have done something before all this started is overwhelming. And the thought of losing my husband over this is so unbievably confusing that I cannot even think straight.

At one point I think that if he can't hang on and support his wife through such a bad situation no matter what and continue to go so far as saying it's all my fault I don't have anyone to call or talk to and if I want to off myself then that's my fault to?! You just don't say thjngs like that to someone who U promised to love no matter what thru good and bad, especially when that person is so depressed that it's almost time for my padded room. Now he has decided he hates where we live, he hates his life and wants to move back 'home'. He is perplexed as to why I wouldn't want to move. For one, my mom is here now and it's because I brought her here, for two our kids are at an age where a move could really affect them, for three I never liked where we lived before. This whole situation is so screwed up I am unable to find a solution that doesn't require a lot of money really quick to buy a house w/a mther in law apt and acreage do my mom can recover if it's not to late. I am broken and without support.
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Good to hear from you, K. I think, hope, it's a good sign that you felt like posting?!

Having a plan is great. Even if it doesn't go as expected, at least it gives you some idea of where you are - much better than feeling lost and not knowing which way to turn.

So where is your mother staying for now? It sounds as if you're able to keep close tabs on how she's doing. Not seeing her must have been hard, but you needed that cordon sanitaire, you know - otherwise the working, the planning, the orientation all go to pot. Keep in touch, hugs to you x
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It has been a long time since i have been here.

I would like to thank everyone who shared their stories and offered kind words. It truly helps. Now for her story. Since my last post things went ok. The mri was insignificant and only showed even more she doesn’t have alzheimers.

From the beginning of june until beginning of july she progressively began to improve even more. Surprise puppies that were sold made her dive deep into herself and she packed some stuff and for the first time in weeks she sat in front of the store from early morning until after midnight. refusing to even look at me.

I had began to be numb in order to handle his spiratic fits of angry word bashing. So I called the local police dispatch line and asked for their assistance. The sergeant and one office came in separate vehicles. They asked if I would take her home and i told them NO. The officer asked her if she would come home with me and for the first time she said yes. Further explanation to the officers and I watched my mom get into the back of the cop car on july 3 and thats the last time i will. The crying didnt stop tip the next day. From here to the hospital eugene where she had been twice prior so they knew her. I only saw her for a sec as she glared at me and looked me straight in the eyes with so much sadness and anger and confusion on her face she told me to leave. That was 2 months ago. I haven’t seen or heard her voice because I became comfortably numb. I might have cried to myself many times and a few unexpected times.

Not good to stuff that much.My sadness was to much for him again and it started all over again. Not a hint of light anywhere in my dark hole of sorrow. I desperately tried any kind of meditation, reiki and self help books i guess there called. Rhonda Byrne is the author of The Secret books. Helped so much i pulled myself out of my hole alone and handled life for a while. and as grief is one wave was just to much and knocked me down enough for him to see and lose all hope i was not having a good day and that was his que to start in with his version of my feelings.

All I have to say about this whole roller coaster from h*ll ride of my life is:

Never underestimate the power of your mind. I do not see my moms situation as one that is weird or strange. I look at it like, my mom is such a strong person that she has created her own world in order to survive such a huge blow to her soul that without strength she would not have made it to morning. I can say without a doubt that because i listened to my gut and knew my mom so well and i was sure once she started to be around normalcy and familiar people and stuff she could slowly get out of her own head. I witnessed it.

Never take anything or anyone for granted in your life. In a blink of an eye what you thought would always be there could vanish without warning.

Ive lived a nightmare that hasn’t ended. She has been in 3 of the best hospitals in oregon in the last 2 months. the state hospital gave her meds for over a month and finally conceded they weren’t helping and since she’s not improving with that one way the dr said they don’t think she’s fixable. I asked about alternative methods therapy and the dr said they don’t have the time for that.

The dr was apologetic and understanding. today isn’t the day for drs to actually practice medicine without racing against the clock.

Who’s the victim in the end. The woman who gave me life has had her own life dismissed on paper and filed away with the rest of the ones nobody can take the time needed for their recovery.

Im working again and have a straight line to my goal to move into a place with more land and a mother in law type small space for her. Unless I win the lottery moving isn’t going to happen warp speed but it will happen rather quickly. All i need to think about is the end result.
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Took 2 days to myself, little guilt. But much needed. And So far so good. Sat she did good and Sun, though, the nurse said she's really delusional, same scenarios I assured her, my mom behaved. ;-) Interesting thing though, the nurse also said my mom takes her meds sometimes not. I'm gong to see if whoever gives out the rx if they could write time of day. They got to write stuff down anyways for her chart. My mom, I think, is testing her head and the meds. Just a theory. Knowing how she hates not being in or able to control herself. Since she's more relaxed at this one she's really starting to try. Slowly but she's doing it. Also the dr called and asked if I was ok with an MRI on my mom?!?!?
WOW! And from a dr dr. Well if all the stuff I read and talked to about was written using one hospital as an example it would be this one. Except the er desk people. Nasty ninnys.

Yes she's getting excellent care, but, tues is the last day of the dr hold. They've already been checking in to see what I was considering etc. Especially now since she doesn't have Alzheimer's dementia. So no nursing home she won't qualify.
It's not that I think all places are horrible, not at all. In fact I had called many homes figuring out the steps. Out of maybe 15-20 in the 2 hr radius that spec in Alzheimer's etc. 1 of the contact people with all the info. That was right down a 1/2 block from my job at the time. Perfect. I still haven't met her face to face. She has kept in regular contact since the beginning and has been instrumental in just plain being there. It's very appreciated. As it has here.
The that my mom has always said she never wants to be put in a home. I've heard her say that since I was little. And after seeing her just in a hospital I can see why. She hates being controlled and told what to do when and she hates not being able to get up and walk out. She's always been that way, the worst patient in a normal frame of mind. I was just trying to do what's best and what she'd want.
Got both accomplished but came out scarred. Well worth it.
And as for him, well, not over yet. There's only a few simple things a guy considers, its not a truce but, a partial peace offering.
Now to see what the MRI said and the neuro psych eval my mom did fri. Yes she did ;-).
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