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My husband and I decided to try to get some help with bathing MIL. I have not been very successful doing it myself. The agency we called of course wants 8 to 12 hours per week in 4 hour blocks. My husband decided to have them come in the evening so we can go out. This is making me nervous. Having a stranger in my home unsupervised except for mom. Advice anyone?

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Go through a physician or insurance company who have more resources to screen caregivers than you may have, then have a face to face interview with the helper and make a plan/contract. Good luck.
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Arlyle Oct 2019
Thank you. We have already got someone coming. She has been here twice. MIL has not been very receptive. But, she was better the second visit, so we are going to keep trying for a while. It is through an agency and the worker who is assigned lives very near us and seems genuinely good. We are very happy with her so far. Still, however, cannot get MIL to get in the shower. Don't really know how much longer this can go on. Guess we'll just play it by ear.
Thanks to all.
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Hi, first and foremost, when going through any agency, you can be assured that any caregiver they send to you, is thoroughly trained to handle any situation, they have had a very detailed background check, and some, if not all ,bond their caregivers. I am a caregiver, and outside of bonded at work, I carry private insurance, and I'm bonded via that. Never had to use it, but it's a huge piece of mind. Why not have the potential caregiver come to your home, spend some time with Mom, doesn't have to be a long visit. Reason; Seniors seem to develop the ability to "pick up vibes" off others. Mom will know if she and you can "have faith" - be comfortable with the caregiver. This works great for me. I do it on my own time, but when it's time to get in caregiver mode, my senior feels she knows me. Simply because of a brief, relaxed visit. If the caregiver can't be trusted, she would not be working via an agency. GOOD LUCK..!!
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gdaughter Oct 2019
This is not always the case and one must make sure and see proof to be sure. I am a professional and succumbed to someone and when push came to shove, in spite of it being an agency (although private hire only) the person was a nightmare that was being considered. 10+ traffic citations speaking to her personality and behavior alone and another court issue related to trashing a rental apartment. People aren't what they used to be and my suspicion is many are in programs to keep benefits so they do the training and as little as they have to to keep them up. They can also work long enough to gain access and rip people off. Be cautious and aware.
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Keep trying to find someone that will do it with a shorter shift. Ask around. I mean ask everyone you run into. That's what we did. A nurse gave us a lead to someone that would be willing to do an hour shift between her other shifts.

As for learning to trust them, you just have to take time and learn to trust them. Start out by being at home at the same time. See if it works out. If it does then go from there.
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Arlyle Oct 2019
This is how I would like to do it. Hubby however, is anxious to resume our social life.
So I guess at this point, the problem lies more with him than MIL. 😕
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We used aging care.com, interviewed a few in person and decided that we did not need a nursing degree to prepare sandwiches or drive to appointments so the other caregiver agency helps with long-term care applications. The first person they sent out drag him around the grocery store doing her own shopping, washed one load Of laundry and heated up a frozen meal that he could do himself. She was asked to dust but did not. Upon my complaint I’m not certain she has a job anymore but to me... dragging a 91 yr old man around BelAir while recovering from knee surgery and sepsis is all wrong, especially given he came home with bananas and a bag of prescriptions. They refunded us immediately and the 2nd caregiver has been a perfect fit. She keeps herself busy, watering plants, vacuuming, wiping bathrooms and standing by during showers, etc. She’s 60, even speaks a bit of Japanese so they get along very well, and keeps him informed of what she’s doing so he doesn’t feel uncomfortable with someone roaming around his home. I keep a list of small chores for her and she keeps me in the know of anything he needs. We are very fortunate to find such a great fit.
i suggest you put off date nights until you find one that’s self motivated and respects your home and your mom likes or even enjoys. . It may take one or 5 but you’ll learn as you go as well. Clorox wipes instead of pure bleach, for instance. Small lists of chores done each visit vs once a week. There are very good ones out there. If your mom is able to give feedback that’s the most helpful in deciding. They are not slaves nor should they be treated as such but small things to keep them busy will make the team a well oiled machine. Be realistic, 4 hours can go slow if everything is done so companion care is a fallback, playing cards, reorganizing drawers, chatting about common interests is fine too. I have mine take him to store and prepare 3 days of sandwiches or lunches each visit , you get the point.
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Make sure the company is fully insured and bonded.. Make sure your insurance covers for direct injuries, if they claim they hurt themselves by moving MIL.

I knew a couple who had caretakers,, not sure if they were with so n so corp., but the one person sued, and couple lost their home...

So ask her doctor for hospice evaluation... This will get someone out 2x a week for bathing. It can't hurt to ask dr or health insuramce about that stuff.
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What do you think will happen? - some theft? .... they know they would be suspect so it mostly won't happen

Stay for 15 to 20 minutes for first two times to cover issues that arise - don't always arrive back at same time - make a professional environment with that person[s] so that they feel they are a part of your team but also if it makes you more comfortable secure any truly valuable items [probably not necessary but if it helps you do it] -

FYI ... they are not going to go through your cupboards & rate you on how 'good' they look so what is really your problem? - given the work they need to do then the most will happen will be that they actually finish with enough time to sit down & call family members -

98% are just wanting to do their job & get home but there might be that other 2 % to deal with .... so do you want to ignore a chance to get out 'just in case' or do you want to make the most of chances put in front of you ..... your choice!
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Ideally you would want to be home while the MIL is being bathed. Also a tip that I used when my mother was in an NH - I had her lie in the bed while I bathed her via using a tub of warm, soapy water and washed her entire body in stages so that she wouldn't get chilly. May I add that my late mother was a VERY modest woman, BUT she loved it!💞💞
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I'm dating a gentleman who owns a Comfort Keepers franchise. They send Home Helpers to give the main caregiver a break in the home. Make sure all important documents, papers, and valuables are locked away in a safe place, and this may be a good time to take pictures of and document the value of such items; take pictures of any receipts of valuable items in your home as well and keep them in a folder in a secured place (such as a locked cabinet door). If you have a safety deposit box at your bank, this would be a good time to put smaller valuable items and documents in that safety deposit box.
If you find someone you are comfortable with who is bonded and insured, it is a good idea to stick around for the first few visits to feel it it's a good fit for your loved one. Some agencies offer a "home review" where the owner or one of the office workers comes to your house to give you tips on home safety before you get started. They will review the living situation and give helpful tips about potential trip hazards, safety issues, and security issues that you might not have noticed. For instance, throw rugs, pets, and appliance cords are often mentioned. Bank statements, mail, and bills are often left out in the open as well.

Once you start feeling comfortable with the person (or a few different people) , you can leave and run errands, attend events, and catch up with friends, but I would strongly suggest surprise "pop in" visits when the caregiver is not expecting you. You might say you forgot your wallet or sunglasses, if you feel a need to give a reason for your unannounced drop-in. There is usually a four hour minimum because the worker has drive time and paperwork to fill out for every visit; those are just a couple of reasons for that minimum. Do not lend money or give valuables to any caregivers; they will only ask for more, and it leads to an uncomfortable relationship. I'm just giving you tips for prevention. An ounce of prevention is MORE than worth a pound of cure for sure!!
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Established agencies (like Visiting Angels) are licensed, bonded and insured and do all the background checking. I strongly advise against hiring a private individual! Make sure all critical and sensitive paperwork is locked away in a file cabinet or fireproof safe during every visit. No checkbooks, bank statements, passports, credit/atm cards, drivers licenses, jewelry, etc.) Make sure there are no prescription medications accessible where someone could take a few pills without noticing. Sometimes theft is not premeditated, sometimes happens because of opportunity. We've been using Visiting Angels for years and love the service and the caregiver.
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Arlyle Oct 2019
This is the same agency we have called. We are hopeful our experience goes as well as yours. Still nervous but time will tell. Also MIL may not cooperate, then not sure what we will do.
Thanks all.
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The home care my parent and I had were Awesome!
Highly recommend using a home care helper from a trusted source.
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Put up some cloud cams in a few rooms and you can watch and listen to what’s going on while you are gone.
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Angel1958 Oct 2019
Dizzerth:
I would like to know where you can get some cloud cams. you can leave me a message and hop that I see it.
Thanks
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In my state, my family and I contacted IOA , Institute on Aging , who interviewed my dad and asked us what we want the caregiver to do for my dad. They are bonded. and insured. I stay at home when the caregiver is here and I give him or her instructions on how to give my dad a shower. We have a shower chair and a shower mat with suction cups inside the shower floor along with grab bars inside and outside the shower door. May Almighty God continue to bless you each and every day. I am praying for you and your family.
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Have you considered having the caregiver come to bathe your MIL while you are home and then when you feel comfortable with them, leaving your home for increasing amounts of time? This option should allow everyone to adjust. Please be clear with the caregiver about her tasks and responsibilities and verify she is bonded and insured. Don't be afraid to ask for references. Hiring through an agency may be your best bet. The local hospital or your state department of aging are good sources for hiring caregivers. Good luck!
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My Papa lives alone, but he shouldn’t (stubborn old fart). He has an aide we all love, that comes in 4 days a week for 3 hours each shift. There have been one or two that could have been better, but one that we had to replace.

Just try one and see. Good aides are worth their weight in gold. It’s a very transitional market. Their pay is very low.
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I agree with others to "shop around" other agencies with less hours of required care to suit your LO's needs.  We went with an agency that had a 2-hr minimum.  I agree that you shouldn't leave them alone from the first day...but I am assuming that MIL is living in your house and you probably won't be going out every evening, your DH just wants the option of being able to, so you will probably be there to sort of shadow their work and get a feel of who the agency sends.  Keep in mind that in rare occasions you get the same Caregiver every time...some times they send several through the week. 

If by any reason you don't feel that they are a good fit, either with you and/or DH (because it is YOUR house) or with MIL, make sure you let the Agency know.  I lost count of how many emails I sent the agency about Caregivers that just were not a match!  Most of the time I would give a feedback email the first time, but if the behavior continued or we got new things that didn't work, that was it...scratched off the list of acceptable caregivers to be scheduled.  We lucked out with a few of them that were amazing and established a great relationship with my mother.  But some people take the job of caregiving without having the proper calling for it!  Or maybe is personality match problems.  You will go through a few before you find the right match.

Your house, your rules...some aids are used to just going to the clients house, not family members, and can get things confused as to what they can or should do.  Establish a clear care plan, cameras are your friend, locked doors if you will be leaving them alone are also a good idea.  Labels are also your friend...I had to separate and label snack bins so they stopped taking my son's school snacks! 

Best of luck!  And practice deep breathing...you may need it!
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I would not leave a stranger alone in my home and especially NOT with a vulnerable senior citizen without being present to oversee behaviors a few times. No way. You need to be there to monitor before putting trust in them. Also, you should be there to answer any questions. Hope you get 1 or 2 'regulars' to work for you that you can learn to trust. I've had household items stolen (with me there!) and who knows what would happen to my LO if I left them alone without 'vetting' them a few times to see what they are about. Also, lock away all banking information (letters, statements, checks, monies, etc) and other valuables (jewelry, etc.) Don't be naive. Be thorough and cautious. Good luck~
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I wouldn’t do it. You want to be there to make sure your MIL is properly cared for and you want to be there at least until you really get to know who it is that is in your home.
also the caregiver may have questions and/or you will need to give her information and guidance on the care.
I would not have anyone in the house unsupervised until I was absolutely sure that they were competent, treated your MIL the way she and you like and is trustworthy.
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Invisible Oct 2019
Agreed. Absolutely not. This is a very vulnerable adult.
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We used an aid for bathing but bathing and dressing Luz was all she could do. We did use a companion service so I could go out for supplies and food.
Four hour minimum for companion service. Companion helped with toilet issues and cleaning Luz after, either prepared foods or snacks, helped her eat when necessary. Other than reminder Luz to take meds on her own or inform me when she did not. The companion would keep the areas around Luz clean and organized.
The bath aid would be here for about an hour and was paid for by medicare. That is the was it was requested and scheduled by rehab upon release from rehab.
The only thing we needed an aids medical assistance on was applying the wound cream after the bath. The visiting nurse did the eval on the wound.
Leaving her alone with the companion did take some getting used to and I did worry the entire time I was out of the house.
All in all this worked for us. I hope you find the assistance you need but shop around and ask questions.
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Have Aide come in morning like 9am - 1pm to wash & dress her ...maybe bed bath is more practical if there’s mobility issues. Have breakfast prepared & just have Aide re heat ...or put cold cereal in bowl & all Aide has to do is add milk (& berries?) ....Even have clothes picked out for her & Aide can put them on her. Write any instructions or reminders on paper as well as verbally tell Aide what you want done. Morning will be better for mother instead of evening...if there’s any dementia, sundowning avoided. Be there first time if Aide is new to introduce her to mother. Then when everything set up, you & hubby can go out to diner or something for brunch. But don’t get someone in that your mother never saw before & you’re not there & Aide can get overwhelmed & frustrated & want to leave & not want to come back if your mother gets agitated. Hang around for first time for at least an hour to see how Aide interacts w mother. Good luck! Hugs 🤗
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Agencies in my area are all four hour blocks with 8 hour per week minimum.
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anonymous839718 Oct 2019
RobinR, It was expensive. My husband’s insurance paid some on his. Parents LTC policy paid theirs, but a hefty copay.
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Licensed agencies should be reliable to provide the needed care. My MIL had round the clock care for several months until she got a live in, full time caregiver. We live in Florida and she lives in Hawaii (per her choice). Her care providers were polite, thorough and competent. She only had 3 women help her when she had rotating home health aides. We never had a problem.

Since you are concerned about new people in your home that will be "unsupervised". Consider having a trial period for each of the caregiving members. Stay home and observe their care of your MIL. They should provide the hands-on care in a way that preserves MIL's dignity and with gentleness. The care should be thorough. They should speak respectfully to her and you. They should engage in polite conversation with MIL and never talk about their own troubles or ask for money. As for their evening period, I suggest they come early enough to provide all the necessary evening care (should be at least 1 hour's worth) and stay until she is asleep, longer if she tends to get up at night or has problems settling. You need to decide with your hubby if you want caregivers to cook and feed her dinner... with or without you present.

As you come to know these folks, go out for short periods and arrive home "unannounced". You'll see if the caregiving is consistent, whether you are there or not. As your comfort improves by seeing consistency, you may feel more comfortable to regain your usual evening schedule with your husband - including evenings out.
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If you get home health care from recognized agencies, you can rely on them to be in your house alone with mom. They are trained for patient care and their duties are specific and they are supervised closely. When you sign up for home care the supervisor, who is an RN, will come to you and interview you for your needs, including patient care and integrating with your own time out requirements. If you are looking for help with bathing, these Aides are excellent in this service, and not only that but they are experienced and notice things like skin sores that need prompt treatment. My wife and I have had this service for about two years, from first call for one morning a week - wake up, bathe, dress, feed breakfast - which expanded to daily service as my wife's illness progressed, and also to two other times during the day for changing of diapers. Maybe MIL does not need this yet, but the service is there. If all you want is coverage for an evening out, you might find other services more affordable since they would only be adult sitters. Unless you need more than bathing, like medication, wound care or therapy, service in 4 hour segments seems excessive. For bathing you should not need more than 2 hours, I should think.
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If you have only contacted one place, I would suggest calling around to other places. The one we hired had NO weekly minimum, only a one hour/day minimum. There was no bathing or other real "work" to be done, just a sanity check (she lived alone) and ensure meds were taken (they can't dispense meds, but can look at the dispenser we had set up and point out her meds if they were not taken that day.)

There has to be more than one agency around - check the others. IF this is standard for your area, then I would do as others suggested - get used to the person before leaving them alone with MIL and trust your inner instincts. If they seem competent and productive, then start slowly with going out and see how it goes.

Having wi-fi cameras installed is useful, so you can monitor things when you are not there. If the care-giver(s) are aware of them, they might be more apt to be useful...

Since their weekly minimum is 8 hours, with 4hr blocks, 2/week would give you some "respite", which isn't a bad thing - just observe for a while and when you feel more comfortable with them being there, then go out.
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If makes you nervous then why add to your problems and concerns. Can you look into adult day care, not for the bathing but for your own respite time?
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I used an agency with my parents and with my husband. All three got excellent care and there were no problems in my home. The agency provided copies of their licensing and also their bonding. All had complete background checks. No problems with them not showing up or being late.
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Do your research on the agency. A good one will establish a relationship with you to relieve your concerns and they will be flexible on minimum hours requirements. You may pay a couple bucks more per hour, but it will be well worth it!
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If you currently have a computer as well as smart phones, the camera suggestion should work for you. Given the advancement of the technology there are many affordable choices.
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Four hours????? For a bath????

Hooey. Go to a different agency.

Are you in a terribly remote location so that the aides would have to drive miles and miles to get to you or something, though?

But in any case - don't scoot out of the door the second the aide turns up! Give the relationship a little while to develop, then go out for short periods, before you leave them to cope on their own.
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Arlyle Oct 2019
According to agency rep who did the intake they wouldn't be able to hire someone for less than a 4 hour shift. She says they will cook for her if needed and clean her room and bathroom. Do her laundry too.
We just have to try it out and see how it goes I guess.
Thanks.
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We had one for my father, she was delightful, caring, and very professional. This is what they do all day...go out, and do what you have to do, she will be in good hands.
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careinhome Oct 2019
Sorry, that's not always true. Wish it were but it's not. Show a lot of caution before you trust a family member with a stranger, even a vetted one.
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I hope you find a good match. Trial period, supervision, cameras, all excellent suggestions. My recent attempt to hire just small amount of assistance for myself, post-op has been mixed. The first gal has her own home health business, but she really was wanting to sit and be a companion, not wanting to do much in the way of a small amount of very light housekeeping. Lasted two weeks. Then I found a local gal to stop by an hour after her job, which turned into her giving me twenty minutes each day, billing out at an hour each day. What part of work do they not understand.....
I cut the second one loose, as she’s doing almost nothing anyhow, and I’m over the hump, getting stronger, now that the post-op complications have been handled.
If for no other reason, go through an agency, to protect yourselves legally.
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