You are not obligated at all, but you can help if you want to do so.
If the neighbor's needs are more than you want to take on, you might help him or her set up home health care. If he or she is resistant, notify Senior Services or the person's own doctor, if you know who that is, to alert them that a senior needs help.
I help out my elderly neighbor as a younger person helps out my elderly mom in her neighborhood. There is of course no obligation, but it is nice to do, of course as others have said as long as you do not let yourself get taken advantage of.
I help out my elderly neighbor as a younger person helps out my elderly mom in her neighborhood. There is of course no obligation, but it is nice to do, of course as others have said as long as you do not let yourself get taken advantage of.
JIm280243: You do not need to be involved at all in a neighbor's care. However, there may be more to your question. I think some of us may have a difficult time saying "No, I cannot take on that task/chore/etc."
I had a neighbor who's son lived across town. His son asked me to keep an eye on him and let him know of any problems.
To begin with, it was easy. He was about 40 years older than I and had worked making parts for the early space program. We had many enlightening conversations . His wife had dies years ago and he was lonely.
Everything was o.k. until his kerosene furnace died and was replaced with a heat pump. At the same time the thermostat had to be replaced.
The first problem, the numbers in on the thermostat were to small and he could not read them. Then the new heat pump was very quiet and the old furnace made a loud "bump" when it came on. When the older gentleman did not hear the heat come on, he thought he was cold and would call me to turn the heat up.
Then the calls started coming at 2, 3 , or 4 in the morning. Once each night. Then he would call and say he was cold with thermostat set at 95. Since he did not hear the furnace come on, he thought it was not working, thus the higher temps.
The calls started coming 2 to 5 times each night. I call his son and told him I needed help. He came over and talked to his dad, wrote some bigger numbers on the wall so his dad could see them and left.
Throughout the years that I knew tis man, he was often talking about suicide. Then one morning he came over, knocked on the door and said: "Todays the day, I've got my gun ready and I'm going to do it today." By no, he was in his early 90's
I call his son and he "was busy" at work and for me to just "deal with his dad." I called the police, The neighbor came out after them, threatening to hit them with his cane, He tried to fight them off with his hands. They were very gentle with him and had rescue come to help and possible transport him. I told the police where the pistol was usually kept. It was not there. They searched the home for about an hour till they found it, locked and loaded, ready to kill himself.
The Sargent on scene said the old man would have been dead had I not called them. The police had called the son on arrival and he arrived after the ambulance left with his dad. After he talked to the police, he came over and yelled "Look what you've done to my dad, If you had left him alone, he would not be on the way to the hospital. " from that point on, he would never speak to me again.
Later after his father had died from natural causes, he "forgot" about our agreement that I would know if and when the home would be for sale and I would have the first right of refusal.
I did what needed to be done when it needed to be done. Because of that, I lost 2 friends.
YOu don't at all, but my guess is you are a caring neighbor so don't want to abandon the person. Neighbors can be meddling pains in the you know what, or a godsend. I have seen both in the last months, living here with my elder parents. It was me who had the health crisis (typically fatal dissection of the aorta). Neighbors kept an eye out and even once or twice brought dinners to the folks when I was in the hospital. Friends I anticipated would be there for me, were not so I was especially touched by the care and concern of the neighbors. One of whom surprised with a generous gift certificate for a restaurant delivery service when I came home and was still weak and had little stamina. Then we have the others who email me with details in re to the COVID vaccine, encouraging it without knowing my parents medical history who I want to really let have it! My guess is you take a deep breath and decide what YOUR limitations (energy and time wise) are and go from there. I would see what local resources are available and link your neighbor up with those. Try calling city hall or your local area agency on aging or United Way (211?) for resources. Even your local fire dept non emergency number (knox box?) It's great to care, but do not set yourself up for burn out and hurting your own health and well-being. Any way you can connect with this person's relatives, next of kin??
I've been anywhere from 'not involved at all' to 'there for every drama involved'. It really depends on the neighbor and the needs they have and your basic desire to be involved or not. It takes time to figure out what kind of neighbor they are.
My young next door neighbor has an abusive DH who finally moved out a year ago and she is now going through an ugly divorce. She NEEDS a calm voice of reason, and I can be that. Actually her, DH has set up listening devices all over the house, so she can't even have a conversation that isn't being recorded. She knows she can come to my house and cry and vent and I'm just going to listen. I AM NOT involved in the divorce.
I've had neighbors who wanted to come over and chat all day long--and I have stuff to do. I've had to be tough with them and say "If the front door is closed, don't even knock. I won't answer'. It seems rude, but it worked.
When I was treating cancer and so, so sick, my next door neighbor and dear friend just brought over dinner 3-5 times a week. She is the best cook and the most angelic person on earth. Since I had no energy and certainly no desire to cook, she kept me fed. Over 100 dinners, and each was wonderful and the love behind them---she literally kept me alive.
It can take years to figure out how to treat a neighbor. I tend to let them set the pace. They move in, I take a treat and my contact info on a 3x5 card and let them know I'm here, if they need anything. Then the ball is in their court.
And yes, I have been abused by people who think that if you clean their bathroom once, you're going to come do it 5 times a week.
I try to get to know all the 'kids' as I feel like we all need to keep an eye on them, and I'll accept packages for someone else.
Every case is different and it's a 'tread lightly' situation. I'd never, ever say "never get involved"..we need each other!
Morning, Jim! I had a neighbor who started out slow. She would get me over for a ride to our bookclub. Or to the store. Then to repack a box she wanted to return. Then to return the box. Then one day, it was immediate care. She wasn't really sick, just a slight cold. It could have waited. She could have taken herself--she was still a good driver. She could have called her daughter. But when she said "immediate care" I thought it was an emergency. I had a doctor's appointment myself that morning, and I postponed it, though it had been in place a while. While we were sitting in the waiting room at IC (we waited an hour), her daughter called and I heard this woman say, "No, it's okay. I didn't want to bother you. Essie doesn't mind taking me."!!!
I think watching out for neighbors can be a very good thing. One time we had a senior neighbor we used to chat with. She was single and relied on a group of caregivers. Her POA had a wife with medical problems so he didn’t always check on her with any frequency. We began to notice one caregiver who literally moved in. Then she brought her son and his girlfriend to live there. We were first responders on her panic button but it was hard to know what to do. One night, the neighbor was alone and pushed her panic button. This allowed us to see, first hand that she was being isolated and abused. She had been confined to her bedroom, left in filth, and her Mail was being screened. We called Adult Protective services immediately and they responded quickly and appropriately. This isn’t the same as doing daily chores, but neighbors who care can really make a difference.
Be cautious also that this isn't a slippery slope. My nice elderly neighbor went from hello to requests to shovel to requests to get groceries when we went to the store to requests for rides - before we new it we were at beck and call.
He was hurt and angry when we said we could no longer help him. He didn't want to pay for services and requesting senior services - he would have to admit he was losing his independence.
whoa yeah. I am giggling because this has happened in my current circumstances living with my elder parents....I am perfectionistic and as my mother never stood up for herself, she was dad's servant, there for his every demand/need, keeping the house tidy and cooking, cleaning, laundering etc. Mom has dementia and so with her failing to do what she did, I slid into the role and it has taken its toll with no one else to help. Oh, I was at the point for getting some cleaning help lined up...and then COVID hit...and not wanting to expose ANY of us, I figured dust never killed anyone. I wound up critically ill as in almost died....and I have scaled way back. In fact last night I finally got fed up and left Dad a note that began "I am NOT your MAID" and advised him if he couldn't use the microwave without making a mess, then DON'T use it. I had burned all my energy running grocery errands etc and when I came home I had to put all of it away, hiding things from my demented mother which takes so much energy. When I opened the microwave food debris was spewed on the door and the paper towel on the plate was soaking and the ceiling was messy as well. My father thinks he is very independent and self-sufficient but he would not be if not for me or prior my mother. To protect my own health and well-being I am scaling back. Actually told him to make his own MD appt (he is deaf but has a captel phone). Good luck.
Don't start something you are not prepared to continue indefinitely. If your neighbor is in an unsafe situation call adult protection services, immediately.
As with anything else, you have to set boundaries. Robert Frost wrote "good fences make good neighbors" for a reason. Offering to grab a loaf of bread from the store before an impending snowstorm is ok, as long as the neighbors don't take that offer to mean you are now their brand new "instacart" service, if you catch my drift. If you get too deeply involved, you might be in for more than you bargained for. Remember the old Chinese proverb "if you save a life you become responsible for it." If you feel like you are getting dragged in too deep, it's time to take a step back.
You remind me of a friend's tale. She has a kind heart & helped an elderly neighbour when she dropped her groceries in the hall. Took them inside. Saw how hard it was for her neighbour to carry things home, especially the heavy items. So friend offered to bring back milk or a few items on her own shopping days. Says just call me.
One month later... Ring ring. A long shopping list is replayed over the phone. "I'd like this brand, this size & today would be better for me than Thursday".
Fast forward 2 months... Ring ring "if you are heading to the shops I'd like choc chip cookies". Ring ring "I'd like some more biscuits please". Ring ring "the biscuits are empty again".
Well that was a learning curve! Easy to offer, easy to be sucked in, harder to get out of. But she did. Asked for the next of kin number (for emergencies) called & gave notice as shopping helper.
When it comes to elder care, it can get complicated really fast. What kind of coverage they have, what they qualify for, managing the finances, are they incontinent, are they bed bound, do meds need managed? I am not sure what kind of care you're referring to. If your neighbor requires more than a ride to the grocery or snow shoveled off of their sidewalk, it is best to let them ask their family for assistance.
When I moved to Ohio I asked God to find something for me to do that would help others. Be careful what you ask for. LOL. I ended up being the local uber driver for four friends of mine. Took them to appointments and stuff. Turns out I loved doing it. I never asked but they would pay for gas or take me out for lunch and stuff like that. One has died, one has gone blind and I still help when I can but not any where near as much, Another has visual problems but I never saw anyone so independent. If I or my friend can't take her she'll Uber, take a taxi, ride her bike walk, or a bus. She always gives me gas money, gives me ukulele lessons, buys me stuff and just a wonderful person all around. I keep telling her she doesn't need to give me gas money as her companionship is more than enough. I REALLY like being around her. I even got to take her (before the virus) to ukulele gigs (she's a professional singer) that she was doing at a memory care place). What fun getting to hear her sing and play. So sometimes you get back ten fold what you give out. I feel needed and they get the help they need and I've made some great friends.... Help when you can, give a gentle no when you can't.
You don't - they are a neighbour and an adult not a child you are responsible for, you have no responsibilities for their care. Having said which if you noticed ongoing actions by another person, or evidence of falls or other problems then not reporting it would to my mind be morally irresponsible, but that is where your responsibility ends.
The order I use to guide my life is G-d first, family second, work third, next come friends, and then everything else. But if I'm not taking care of myself - and I don't mean a day or two but rather when neglect becomes a habit - I'm of no service to anyone.
You have no obligation whatsoever to be involved in a neighbors care! I had a total hip replacement in 2017 and none of my neighbors even knew It! My next door neighbor had one last week and I found out by accident because her daughter is here from out of town taking care of her for a week. People keep to themselves more these days, which is good and bad.
Till the day I die I will have tears in my eyes recalling the unexpected kindness of our neighbors when I came home after emergency surgery and rehab for a dissected aorta which is usually fatal. The usual activities of daily living took SO much energy that you can't imagine it unless you have experienced it. Just getting the most simple of foods together...the energy expenditure...I'm sorry no one knew about your situation as you may have been surprised as well...
"Need"? Not at all, but only what you feel comfortable doing. I totally agree with others whose experience was that their helping delayed the inevitable and gave the illusion that the elder neighbor was living independently when they absolutely were not. This robs the elder's family or PoA of the opportunity to know when it is time to review the situation.
In the cases of my inlaws, who lived 6 miles from me, AND my Aunties in FL who live 1600 miles away, I engaged their neighbors to be eyes and ears for me but only on a very limited basis. I ordered a daily paper for my inlaws and had it delivered to their neighbor's house. The neighbor would then have an excuse to ring the doorbell to give them the paper and get a sense of how they were doing. The neighbor got to read the paper first and I thanked them with gc's. For my aunts in FL I asked the neighbors to offer to drive them to a few appointments after I moved to have their driving privileges ended, to lessen the loss. Also to help me know what their "real" situation was. I was super grateful for their willingness to help but the aim was never to foist any ongoing responsibility onto them. That would have been a form of "assuming" someone into caregiving. It would be immoral and unethical.
Truly the best way to help if asked is to offer to alert the family to any changes noticed in their routine or to an emergency situation. Bless you for your concern and the wisdom to ask for other people's perspectives.
There is no ‘one size fits all’ answer on this question.
It truly depends on the neighbor and their needs.
I have had fabulous neighbors that were more like family than neighbors.
I’ve had neighbors that were crazy!
One of my neighbors was always asking to borrow something.
Fine, but I was very annoyed when she borrowed my vacuum.
She thought she vacuumed up her earrings, then asked me to go through the vacuum bag to find her earrings!
I am severely allergic to dust! I told her, “Absolutely not!”
I gave her the bag and told her to look for her earrings.
Another time she borrowed eggs, came back for sugar, then vanilla, etc. I finally asked her if she wanted me to bake the cake for her! LOL After that, anything she asked for I said I was out of. Hahaha 🤣
My parents helped the woman next door until she died. She was a lovely woman.
Even after I was married with children I always asked this woman if she wanted food from her favorite restaurants when we were ordering takeout.
She showed her appreciation by giving my girls cookies. They loved her!
NHWM, what you said about the vacuum reminded me of something my mother told me. When I visited my grandparents, there was a heavy old black oscillating fan on the refrigerator which was helpful in the summer (as there was no AC). That fan, which might be 80 years old (or older) for all I know, is one of the few things I've kept from that house because of the memories and, of course, it's an antique. However, my mother said that soon after her parents bought it, various neighbors borrowed it so much that my grandparents didn't get much use out of it until many years later. ("So and so is sick and it's SO hot in her room--won't you let us borrow your fan?") I guess they got it back in the autumn and had full use of it until spring! I believe some of the people were rather poor and perhaps couldn't afford one of their own, but maybe some of the others simply didn't make getting their own a priority!
Its really a shame. We are taught to help each other. I have had it too, volunteered to help GFs Mom, no problem there. But then GFs husband had to go back to work to pay her medical bills. So DH volunteered to drive her special Van to get Lab tests done and appts. Then her 20 something daughter has health problems and we are taking her. Then oldest daughter, in her 30s, comes home and may need rides to doctors. Thats when I put my foot down. This daughter had problems, her Mom was going with her to see if daughter was telling her the truth. I told my DH he could take them this once but he needed to make it clear that we would not be driving T to doctor appts. She had friends in town that can do that for her or find doctors that she can take a taxi to. I did not want to get involved in the drama.
We are taught to help but I think many of us, myself included, were not taught to say no. Or how to know when it’s time to say no. Clearly my mother wasn’t taught which why she ended up in the situation she did with her neighbor. And I learned from her and now I don’t know when to say no LOL!
My parents got roped in to it and it wasn’t a pleasant situation. They had elderly neighbors and the husband died of cancer in his early 80s. The wife was ok for a few years. It started with my dad putting her trash cans away and spiraled in to my mom driving her everywhere she needed to go-to the grocery store, to the bank. This neighbor had at least 2 daughters, one who lived in the area and one who lived 3 hours away. The one who lived nearby had a son in his 20s and they were both drug addicts. The daughter constantly went to her mom for money. Mom I think had cognitive decline and gave the daughter whatever she asked for. What ended up happening was, she was giving her daughter money and not paying attention to her finances so every month the checks for her bill would bounce and she wasn’t allowed to pay by check anymore, she had to pay cash so my mom would have to drive her around to pay her utilities. She fell behind in her bills because of this. Somehow my mom ended up taking over the finances and got the neighbor caught up but this meant she had to deal with the drug addict daughter and grandson. And somehow my mom who can’t say no, started driving them around too! And the neighbor had hardly any money to live off off, my mom would go buy her groceries for the month and tell her how much money she had left. She’d give the money to her drug addict dr and then be confused when my mom told her she was out of money until next month! I don’t know the specifics but the other daughter was somewhat involved but basically sat back while my parents dealt with her mother who was almost 90! The AC went out one summer and the daughter didn’t do anything. My parents had to bring the neighbor to their house and arrange to get the AC repaired. The neighbor had stopped doing things for herself at that point, my mom paid her bills and bought her groceries and took her where she needed to go. My dad and brother were taking care of the house. And it got very ugly and scary when the drug addict daughter couldn’t milk any more money from her mom. She started calling my parents and threatening them!! Finally the neighbor got sick with pneumonia and went to a nursing home where she died within 2 years. Her house was sold. It was really not a good situation. My parents went in with good intentions, just trying to be good neighbors helping out an elderly neighbor and it quickly spiraled. APS was involved at one point, called by the bank and they were investigating the drug addict daughter for elder abuse. Don’t think anything came out it:
Need? I would say what you do is up to you, but would caution you about taking on too much. It is lovely to help getting the now larger garbage and recycle cans out and back in, to help with lawn trim up if you are able, to check if you suspect problems with a phone call. Some neighbors are so devoted, or BOTH so elderly that they make a.m. and p.m. calls to check on wellness. I think if someone is briefly unable it is good, if you are on way to store, to check by phone to see if there are things they can use. Remember, whatever you take on often ends up not only with little thanks (because of course you WANT to do it, right?) but ends up "expected". Can you give us more details of your current situation?
I have a different angle on this, because my sister - who recently passed away - relied on neighbors, and I want to tell you about that. My sister, at 84, lived alone in an apartment flat that was in a group of about 6 attached one story apartments that individually opened to the outdoors (meaning it wasn't an apt. building). She had no family living in her town. A brother and sister (me) lived in the same state, and visited her often. She had it all set up after her injury that the next door neighbor would grocery shop, another drove her to appointments, another called her every day just to check on her. This went on for a year. To me, these people were saints. Brother and I suggested over and over that it was time for her to move to assisted living, but she wouldn't budge. Finally, she broker her sacrum, became immobile, and long story short, she died a couple weeks ago. My brother and I were always involved in this, but not on a daily basis. Though those people were absolute saints for helping her, I believe if they hadn't been so helpful she would have agreed to move to a better environment for her age and health needs and would possibly have lived a bit longer and not in the pain that came with her injury, nor the unhealthy condition of her body and home that she did not take care of properly.
Yes they were Saints but was it fair to expect her neighbors to continue to do for her if she had the money to go into an AL. Many people find it hard to say, I don't want to do this anymore.
I think most of us were taught God comes first, others and then us. The problem is, when do you draw the line helping others. I have been on this forum for at least 4 years and I feel the majority of us has never been taught how to draw the line. And people take advantage. And when u try to back out they get hurt or get passive-aggressive. So I have gotten to the point I don't volunteer. I point someone in the right direction.
Neighbors, you need to figure how much ur willing to do. I would ask what specifically do you feel this neighbor needs help with or what have you been doing for them. If there is family, they should be notified of any needs this neighbor needs. If not, maybe resources should be found for them. Really need more info.
I had this situation years ago. My elderly next door neighbor was blind, living alone and managing okay. She asked if occasionally my young daughters could come over to help her knit, because she could no longer see dropped stitches. They had a wonderful time doing this.
Eventually she fell, broke her pelvis and insisted on coming home ofter hospitalization. Her eldest daughter called and asked if we could take over "keeping an eye on her" and offered, after I politely refused, to pay for the help. Her mom needed grocercy shopping, doc appointments and day to day case management. I gave a firm no.
None. Neighbors are tricky because they live close and can end up being a huge burden. What is going on with your neighbor that brought you to this forum and ask your question?
Theoretically NONE BUT Be cautious. this could suck the life out of you. You see how difficult it is for family to care for a family member it is even more so if the person is not related. UNLESS you are a paid caregiver. What you might see as a "need" family may see you as an interloper. What you might see as "neglect" might be the base care the family can give. You give no details in your profile as to why you think this person needs care, or why they need your care. If you want to be "neighborly" you can shovel the walk, bring the mail to the door, offer to go shopping. If you are concerned and you know the family you can bring your concerns to their attention. If the concerns are of safety and they go unheeded you can contact APS. If there are other concerns there is always the Police, Fire Department, code Enforcement if the concerns are about the building, Do what you feel right doing but be prepared to step back. If it gets to be more than you can handle then you can call whatever department you think appropriate BUT do not let this consume you. An hour or two once a week can turn into 8 hours every day before you know it.
If you shovel the walk and she then has a fall you could be sued for negligence or causing an accident - this is one where common sense seems to be second to litigation, I would be very careful about helping in this way.
What did you neighbours need help with? Erasing the scene of a crime?
Moving a body? Are you now hiding in witness protection?
Come back to your thread if you can.
If the neighbor's needs are more than you want to take on, you might help him or her set up home health care. If he or she is resistant, notify Senior Services or the person's own doctor, if you know who that is, to alert them that a senior needs help.
To begin with, it was easy. He was about 40 years older than I and had worked making parts for the early space program. We had many enlightening conversations . His wife had dies years ago and he was lonely.
Everything was o.k. until his kerosene furnace died and was replaced with a heat pump. At the same time the thermostat had to be replaced.
The first problem, the numbers in on the thermostat were to small and he could not read them. Then the new heat pump was very quiet and the old furnace made a loud "bump" when it came on. When the older gentleman did not hear the heat come on, he thought he was cold and would call me to turn the heat up.
Then the calls started coming at 2, 3 , or 4 in the morning. Once each night. Then he would call and say he was cold with thermostat set at 95. Since he did not hear the furnace come on, he thought it was not working, thus the higher temps.
The calls started coming 2 to 5 times each night. I call his son and told him I needed help. He came over and talked to his dad, wrote some bigger numbers on the wall so his dad could see them and left.
Throughout the years that I knew tis man, he was often talking about suicide. Then one morning he came over, knocked on the door and said: "Todays the day, I've got my gun ready and I'm going to do it today." By no, he was in his early 90's
I call his son and he "was busy" at work and for me to just "deal with his dad." I called the police, The neighbor came out after them, threatening to hit them with his cane, He tried to fight them off with his hands. They were very gentle with him and had rescue come to help and possible transport him. I told the police where the pistol was usually kept. It was not there. They searched the home for about an hour till they found it, locked and loaded, ready to kill himself.
The Sargent on scene said the old man would have been dead had I not called them. The police had called the son on arrival and he arrived after the ambulance left with his dad. After he talked to the police, he came over and yelled "Look what you've done to my dad, If you had left him alone, he would not be on the way to the hospital. " from that point on, he would never speak to me again.
Later after his father had died from natural causes, he "forgot" about our agreement that I would know if and when the home would be for sale and I would have the first right of refusal.
I did what needed to be done when it needed to be done. Because of that, I lost 2 friends.
My guess is you take a deep breath and decide what YOUR limitations (energy and time wise) are and go from there. I would see what local resources are available and link your neighbor up with those. Try calling city hall or your local area agency on aging or United Way (211?) for resources. Even your local fire dept non emergency number (knox box?) It's great to care, but do not set yourself up for burn out and hurting your own health and well-being. Any way you can connect with this person's relatives, next of kin??
My young next door neighbor has an abusive DH who finally moved out a year ago and she is now going through an ugly divorce. She NEEDS a calm voice of reason, and I can be that. Actually her, DH has set up listening devices all over the house, so she can't even have a conversation that isn't being recorded. She knows she can come to my house and cry and vent and I'm just going to listen. I AM NOT involved in the divorce.
I've had neighbors who wanted to come over and chat all day long--and I have stuff to do. I've had to be tough with them and say "If the front door is closed, don't even knock. I won't answer'. It seems rude, but it worked.
When I was treating cancer and so, so sick, my next door neighbor and dear friend just brought over dinner 3-5 times a week. She is the best cook and the most angelic person on earth. Since I had no energy and certainly no desire to cook, she kept me fed. Over 100 dinners, and each was wonderful and the love behind them---she literally kept me alive.
It can take years to figure out how to treat a neighbor. I tend to let them set the pace. They move in, I take a treat and my contact info on a 3x5 card and let them know I'm here, if they need anything. Then the ball is in their court.
And yes, I have been abused by people who think that if you clean their bathroom once, you're going to come do it 5 times a week.
I try to get to know all the 'kids' as I feel like we all need to keep an eye on them, and I'll accept packages for someone else.
Every case is different and it's a 'tread lightly' situation. I'd never, ever say "never get involved"..we need each other!
I had a neighbor who started out slow. She would get me over for a ride to our bookclub. Or to the store. Then to repack a box she wanted to return. Then to return the box. Then one day, it was immediate care. She wasn't really sick, just a slight cold. It could have waited. She could have taken herself--she was still a good driver. She could have called her daughter. But when she said "immediate care" I thought it was an emergency. I had a doctor's appointment myself that morning, and I postponed it, though it had been in place a while. While we were sitting in the waiting room at IC (we waited an hour), her daughter called and I heard this woman say, "No, it's okay. I didn't want to bother you. Essie doesn't mind taking me."!!!
Be careful.
--Essie
He was hurt and angry when we said we could no longer help him. He didn't want to pay for services and requesting senior services - he would have to admit he was losing his independence.
If you get too deeply involved, you might be in for more than you bargained for. Remember the old Chinese proverb "if you save a life you become responsible for it." If you feel like you are getting dragged in too deep, it's time to take a step back.
One month later...
Ring ring. A long shopping list is replayed over the phone. "I'd like this brand, this size & today would be better for me than Thursday".
Fast forward 2 months...
Ring ring "if you are heading to the shops I'd like choc chip cookies".
Ring ring "I'd like some more biscuits please".
Ring ring "the biscuits are empty again".
Well that was a learning curve! Easy to offer, easy to be sucked in, harder to get out of. But she did. Asked for the next of kin number (for emergencies) called & gave notice as shopping helper.
If you are concerned about a neighbor's welfare, please call adult protective services or the police on their non-emergency phone number.
Having said which if you noticed ongoing actions by another person, or evidence of falls or other problems then not reporting it would to my mind be morally irresponsible, but that is where your responsibility ends.
In the cases of my inlaws, who lived 6 miles from me, AND my Aunties in FL who live 1600 miles away, I engaged their neighbors to be eyes and ears for me but only on a very limited basis. I ordered a daily paper for my inlaws and had it delivered to their neighbor's house. The neighbor would then have an excuse to ring the doorbell to give them the paper and get a sense of how they were doing. The neighbor got to read the paper first and I thanked them with gc's. For my aunts in FL I asked the neighbors to offer to drive them to a few appointments after I moved to have their driving privileges ended, to lessen the loss. Also to help me know what their "real" situation was. I was super grateful for their willingness to help but the aim was never to foist any ongoing responsibility onto them. That would have been a form of "assuming" someone into caregiving. It would be immoral and unethical.
Truly the best way to help if asked is to offer to alert the family to any changes noticed in their routine or to an emergency situation. Bless you for your concern and the wisdom to ask for other people's perspectives.
It truly depends on the neighbor and their needs.
I have had fabulous neighbors that were more like family than neighbors.
I’ve had neighbors that were crazy!
One of my neighbors was always asking to borrow something.
Fine, but I was very annoyed when she borrowed my vacuum.
She thought she vacuumed up her earrings, then asked me to go through the vacuum bag to find her earrings!
I am severely allergic to dust! I told her, “Absolutely not!”
I gave her the bag and told her to look for her earrings.
Another time she borrowed eggs, came back for sugar, then vanilla, etc. I finally asked her if she wanted me to bake the cake for her! LOL After that, anything she asked for I said I was out of. Hahaha 🤣
My parents helped the woman next door until she died. She was a lovely woman.
Even after I was married with children I always asked this woman if she wanted food from her favorite restaurants when we were ordering takeout.
She showed her appreciation by giving my girls cookies. They loved her!
And it got very ugly and scary when the drug addict daughter couldn’t milk any more money from her mom. She started calling my parents and threatening them!! Finally the neighbor got sick with pneumonia and went to a nursing home where she died within 2 years. Her house was sold. It was really not a good situation. My parents went in with good intentions, just trying to be good neighbors helping out an elderly neighbor and it quickly spiraled. APS was involved at one point, called by the bank and they were investigating the drug addict daughter for elder abuse. Don’t think anything came out it:
Remember, whatever you take on often ends up not only with little thanks (because of course you WANT to do it, right?) but ends up "expected".
Can you give us more details of your current situation?
The problem is, when do you draw the line helping others. I have been on this forum for at least 4 years and I feel the majority of us has never been taught how to draw the line. And people take advantage. And when u try to back out they get hurt or get passive-aggressive. So I have gotten to the point I don't volunteer. I point someone in the right direction.
Neighbors, you need to figure how much ur willing to do. I would ask what specifically do you feel this neighbor needs help with or what have you been doing for them. If there is family, they should be notified of any needs this neighbor needs. If not, maybe resources should be found for them. Really need more info.
Eventually she fell, broke her pelvis and insisted on coming home ofter hospitalization. Her eldest daughter called and asked if we could take over "keeping an eye on her" and offered, after I politely refused, to pay for the help. Her mom needed grocercy shopping, doc appointments and day to day case management. I gave a firm no.
BUT
Be cautious.
this could suck the life out of you.
You see how difficult it is for family to care for a family member it is even more so if the person is not related. UNLESS you are a paid caregiver.
What you might see as a "need" family may see you as an interloper.
What you might see as "neglect" might be the base care the family can give.
You give no details in your profile as to why you think this person needs care, or why they need your care.
If you want to be "neighborly" you can shovel the walk, bring the mail to the door, offer to go shopping.
If you are concerned and you know the family you can bring your concerns to their attention.
If the concerns are of safety and they go unheeded you can contact APS.
If there are other concerns there is always the Police, Fire Department, code Enforcement if the concerns are about the building,
Do what you feel right doing but be prepared to step back. If it gets to be more than you can handle then you can call whatever department you think appropriate BUT do not let this consume you. An hour or two once a week can turn into 8 hours every day before you know it.
The answer is NONE. Unless you are really good at boundaries it will end up being all or nothing.