I’m trying to help my grandma she’s 83 has dementia I’m her granddaughter and only family left

I have a small child I’m a stay at home mom I have no car right now and I live almost an hour from her

Grandma lives alone I have cameras all over her home recording 24/7 I can see them from my phone

My husband goes to see her when he can and tries to help

My grandma is stubborn, in excellent health, lives alone, Her mind is gone, can’t remember anything, hallucinations, seeing dead relatives forgetting they have died says we are stealing from her and so on.

I’ve been trying to get her to agree to help for years I am not in charge of her medically or anything.

After years she finally put me on one savings account and checking.

Most of her bills are automated. I have only been paying for pool service groceries and handyman services out of her checking. She did this because she knew she could no longer handle things but after she did she told everyone we are stealing from her and buying stuff for ourselves. Not true I have proof.

She refuses to see a lawyer, she did not do any estate planning. I don’t know anything about a will or her wishes or anything. She says to leave her alone it’s none of her business. Talking to her is like beating a dead horse

She has neighbors across the street that have stolen from her. I have checks written to them, they caused her to lose $8000 on a plumbing job, they park their cars in her driveway, just bad people.

I've told them to leave her alone. They won’t. I have them on camera. I’ve told them I’d have their cars towed. The wife called me a b*tch and so on they still park their cars. I can’t tow unless I’m present and I’m never able to make it over there.

The police can’t do much and adult protective didn’t seem interested.

These neighbors called adult protective on me trying to get me in trouble to get back at me for telling them to stay away. Adult protective knows nothing is wrong but I still have an open case because of my grandmas doctor not sending back a form that adult protective wants.

I finally made a doctors appointment with my grandmas doctor but this doctor is useless.

My grandma also refused to let me go back with her again I have nothing stating I have medical POA but my grandma signed a HIPAA form saying I could go back but again refused to let me I ended up talking to her doctor and got no where doctor said she needed an mri and blood work and a home health evaluation.

But nothing is physically wrong with my grandma so I doubt she would be approved for services and if she was it’s like what an hour 3x a week

I mean I give up.

I have called area of aging in Florida they admitted they have no funding or social workers and I could get her on a waiting list that could take up to a year to get her on a program

I’ve called other programs but she won’t qualify because they are Medicaid based she has Medicare and too much mone.y I’ve called and all they do is listen I’ve called local alz no call back, I mean I’ve hit dead end after dead end.

My grandma has money but if we pay for tons of care it will wipe her out her home is in bad shape that’s why I brought in a handy man.

Now I’m worried I’m going to get in trouble for doing repairs even though I’m joint on her accounts and can do whatever I want with the money technically.

I hired a companion and my grandma yelled at her and the lady called me and quit within an hour.

I hired my brother in law to go 3 times a week for 2-3 hours.

My grandma didn’t agree but hasn’t told me no. She seems to respond to guys better and likes my brother in law.

So I have to pay him now.

I don’t have money to get a lawyer I also don’t want guardianship

I really don’t want to be dealing with this at all I have no family left to help me.

My grandma can’t live with me she also has animals she won’t give up her dog is old and pees everywhere and bites. She had a parrot that bites and 1 cat.

She’s going through 17 cans of cat food in a few days for 1 cat stew dumping food down the toilets and running around at night in the street looking for my grandpa who died 4 yrs ago.

She refuses to sell her home or cars she can’t drive we would like her to sell and live closer or go to a home

Confused on Medicaid 5 yr look back she gave away money so we are screwed if she needs that ?!!!

She did not buy long term care insurance !

Please I can’t handle the stress what do I do. I don’t want to deal with this I don’t want adult protective on me when I’m just trying to help but I can’t force my grandma to do anything legally and people don’t get that

Help me please I’m crying and stressed everyday because of her when I should be worrying about my child.

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You need to call Adult Protective Services again. Your Grandma is at risk and they need to know that. If she’s wandering around alone at night, she could fall and injure herself or worse. Tell them that things have gotten worse since the original report was filed. If you know which doctor it was that didn’t send in the form, get on the phone to their office and insist they send it in NOW.

Grandma is beyond hiring an inexperienced person to look in on her. If she has a meltdown, she can be what is called Baker Acted to a mental health facility. They can be told there is no one at home to take care of her.

Unfortunately, you will need to have legal representation since there is no POA and probably no will. Call your local Legal Aid office for low cost or free legal help.
Helpful Answer (2)

I have already asked APS for help the case is still open on me
they didn’t offer any help said what u said to call if my grandma got crazy but she doesn’t and I’m not around to see it

legal aid will not help or even answer their phones
I don’t want poa I don’t want anything if it’s only going to cause me stress
even with poa I can’t force my grandma to do anything ?!
Helpful Answer (0)
Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Well then, Amy, if this is how you feel, then there isn’t much you can do but wash your hands of the entire situation. Tell your BIL if he wants to deal with Grandma, it’s up to him. But if she doesn’t like him, I don’t think that will happen. She chased away the hired caregiver, so that’s a done deal as well. She has no business living on her own, but short of having her Baker Acted to a mental health facility by force, there’s nothing you can do.

You said you don’t want guardianship and you don’t want POA. Without those, there isn’t much you can do on your own. Grandma won’t leave her home to live closer to you and she won’t go into a facility. Grandma’s money should go for her care and yes, it will “wipe her out”. If you are on accounts, you could pay for her care from her funds but she won’t go, so that’s a moot point. Grandma is probably beyond the point where she would be deemed competent to sign a POA anyway. The only possible way to have Grandma gonto a facility would be if she was 911-ed to the ER and whoever was with her, or if they called you, refused to let her go back home. But you have no rights to take care of Grandma's affairs, so even if she did go into a facility, her house would just sit there.

It’s easy for me to tell you to get on with your life and raising your child. But it sounds like you’ve exhausted all avenues open to you. I wish there was an answer, but right now, I don’t think there is.
Yea it’s a lhard t to deal with I’m paying brother in law out of her account of course
he just started last Friday
it’s the best I can do
she isn’t doing anything that would warrant a call to 911
so we feel stuck
i don’t even know if going to a lawyer would help at this point to protect herself and assets
Helpful Answer (0)

Was she ever a good grandmother to you? Was there ever a loving relationship? I can understand your confusion and reluctance given your other life circumstances such as having a child which is your primary concern. However either you have to choose to care or not to. If you can walk away giving how difficult she is perhaps you must. I am dealing with my 88 year old mother. There have been times I wanted to walk away but I simply know I can't. I am an only child. I have relatives who more or less no longer speak to me because I placed her in AL near me. After 5 years of this she actually told me after one of many complicated doctors appointments she realized why I had to be near her. I thought she might have figured that out already. I am only giving emotional advice. Perhaps you can heed others legal suggestions.
Helpful Answer (0)
Amyhern4984 Aug 2018
She was good when I was younger but as I got older she became more toxic I have put up with years of abuse from her
but I want to help her but she refuses to let me or tell me what she wants
everyone else is dead and gone
I mean I didn’t ask for this
I’d like to wash my hands but of course I want her to be ok
I mean I don’t know what people want me to do
I just want to be with my daughter and not be stressed out of a lady that doesn’t want our help

my husband is at her house right now he drove all the way there after he worked all day to buy her groceries and to make sure everything was ok
because she said she had no food which is a lie my brother in law spent three hours with her today as her companion
she told me she never saw him I can’t win !!!
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