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Hi all,


I am new here but I've been taking care of my mother for almost 2 years. She is a highly anxious retired nursing instructor and burn nurse. This pandemic has been really effecting her memory, especially with time loss. She is having panic attacks because she is now realizing that her memory is declining rapidly from a highly educated medical perspective.


She's lying to me about taking her medication and eating as well. I actually think she's lying to me to cover up for her memory loss. I've done all I can to reassure her, but I'm struggling with distracting her from the reality of her declining short-term memory problems.


Her biggest fear since she was a child is dying, and being sent to a home.


Any suggestions?


Kindly,


Elizabeth

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So sorry that this is happening to your mother and I send you prayers. Medcial professionals are very smart and as so, may go to some measure to attempt to hide what is happening to them.
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If your mother realizes that her memory is in decline, she may not want you to know about it for fear of going to a nursing home. She will lie or do anything to keep from going AND she sees a nursing home as the jumping off point and dying because we have all heard new nightmarish stories about nursing homes. My Dad told me that he had rather be dead than go to a nursing home. That gave him incentive to stay upright and and as self sufficient until he passed from congestive heart failure. He was in hospice house for a week before he passed to keep him comfortable. So he went out his own way. Your Mom has two struggles. No nursing home and she is not ready to leave this earth AND she has declining mental abilities. Just roll with it as best you can. Maybe a mild anti-anxiety and then Melatonin at bedtime. I know it is hard. You are a good daughter. Don’t let them “dope her up” too much at this stage or she will be more confused and will be a real handful. My Mom had dementia. Looking back, she was on too many meds. Hindsight.
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She is the Child now and you are the Mother.

Until i traded places with my mom psychologically, her decline did not stop; she was having /causing mini strokes--- by over medicating herself, she was causing all of her own issues--- and self destructing. (With the help of Doctors!)

I got tired of suffering , and watching it happen. I had to step up, and we fought alot, a battle of the Wills, but....
Now i have her on a tight schedule_ we eat together, and her pills were taken away by me_ to be distributed accordingly-- at first;
i give her --her morning meds;
and now i allow her 3 pain pills in her little pill box a day, to be taken at specific times. This works as a marker for me ___of her cognition.

If she gets any infections in her body, i know her cognition goes down, and vise versa, confusion rises up and l know its time for a round of antibiotics.

I dont allow the medical system to argue with me about it--anymore---- i know my moms health patterns--they dont-

--I go into the medical system-- very bitchy and impatient, at first, then i'll become more polite--as we all start to agree on my moms care...

Food is very important, at least toast for breakfast... lunch, snacking all day, juices..a light dinner...a relaxed life... and turn the tv --to a 'sweet tv station', my mom got scared about 'the Covid 19 news' , so i dont allow her to watch it anymore- because it raised her blood pressure... and we don't need that-BS

The side effects, or vitamin depletion, in all of her meds has to be examined by you- everytime she gets a new med.

I'm so tired of doctors and their BS, that i don't allow new medicines...they keep trying --but i say no. (And If i feel like i HAVE to agree--i just dont fill it, ---or i fill it, but then dump it in the trash on the way home)...

I have it down to 3 medicines, and shes stable--

Psychotropic drugs are the worst thing for seniors--- actual health--on the planet!

The list of nutrients they deplete is huge!!_and what they do to senior cognition!---almost like they are designed to kill seniors quickly-

The nusing home---(no more nursing homes!), Overdosed my mom on TRAZADONE- she almost died in the ICU---(The drs....deny.. deny...deny...no it's her heart...blah blah...blah...etc etc...more drugs needed...etc.etc..)
___________________
NO MORE!!!!!
I had to step in and
STOP --ALL!!!
____________________

Absolutely No Psychotropic drugs...i put them all on her Allergens List ---just to play dirty-with the hospital system who tries to force them on everyone-

20 minutes of sun (vitamin d) goes a long way-

Dissolvable vitamins tastes yummy, and solve alot of issues...like crying, tearyness, muscle tension, anxiety etc...
(for you too, hugs@smiles..)

A good microwave heating pad can calm anxiousness at night, and help with sleep.
Melatonin dissolvables...good...

Basicly your parents become your children, and they need to be protected from the dirty medical system that wants to consume them.
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mally1 May 2020
I totally agree; my inlaws are nothing but cash cows to their doctors, and always totally compliant. They have even gone back to their regular provider after one in the hospital proved that my MIL's falling asleep constantly and general vagueness was caused by a particular drug combination. She became alert and quit falling asleep until 2 weeks after she got out of the hospital and went in for a check up. Her doctor put her back on the old drug, and she's back to dementia like symptoms and falling asleep as you're speaking to her - no one seems to care. Mom's not much better; doctors are like gods, and that's just how it is. (Daughters know nothing, of course LOL).
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Constantly reassuring her is not a longterm solution. Reorienting a person is a lot of work and it's draining. The more you do it, the more she will need it because dementia does not get better.

My FIL has severe anxiety and mild dementia. The more my husband tried to soothe his father the more he needed soothing. My husband couldn't take it anymore and was himself becoming severely depressed. I couldn't stand seeing my husband like that, and I found FIL a psychotherapist. My husband told his dad he couldn't give him the professional help he needed. It was a hard discussion but my FIL dumping all his anxiety and depression on my husband had to stop.

Given the pandemic, the National Alliance on Mental Illness and others have stepped up online and telephone support. Your mother needs professional mental health services. And if she has a physician whose doing telemedicine, make an appointment to get her medication for depression and anxiety.
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Other suggestions here are very good. I want to add though that it is possible she is not lying about her meds and food. She may think she did take the meds and eat. She may be very confused about what she's done and not done. In that case it is important that someone watches her, instead of simply reminding her or questioning her.
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Ask your mom to journal as a way of holding on to her memories in a form she can always read. It would also be a good tool for dealing with her anxiety.

I would also suggest that she create a scrapbook with pictures and stories to capture her memories about her life: parents, early childhood memories, time with your father, career... Also this is a good place to keep a list of favorites such as favorite flowers, favorite songs, snacks, any religious preferences... that can later be used in her care or in her memorial arrangements.

I agree that now is a good time to make sure all her legal, financial, and medical affairs are in order. Completing these tasks with her should help her feel a measure of control over her life.

SInce she has been a nurse and an instructor, talk with her about what would be ideal for caring for a person with cognitive issues. Maybe in discussing this prom her professional perspective can give you both hugs clues to her fears and her desires.

If her anxiety is getting in the way of her health, you may need to ask her doctor to prescribe a mild anti-anxiety agent to help her relax.
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OCbody- Welcome to the forum. I found this site a few years ago when I was so stressed out from taking care of my Alz. mother. It has been a life saver. The people here are great.

Your mother was always afraid to die all her life. Now that she is in her waning years, that fear is a near reality.

Does she have her affairs in order? A will, POA for health and finance, POLST, health advance directives. Having these things done now while she still has her mind and her memory is very important. That will at least put her mind and yours at ease as to what she wants done to/for her and her things when she can no longer speak for herself.

Regarding her fear of dying, do you think your mother would be open to some counseling to help her face her own mortality?

Regarding her fear of being sent to a home, what does she want to have happened when she can't take care of herself? Can she afford home care? From reading your profile, you mention that you are taking care of her. You may find that your mother will need more and more help and you may not be able to do it all by yourself. Many people on this site suffer from caregiving burnout, myself included. Will she be able to afford to pay for caregivers to come to the house?

My recommendation is do what you can to be prepared for what's coming her and your way.

I also recommend reading the book "Being Mortal." It's a good book.
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I'm sorry to hear what you and your mom are going through. I wonder if some of her confusion could be emotional.

My mother is 92 and has lived with me since last August and I have noticed a few things since the pandemic began. One - she is constantly saying she can't hear me. Could be that she can't in fact but most of her hearing loss is due to her brain not processing the sounds rather than amplification. When she's anxious or distracted her hearing suffers. So I believe having her aide wearing mask and gloves and the tv full of people in masks, along with not going to stores or restaurants or to have her nails done is the reason. Two - She sleeps late and for a while wouldn't get out of bed at all. When I ask what she thinks of the news she says she doesn't understand it. I tell her small bits about the pandemic but its tricky. I don't want to scare her but I imagine the fear about not knowing what's going on may be worse.
Three - her confusion has worsened and her anxiety and combativeness has increased. If I can keep my cool and I tell her over and over that this really is upsetting and there is a lot going on and its natural to feel confused under these circumstances it calms her down a bit. I really don't think she's in touch with how upset she is by the whole situation.
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Perhaps try to enjoy what you KNOW she still can understand at this time; music she enjoys, family photo albums, funny sitcoms you can watch together? I know you will get many good answers here, but I'm just suggesting to try to lighten things up when you can. Of course you know that with Alzheimer's/dementia there is no new learning, but you CAN enjoy what is still left of her reasoning, personality, and sense of humor. My heart goes out to you; I went through the whole Alzheimer's process with my Mother, who died nearly two years ago. She was a University English Professor.
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Read the questions on this site aloud to her and let her use her wisdom and training to answer.

Read the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande to help you and her prepare for the future.

Check out Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and see if you relate.

Read a bit about confabulation. It’s what sometimes happens when there are holes in the memory.
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ocbodywork May 2020
Very interesting! Thank you ill research tonight
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Thank you 🙏
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I'm also facing a similar issue. My grandmother's memory has significantly declined since this pandemic began, and she gets very anxious. Well, most if not all of us are probably feeling anxious these days, and our loved ones feed off the energy we give off. If we feel anxious, they sense that and begin to feel it as well. This is where taking care of our selves mentally and emotionally comes into play. We need to deal with this stress in a positive and proactive way with things like meditation, gardening, exercise (yoga is great for stress relief, it works wonders!) reading, art, anything that will relax you.

Although I am still learning on how to best deal with anxiety, one thing I have learned is distraction. Try to give her something to do that will distract her from whatever is on her mind. Somethings that I do with my grandmother: yesterday was nice weather, so we had breakfast on the beach (in our car). That relaxed her. Sometimes we play cards or games, and that helps take her mind off her troubles. The day before that, I did a load of laundry and she helps me fold it, that makes her feel useful. Or she'll help me "cook" by chopping/slicing veggies, or something that she can do sitting at the table. Also, arts and crafts (like coloring) might also be a good thing to try. My grandmother also enjoys doing word find puzzles. It's fun for her to do, and helps keep the mind intact a little.

When she gets into a panic, I take her hands, gently say "look at me" in a soft tone, and then say "take a deep breath" repeating as necessary. This usually helps bring her back to center.
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ocbodywork May 2020
Wonderful suggestions Kim! I’m happy to say we are doing some of these practices! I think being her daughter my mother can tell when I am using these techniques to distract her. Transparency is a gift and a struggle with family. She can tell when I am using these methods and gets angry 😤 with me for treating her “like a child “. Her medical knowledge is what I’m up against here!
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bumping up so others can see...

I will reply after I have time to think through my answer.
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ocbodywork May 2020
Looking forward to your reply
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