Need advice; What is the answer when there seems to be none?

Don’t say “yes”.
Say “This is not JUST about your father. It is also about you, and about me. You do not have professional training in geriatric care, and your father has multiple needs that cannot be met 24 hours a day by people who are untrained and have other responsibilities besides 24 hour a day care of a sick, elderly man.
No matter how much we love him, he needs more care than we are capable of providing.
I love you dearly, and it breaks my heart to see you so upset. If I were able to care for him while you are at work, I would volunteer gladly to do so. I am not able to manage him physically, and even if I was able to do all of his care routines, it would leave me no time to do all that I’m doing already (list here the activities in your typical day).
When you come home from work you are tired, and need to relax and unwind before you go to bed. If Dad needs to use the toilet during the night, someone will need to help him. Will you be comfortable waking up in the middle of the night to do that?
I know that discussion of this topic makes you VERY ANGRY, but although it is painful for me to say this, I am unable to agree to your decision about your father’s care, and if you insist upon bringing him here, I will be forced to prepare to take care of myself in the best way I can. I cannot assume a job that I know will be doomed to sorrow and failure for all parties concerned.
If we can discuss this without anger I am willing to see if together we can come up with some better solutions for all involved in this complicated problem. Once again, please understand that I love you and our marriage is important to me.
Hoping that we will be able to move forward together.......”p

What aggravates me is when a person thinks they can take care of an elderly parent with a TON of different health issues! Never mind stairs to climb, which isn't possible unless you install the seriously expensive lift you mention.

What about when he needs Depends, are you going to change him? What about bathing? Medication dispensing, 3 hot meals a day, entertainment, doctors, etc etc ETC. The list of their needs is never ending, in reality, and everyone is clueless until the parent moves in! Then they post the question about how to get the parent OUT of their home! My answer is always this: don't let him move in to begin with!! Let the professionals handle it.

And to have your DH NOT consult you on this matter is ridiculous! Tell him NO, that his father belongs in an Assisted Living Facility and you'd be happy to research ones in the area. Remember, you always 'have a choice' in any matter that involves a huge lifestyle change for you!! Use your voice.

GOOD LUCK!!

First off you need to grow a back bone. You seem to want an easy way out of this and there is no easy way. You are afraid your husband will get mad at you. So what? Better him mad at you then you giving up your life to care for his father. I agree with Barb...get a job, any job and be unavailable. No one can MAKE you do anything. You do have choices, they just might not be easy.

Hello HolliC: Reading your post, all I see is making a volatile family situation worse by adding an ill family member into the mix. In the best case scenarios, where a family is all on board, caring 24/7 for an ill elder is a life changing event. It appears that your home/ family would require modifications that would 1. Destroy your relationship with your spouse( assuming you are ok with how it’s been)2. Severely alter your relationship with your FIL and BIL. 3. Cause financial and emotional hardship on you and your spouse. 4. Cause you to lose ANY independence you currently have. 5. Involve you in to being legally responsible for arranging for your father’s care and well being in the future if things don’t work out as you could not just kick him out. That being said, I recommend a giant “NO” to allowing your FIL to move in to your home. If your spouse insists, or moves him in and you feel you cannot stop it, then you find ANYTHING to do to keep you away from the home so you do not turn into the automatic caregiver. You will need to stand strong and make changes to your life any way you look at it, so you may as well find hobbies, volunteer work or lots of old friends to visit, support groups to attend, etc., all day long. Pack yourself lunches/ dinner and treat it as a job but focus on you rather then on your FIL’ s needs. Make it your “job” with 8-9 working hours away from your house if you cannot find paying work. It isn’t ideal, but it will allow you to not get sucked into the negative cycle your spouse seems to be trying to create or add to. At least if you are physically away from the chaos which will be happening in your home, you will have things you can enjoy and look forward to for 8 hours a day. All the best to you.

Countrymouse is right. This is not the 1800’s when women were subservient to men and did as they were told. Do you realize that you would be doing the work of three around the clock shifts of caregivers, probably all by yourself? Unless your husband is retired, he will be gone at work all day and then “too tired” in the evening to care for his father.

You are not an indentured servant. Why let yourself be treated like one? Is your name on the deed/mortgage to your home?

If you allow your husband free reign to make all these plans for your future, accept his decisions and do not make your feelings known in the form of a firm refusal to be used as a free caregiver, then you must accept the future he has planned for you.

HolliC, your husband feels your BIL is a bully. But your husband's solution to this is to bully you into becoming your FIL's full time caregiver, unpaid.

What worries me most is your saying "I feel that I don't have a choice but to say yes." How come?

It is out of the question - it is irresponsible, risky, stupid - to move a person of your FIL's age and state of health into the home of people who have no idea what his medical and care needs are. That is what your husband is proposing. And you don't have a choice but to say yes?

Are you yourself in touch with your BIL?

You almost need a mediator between your hub and bro to draw up a plan going forward that would work for you all, but the dynamics seem to make that unlikely. Bil is bullying your hub, hub is bullying you, fil needs more care, bil doesn't want to do it anymore, your home is not suitable for caregiving fil. It seems to me that a facility would be the best option.

A assessment by an OT/PT would probably show that your home is not suitable for fil and that a number of changes would have to be made to make it suitable, if that is possible. Talk to your local agency for aging and also social services regarding your situation and also about an evaluation of your home for fil. If hub will not listen to you then write out your position and concerns as objectively as possible, and give it to him to read. Perhaps the cost of making your home suitable, if indeed that it possible, will wake hub up. In the meanwhile, look for work for yourself. I don't agree that over a certain age people will not hire you. I see seniors working in many places.

Meanwhile fil does need more help. This is a real concern too, but you do not have to be the one saddled with it.

FIL signing a HIPPA release does not take any power away from bro.

It sounds as if FIL would still be considered competent. As long as he understands "in the moment" what he is signing it would be valid. They are legally competent unless a determination is made by the court that they are not.

Yes, it means I'm not working and couldn't support myself. My friend says no one wants to hire you if you're over a certain age.

I've tried to get my husband to get on the list so he can talk directly to the doctors. He hasn't taken any steps toward that. It would take some power away from the brother. The brother does okay with care; he just doesn't want to do it. Brother is a bully to us for sure and that is why my husband needs to stand up to him. Brother doesn't say it to me or when I'm around or I would say something back. Would changing POA or any other legal papers be an issue if FIL has dementia or something related? He gets confused at times.

A friend suggested talking to an attorney for elder care. Not sure what that would get us. I think talking to a marriage counselor or someone else (maybe suggestions?) would be more helpful. But I doubt he would go to either.

Thank you for validating that this would be upsetting to someone in my position. No one in my world gets it.

Figure out what you need to live on, on your own. I assume that your marriage is of longstanding and that husband would be required to pay at least some alimony. See an attorney to ascertain what the divorce laws in your state look like, so that husband understands that he WILL be paying for you to live elsewhere.

For some people, money is the only thing that makes them pay attention.

It sounds to me like your husband can't stand up to anyone but you and your family. Call his bluff dear; stop being bullied.

What about another visit to FIL. Go to the doctor with him, have him sign a HIPPA release so you can call the doctors etc, yourselves. Would FIL consider changing POA? Is he satisfied with the way bro is handling things?

If you feel assistance from bro is not sufficient Adult Protective Services may be able to help.

No, you are not wrong to be so upset. It appears your husband is ready to make an important decision that very seriously affects you without consulting you. That is very upsetting,

I am not sure I understand what your comment about "I don't see how we could afford it financially for me to leave" means. Does this mean your hubby can't support himself and his dad, or does this mean you cannot support yourself? Or both? If your hubby can't manage without your income then he better be sure he gets your agreement on arrangements that affect you.

I see this a leverage that can be used to strongly encourage hubby to rethink his position. Honesty I don't see how you could tolerate it if hubby brings his dad into your home. You do have the choice to say," No" and I agree with Barb you need to be very forceful about it. It sounds like he is using anger to back you off, and that is bullying. Bullies need to be stood up to. His argument that he won't see professionals because they will only take your side tells me that he has has some sense that this is not a good idea but doesn't want to hear it. It almost sounds like a p*ssing contest between him and his bro.

I don't see how we could afford it financially for me to leave. I can see that I would have to do this and my only escape for part of the day would be to stay in an upstairs bedroom. Would my husband do that to me? I don't trust him not to and it is upsetting me to no end. I have no support either and no one that I can say that to. He's not going to read posts here either although it is a good suggestion and I have read some of them.

This is my husband's answer to dealing with the brother (more like not dealing with him). He let his brother get all up in our business like the brother telling me what to do, telling my children what to do, etc. The brother never acknowledged we had grandchildren until he decided they needed to visit. My husband stands up to me and my family but not his. He should never have let that brother get the upper hand. He won't even agree that he would need access to money if he brings his dad to our home. We would have to go and ask the brother for nickel and dimes and justify every cent. We would never spend his money on anything but his needs and we can't afford to use our money to take care of all of his needs like paying for a lift etc. Am I wrong to be so upset?

I would suggest he reads some of the posts on this site. Especially the one Adresses living with person who needs cared for 24 hours a day. Sounds like this is first reaction response. Based on emotions and a desire to help his dad. He needs to seriously think this through, and of course discuss this with you. It’s easier for his dad to go directly to assisted living, than to your house , and possibly them assisted living or a nursing home. Plus take it from me , it is so hard to deal with an elderly parent. Day in day out. I wouldn’t wish my life with my mother on anyone. Hope this helps

Ditto what BarbB says. Once your FIL moves in it will be much much harder to
negotiate anything. Good luck !

Does your husband understand that if he moves his dad into your home with no discussion, you will no longer be living there?

I hate to be blunt, but if your husband gives so little consideration to you, you need to be very forceful in the pushback.