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My FIL is getting to where he can't live alone. He has a son with POA who lives near him. We live in another state. BIL is a jerk. Won't answer questions when asked about FIL. FIL can't hear to call him. He uses a walker, has health problems, maybe some dementia - BIL won't tell us what neurologist said - they put him on some kind of medication. My husband wants to bring him to live with us. The first I heard of this was husband saying we could install a lift to get him upstairs. All bedrooms upstairs, powder room downstairs. No discussion on making a decision like this. Next time I hear about it, we are visiting FIL, he's angry with the brother and says I'm going to tell brother that I'm taking dad to live with me. My husband is not considering the how-to aspect and I can't bring it up without him getting angry at me. And no, he won't go talk to a professional - says they will "take my side". Who is going to provide care for FIL while my husband is at work? (That would be me but yet my husband doesn't see the need in discussing it with me? At this point, I feel that if I don't have a choice but to say yes.) How do we get him upstairs? He can't hear and has the TV on so loud that you can't stand it. He's cold and has heat turned up really high. I've had female friends in this situation and I know what they went through. What is the answer when there seems to be none?

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Does your husband understand that if he moves his dad into your home with no discussion, you will no longer be living there?

I hate to be blunt, but if your husband gives so little consideration to you, you need to be very forceful in the pushback.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Countrymouse is right. This is not the 1800’s when women were subservient to men and did as they were told. Do you realize that you would be doing the work of three around the clock shifts of caregivers, probably all by yourself? Unless your husband is retired, he will be gone at work all day and then “too tired” in the evening to care for his father.

You are not an indentured servant. Why let yourself be treated like one? Is your name on the deed/mortgage to your home?

If you allow your husband free reign to make all these plans for your future, accept his decisions and do not make your feelings known in the form of a firm refusal to be used as a free caregiver, then you must accept the future he has planned for you.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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First off you need to grow a back bone. You seem to want an easy way out of this and there is no easy way. You are afraid your husband will get mad at you. So what? Better him mad at you then you giving up your life to care for his father. I agree with Barb...get a job, any job and be unavailable. No one can MAKE you do anything. You do have choices, they just might not be easy.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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No, you are not wrong to be so upset. It appears your husband is ready to make an important decision that very seriously affects you without consulting you. That is very upsetting,

I am not sure I understand what your comment about "I don't see how we could afford it financially for me to leave" means. Does this mean your hubby can't support himself and his dad, or does this mean you cannot support yourself? Or both? If your hubby can't manage without your income then he better be sure he gets your agreement on arrangements that affect you.

I see this a leverage that can be used to strongly encourage hubby to rethink his position. Honesty I don't see how you could tolerate it if hubby brings his dad into your home. You do have the choice to say," No" and I agree with Barb you need to be very forceful about it. It sounds like he is using anger to back you off, and that is bullying. Bullies need to be stood up to. His argument that he won't see professionals because they will only take your side tells me that he has has some sense that this is not a good idea but doesn't want to hear it. It almost sounds like a p*ssing contest between him and his bro.
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Reply to golden23
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Figure out what you need to live on, on your own. I assume that your marriage is of longstanding and that husband would be required to pay at least some alimony. See an attorney to ascertain what the divorce laws in your state look like, so that husband understands that he WILL be paying for you to live elsewhere.

For some people, money is the only thing that makes them pay attention.

It sounds to me like your husband can't stand up to anyone but you and your family. Call his bluff dear; stop being bullied.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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HolliC, your husband feels your BIL is a bully. But your husband's solution to this is to bully you into becoming your FIL's full time caregiver, unpaid.

What worries me most is your saying "I feel that I don't have a choice but to say yes." How come?

It is out of the question - it is irresponsible, risky, stupid - to move a person of your FIL's age and state of health into the home of people who have no idea what his medical and care needs are. That is what your husband is proposing. And you don't have a choice but to say yes?

Are you yourself in touch with your BIL?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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What aggravates me is when a person thinks they can take care of an elderly parent with a TON of different health issues! Never mind stairs to climb, which isn't possible unless you install the seriously expensive lift you mention.

What about when he needs Depends, are you going to change him? What about bathing? Medication dispensing, 3 hot meals a day, entertainment, doctors, etc etc ETC. The list of their needs is never ending, in reality, and everyone is clueless until the parent moves in! Then they post the question about how to get the parent OUT of their home! My answer is always this: don't let him move in to begin with!! Let the professionals handle it.

And to have your DH NOT consult you on this matter is ridiculous! Tell him NO, that his father belongs in an Assisted Living Facility and you'd be happy to research ones in the area. Remember, you always 'have a choice' in any matter that involves a huge lifestyle change for you!! Use your voice.

GOOD LUCK!!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You almost need a mediator between your hub and bro to draw up a plan going forward that would work for you all, but the dynamics seem to make that unlikely. Bil is bullying your hub, hub is bullying you, fil needs more care, bil doesn't want to do it anymore, your home is not suitable for caregiving fil. It seems to me that a facility would be the best option.

A assessment by an OT/PT would probably show that your home is not suitable for fil and that a number of changes would have to be made to make it suitable, if that is possible. Talk to your local agency for aging and also social services regarding your situation and also about an evaluation of your home for fil. If hub will not listen to you then write out your position and concerns as objectively as possible, and give it to him to read. Perhaps the cost of making your home suitable, if indeed that it possible, will wake hub up. In the meanwhile, look for work for yourself. I don't agree that over a certain age people will not hire you. I see seniors working in many places.

Meanwhile fil does need more help. This is a real concern too, but you do not have to be the one saddled with it.
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Reply to golden23
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Ditto what BarbB says. Once your FIL moves in it will be much much harder to
negotiate anything. Good luck !
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Reply to bettina
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Although this is a logistics question that does not address the real issues here, the one physical item that would be essential if your FIL were to move there is the stair lift/stair glide. Separate from the large expense, often staircases cannot be fit with stair lifts/glides, and if they can, the person using it may have to step up a step to get on it. I had this situation when I installed a stair glide. Luckily I could step up, but I was not using any walking assistance. A company where you live should come to assess, at no charge, whether you can have a stair lift in your home, how much it would cost, and the difficulties in using it. Even if you can install a stair lift satisfactorily, I agree with the other writers that that is not the main issue, but rather your husband's bullying you. However, for the moment, you might want to let him know if even that part of his plan is even feasible.
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Reply to caroli1
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