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Good morning,
My whole family is (everyone in the family) going on a vacation to the beach very soon. We asked my mom if she would like to join us but she said no thank you. All because she refuses to leave her dog. She’s very stubborn. We told her she could bring the dog but she still won’t go.
See the problem she has a lot of chronic problems. She’s in chronic A-Fib with her heart, diabetic (takes insulin when she remembers) she was also diagnosed with Dementia. Her list of problems is very large. I can see that each day she’s getting weaker, her hands shake a lot and her walking is unstable at times. She has also fallen several times. She uses a cane but not indoors.
When we lost my dad we had her move in with us, so I am her main caregiver. I refused too have my parents go to any type of home bc I have worked in them and saw too much. So I am her main caregiver and my husband helps me too. I don’t get any other help from my family.
The reason I am feeling guilty is bc I don’t want to leave and something happen to her. I will be at least 9 + hours away. However I have a new grand baby and REALLY want to spend time with him. I also have been working full time on call on the weekends so I really feel like I need this break. I just feel so horrible about leaving her alone. I keep thinking about all the “ what if’s “ and it really doesn’t help bc I am a medical professional so I really do understand what could happen if she forgot’s to take her meds or falls or takes her insulin and doesn’t eat. There’s so many to text but I think you understand. BTW she won’t wear a medical alert to help with the falls. My husband is there most of the time except for when he has too work.
I really don’t have any one that could come over and check on her. Unless I can get Homecare but this would just make her mad and I am not sure I want anyone in here that I don’t know or trust with out me here to keep an eye on the person. I am stuck with all these thoughts in my head.
I know it sounds like I am being greedy but there’s been so much that has happened in my life in the past couple years. I have had a decline in my health. I have been diagnosed with a couple different chronic problems that are pretty serious but I get up every day and push through work and everything I have to do after work. So I really feel like this vacation will help me kind of put things into perspective for me while spending quality time with my family that I don’t see much.
I really need an outsider opinion on this. I really do appreciate ANY and ALL feedback bc I am tearing myself apart here.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Have a good day.

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Look - now is the time for you to live your life. If you don't do it now, you may not get another chance. These people have lived their lives and no one knows what will happen and when and how. Find good resources to be there while you are on vacation and provide emergency contact numbers. But for god's sake, go on vacation and enjoy yourself. You will eventually be destroyed if you don't do something for YOU now while you can. You MUST take care of YOU first.
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You must go on the vacay as you need to have a life. You need this respite. You need to find care for your mother. Start with the town's elder case worker. They should also have on staff a social worker. Prayers sent to you. My DH and I made the mistake of never taking a vacation "because what if something happened to mother." Very bad decision as now we've aged ourselves and are no longer as spry as we once were - thus no bike riding, et al.
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It sounds like you don't want to miss any of her suffering. Perhaps you could set up a video camera so you wouldn't miss any action. But, really, quit your whining and go on vacation. It's not like you are the only person in such a predicament. And besides, that is what 911 is for.
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Caringangel Jun 2019
I said in my post that I didn’t care what type of comments I received back from other people however yours is about as bad as your screen name. You have NO CLUE as to what I am dealing with, none. I am by no means “ whining “ as you put it, I stating facts. True facts
Have you ever thought about someone your very close too dying by themselves all alone with no one there for them. Until you have lived it, breathed it and grieved it you have no clue. So maybe I don’t want to feel this guilt about leaving my mother bc I have and don’t want her too pass away from a cardiac arrest or fall just get hurt while I am away or worse btw she’s not capable of picking up a phone to call 911. I am the one who has promised too take care of my mother. If you had the bond that a mother and daughter truly have you would understand. Your comment was quite rude if I don’t say so. If you can’t say anything worth while then don’t say anything at all. Most people really don’t appreciate ignorance when trying to get advice. Especially on caring for someone. Being a caregiver is extremely difficult especially when your sick yourself so to tell me I am whining you’re so very wrong. I would love for you to walk in my shoes for one day then you can tell me if I am what whining or not.
This is a thread that maybe you should think about posting on. The people on this thread need true help and guidance bc we are being pulled to our limits or maybe just vent. So please if you can’t give any type of advice someone can use please go somewhere else.
Thank you.
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I am in the same boat as you, except I live with and take care of my elderly grandma.
I’m planning a trip next month to see family. I have friends checking in on grandma daily and she’s no wiser to it.

Asking her if she’s taking her pills and if she needs anything from the store.
Also will bring goodies and dinner a few nights.

Maybe get neighbors or friends to check in on her and report back to you?
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Hi, my answer is going to sound harsh but I hope you hear me out.
I have been in a similar position, until I realized that my killing myself was being selfish actually. Maybe you feel guilty because you don't want people to judge you if something happens to your mom. And you don't want to remember how she got hurt when you were not there and she depended on you, yet she could have gotten hurt just the same if you would have been there. Meanwhile you are killing yourself and will soon be of no benefit to her anyway.
You wrote of various ways your mother refuses your requests to accommodate her for your ability to take this trip and she has refused. She refuses to wear an emergency alert device or take her dog with her. So even though 'she would hate it' to have a home care person while you go, she has made that decision herself by refusing your options. You must make arrangements for home care for her and go on the trip or you will totally burn out and worse, you will grow to resent her and how she has kept you from living your life. You will feel manipulated and unappreciated, and that is no way to spend the end years of her life with her.
Start calling reputable home care services now. We caregivers need a break now and then to stay well and helpful to our loved ones.
I wish you well.
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Question for you.
Is Mom on Hospice?
If so Medicare allows Respite for caregivers when the patient is on Hospice. Hospice will place her in an In Patient Unit so you know she will be well cared for by professionals. The number of days Medicare will cover is 7. They will also cover In Patient for symptom management and Pain management for as long as the "crisis" continues.
If she is not on Hospice if you think she would qualify make a call and have her evaluated.
If siblings will not step up then Respite can be paid for from her account.
Do NOT feel guilty.
You deserve a break and you will be better for it when you return.
Might something happen...yes would it be highly likely..probably not. How many weeks go by without anything major happening?
If your siblings step in ask them not to call you unless it is an emergency.
If you do get her in Respite through Hospice you can check in when you want and they will call if it is an emergency.

I have to tell a funny story. I place my Husband in Respite in a Memory Care facility where I had him for Adult Day Care so he knew the people and I did as well. I was nervous and worried . I thought after the length of time I would be gone he would be so used to the place he would not be able to come back home. Or something would happen and I would not be able to get home fast enough (I was to be gone for 3 weeks to Europe) Well I got an "emergency" call that came to the hotel, they came to get me and I made contact with my BIL and he told me the facility had called and said my Husband had an infection and they wanted to treat it. I said he should tell them to go ahead and do what they needed to do. I had been worried to this point now I was frantic. Got home 2 weeks later to find when going over the bill the infection was Athletes Foot! Oh and he readjusted back home just fine! It was like I dropped him off that morning.
Go enjoy your vacation
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Countrymouse Jun 2019
The website seems to have some mini-gremlins at the moment, so you think your answer hasn't posted because nothing happens, and you click Post Reply again, and actually the first time when it wasn't doing anything it was just thinking about it, and then it obeys the first order AND the second. It's jolly annoying!

But people can skip over duplicates easy enough, there's no harm done :)
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Question for you.
Is Mom on Hospice?
If so Medicare allows Respite for caregivers when the patient is on Hospice. Hospice will place her in an In Patient Unit so you know she will be well cared for by professionals. The number of days Medicare will cover is 7. They will also cover In Patient for symptom management and Pain management for as long as the "crisis" continues.
If she is not on Hospice if you think she would qualify make a call and have her evaluated.
If siblings will not step up then Respite can be paid for from her account.
Do NOT feel guilty.
You deserve a break and you will be better for it when you return.
Might something happen...yes would it be highly likely..probably not. How many weeks go by without anything major happening?
If your siblings step in ask them not to call you unless it is an emergency.
If you do get her in Respite through Hospice you can check in when you want and they will call if it is an emergency.

I have to tell a funny story. I place my Husband in Respite in a Memory Care facility where I had him for Adult Day Care so he knew the people and I did as well. I was nervous and worried . I thought after the length of time I would be gone he would be so used to the place he would not be able to come back home. Or something would happen and I would not be able to get home fast enough (I was to be gone for 3 weeks to Europe) Well I got an "emergency" call that came to the hotel, they came to get me and I made contact with my BIL and he told me the facility had called and said my Husband had an infection and they wanted to treat it. I said he should tell them to go ahead and do what they needed to do. I had been worried to this point now I was frantic. Got home 2 weeks later to find when going over the bill the infection was Athletes Foot! Oh and he readjusted back home just fine! It was like I dropped him off that morning.
Go enjoy your vacation
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I got someone from our church to stay at our house while we were gone. She was good and caring, gave her 100 a day and had food for her and mom. And I did enjoy my time away.
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It’s be nice to have an update on your bio as it says you are caring for your father. You don’t say how old your mom is but I’m guessing 80’s-90’s.
First of all I don’t see where you are greedy. You have a life that is more than just your mom, right? And it is natural to want to live that life which includes seeing other family members as well as and certainly as seeing a new grandchild. So that is NOT greed. That is love. So quit guilting yourself.
Your mom has lived a long life and it is not your fault she has all these health conditions. It is what it is. The longer I’ve seen the state elderly people live in with diseases and dementia the more pragmatic I’ve become about death. So if she falls then what? She goes to hospital.
Personally it is not up to your mom to set the rules. She’s in your home under your care so you make the rules. It isn’t her best judgment to deny in home caregivers. For that matter she could spend that week in a respite place. If you really want to go, you can. But first you must stop projecting the future "dire circumstances " that only might occur and deal with the hear and now. You tell mom you are going and then say here is the plan for your care and safety while I’m gone. Tell her you are responsible to be sure she is safe and this is the plan. If she balks so be it, let her. What is she going to do? Nothing except maybe sulk. You need to take control of your life and not let mom overtake control of yours. You are actually the one holding the power here but you are giving it away to her.
Stand firm, set boundaries or your continued life with her will make you stressed even more and affect your health more than it does her's.
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You mentioned that you had family close by but that they don’t help. Yeah it’s time to change that. Especially if they’re siblings. You’re not her only family member you is able to assist. Tell the other family look I need a break too. She won’t come with us, y’all need to step up and help. Find someone willing to stay with her at night. Then split the days between other willing family members, unless someone offers to take the whole time you’re gone and stay in house with her. I’m going to make a similar arrangement as a test this summer with some of my family. I have two sisters & two aunts who rarely help w/my mom I’m left to do it alone. But it’s been 3 years since my dad died & my mom fell to pieces after. She will likely be starting kidney dialysis soon and I need a break away with my own family before I’m tied down to that responsibility too. So I’m making arrangements with one of my sisters (one is excluded because she’s about to give birth) & my two aunts to each of them give me a day and a night to stay with mom so we can take a short out of town trip & I can get a needed break. My mom is like your mom she refuses to leave her house, her animals or even consider traveling out of town for overnight without my dad. But I need to get away from her as much as I love her I’m being dragged down by her depression from my dad’s untimely demise & her own emotional grief over her health deterioration. I too suffer from a chronic illness & stress is one of my worst issues so the breaks I do get aren’t frequent enough to sustain me. I endured long enough and finally had enough. I snapped this year and told my sisters they needed to step up and help more than they do. They aren’t happy about it but they are around more which has helped both of us. It’s time for you to call in the reserves and maybe if they help once you’ll get more in the future. Best of luck.
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I had a hard time with that too. But (and it took a while) resentment starts to creep in. Because I really wanted to do things with my children and visit them and see things and go away once in a while. I would feel guilty leaving my mom and if I took her it was such and ordeal and she was not always happy to go. Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself and do the things you really want to do. We are not suppose to deny ourselves a life because our parents are grumpy and won't make things a easier on us. My mom is 89 and I honestly think she can't think about anyone else anymore she is so focused on herself and her daily routine. You deserve to have relationships with ALL your family. Set up what the plan is and let her deal with it and if she's not happy that's just too bad. I know that's easier said then done but YOU deserve to have some enjoyment. Resentment does not feel good.
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I read your post and my reaction was "oh god." I can sure relate to needing a vacation and being someone who works in a related caregiving field. You have got to get a break, which makes me not inclined to want to say my first thought was to absolutely insist that mom and pup come with you. As a dog mom I get that she doesn't want to leave her pup...I wouldn't. I worry because if you say "fine" and go the guilt and worry is going to destroy your vacation that is so needed, and worse, if there is an emergency, you will have to make that 9 hour trek back in an upset state of mind. I used to travel with my pup to a spot 5 hours and heavier traffic away. Now I go within 45 minutes, lucky enough to have a great dog friendly hotel and scenic locale. I also notify our local police and fire dept with my phone numbers and let them know where I'll be. I still couldn't manage a few days without them calling me or the neighbor texting about a garage door issue. But at least I had some time away. If you set up cameras you will be preoccupied= no vacation. In fact, if she comes along it really is no vacation. So in my mind the choices for mom come down to having someone come in for at least a 4 hour shift a day. You can prepare for it by locking up the valuables and breakables with a trusted friend/other location or lock room in your home. (Have an exterior type handset lock installed on an interior door). I learned that here in OH if it is a private agency not getting medicare or medicaid funds, they DO NOT have to do a background check. Insist on it and possibly seeing it. Interview multiple agencies and find someone before you go. If she doesn't like it, TS.
Does she have any friends that you could line up to do discreet daily checks? Also, check with your local Area Agency on Aging for the Family Caregiver Support Program which offers some funds to cover help.
I don't know if you have plans/reservations that can be changed or not...but if you need more time to plan this out and can, I would, if only for your own peace of mind...good luck.
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When my husband could no longer go places and needed constant care, I hired a caregiver from an agency to stay with him. Another time I found a nursing home that would do respite if they had an available room. Nothing will be ideal, but it is very important that you get this time away. Do not feel guilty about needing to take care of your own physical, mental and emotional needs. You need to be healthy or you can’t continue to help her... and as a health care professional, you know I am right.
Your mom may get mad about someone there to care for her, but you need to ignore that. Perhaps your council on aging in your county can direct you to some other solutions.
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Respite, as some mentioned, most likely won't work because of the dog, but for sure hire a caregiver. That's the only way you can enjoy your vacation.
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As a medical professional, you know the importance of all you've mentioned. You also know caregivers NEED to have breaks/ vacations for their own sanity as well as over all health. Also as a medical professional, you probably know people you can trust who could stay with your mom during that time. Loosen up, hire a friend/ coworker/caregiver to be on premises with her & get yourself some well deserved & much needed rest & enjoyment without all the worry. There are many of us out there who do this kind of assistance for families. Find one or 2 & bring them in to get familiar with you, your mom & your schedule/ routine & then take your much needed rest. Relax & enjoy you grandson.
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If mom can not do for herself, she needs somebody there to provide "over watch" and care. You and your husband have taken on that responsibility. If you had a young child, you would get a sitter. You need somebody to do that for your mom. Use her resources to set up respite care for the duration of the trip. Then you can go enjoy your trip knowing she is cared for.

Mom will probably never "like" the idea, and she may try to manipulate you to skip the trip. Don't let her give you the "guilts" for taking care of your own needs.
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Guilt of leaving my mom should some calamity befall her prevented me for decades of taking vacay. Now that she has passed, I won't spend the money.

Go. Rick Steve's and I on PBS are tight,but not same thing. How ever, might I recommend his travel insights.
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Yes, you need to plan on a vacation. No, you should not have to worry about your Mom while you are gone. I, too, was reluctant to enlist home care for my husband with Parkinson's. Same feelings you have, didn't want strangers in my home, not sure they would do their job, the list goes on. When I finally sought one out, it was painless. They were very professional, came to the house and assessed my husband, what his needs were, what my expectations were as far as his care while I was away, etc. It was really very easy and they worked with me because he only needs a welfare check, basically, twice a day. He has come to know the caregiver and even remembers her name. I have so much more peace of mind now when I take my monthly respite trips. Two of our kids live close by, but their lives are so busy, I can't depend on them to check up on him and home health care has been a huge blessing, worth every penny. I have a large walk-in closet that has a keyed lock, so I put valuables, jewelry, cash, personal info, in that closet and lock it up when I leave Probably not necessary as all caregivers are vetted and background checked, but it gives me more peace of mind. You ARE NOT GREEDY!! Who will take care of her when you are dead from caregiver burnout?!? Just do it. You will not be sorry and you will look forward to the next time you can get away. It's not all about them, it has to be about you, too! Blessings and have a great vacay!!
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gdaughter Jun 2019
Beware that just because you're told the people are vetted and background checked doesn't mean they always are or that their FUTURE behavior may not be what is expected.
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You really do need this vacation, I agree. You've given a dozen or so excellent reasons, and I'm sure it is extremely well earned.

But you have got to get cover for your mother. She can't be left alone, and if your husband has work commitments I don't think it's fair on either of them to put him in charge. Nor all that safe, either.

I think you might be making assumptions about home care services that aren't necessarily true. Have you got in touch with any agencies and discussed what they might be able to offer?
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Hi there.
You definitely need to take one of her peers with her or hire a caretaker to go with her and be her personal activities person. That way she can do what she wants to do. Leaving her is never a good idea for sure.

A peer can be a neighbor, church member, cousin, sibling.
Another elderly peer helps her feel more comfortable in her own skin to take the trip and enjoy family as well.
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You are not greedy! Every one deserves a break from caregiving. Especially for the joy of spending time with grandbabies!

Give yourself a break. You ARE worthy!

As others have said, get someone lined up to check on mom. Too bad if she doesn't like it. Again, it's for YOU, not her. You don't need her agreement. Just do it.

And ENJOY your vacation!!!
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I’m a little confused. I thought you said, in answer to another post, back in February, that your mom had passed?
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gdaughter Jun 2019
That's interesting...do you think Aging Care which is owned by a home care provider type company as I recall...posts questions sure to create responses that encourage home care hires??? Just asking/wondering....
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Agree with Barb. Hire a home care agency and pay to have someone come and check on her.

No no matter the cost; your peace of mind while 9 hours away on a well needed vacation is PRICELESS. You’ll be worried the entire time.

The CG is for you, not your mother. Your mother will have to just deal with it. Not fair to you.
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AT1234 Jun 2019
It’s also eyes on situation, and it’s not up to her. Seems like this might be an ongoing help once a week or something to get to know CG.
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I don't know the dynamic between you and your mom but what you describe sounds contentious - does she realize the sacrifices you have made for her? You need to have a heart to heart discussion about what her half of this bargain is that enables you to keep her out of a facility, if you are going to make this work the sacrifices can't all be yours. Personally I would make it very clear that some kind of oversight is non negotiable, she can wear an alert pendent and accept home care or she can go on a holiday of her own at a respite facility (at her expense), she needs to choose one.
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Greedy? Because you NEED time away? Not a chance. We all need breaks.

You are doing a good job of thinking up all the reasons to not have any help available for mom, though. You know mom needs help. A caregiver could come to stay with her in her home. But, not unless you are there? Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Not a respite stay in a facility either? There are many that could provide that for mom. She may even enjoy it. As a medical pro you could certainly get recommendations and check references on facilities. Maybe a friend has even used one. No facility is going to be perfect, mom could even take her dog, mom may even enjoy it.

Stop finding reasons for you to feel guilty about needing a very well deserved vacation.
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Is your husband going with you too?

Can your Mum make meals? Sandwich for lunch, reheat dinner etc?

Would a stint in respite be safer? I know you don't want that, but it's only temporary.
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You need a vacation! You sound like you are past burnout.

You need to get a home healthcare agency involved to check on your mother each day. It doesn't matter if she gets mad. How are you going to have any peace of mind on vacation if you're worried about your mom?

Call an agency today so that you can start having caregivers come in while you're still at home. Tell your mom this is for YOU not for her; that you need the peace of mind.
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