Need advice from all my new trusted friends!

Let her keep it for now... We all need something at this point to hold on to - something "steady" - and as long as it isn't hurting anyone and might be helping her? Just keep her son away!

I went to your "about me" description to learn more about your situation. I agree it's too bad you couldn't move your Aunt closer to you, in Montana, as it doesn't sound like having her near her son is in any way benefiting either of them. But, at this point and in this modern world situation, that's probably not possible now. Do you have a list of all her friends - do you think you've actually been able to let all that need to know about her current situation? I don't think it would be a great idea to just disconnect "her" phone because that might literally disconnect her in a way... I don't know whether this is possible, but if you have a cell phone/contract, could you add a second number and then have her number diverted to your "extra" number and you wouldn't have to be bothered until you checked it? Sort of like a voicemail option... I don't know! Technology now can do so many things I can't keep up! Good luck...

Forward her phone to your's.

Someone mentioned that your aunt's son's voice is on her voicemail message. ( I didn't see that mentioned in your question). If that is actually the case, would it be possible to have him make a new message which is a greeting for her, which also asks anyone else who call to leave their message after the beep?
For instance: "Mom, this message is just for you. I want you to know I'm thinking of you today. And love you today and everyday".
If this is anyone but my Mom, please leave your message after the beep.

I say leave it on and answer it from time to time. It's very possible she remembers the phone number just because it's etched in memory, but doesn't realize she is calling her (previous) home. Because why would you call yourself. I think she just remembers the number, but not all the details that go with it. Disconnecting it would really be shooting yourself in the foot as far as getting a call you might need or telling a friend where she is. Don't answer every call from her - just a couple during the day so she knows you're there.

I would wait... just my opinion. It’s the one familiar thing she has during lockdown and I’m not sure I’d take it away. With no visitors and room isolation it may cause undo stressors during an already stressful time. Keep the hope she will be back comfortable and settled once the sheltering is lifted. Anything is possible.

I have faced similar dilemma. You know there’s not a “right or wrong” answer, right? It’s always a balance between what’s best for your mom and what’s best for you. I chose to leave the phone.

Don't send to your cell, it will create anxiety any time Your cell rings. If you still have the number crate a voice mail message just for her telling her you love her and anything she likes to hear even if it isn’t the whole truth, the things that are reassuring. Then turn off the ringer let her talk to the voicemail. The ALF will call you if there is something you need to know. You don’t need to listen to the voicemail messages, you already know what the are going to say and her worry and confusion will just create guilt and anxiety for you. Call her when you have a moment to dedicate to her.
if you don’t have the phone there are apps for a second number. I had to get one of the phones for her that had pictures of the people she likes to call. Let them know what the new number so the can decide to answer or block the number. Remember to program the emergency 911 button to the number for the voicemail so the facility doesn’t get an unexpected visit from emergency services.

I would forward the number to my phone, answer if at all possible, when she calls. Talk to her for a few minutes as often as you can.

Don't go into the gory details, just something like "we had your number forwarded to me while you are staying at the ALS, Remember?"

May assure her that her son was staying in a good place, the last tournament heard. "When I talk to him I'll give him a message." No sense reminding her of things that will just make her sad. Especially when she won't remember it much past that momentary sorrow.

It is so hard sometimes. My dad is at the house he has lived in for over 30 years and there are times he will ask to go "home." Or if they are "allowed to be here."

There are times when he thinks he lives where he lived over 50 years ago. Or that he needs to train for a fight. (He was a professional boxer for a short time. ) We use that one to get him walking. There is no sense reminding them of harsh realities that make someone feel hopeless and helpless.

Wwith this virus most of these places went from feeling "fun" to being isolated and lonely.

I have a friend who runs a small place in Florida and she was telling us that one of the hardest things for residents is that they can't see their caregivers smiles. They don't recognize themor are distrustful of rather it is really them or someone pretending to be them.

It is rough! So forward the call and talk to her. At least that is my advice.

If her calls are not bothering you or others or a financial burden, it doesn't hurt anybody. The frequent calls may be a symptom that your aunt is lonely and does not have enough to do or enough social contact. Send her puzzles, find-a-words, sudoku, books, movies... Plan for more frequent phone calls and arrange phone visits with her friends. Social distancing should not mean social isolation.

Calling her old phone # isn't hurting anyone.

Let her call her old phone # if that makes her happy.

Also, if you've already told her that her home was sold, no need to keep reminding her of that.

If it makes her happy and gives her hope that she still has a home, then let her think that as there is no harm and she should keep as many Happy Thoughts as she can.

Thid is such a terrifying time for many.

Add that to losing your home— and being thrown into a new, unfamiliar environment - and at a time when you are struggling to figure things out.

Alot of people in care facilities will die alone this year. It Is happening now, every hour.

Her life has spun out of her control. She must feel hopeless and sad, confused: like Dorothy mixed together with Alice in Wonderland.

it would be inhumane to disconnect the phone.

In a way it's great that she can still call the number. It may be best if you had that number forwarded to your number so that you'll know if any important calls come in, and you can screen the scam calls. "Grandmother" scams are very prevalent, so be careful about posing as somebody else. Also, it will be a way of knowing that she is OK if her calls come to you. Maybe you can pick up at times and talk to her.

Maybe review why does she need the phone? Seems to have mental losses that make calling futile. Eg calling old number. Perhaps if a cell you can carry the phone and answer the important calls.

Is she living on her own? Isolation? Social isolation or in facility isolated because of disease. If on her own, perhaps that needs to be reviewed.

It sounds like keeping the phone is still somewhat useful to you (business and old friends.) That is one reason to keep it.

The second potential reason depends on how you perceive the messages she is leaving. You mention her son's voice is on the outgoing message and that she's forgotten what he did, so she still cares and/or worries about him. Are her messages just stating she will be home later, or does she sound upset or agitated? IF she is only leaving a simple message, mainly for the son, I would let the phone stay, at least for now. If it suddenly went away, she might end up more agitated and worried about him. She still understands leaving messages.

Is it possible to have someone, maybe your brother, call her back and pretend to be the son? Not every time, but once in a while, just to reassure her that "he is okay". I know it sounds deceptive, but a very brief call might be enough to soothe her. Be ready with a reason to cut the call short - such as break time is over, gotta run, love you, will talk later!

If her calls give her comfort, please don’t deprive her of it.

My aunt “called home” for a few months after entering her AL. The messages were heartbreaking to us, her caregivers, but always seemed to end on an upbeat note, letting her sisters, brother, or mother know that she’d be coming home late, or staying at work, or going to a meeting.

If she’d been distressed rather than satisfied, I’d have stopped the phone service. I was very comfortable for her to have it though, while she needed it.

I think you should trust your instincts on this. If you feel that she needs to have something familiar then keep it. Is it bothering you to keep it? Would you be sorry if you disconnect it? Have you asked at the facility what they feel is best. They see her and may have some insight.

Can you transfer it (porting the number) to a new cheap cell phone? Keep that and disconnect the home phone. Maybe you already did that if her home is sold.

Keep the cell phone:
1) To answer at your convenience.
2) To test her memory, see if she forgets.
3) Does she know who she is calling still? Or where?

The goal would be for the next 4 months to not have any changes that would upset or confuse her. If you answer it, ask her if she needs anything.

my loved ones.. I have to have them near me. I need to know I can get to them within a short period of time. So that means, I usually don't travel farther than 3 hours out anymore. You say she has a son that is not quite with it. But you are.. And I know this is your aunt. I take care of mine too. Can you find a place close to your home so you can manage her wellbeing better? HOw many friends visit her now that she is in a facility?
It is so hard to figure out what is best... My cousin finally moved his mom into a board n care. He thought that would be the end of her. According to him , she didn't even realize she was moved..
I would say, get rid of number, or have all calls forward to your phone so you can answer or take messages. She may be confused as to why her phone still works, but she can't go home. That may be very confusing...
Declining in mental status is going to happen as she gets older too. Isolation doesn't help either.friends getting to this stage is not a happy sight, so friends will stop visiting, especially if she cannot hold a conversation, or can't remember their names or recognize them.. The more isolation, probably identifying will be hard too.
If she has been in the same place since November, she may have connections with some people. Moving her now, may not be the right choice either. Going back to the phone. She probably equates the phone with home, and the phone still "works", so why isn't she able to be at home? All she probably thinks of is to go home.... go home...
Have the number forwarded to your cell, for awhile, and then perhaps, close it.
Does she have a phone in the facility? Maybe start with that..
Her number may be the only number she remembers to call. Maybe just tell her the new rules are no phones. If you need to call someone, mom, facility needs to notify me first.. By email? Think about that. Maybe her number is the only number she knows, and she relates that to home....days gone by.

I would disconnect the phone.

Dementia steals memories, so you don't know what will cause a decline. Change does for some, some get a little brighter for a bit.

One thing is certain, just when you think it's all figured out, something will throw a curve ball in and you feel like you are starting over.

Best of luck dealing with the unknown of dementia. Hugs, it is difficult.

Same as I say; had to happen eventually....

If she is phoning it she's not getting an answer right? Or are you answering it when she phones? Do you have call display? Maybe just don't answer it when she phones? Or it's been a while since she's been there right? All her old friends should know by now? Maybe it's time to disconnect it. I think I would. Reality needs to set in for her if you want her to adjust to her situation so maybe it would be best.