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She's depressed, lonely, scared! She won't eat right, misses meals, can't sleep, is a horder, at the same time a clean freak germaphobe, is argumentative, a complete family gossip, incapable of learning anything new yet resentful that we all have iPods and new phones, drives when she wants to and at other times has to rely others at her own whim. The list goes on and on. I make frozen homemade meals for her each week (she always has plenty of food); we take her out to eat at least 2-3 times a week; she has a First Alert which I pay for yet she doesn't wear it all the time and hides the remote unit in the bottom of her purse; she will not take ant sleeping pills or antidepressants,she won't do her back exercises for her severe back problems (yet I took her to rehab for three months two times a week); her house and paperwork are out of control (stacks and stacks of junk mail which she has a fit if anyone touches it) . She won't let anyone clean for her and the few times doc the adult grandkids did, she talked incessantly about how bad of a job they did. She never feels good except yet she's not dying of anything and catastrophises every little ache and pain. I take her to all her Dr appt and hear exactly what the Drs say and she'll totally make up a diagnoses when telling someone else (Dr put her on the lowest possible amount of oxygen only at night so she might sleep better and now she tells everyone he said she could die without it! When I say she's negative about everything, I mean everything. She loves being around the great grandkids talking about how sweet, smart and adorable they are. But somehow it all slides into either worry about safety or health (and if course no one is raising their kids as well as she did hers) or she thinks the ones who have working moms are "poor little things not getting the right attention". Her constant companion while at home is Fox News (she hears half of the story and makes up the rest) or The Golden Girls (she loves their hairstyles!). My kids just keep telling me to accept what is and believe me I work on it daily! My mom lost her sister three years ago, then her youngest child, my 8 years younger brother of a sudden heart attack almost 3 years ago, then my dad 18 months ago... So I realize she's had major hits in life. She will never, ever, ever leave the house she and Daddy built and to even bring it up makes her fighting mad. She won't allow help or anyone even coming in part time foray reason. She's starting to forget a lot of things but no where near where we could do anything legally. It's just all so wearing on me and I find myself feeling guilty when I do something for myself. I know it's all going to get worse as she fails and I want so much for these years to be happy for her. After Daddy died she was with me and my husband for6 months. That's another long story...she wasn't happy here yet resented it terribly when she went home. She spends the night with me frequently or with another adult grandchild. No attest what we coif never seems enough.

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Harpcat is spot-on. Mom won't let "anyone" in the house......except you and select family members. Been there. And it's a terrible place to be. To an extent, this is uncharted territory for our generation. When our parents were our age, most of them were not their ailing parents' puppet.

Another important difference: When my mom was my age, she was a "housewife" with no kids at home. In contrast, my so-called 8-hour/day job keeps me out of the house 10.5-11 hours/day. Most of our moms have no idea what it's like to squeeze everything into Saturday and Sunday. Thrown in a touch of narcissism and entitlement, and they don't care. Thrown in dementia -- even mild dementia -- and they really don't care.

Therapy, counseling, boundaries.......run, don't walk. Full disclosure: I did not take some this advice when I was in the thick of it. And I was -- and am -- all the worse for it.

Only you can reclaim your life. With deliberate effort. And professional support. Although they mean well, the family members who tell you to let it go are the same people who will call YOU the minute anything at mom's house changes for the worse. Not one of your siblings, not county elder services, not Home Instead, not mom's doctor, not 911. They'll call you. Without the tools to steel yourself against this, you'll be right back in the pit of despair.

Best to you. This is rough. Take action toward self-preservation. If it feels unnatural or uncomfortable, you'll know you're doing the right thing!
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LaraLu, I am not sure that I have ever read a portrait of so lively, active, and engaged an elderly lady.

Your mother is coping admirably with the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" which, you explain, she has had flung at her recently. Your kids are right. In due course your mother will accept the gradual increases in assistance that she needs to stay safely in her own home; and your children will help you to help her find them.

Meanwhile try meditation (seriously, I mean - I'm not being rude or dismissive) to control your own anxiety.
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Your mom has some hallmarks of dementia in my opinion. you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I understand and empathize with you're wanting her to be happy but you can't make that happen so you need to let that wish go bye bye. Accept what is. You are causing yourself mental anguish because you are hoping her situation was different. I call it the "if only" game, if you get my meaning. After reading your story, it sounds as though you are too much in her life. You need to see her less and get some distance and reclaim your own life with the family you have. Guilt is not a healthy emotion and it does not serve you. Guilt means you've done something wrong. You need some boundaries set. She obviously doesn't mind encroaching on you and has no boundaries. My suggestion is get thee to a therapist and get some of this talked out with suggestions on coping and handling her. You don't say you have done this, so I assume you haven't. Do not let her behavior own your life, it is not fair and it is not right. You have a right to some peace...you must for your own mental health. Yes, meditation would be good as the other person noted. It is a hard road so you must do what you can to help yourself. The only situation you can control is your's...you accept that and you will feel better. It helped me a lot.
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I have to agree with the two previous posters. She's got the beginnings of dementia and it's a situation that you have no control over.

Has she appointed anyone POA for health and/or finances? If not, THAT's what you need to work on right now. Because what is going to happen is this:

She's going to fall, or end up in the hospital with a "real" something and decisions will have to be made. If she has all her paperwork in order, her loving family will make good decisions for her. You might point out to her that if none of you has the ability to speak to doctors on her behalf, decisions are going to be made for her by strangers.

At this point, you are waiting for the fall or other major medical event to occur. For YOU, meditation, therapy and perhaps antidepressants may give you some relief. Even if she won't take steps to improve the quality of her mental health, set a good example for her by doing it yourself.
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Dear LaraLu
You diagnosed your mom in your first sentence...depressed, scared, lonely.
And then some.Family loss is so hard to deal with which can deepen dementia.She at some level may feel her "world" is falling apart and is unable to figure it out as she has done in the past. Perhaps you can hire one of HER beloved family members or friend to help her. Then she may accept help and alleviate you some.Also, if possible attend a dementia support group, at least once. My 88yo mom with alzheimer lives with me for past 4yrs.
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Laralu--
You are describing my mother! How is this possible? Were they twins separated at birth?
I am not trying to be disrespectful--I am saying that you are not alone in this--many of us struggle with a parent's odd (to us) behavior--which is often just their coping skills in action.

And what can you do? Not much. SHE isn't going to change, and yes, we want our mothers to be happy, healthy, etc., and when they don't "cooperate", we feel like we need to step in and make it all right, and we can't. Accepting that mom is changing, life is changing, is hard.
I do see signs of dementia in my mother--but now at least I don't take her rude comments so much to heart. If she wants to live in a hoarded, cramped environment, well, all I can do is makes sure she has a clear pathway to walk. I can only do so much--as you can.

I'd be prepared, mentally, as much as [possible for the inevitable decline, and likely, like my mother, it's not pleasant to think about, but we've all made sure she's got POA established, her affairs are as in "order" as they can be, and we all just go with the flow.
My mother can be the sweetest thing--then turn around in the same sentence and say the most awful stuff about people. I try not to let it bother me--but it's hard.
It does sound like your mom is just being 87 with the problems that come with being 87 and having gone through a lot of bad stuff in a short time. Just be there for her, kind of let the bad stuff slide off you and try not to take it personally. (I'm also talking to myself here). SHE isn't going to change. So you have to. Distance yourself if you need to and take time for yourself. Sounds like she has a lot of care in her life, if she opts to not use it, well----she can do that.
I wish you well!
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If you can afford the time and expense of therapy, go ahead - it can't hurt. But when I was caring for my mother, I simply couldn't add that in to my many other tasks and responsibilities. I found a local caregivers' support group that I could go to once a month that really helped. I went online and joined caregivers's blogs, just to read what other people were going through and how they handled it. These things were do-able for me while still taking care of my mom. They will encourage you to live your life, put a little distance between you and your mom, for her own good and yours, and help you to figure out what really helps her, and what only enables her to be more unhappy and dissatisfied and complaining. You sound like such a caring person, I wouldn't be too worried about not doing enough for her, but about doing too much.
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Laralu,
Depression can cause people to act in very odd ways. I think I might see if treatment for that would help her. And also rule out any other kind of illness, but, if her functioning is as low as you describe, then, I wouldn't just write it off as too early to do anything about it. Because that may not be the case. I would consult with an Elder Law attorney who deals with Competency hearings and get an opinion on what evidence is required. Often, it's not always about memory, but the ability to run your own household, make appropriate decisions, use good judgment and resist being the victim of exploitation. Find out what to look for so you can gather your evidence. You'l have it when you need it. It sounds like she's pretty feisty and may not accept help.

I'm still wondering why you would feel guilty for doing something for yourself. It seems to be a common thing with caregivers. I wonder if it means you are trying too hard. Consider what is reasonable and try to accept what cannot be changed.

A lot of the things that you describe sound like my mom too! I decided to fight the big battles and the rest, I let it go. lol Antidepressants have helped her a lot, but certain things, I don't expect to change.
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My mom has always been a negative, overly dramatic victim. I struggled with feelings of guilt 3 years ago when I placed her in skilled care, but it was necessary and because I take care of my disabled husband, she could not come live with me. Actually, it wouldn't have been an option even if my husband were well. I agree with the poster who said you need to distance yourself from mom a little. I used to visit my mom 2 or 3 times a week until I found myself becoming so depressed and stressed out by the visits, I now visit maybe once every few weeks. You cannot single-handedly change your mother's lifestyle or demeanor. It's a self-defeating proposition and it sounds like she would resent your interference. You do need to stop over analyzing her behaviors and fretting over her moods because you can't change them. Some people, like my mom, just aren't happy unless they're unhappy.
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I have friends who took dad out for movies & dinner & other daughter & spouse went into his home during this time & discovered unpaid bills etc. Might work for you for a start. Wonder if she would notice anyone had been there while she was gone.
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