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MIL has been in a beautiful MC unit since August when we moved her back to NJ. The clinical team, administrators and MC director take good care of MIL. It is the aides I am having a difficult time with. I understand the staffing shortage and all that however on the MC unit there are 3 residents(this section just opened in Aug)! I am finding it very difficult to understand how with 3 residents the aides can not agent anything right…..laundry—-I am always taking clothing out of her dresser that is not hers and it is labeled, Gum—MIL chews gum for her anxiety. We limited her to 5 pieces in AM, Lunch and PM yet when Aides are with her and not her MC director they do not give her her gum(we find the baggies full when we visit). Meals—-MIL eats very simple meals. MC director ensures when her meals are ordered it is very basic not fancy or she won’t it it. I have sent a few emails to explain her eating habits. Also MIL will not go down to the dining room to eat, they bring her tray to her, plop it down in front of her with all that food. We have asked NUMEROUS times 1) please make sure she is sitting in the dining room chair that is provided not her soft lounging chair 2) remove any garnishes on her plate and present her food in a smaller plate. Instructions are all over for the aides on what to do….yet no follow through. I have emailed, talked with clinical team and MC director(MC director is frustrated as well)….we visit every day so we can “check in” on MIL. My problem is when I bring things up I feel like a helicopter mom and that one person that is causing waves. I am a retired teacher so I feel like that one parent that is always complaining…..any ideas on how to get the assistance that MIL should have and deserves?

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The aides don't deal with the laundry, so that's a misplaced problem. Make sure her clothes are CLEARLY labeled, not with a permanent marker. I got those little iron-on personalized labels and sewed them into Mom's clothes. Then I left that hill, because it's not worth dying on. Sometimes Mom was wearing someone else's shirt and frankly, it didn't matter.

As for the food, you aren't going to walk in there one day and find a skeleton in her chair with a full plate in front of it. She'll eat if she's hungry. Yes, you should keep pressing on this because it shouldn't be that hard, but again, it's not the hill to die on.

I agree that if this all so concerning that you should consider hiring a private aide for her. Personally, I'd prefer letting her learn to advocate for herself a bit if she has that level of competency, but if you're always there helicoptering or have an aide, she'll never need to. My mom's MC aides eventually learned her likes and dislikes, but if a meal showed up that wasn't exactly as she wanted, she'd still eat it eventually.
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I'm thinking about when I was a young mom with 5 kids in a very small home. Somehow I was able to keep the kids' clothes organized and dealt with 'picky' eaters, etc.

A MC is a lot like that.

This place is simply doing the very basics. Considering there are only 3 residents, I don't see how they can't get their acts together---and if you want the kind of care for mom that you are describing, then maybe you need to look elsewhere or lower your standards a little. Or be there more to do what you want to see done.

It's a difficult call, I know. Neither my mom nor my MIL will ever reside in a NH, so I can't really speak to the long term living arrangements. Mom was in a rehab facility for 8 weeks following her hip replacement. It was pretty upscale, but they offered NO add ons-such as activities, trips, movies out--it was clean, lovely and the food was good. PT was a joke, hence the 8 week stay when she was told 4--she simply didn't improve w/o PT.

We learned really quickly to have mom dressed in muu-muus and not slacks or 2 piece outfits. We bought her a bunch of muu-muus and she felt dressed up enough for visitors. She did get one haircut from the traveling beautician and that lifted her spirits a little.

Maybe your standards are a little too high, considering all the basics must be covered first. If your concerns aren't being met, at some point, you will be considered a 'squeaky wheel' and the staff will stop listening to you completely. They wouldn't do it to be mean, but they get tired of fussy family members. It's just in our natures--sadly.
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Daughterinlaw56 Nov 2021
Yeah I agree. Which is why I do not want to be a squeaky wheel. We go daily, which I try to explain to my husband….with us there she does not fend for herself and staff sees us a break for a bit.
guess I’m just venting since we pay $$$$ and there are only 3 residents. We are discussing what will happen when more arrive….uggggh.
thank you for letting me vent
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Actually, it is part of her service plan from the memory care director. She is the one that has implemented the food set up and the gum protocol(she puts her pieces of gum into baggies labeled AM/Lunch/dinner.
MC is part of AL however have their own staff. We are fortunate to have the same aides 90% of the time. It is all about following a service plan that was developed specifically for MIL.
BTW: I do not want to complain which is why I am asking how to go about it.
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JoAnn29 Nov 2021
Going about it...ask. "is there something that can be done?" I had the hardest time getting the aides to use the toiletries that were right next to Moms bed, on the table, in sight. I had a special brush for her to help with the static electricity in her hair. I even had a note (my daughter says they hate) asking to please use the brush provided. No, they continued to use those cheap little plastic bristle brushes on her hair. She didn't like Colgate, which they provided, so I left a tube of Crest. Crest was never used. Mom went without a bra which was a no no because she broke out in yeast infections where skin met skin. My daughter asked where did I put the bras? In the same drawer as the socks...that's the problem. Aides dress from the top down. So by the time they see the bra, Moms dressed. So I started putting the bras on the hangers with the outfits I put together. No problem after that. If the boss can't get them to do...sometimes it's a losing battle.
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I never understood either how clothes that have names in them go to different rooms. I can see when a room is shared, I have gone into the other roommates closet and found Moms clothes. The NH she was in I would find tops with her name in it that she would never have worn in her right mind. After returning one of these to the nurses station after the second time, it was finally explained that clothing is donated the aides pick out what they think their resident would like. I explained that there was no need to do this since my Mom had nine outfits. I always left at least 2 clean ones when taking the dirty ones home. I brought the clothes back the next day. Yes, she is on Medicaid but had a family to make sure she had what she needed.

By law, they cannot make a person do what they don't want to. Dementia or not. So if Mom will not go to the dining room, they need to bring food to her. If the MC is part of an AL the kitchen is probably preparing everyones food. Its bad enough they are dealing with special diets but then they have to remember a resident doesn't like garnishes?

As my brother told me "you are your own worst enemy". My thing was Moms hair. It was combed different every time I went to visit. Right parted, left parted. No style at all. My GF was a hairdresser at the facility. Would curl Moms hair and the next day the aides would bathe her and get her head wet. So I started carrying around a brush and hair spray and styled her hair when I got there. I wanted her clothes to match, so I started hanging them in sets.
The woman had Dementia and I felt at least she should look nice.
My daughter, RN, worked in NHs for 20yrs. I would ask her what I should and shouldn't complain about.

I do think expecting aides to make sure Mom is getting her gum is a little much. Mom probably doesn't have the same aide 24/7. There are aides that go out of their way and others its just a job.

Your Mom is not going to get the one on one care that you would give. The aides have certain tasks they perform. If this MC is part of an AL and being there are only 3 residents in MC, they may be used in the AL section too.

The kitchen should have a list of any dietary needs of residents. Maybe you can ask that certain things be listed for Mom. When all is said and done, if Mom is safe, clean and cared for you may just have to overlook all the little things. As my daughter said to me, Gma has Dementia she is not aware that her hair is not styled or her clothes don't match. You will be better off making friends of the aides and the Director. Maybe ask " is there anything that can be done".
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I don’t think any MC or other facility can provide the one on one care you are requesting. Perhaps you need to hire a private aide to follow all of your instructions. I had an aide for my dad before he died, and I have one four hours a day for my Mom.
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