Navigating the MC facility…..How

The aides don't deal with the laundry, so that's a misplaced problem. Make sure her clothes are CLEARLY labeled, not with a permanent marker. I got those little iron-on personalized labels and sewed them into Mom's clothes. Then I left that hill, because it's not worth dying on. Sometimes Mom was wearing someone else's shirt and frankly, it didn't matter.

As for the food, you aren't going to walk in there one day and find a skeleton in her chair with a full plate in front of it. She'll eat if she's hungry. Yes, you should keep pressing on this because it shouldn't be that hard, but again, it's not the hill to die on.

I agree that if this all so concerning that you should consider hiring a private aide for her. Personally, I'd prefer letting her learn to advocate for herself a bit if she has that level of competency, but if you're always there helicoptering or have an aide, she'll never need to. My mom's MC aides eventually learned her likes and dislikes, but if a meal showed up that wasn't exactly as she wanted, she'd still eat it eventually.

I'm thinking about when I was a young mom with 5 kids in a very small home. Somehow I was able to keep the kids' clothes organized and dealt with 'picky' eaters, etc.

A MC is a lot like that.

This place is simply doing the very basics. Considering there are only 3 residents, I don't see how they can't get their acts together---and if you want the kind of care for mom that you are describing, then maybe you need to look elsewhere or lower your standards a little. Or be there more to do what you want to see done.

It's a difficult call, I know. Neither my mom nor my MIL will ever reside in a NH, so I can't really speak to the long term living arrangements. Mom was in a rehab facility for 8 weeks following her hip replacement. It was pretty upscale, but they offered NO add ons-such as activities, trips, movies out--it was clean, lovely and the food was good. PT was a joke, hence the 8 week stay when she was told 4--she simply didn't improve w/o PT.

We learned really quickly to have mom dressed in muu-muus and not slacks or 2 piece outfits. We bought her a bunch of muu-muus and she felt dressed up enough for visitors. She did get one haircut from the traveling beautician and that lifted her spirits a little.

Maybe your standards are a little too high, considering all the basics must be covered first. If your concerns aren't being met, at some point, you will be considered a 'squeaky wheel' and the staff will stop listening to you completely. They wouldn't do it to be mean, but they get tired of fussy family members. It's just in our natures--sadly.

Actually, it is part of her service plan from the memory care director. She is the one that has implemented the food set up and the gum protocol(she puts her pieces of gum into baggies labeled AM/Lunch/dinner.
MC is part of AL however have their own staff. We are fortunate to have the same aides 90% of the time. It is all about following a service plan that was developed specifically for MIL.
BTW: I do not want to complain which is why I am asking how to go about it.

I never understood either how clothes that have names in them go to different rooms. I can see when a room is shared, I have gone into the other roommates closet and found Moms clothes. The NH she was in I would find tops with her name in it that she would never have worn in her right mind. After returning one of these to the nurses station after the second time, it was finally explained that clothing is donated the aides pick out what they think their resident would like. I explained that there was no need to do this since my Mom had nine outfits. I always left at least 2 clean ones when taking the dirty ones home. I brought the clothes back the next day. Yes, she is on Medicaid but had a family to make sure she had what she needed.

By law, they cannot make a person do what they don't want to. Dementia or not. So if Mom will not go to the dining room, they need to bring food to her. If the MC is part of an AL the kitchen is probably preparing everyones food. Its bad enough they are dealing with special diets but then they have to remember a resident doesn't like garnishes?

As my brother told me "you are your own worst enemy". My thing was Moms hair. It was combed different every time I went to visit. Right parted, left parted. No style at all. My GF was a hairdresser at the facility. Would curl Moms hair and the next day the aides would bathe her and get her head wet. So I started carrying around a brush and hair spray and styled her hair when I got there. I wanted her clothes to match, so I started hanging them in sets.
The woman had Dementia and I felt at least she should look nice.
My daughter, RN, worked in NHs for 20yrs. I would ask her what I should and shouldn't complain about.

I do think expecting aides to make sure Mom is getting her gum is a little much. Mom probably doesn't have the same aide 24/7. There are aides that go out of their way and others its just a job.

Your Mom is not going to get the one on one care that you would give. The aides have certain tasks they perform. If this MC is part of an AL and being there are only 3 residents in MC, they may be used in the AL section too.

The kitchen should have a list of any dietary needs of residents. Maybe you can ask that certain things be listed for Mom. When all is said and done, if Mom is safe, clean and cared for you may just have to overlook all the little things. As my daughter said to me, Gma has Dementia she is not aware that her hair is not styled or her clothes don't match. You will be better off making friends of the aides and the Director. Maybe ask " is there anything that can be done".

I don’t think any MC or other facility can provide the one on one care you are requesting. Perhaps you need to hire a private aide to follow all of your instructions. I had an aide for my dad before he died, and I have one four hours a day for my Mom.