This was written with speech to text, please pardon the grammar and punctuation.
My dad has been in poor health for nearly 15 years. Congestive heart failure, diabetes, renal failure, bladder cancer on and on and on and on. My entire life he has been an abusive narcissistic a**hole. Everybody owes him their time, care and money in his mind. He didn't work consistently for 30 years and we lived in poverty and neglect. He didn't save for retirement, obviously, and now that he is an extremely poor health, he is completely reliant on his children to continue to survive. I have been buying their groceries and helping pay bills for them for more than five years, and I literally only help them because it helps my mom. As he gets older and he needs more help, he expects more and more. he's at the point where he needs to be in assisted living facility but also refuses to take appropriate actions that would allow him to qualify for Medicaid that would pay for the facility. He expects us to move in and take care of him even though we all have our own lives and jobs we actually work because we have seen the devastation of financial ruin firsthand. His mental and emotional abuse against my mom is constantly ramping up. He knows that he's burned out his children and that we are sick of him and so he has been using her as a manipulation tactic to get what he wants. The last couple weeks have been an especially terrible where he is deliberately trying to run her ragged to get her to plead with her children to step in and give money or be his caretaker. He was able to bully and manipulate his way into getting admitted to the hospital yesterday I was there when he arrived and the manipulation started immediately. I had been caring for my sister with cancer the last five years during which I ignored my physical and mental health. Since her passing, it appears that I have developed Crohn's disease and have had multiple surgeries on my intestines this year alone. I physically cannot help with him, I can't risk lifting something heavy and causing debilitating, permanent disability. I also do not want to move in to my childhood house of horrors, which unsurprisingly they never maintained and doesn't have air conditioning even though we live in a desert. Living there again with him would be traumatic and would worsen my already-terrible health that is getting exponentially worse since my sister died 6 months ago. He called me this morning to ask me to pay his bills for him and he started the conversation with saying that my mom wasn't smart enough to run the computer to pay the bills. I lost my mind and unloaded on him. I called out his abuse his manipulation, his poor behavior. I called him an evil, abusive asshole, The entire time he was trying to cut in and say that he just needed me to run the computer and he would pay the bills with his own money. He was as deliberately not listening. I said almost everything I've ever wanted to say to him throughout my life. The only thing I held back was throwing the pornography exposure in his face, which is sexual abuse. I discovered pornography at age 6.
My brothers are unhappy with me. They say that they don't disagree, but that I shouldn't have said anything because it's not going to change anything. But my mom was grateful and proud that I stood up for her and myself and acknowledged I had every right to say what I did. And now typical of somebody who has been abused their entire life, I am wrestling with the guilt of standing up for myself and my mother and questioning how bad of a person I am for what I just did. I don't regret what I said, but it does have a feeling of kicking somebody at their lowest. I genuinely wish and hope that he passes soon and releases us from the hell that he has subjected us too. I have blocked him. I plan to be no contact for the rest of his life. I am worried about how he's going to treat my mom as a result of my actions. I don't know what to do or how to cope.
I am so sorry about the lifetime of horrible behavior from someone who should have loved and protected you. I’m sorry your innocence was taken away too. 😞
Only good people feel badly about giving someone a verbal sock, even a deserved one, but honey child it was an overdue and righteous thing to do. He's a punk for abusing weaker people. You stood up for the adult you are today and the child you were. The child you were…man oh man, weren't you the one kicked at your most defenseless young lowest point. What he did was 2000% times worse. This retaliation is not your way or habit. It is routine for him, the coward evil slug. You did a healthy purging thing, but you are very damaged and need a good counselor to treat your scars.
And I hesitate to add to your pain but your mom is as guilty for letting this happen to her boy. A momma bear would have fought to the death for her cubs. I'm here to tell you she should've given him a sock with a frying pan while he slept and then let him wake up wondering how he got a lump. I would've… boy what I would've. In the least I would've had nothing to do with him. And to continue to have more babies with such a louse. To let them be mistreated and damaged, OMG. One strike and you're out buddy boy with me and don't even think about abusing a child. Don't you know this?
I almost, very almost, understand that in the day some woman were hesitant to take matters into their own hands, and I also don't know the entire situation so there's that too, but I'm hopping, crazy, smoke coming out of my ears angry that your mom didn't have the lady-balls to throw him out or hit the road with you kids in tow to a shelter, church, police station. You're worried about how he'll treat your mom? They have a long sick relationship. Yes she's guilty too. I can only imagine that your mom grew up in a similar home and so learned to accept this type of behavior from a man. It is familiar. Is she fat, ugly or stupid to think that she wasn't worthy of better. Scr-w that, did she not think that her kids needed better? That's fine for her but to have you and your siblings endure this abhorent nightmare is shocking. Do you really not see this? Do you want to get healthy? You're major hurt and need major help. I'm proud of you for speaking up and reading the riot act to that piece of cr-p. Don't doubt how huge and great standing up to that coward monster is. It's monumental. You may be the only healthy person in your family. Get the heck away. Your home and hearth, and sure as heck, your family, should be your peaceful refuge from the world. A place where you can absolutely count on to be safe, loved, super welcomed and be happy. Nothing is perfect but come on.
If you have kids, please for the love of G-d, don't expose them to this soul crushing behavior. Don't let them witness and so learn disrespectful unloving behavior and exchanges. The two people you were born to, with whom you were automatically programmed to trust and should've been morally and physically nurturing by, as well as protected, cheated the heck out of your heart, mind and body.
What's done is done. You can make amazing family from people who are not blood relations. It's not too late.
Everyone have the potential to be great. EveryoneThis cockrouch not only tore out
I would move 1,000 miles away from them, myself, and would cut off contact with them and with any in the family who felt I owed them support in exchange for a lifetime of abuse.
You have your own health now to preserve. Your own life. Please see to them and allow the forces of nature to deal with your parents as they will naturally occur. Choosing a lifetime of abusing people comes with consequences. Report them to APS as seniors at risk, and tell APS you cannot any longer afford, health wise, to deal with their issues. I wish you the very best. Get therapy and good health care and take care of yourself.
I support you in going NC, well done.
I would call APS for Mom. Just ask that they evaluate their situation. Maybe there are resources available to them.
If you mean Assisted Living in residences that assist people, these are expensive and Medicaid does not usually pay for these residences. In my State, you have to pay privately for at least 2 yrs for Medicaid to pay. And the, tge facility must take Medicaid and have not reached their % for Medicaid residents. The only way Medicaid will pay is for Long-term care in a Nursing Home.
If Dad is ever taken to the hospital, get him evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found he needs it, tell Mom to refuse to let him come home saying she cannot take care of him. She tells them he needs to be transported to LTC with Medicaid paying. She needs to see an Elder Lawyer to make sure her share of the assets are protected. Once on Medicaid she can stay in the home, have a car, and enough or all of their monthly income to live on.
Regarding the porn, I believe I discovered dad’s hustlers under the mattress at about age 9. This was the 1970s where many dads actually didn’t even bother to hide their porn. Most men, including normal men, do indulge in porn who are not as dysfunctional as dad. And the depth of your anger doesn’t extend to making pretty much the same discovery most kids did back then.
Regardless, there are other reasons. So with mom, I’d tell her you’ll be happy to assist should it come down to her living separately from dad, but it’s her choice as to when.
You aren't going to cure "perversion" in the United States or anywhere else.
Move away from it. Leave the perverts on their own. Leave alone also all of those who condoned and enabled his behavior.
When my dh was taking care of his dad, dh found a dvd advertising male on female anal sex over there. I told him just to leave it and never mention it to dad.
if she won’t do that, maybe she can move in with you, but you aren’t saying she needs & wants that.
You have done enough period! Let your siblings take over. Explain to your mother that you WILL NO LONGER be helping them financially or any other way, that you WILL NOT visit either. But if you are willing, you can take her to lunch when you can or move her out of the house if you can and she’s ready.
Im sorry for your childhood. No child deserves that…. There are things to learn there. Now, wipe the past away. It is no longer for you to carry. Everyone makes their own choices and your mother did too. Staying was her choice.
Look forward and start caring for your health first and foremost!! Spend time with friends NOT complaining about anything, but looking forward to things you’d like to do, nice things.
Let Peace be a part of every single day 🌸 Love and Hugs, Kat~