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It’s not reasonable or sustainable to do this. Person with dementia does not get to call the shots, she is told lovingly and firmly how care will be handled. If you can’t handle her in this, it’s time for professional assistance
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Time to quit this job, I'd say.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Are you working with her in a facility? Or are a paid in-home aid? Or is this your relative and you are providing hands-on care in a home? Just asking for better context of your situation. Frequency/urgency can be a symptom of a UTI so it may be wise to have her tested. UTIs are very common in elderly women and they often come with behavioral changes until the infection is treated with antibiotics. I would start by having her tested. If she doesn't have a UTI then remove all her cloth undies and provide only disposable briefs. Then you will need to ignore her asking to use the bathroom. Is she on any meds for anxiety? If not, this may also help.
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Reply to Geaton777
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dlberns Apr 17, 2025
I am providing 24/7 care for my wife in our home. I get 8 hours of paid respite care each week. She is fitted with a Foley catheter, which works wonders in that she now gets 10 to 12 hours of un-interrupted sleep each night. She sees a urologist and
does not have a UTI. This appears to be one of several compulsive behaviors she has developed, even though we have adjusted her anxiety medications as much as possible. Another compulsive behavior is to repeatedly blow her nose and stack the tissues up in neat little rows. Although gross, it is far less dangerous than going to the bathroom repeatedly. She has Multiple Sclerosis that may eventually weaken her to the point she will legally have to go into a care facility because of the two person lift rule. It will not go well for her in a facility. The bathroom problem becomes more intense during sun-downing.
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She wears a catheter? Is it a urinary indwelling catheter?

Sounds like a uti or some type of bladder inflamation.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Discuss with doctor.
This could be urethritis irritation from the catheter.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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More info from the OP: "I am providing 24/7 care for my wife in our home. I get 8 hours of paid respite care each week. She is fitted with a Foley catheter, which works wonders in that she now gets 10 to 12 hours of un-interrupted sleep each night. She sees a urologist and does not have a UTI. This appears to be one of several compulsive behaviors she has developed, even though we have adjusted her anxiety medications as much as possible. Another compulsive behavior is to repeatedly blow her nose and stack the tissues up in neat little rows. Although gross, it is far less dangerous than going to the bathroom repeatedly. She has Multiple Sclerosis that may eventually weaken her to the point she will legally have to go into a care facility because of the two person lift rule. It will not go well for her in a facility. The bathroom problem becomes more intense during sun-downing."
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Reply to Geaton777
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It doesn't go well, really, for anyone with dementia in care facility. They aren't going to be cured. What is "going well" to you? That she's happy about it? Forget it. You're never going to find any facility that she will be happy about. Ever. She may agree that it's a nice place, the staff are nice and attentive, but she won't want to be there. So drop the excuses to not place her....soon. The care staff in a facility are well trained and very used to every single issue a dementia patient can have. It won't be her favorite way to handle things. It won't be your favorite way to handle things. But it will be realistic.
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Reply to mommabeans
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Since this is your wife and her brain is now permanently broken it is you and only you that gets to call the shots.
And thank God that she has a catheter as you don't have to worry about taking her to the bathroom any more. So when she says she has to go, you just change the subject, and take her for a walk(in her wheelchair) around the house or outside(weather permitting)or offer to give her her favorite treat to get her mind off of having to pee.
And as far as her wearing Depends, you just throw away all of her old underwear and tell her that you bought her some new "underwear."
Perhaps your wife would do well in an Adult Daycare Center as they keep the folks pretty busy with all kinds of fun activities and will keep her mind of having to pee. You can bring her there, or they will pick her up, and she can be there up to 5 days a week and 8 hours a day, and they will feed her breakfast, lunch and a snack, and even give her a shower if needed.
Of course there is a cost but worth every penny, and it will give you time by yourself to do what ever you need/want to. So please check out one in your area.
I wish you well as you travel this very difficult road with your wife.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Catheters do cause UTIs. My Moms urologist tested her everytime she had an appt but they could be 6 months apart.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Does this person feel they have to urinate or do they feel they have to defecate, and when they get to the bathroom do they do either?

JoAnn is correct that caterers, especially for females, may lead to UTIs or urethritis. Moreover, they are irritating to the opening--the urethra itself.

In either case this frequency if it involved urine is something to discuss with doctor. More a mystery if this is thinking she needs to empty her bowel and cannot, and involves your attempts to find the right thing. W/c bound have a lack of exercise to keep all systems moving well.

Do have a discussion with medical regarding this. Good luck.
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