My son says I am in denial about how "bad" my grandmother is, how do I know when to place her?

Talk to a tax expert and an elder law/medicaid lawyer ASAP! The house title changes may not have been in your and her best interest.
Consider looking into board and care homes--usually about a dozen residents more or less, and a less institutional environment.

I guess I'm not surprised but it still amazes me that siblings, like your sister, are able to justify such strong opinions to themselves. She has her reasons for not being more involved and as you know she is paying the price by missing out on some great time over the years with Grandma but feeling it's ok to protest anything you feel is necessary for Grandmas care when she isn't willing or able to participate in that care at all never mind 50/50, she's way out of line. Your grandmother obviously recognized that when she was planning and had full mental capacity because she set things up the way she did, putting you on the deed and later turning it over to you completely. My grandmother left her house in trust giving my mom life use (it can't be sold until my mom decides or passes) because she recognized my mom gave up her own home, making Gma's her life home when she moved in to care for her. My mom lived there caring for GMa for 15+ years before she passed and now 12 years later still does. My mom's siblings aren't wild about it because they have no say and can't get any money out of selling it now, they need to wait and they make that clear from time to time but they also know it is what it is. I know they are torn because they know my mom did give up having her own home to care for GMa and my mom living with and doing all the main care for GMa was a blessing for them so they can't really argue the reasoning but then sometimes they do a little. It isn't a rift between them and my moms siblings came to visit and offered respite once in a while, they were still involved as much as possible given they live hours away (opposite directions) but my grandmother set things up to make sure my mom wasn't ever going to be thrown out of what she made her home and your grandmother has done the same, your sister doesn't have to like it but she does have to live with it. Your grandmother actually went one better by turning it completely over because there is no reminder or carrot for the future, the house is yours and I imagine it's way more than fair given you paid the bills there even before moving in.

As far as your grandmother goes, I'm sure you could care for her yourself if you were to make that your business, your career but it isn't. You have already had to take full time leave and that full time need isn't going to change when your official leave is up, this is not your profession so you wont earn an income for caring for this paitent, you are at the point where your entire life needs to be put on hold to keep her home which means it's time for her to have full time care and the only affordable way to do that is in some sort of skilled living situation away from home. Again while you could make it work the truth is you would be making it work you wouldn't be providing the best possible care and circumstances for both your grandmother and your family anymore. Many elders, particularly when they get so far gone mentally that their surroundings don't matter the same way to them, are much happier when they get to skilled living of some sort. They have other people, peers all around them, activity and people like them not just people who are far more capable. All their needs are taken care of without the guilt of "placing that burden on loved ones" or shame of wanting to hide the bathroom accident. The days are full and activities are easy because they are right there, I have often heard that moving to skilled living gave someone a new lease on life of sorts, they perked up rather than going down hill which is what family expected. I don't know if it will be this way for your grandmother, I don't know how aware of anything she is. But it might end up better overall and especially for her than you think.

Although I agree with the answers given here, I want for you to know that there are some things you will run into when she moves out. She will be disoriented, and may not be able to communicate distress. If you can, search for a place with great ratings given and know that all possibilities will have differences. It is most important that the staff gets "good grades". Also look at the current residents. If they seem happy, then you will have a good clue into how other folks who have already been place have adapted.
Also important is that the place is close enough for you to visit often. This is for you and your son to pay respect to her. She may not remember this sometimes, but you will. In some ways you are teaching your son how to take care of you when your time comes. You have raised a good man, and as a family go through this together with good communication, and take your time to find something that you and your mother can be happy with. God bless!

If the house was placed in your name close to 5 years ago, it might be worth "sweating it out" just a bit longer to reach and pass the 5 year milestone before getting Medicaid involved. If you can get someone to help at home for a little while, that would be good. You might want to check with an eldercare lawyer to see what happens if your grandmother can get into a nursing home using private pay until her other assets are used up if this point comes after the 5-year period. (Maybe someone here already knows the answer to this--would the nursing home already "have their eyes" on the house and try to claim it could have been used to pay for her care if the 5-year point comes while she is still on private pay?)

I quit one job to take another with different hours so I could make a weekly 4 hr round trip to assist my parent. I ended up moving them within minutes of my house and when mom died unexpectedly 10 weeks later I moved my dad in with me. At this time his dementia wasn’t two bad but after 4 months he moved in to a newly built assisted living residence nearby. Now nearly 4 years later he is still there. His has declined quite a bit in the past year and is on hospice. Unless we sold our house there wouldn’t be a way he could have continued living at my house being wheelchair bound the past 18 months. His place is amazing and I visit briefly mostly every day.
You have amazing sons who are looking out for what is best for you and grandma. Check out facilities nearby so grandma can be safe and you and your sons can visit often.

If you're asking yourself this question, then it's already time.

Lassie, you are wise!

Time's up for Gram, hon. You've done enough. If you dropped dead tomorrow, she would go into some facility, think of it that way. This way, you can put her in a facility you have seen, and you can go visit all the time, every day if you want. Otherwise, your health is going to suffer, you life is going to suffer, it's TIME! DO IT! I tell my own kid I don't want her sacrificing her health and life for ME, I will go quietly. Why not? All my friends and family have severely diminished, I can't do all that I used to do, I don't like driving any more. Things come to an end. So it goes.

yes, your son is right. You need to find other accommodations for her. She will be surprised at how much she likes it. I'm sure she doesn't like wearing you out....

I think what you are really asking for is for us to tell you it's okay to put your grandmother in a nursing home. The answer is yes. You have been a loving, dutiful granddaughter and it is time for you to pass the torch onto those who are more equipped to handle your beloved grandmother. You have done an admiral job and it's time for you to rest.

My mom has Medicaid, so if your gma does as well, call them for a listing of incontinent suppliers. Keep the insurance phone no. handy as they will be your best friend at the beginning of all your set up, and all you need is dr's ok. The disposable pull-ups, washable chucks to protect bed will remedy this. I put a shoe rack (pouches) behind her door, in arm's reach to commode with arm touching bed in down position and that next to hospital bed (has a remote). She stands, pivots and sits. All supplies, baby wipes, small garbage bags (Dollar Tree), pull-ups, large Kotex for night time extra absorbancy are in the shoe rack. No paper products go in a commode. Next, I would get dr. to sign off on a hospital bed (twin sheets from Goodwill) - (great for watching tv with head lift or leg lift to help with circulation) I took arms off and put a bedskirt so not so much look of a hospital bed. two shelf bookcase (on crates) on side of her bed facing bed so she stores personal effects, bible, denture cup, hairbrush etc, telephone etc. Shower chair (like bariatric) should be two legs outside the tub to sit and slide with a 6-foot shower head. The transport wheelchair (all 4 wheels are small-remove foot pedals she can walk sitting down) or a rollator, which is a walker with a seat in the middle. All this helps with fall risk. Keep in mind whatever insurance does not cover, check out Facebook or Craigslist even Goodwill. The better she understands fall risk is 50% chance, broke hip is definitely nursing home living, she will adjust to and appreciate the aids to help her maintain a sense of independence. If I were not here, Mom would have been dead decades ago...Best of Luck. Also, I got a Tend Security Cam from Walmart so I have cam on her via my cell in real time and can watch her even in the dark while I am out shopping or having lunch with friends... Lovin it. Got her a hearing aid telephone (CapTel) and is set up with Magic Jack via my internet as I gave up land lines long ago but this way she has her own telephone no. Further, treated her to a 55-inch smart tv in her room. If she isn't good in channel changing, I have found YouTube has a lot of old movies or tv shows that she can binge watch. Ceiling Fans I got extended chains so she can turn lights off and on from sitting position in her room and in the kitchen. It seems to motivate them when they see effort has been made to help them grow old gracefully. Best of Luck.

My mom has Medicaid, so if your gma does as well, call them for a listing of incontinent suppliers. Keep the insurance phone no. handy as they will be your best friend at the beginning of all your set up, and all you need is dr's ok. The disposable pull-ups, washable chucks to protect bed will remedy this. I put a shoe rack (pouches) behind her door, in arm's reach to commode with arm touching bed in down position and that next to hospital bed (has a remote). She stands, pivots and sits. All supplies, baby wipes, small garbage bags (Dollar Tree), pull-ups, large Kotex for night time extra absorbancy are in the shoe rack. No paper products go in a commode. Next, I would get dr. to sign off on a hospital bed (twin sheets from Goodwill) - (great for watching tv with head lift or leg lift to help with circulation) I took arms off and put a bedskirt so not so much look of a hospital bed. two shelf bookcase (on crates) on side of her bed facing bed so she stores personal effects, bible, denture cup, hairbrush etc, telephone etc. Shower chair (like bariatric) should be two legs outside the tub to sit and slide with a 6-foot shower head. The transport wheelchair (all 4 wheels are small-remove foot pedals she can walk sitting down) or a rollator, which is a walker with a seat in the middle. All this helps with fall risk. Keep in mind whatever insurance does not cover, check out Facebook or Craigslist even Goodwill. The better she understands fall risk is 50% chance, broke hip is definitely nursing home living, she will adjust to and appreciate the aids to help her maintain a sense of independence. If I were not here, Mom would have been dead decades ago...Best of Luck. Also, I got a Tend Security Cam from Walmart so I have cam on her via my cell in real time and can watch her even in the dark while I am out shopping or having lunch with friends... Lovin it. Got her a hearing aid telephone (CapTel) and is set up with Magic Jack via my internet as I gave up land lines long ago but this way she has her own telephone no. Further, treated her to a 55-inch smart tv in her room. If she isn't good in channel changing, I have found YouTube has a lot of old movies or tv shows that she can binge watch. Ceiling Fans I got extended chains so she can turn lights off and on from sitting position in her room and in the kitchen. It seems to motivate them when they see effort has been made to help them grow old gracefully. Best of Luck.

We just placed my MIL in assisted living who had nearly all of the symtoms you mentioned except for the incontinence and EVERYONE is much happier! She only lived with us for 6 months but very much MISSED having her own place (wouldn't we all!).  She also wasn't that crazy about my  being that "nagging/advice giving daughter in law" telling her to change her clothes/shower and does much better with the people in the AL facility saying the same thing!  By the way she now thinks I'm gone (not sure if dead or divorced) and my husband is marrying again.  His new wife apparently has the same name and is sort of still me!  I'm not sure whether I want to delve to deeply into where her mind is on all THAT!  My husband thinks it's hilarious.

 She did want us to move in with her but we had no desire to move 3 states away. What I noticed was a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Living with somebody who can't remember anything for 15 minutes, who endless asks the same questions over and over, who needs more reminding than a 4 year old on showering and changing clothes, who cries because she's not in the same town where she's always lived, who thinks some stranger was in the house the night before (it was US), who needs to be supervised in the house because she literally cleans the SHINE off the appliances/pans etc,  etc is just too much for 1 person to deal with with patience and good humor day after day.   It was also visibly affecting my husband's health which isn't top notch to start with  just from the stress.  She's much happier with people her own age who frankly frequently aren't any better at remembering what happened in the past than she is but who cares when they are happily chatting with each other. Put her in a home that feels good to you and preferably one where she might actually know some of the people and you'll all feel less stressed and happier! Our Mom argued endlessly that she didn't want to go in, but when she finally agreed (mind you I don't think she knew exactly what complex she was agreeing to) and we did what EVERYONE suggested which was move the furniture and her stuff in PRIOR to her moving in without her even being there - she thought she had been there for months and was pleased.   It's important to include items which you KNOW were important to her.  Her favorite chair/photos/pictues/etc.  Enjoy your life while you can and let her have some friends her own age instead of just you.

On the whole I agree with Countrymouse. However, if you're looking for a more objective opinion, ask her doctor.

Also, please, please consider if Estate Recovery would be a factor for you. Otherwise medicaid will probably end up taking your home when she dies. Things like joint accounts, trusts, life insurance, etc also all become overly complicated topics....  I understand that such a thought in this time, especially after so many years of strife, seems needlessly difficult, pointless, and even plain cruel.  But, that's unfortunately what's on the table with medicaid.  

Just know that you could take on a lot of risk by putting her into a home.

(The quick version is if her name has been on the deed in the past 5 years and medicaid helps with nursing home (or hospice, assisted living, etc) costs, then you'll need to worry about estate recovery. There are some possible options to avoid, or limit loss, but they vary by state. Best to contact an elder law lawyer _before_ putting her into a home...)

Your granny needs to be in a long term care center. My parents are in one in Panguitch, Utah and they love it. The nurses give them their baths and help them dress if they need it and my Mom does. Dad is 91 years old and he can do everything for himself and he takes care of the garden at the long term care center. You need to have a life and not feel guilty for it. Take the advice and see an attorney so you don’t loose your housing. Good Luck in your marriage.

I am sorry I was rough in my response. Very sorry. I guess my own inner anger towards my siblings reared its ungly head. It is baffling to me how evil so called family will be when money enters the picture. In our case we were barely getting by. I appreciate this time I have to grieve without siblings pushing on me to sell and divide. It is such a meager home and I have been doing the much needed repairs as I cared for mom----alone. They stabbed at my heart a million times over and I am still in shock over it. I do know I honored my Mother's wishes and she very much appreciated it. My grandmother, her mother, was in an awful facility in another state. She had severe Alzheimer's disease. I saw the horrified look on my Mother's face when we visited her. I was equally horrified but only a young girl. She begged me to never send her anywhere. She wanted to be at home till the end. She got her wish. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Did I have to give up my life as I knew it? Yes I did. That is what was best for us. You need to do what is best for you and Grandmother. I beg you to not let your sister dictate much. It is not & should not be her decision. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope he will be able to guide you as well in the right decisions. Prayers to you.

Thank God your Grandmother did what she needed to do to take care of you and your children after she is gone. You & your sons have taken great care of her. What kind of long term care can she afford now? Probably not much. Where will she wind up and what kind of care will she get. Soon your sons will be off living their own lives. Forget about what your sister thinks or feels. She has demonstrated it. A sister should be jumping in to help. She should be telling you not to worry & enjoy your trip. She isn't though right? I am sure she has great reasons for why she can't. They always do. Personally, I feel she gave you her house and of course you have made sacrifices for her as well. Now, when she needs someone the most, you need to stick it out with her. There are care services you can employ in home. Can't afford it? Remortgage the house. I am sorry but nursing homes are not the best solution and long term care facilities cost money. Forget about asking your sister about any of it. You already said she will have a large problem due to the house being yours. Believe me I know. Four siblings totally abandoned mom and I when they learned I was deeded the house. I Took early retirement and took 24/7 care of my bedridden mother for 4 years and I only wish I still had her here to do it all over again. Please, I know it is hard and you want and deserve your own life finally. You are obviously quite bright. Figure out a solution that will be best for Grandma and you.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Grandma, it will be a huge adjustment to not be her caregiver. The saddest thing is that the elders in our lives that give us the most love never live long enough. You are very fortunate to have a new marriage on the horizon to help with the transition.

I also wonder why the absentee sister gets to have any say. Give her this site info and tell her to plan a weekend around it, reading what life as a caregiver looks and feels like, especially when siblings do nothing but throw out opinions and criticism.

Congratulations on your up coming nuptials and your honeymoon in Vegas.

Loveforgrammy, you cannot let your sister, who lives nearby but doesn’t help or even visit very often, to call the shots. You are the family Caregiver and POA, you can decide to get respite care for granma while you and your husband are on a much deserved trip. Unless of course the sister would come and care for granma herself. Either way, you should not deprive yourself of this trip. In fact, even if the sister agrees to come, have a backup plan for respite care (home care or facility respite) “just in case” she changes her plans... Good luck and God bless. Your granma is so fortunate to have you to help her, both now in the home and later when she is in another place, you will continue to be a big blessing in her life. But do take care of yourself. ❤️

Follow your heart.

Call Hospice/Home Health. Not only will they help with some of the burden but they know of programs to assist you. They will also evaluate your grandmother.

I applaud you as I know some of what you are going through - my 96 yo hubby is still home with me. I am going to do a PM to you on your page for what is helping my hubby.

Huggers,
linda

Perhaps your 'thoughtful and advice giving' sister could spend a few days with granny while you take a break. maybe this would let her see what exactly is going on! That is weird that she would protest even day or respite care.? (Sounds like my sibling.) That is who exactly is in denial, my dear. You need to follow your heart. If you think you can still handle this then do it. but, from the sounds of it, it is getting to be a little much for your household. Best to you

First of all - great job! Second of all, sister has no say in what you do with Grandma. You are the one who has been bearing the brunt all of these years. Third, is there not a physician involved who can advise you? Sounds like Grandma is way past the need to be placed in a round the clock care facility. Guilt is a wasted emotion. You have gone above and beyond and can rest in the knowledge that you always have and always will LOVE your Grandma. As others have suggested, see an Elder Atty asap and get the ball rolling. You have lots of things to figure out before you even make the final decision. Start now. June will be here before you know it. God bless!

Your son wants you to have your own life and be around for him. I have a 25 year old daughter and I know that she worries about me. Even though they're all grown up they want their Mom around and healthy and happy. He sounds very mature and I think he is right. You've done your duty to your Grandma and remember placing her in a home is not the easy option. You will still be busy advocating for her and visiting her. BUT you will get some very deserved time to yourself and doing things that please and fulfill you. Don't be a worry to your son. Good luck.

If you have had to stop working to take care of grandma, it's time to place her. You can't stay on leave forever. You need to earn a living and prepare for your own retirement. You also want to start your marriage on the right footing. Wouldn't you (or your new husband) like to be able to enjoy married life without being a full-time caregiver?

I agree that your sister should have no say in the manner. You can't allow her wishes to control your life and your choices.

It is actually beyond the time to place grandma in a facility. I am a psych nurse and this woman definitely needs to be in a facility. Why are you waiting so long? Is it just guilt? Your mother will have a better quality of life if she is placed in sum type of dementia care facility, and then you and your son can go back to having a "life." I think your son is correct, that you are in denial.

You should have a back up plan if your sister doesn’t follow through on caring for grandma when you go on your trip. It is admirable that you don’t want to alienate her but why does she get a vote in the matter when she Isint really doing any of the work? I know she’s family but sheesh. Doe what is best for you and grandma. Good luck

I was relieved when my husband's hospice team more or less forced me to place him in a nursing home. As it is, I have several medical conditions that might not have occurred if I hadn't insisted on caring for him alone for so long.

Why does your sister think she has ANY say in this?

Lovefor grammy..Don't feel bad you have done a wonderful job looking after granma for so long it takes a very strong dedicated person to do this & a big bonus to you for having your wonderful son to help you..The way you are describing granma I think its a good time to look for a place for her at this stage I think it would be beneficial for her & also for you & your son to so it does not come to burn out point & this way you are able to plan your future with your partner. You will still be able to visit her & spend time with her. Good luck in whatever you do decide. Thumbs up to you for raising such wonderful kids.

When did gram add your name to the deed? If within the past five years will pose an issue with Medicaid. Would you be able to buy out grandma's half. Or does grandma have resources to self pay for care? You need to consult an elder law attorney well versed on Medicaid in your state.