My son says I am in denial about how "bad" my grandmother is, how do I know when to place her?
Good Morning,
More than 10 years ago my grandfather leaving my grandmother with no income. I was paying her bills and mine (as a single parent) . When I could no longer afford two houses, grandma and I agreed I would move into her home. She was in her mid seventies then. Over the years her need for care has increased, I didn't really notice until 2 years ago. When she started putting dirty dishes away, and forgetting to change clothes, and some other things. I talked her into not driving anymore leaving me to provide transportation. This year she seems to have gotten much worse, in fact I have been on FMLA since November just to take care of her.
We are now at a point where I have to do most everything for her, even in the sense of thinking. She no longer has the ability to make decisions. Not that she's not there, just that it overwhelms her to think about it. She can still shower herself if I remind her to, and physically dress her self. However I must place her clothes in the laundry basket every night or she will wear the same thing every day. She has renal faliulre so bladder leaks have been a thing for years. She is now losing control of her bowels. Sometimes leaking on herself, as well as when she does make it to the bathroom she leaves a mess everywhere. Commode, floor, toilet paper, etc. I have noticec she isn't brushing her teeth. I almost can't leave her alone in a room.
All that venting (thanks it helped) to say my son now 25 (still lives at home with us, and helps alot) says it is time to place her. He claims that she has reached a point that home care it not what is in her best interest.
I disagree, I think I can still handle it--- even through I am very tired and waiting for an opportunity to have my own life. I beame a mom 2 weeks after high school. Just as my boys reached teens we move in with grandma. Now that my boys are both grown I am caring for grandma full time. Mom passed 17 years ago so I am in this pretty much alone. One son helps alot the other does not, nor does my only sibling.
As her sole caregiver and POA, I am the one to make the decisions. How do I know when to place her?
I hate feeling guilty for wanting to have my own life... but I am 43 and have never been able to just do me.
If I were not here grandma would have gone to a home a few years ago.
I have no idea what to do?
38 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Can we get someone to deep clean my aunt's studio appartment and after that once a month, and check on her well being once a week? Weekly?
- Need to move from Assisted Living to Nursing home for more care. Any advice?
- Husband has been ill for 15 years, I'm wondering what next?
- My mother is 90 years old. Complete brain functioning like a 50 year old. She had bowel blockage is now fitted with a stoma. Any suggestions?
I had to place my dad, we did not have a loving relationship, yet I bawled like a baby and felt guilt ridden for being the one to make that decision. I know how hurt your heart must be having to let go of grandma and let others provide her care. Hugs!!! She needs a village at this stage of her life, you be the one that loves her and visits with special treats, let others do the dirty work. You are not abandoning her, you are giving her the gift of the best care possible.
See an elder law, Medicaid knowledgeable attorney to find out if you must forfeit the house. If you've been paying for many years maybe an Attorney can help you keep it. Do this before applying for aid. It will cost some money but, if you get to keep your home it is money well spent and they can help you navigate the application process.
I know this will be a challenge and want to encourage you to use this website to vent, rant, ask questions or just to know you are not alone. Love and hugs 2 u and family.
Ps: you have obviously been a tremendous mom, to raise a son with so much care and compassion. Great job!
What plans are in place for you after grandma is placed? Are you concerned about where you will live?
It sounds to me like it is time. You need to take care of yourself and get back to your job. FMLA will not last much longer and you probably need all of that time to make arrangements for grandma.
I agree that your sister should have no say in the manner. You can't allow her wishes to control your life and your choices.
Thankfully years ago, when I gave up myhome grandma addeded my name to the deed of the house. Then not long ago when she removed her name. So the house is soley mine. This will be a large problem with my sister, but it was grandmas choice. she refuses a will but as desginate what my sister will get and what I will get. The houe will be the only point of contengtion.
As I work in Academia they have approved me being off for the rest of the academic year. It allowed them to hire a full time sub. So I have until June to figure this out.
My sister, who by the way lives only 12 miles aways and works only 2 miles from our house and only comes to visit about every 2 months . Does not apporve of even respite care. I called her to discuss the idea of a day program so that I could return to work. She adimittly protested.
About 1 year ago my long time partner proposed, we are getting married in May, and have planned (paid) for a trip to Las Vegas. This was done some time ago. Grandma has gotten worse since then.
i was talking to my sister about placing grandma just for the week long trip. Again complete refusal. Now I know that My son and I are the decsion makers, but i do not want to alienate her.
I have suggested she come stay that week. Perhaps having to do the caregiving herself will cange her prospective.
I kow that I will have to place grandma this year, I just feel so bad that I can't take care of her. And I am afraid to not have her. She had been a part of my everyday life since I was a young child.
See All Answers