My teenage son is extremely hateful to me for a parental decision I made. What do I do?

Thanks for the update, 2trouble. It sounds like things are moving in the right direction. I hope a new facility for your mom turns out to be a very good thing!

I'm doing just okay. My husband is being a little more cooperative and he is doing a good job of monitoring his time, his questions, and tracking his school "stuff." My son got his license in September and, to my dissatisfaction, got his car in October. In September though, he needed me to drive him to school (because he didn't want to ride the bus) until he could get his car. I made my husband have "him" ask ME to for help him -- not to have my husband ask me on his behalf. So he actually had to speak to me. When it came to the car. I told my husband the car would be WITH MY APPROVAL. But when it came right down to it, while I was not ready to give in, my husband found a "great deal" and he wanted to grab it while it was still available. So, again, I was sandwiched between my son and my husband who both wanted the same thing. It's not easy to "stand your ground" when it is two against one. I have been speaking to him on a regular basis, without any feedback from him. But I am told that he will hear me and that will make a huge impact. It hasn't yet. On the other hand, my mom is getting to that stage where she thinks she's, crazy, useless and would rather not be here if she has to live this way. She has been in independent living at a local health care facility here and we had put her name on the assisted living list. Oddly enough, we got feedback from them that one may be available and we could have her in by the end of January. Again, oddly enough, this call came right after I had been there only to find her lost in one of the hallways. She was not in her apt. so I was looking for her when she was surrounded by ladies who she didn't know. It was a VERY traumatic experience for her and she is getting lately much more forgetful, frustrated and mostly scared of what's happening to her. Anyway, maybe getting her settled in a new unit will help "me" a lot. I really am lucky to have three siblings that are very helpful. One does her finances, one does her medical/medicinal affairs, and one calls her every single night before she goes to bed. They all live away from here, but can and do come up periodically to see her. But I am the local, so when needs arise, ( and that is becoming more and more often) I am on call! And that happens alot. Back to my son, I don't think any time that I could give him would be appreciated on his part. And "I" cannot make that happen without "dad's" help.

it is not uncommon for a 17 yr old kid to be on the outs with his parents and in fact if your getting along too well its an indication that your being more friend than parent . dont coddle him . let him know there are humans around him with more immediate needs and the universe does not revolve around his dumb a** ..

2trouble, I noticed that you found my post helpful tonight. How are you doing?

I wonder how 2trouble is doing? This thread seems to have died.

One thing that tends to happen in families is "triangling." This is where one person is triangled (or there's a two against one relationship) to do things for other members. It may help to make sure you and your husband are making decisions together and for each other in a loving and supportive way. If that is taken care of, you may be triangled by your siblings; who else can help care for your parent? Are your siblings helping? If not, remind them that they have a responsibility to help with their time, service and even financially, as is needed and as they have resources. If no triangling is going on, I would echo what everyone else has said. Spend time with your son. Negotiate a deal with him where you have a level of obligation to your parent (thus teaching him service and love) but that you won't let that get in the way with him and that you will set aside X amount of time each day/week to connect with eachother. High boundaries, High affection. :)

You don't give a lot of info to go on. I don't know what kind of relationship you and your son had before what ever decision you made that he didn't like. If the relationship was good, then I'd sit him down and discuss why you made the decision. Ask for his input, why does he feel the decision was bad and what decision does he think you should have made. For example, if the decision to move your mother to a care home was what he disagreed with , then you need to explain your concerns about her living at home, the danger of her burring herself trying to cook, the fall risk, the danger of overmedicating or under medicating or the risk of wandering out in the night and being hit by a vehicle or freezing to death. Make sure you tell him that you value your relationship and his opinions, however you also need to make it clear as the parent and caretaker of your mother you have the final say of decisions. Many times teens don't understand fully when parents make decision. Let him know how hurt you feel by his distance and that you would like a closer relationship.

I remember giving my mother the "silent treatment" all summer when I was 15, but I started talking. Silence will not solve any problems he is having with you, and if you stand your ground about the decision you made, then he will have to realize you are the parent and you have to make tough choices. Be a parent, not a "friend" to your teenager. More parents are trying to be friends and look where that has gotten the world. Parents need to parent.

My son was 12 when my mother starting requiring more time and attention. Mom lived 1 ½ hours away and I was fortunate to have her younger sister who could share some of the time she needed a companion. My responsibility became the weekends and any day she had an appointment. My husband worked nights and at the same time was a “Weekend Warrior”.
Those weekends our son came with me, he was on a bowling league so Saturday mornings were his time and then from there we would leave for my mothers and two other weekends he would stay home with my husband helping with our house chores and the last weekend we would all go to Mom’s so my husband could do minor chores for her or spend time with his father and siblings.
The days for her appointments (I was fortunate that I could usually string a couple together on the same day) was like a regular work day. I left for her house the same time I usually left for work and we’d get one appointment done in the morning, go someplace for lunch and then have another early afternoon appointment. When we got back to her house I made sure she was set for dinner and headed home to get our dinner and make sure the husband was up for work.
The real struggle was the last summer she was alive. Our son broke his ankle the weekend before the last day of school and was in a cast all summer. We ended up with a rotation of his friends that would come spend part of the days I was working with him. Mom was demanding more of our time so we spent a lot of days in the car traveling back & forth.
I guess the point was to make sure Mom was taken care of but also make sure our son had time to do what he wanted as a teenager and be able to spend time with both our aging parents and his friends.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this--seemingly with no support either. When my FIL was dying, my husband thought it was best to being him to our home. We had 2 daughter still at home then. Dad had constant pneumonia and coughed all day and night, non stop. And not just a regular cough, a horrible, deep phlegmy "death rattle" kind of cough. He was often bowel incontinent and not only refused to wear depends, he insisted on wearing men's thong type underwear (!) More than once he wanted to go out to eat, only to have the meal cut short because he's had a bowel accident and we'd have to leave--but oh, not before I had cleaned up the mess. When my hubby told the girls Gpa would be moving in, they both freaked out and said they would move out. (They were 20 and 17). My husband and I really went back & forth over this..I did NOT want my daughters to have to watch their grandpa die--but my hubby felt he belonged with us. (Note that hubby travels 80% of the time and never did a single act of cleaning or caregiving for his dad besides taking him out to eat. In the end, dad wound up hospitalized and he passed away. BUT my girls took years to get over the trauma. I would try to never choose a parent over a child (factoring in the ages--of course but my "baby" is 28!) but 11 years ago--no way. Hubby still thinks I am selfish because I said I could not have his dad live with us. Kids need their parents and they also need to know they come first. Someday they'll understand the dynamic you have going on and hopefully there will be closure. Sounds like family therapy is needed. Bless you--having teenagers' moods to deal with along with elderly parents--you can't win! I have struggled, as so many people on this board, with being the "sandwich"--you never have enough to give, and at times, you feel like everyone in the world is mad at you.

Tell Him The Truth. Acknowledge HIS Feelings about all of the issues. NO, I wasn't The Perfect Mom. YES, I Dropped The Ball. I'm sorry. Can YOU Be Part of The Solution. Male Children, WANT To Be -Involved-. Is Better Than Wondering Why Were Left Outta The Loop...A Situation They Paid For ...

I'm sorry, but I am one of the "old fashioned" people that don't think pre-teens & teenagers should be allowed to decide certain things for themselves. Finishing religious teaching is one of them. If parents let kids do whatever they wanted to do, they'd start things & quit after 2 weeks, get frustrated & angry about having to keep up with something to complete it, etc. There is more to life than laptops, cell phones & iPads. If he's been mad at you for 2.5 years because you "made him" finish his confirmation class in 8th grade, he's got a bit of a problem that is going to make his adult life extremely difficult. He's not going to be able to do whatever he wants when he gets out into the real world & has a real job. He's not going to be able to get mad at his boss & not speak to him.

Teenagers think nothing their parents do is right as a whole. They think they know everything & that they know more than their parents. I think that's pretty normal. Don't let that bother you & continue doing what is right.

As other posters have said, it is difficult to understand exactly why your son has been angry for 2.5 years. Anyone that stays angry for 2.5 years over anything needs some serious therapy, in my humble opinion.

I looks like everyone is making an assumption that the OP is neglecting her son, which may not be true. What I hear her saying is that the difficulties and pain of caring for someone with dementia have now been compounded by the fact that her son is being mean to her. Yes, mean. And that's not ok. When I was a kid I HAD to respect my elders; there wasn't an option. The trouble here is that the son feels perfectly comfortable being obstinate. That's actually not ok, regardless of what he may (or may not) be feeling. Further, Dad is not addressing this problem as he should; he's just enjoyng his "close relationship." Both parents need to sit the son down and let him know his behavior is unacceptable. That's my 2 cents. Whoever heard of a child giving a parent the silent treatment, all the while enjoying the free food and lodging the parent provides? OP, you should not be treated this way. You deserve respect. You are the kind of person who cares for an ill parent. You particularly deserve respect for that.

Focusing more time on your mother above your son's needs is not going to help how you feel. Is there not a way to balance the needs of your son and mother? I would put your son at a higher priority and focus on your relationship with him.

At age 17, he needs your attention and support. My son was the same age when his life started going downhill. Husband took a well paying job out of town and my dad took a turn for the worse. I spent way too much time caring for my dad and way too little time with my son. He is 26 now and struggles with substance abuse issues that started at that time. I wish I could redo those days.

2trouble i know your friend the teacher thinks you are doing the right think. im not a mom but i am an aunt and i am taking care of my father full time who has disability problems as well as memory problems. im not going to tell you you are wrong to keep doing what you are doing but my father and i have had a long term tense relationship. he makes caring for him hard and at times im resentful that im giving up my prime years to take care of him. im 24 and my father is 62. my happy memories with him are limited and most of that time was me spent ignoring him because i was angry and him not caring enough to try harder. i wouldnt have any one else taking care of him but theres not a day that goes by that i wish he would have tried harder to bond with me or spend time with me doing something we both could enjoy. now i will never get any of that time back i will never get those memories with him. all i have are a handful of happy memories that i have to hold onto.
what im trying to say is that i know it seems hopeless and you may not have the energy to try but you never know what the future holds. one day you may end up needing him to care for you for some strange reason and while he is doing so he may be wondering why you never tried harder. i cant ask my dad why he never tried harder because his memory is shot but its a haunting question. one i will never have answered. i'll always love my dad but i wish i had felt more loved by him. i wish he had tried just a little bit more to understand. my therapist says that i need to just cherish those memories that i do have and try to let the anger go. its a long process. i hope you and your son build a relationship again. and i hope everything is going well for your mother

Honey, I'm in the sandwich press with you - thus my user name.

Balance is hard, but it has to be present for there to be any hope of harmony at home. Boundaries too. Mom can't get all your best. My mother would consume 100% of my time if she had her way. No amount is enough for her.

Even so, I am an adult who gets to control my day. My family comes first. My mother doesn't like that arrangement, but too bad. My teenagers have needs. My husband deserves time. We need to spend time together. There are activities and errands to run. I need downtime or I will come apart and be locked up myself. These are important priorities. I also have a full time career that matters to me. I would never ask my children to drop their lives because of me. That's unreasonable.

When mom was in IL, I was over there every weekend at least twice to run her around town to errands and see to her every desire. Sometimes it was 3 times a week. It was exhausting. No matter what I did, what I sacrificed, or what it took, it was not enough.

When she moved into the nursing home unit, I cut back to twice a month. All her physical needs were being met and I was no longer necessary to run here, there, & yonder all weekend long. I did not need to do her laundry anymore or clean her living quarters.

She's in secure memory care now, and we still go see her about once a month to six weeks. It depends on what else is going on. She always has a demand list a mile long for things she already has, but I just say "yes mom" and don't feel obligated to jump to it anymore. She has enough clothes. She has enough hair brushes and tooth brushes and socks and shoes and pajamas. It's still not enough. She no longer needs groceries or laundry or trips to the pharmacy or doctor offices. Everything she needs is onsite right there. We go visit to check on her, but the visits aren't long because she always degenerates into ranting and paranoid delusions everyone there is a fraud and out to steal her stuff and kill her. There's only so much of that I can take.

There is no rule about how often you need to go see your mom. If she's in a facility like the ones I'm aware of, there are activities and programs, and all kinds of things to entertain her. She has to be willing to participate and if she isn't, it is not your problem to fix.

Your son is the future and he deserves to get a prime piece of his mom's time. It doesn't even have to be a structured event. Just being together quietly is quality time together a growing boy needs.

Priorities and boundaries. You can't survive without them.

Simple confirmation classes should not have been that big a thing. I wonder, however, if something else was going with him at that same time--bullying or something else that he doesn't want to talk about. I have a good friend that has a "hole" in his memory for part of his middle school years, and all he can recall is his mom telling him to forget about it. He really doesn't want to dig into it, now 20 years later, but he is still very withdrawn and depressive. In general , 16-year olds are in an "independance" mode and don't necessarily want a lot of fussing over, but they are good at pushing your buttons. My older son was 13 when his grandmother spent her last year at our house, and he and his sisters understood our concerns and dealt with it very well. I suspect that there's more going on there that he doesn't know how to deal with.

I am also confused about "I made him finish his confirmation class in the 8th grade. My mom (bless her heart) unthinkably mentioned the fact that she was proud of him but he was breaking her heart."

Is the household of two different religions? Is that why your Mom felt her grandson was breaking her heart because he wasn't following her religion? Did the confirmation classes coincide with something else your son wanted to do? Is that why there is still a chip on his shoulder?

I remember taking confirmation via the Catholic Church but that was light years ago, I don't remember it being any big deal, I don't even remember what grade I was in at the time.

As far as I can tell, generalised dissatisfaction with one or both of one's parents is the default state for adolescents. I'm really sorry you've ended up as the scapegoat, but I also really doubt that it's got anything to do with anything you've actually done.

Look at it this way. He's sixteen now and he's been in a grump with you for 21/2 years. (He's tenacious, I'll give him that). But that locates the change in his attitude at around age 13. I doubt if it's a coincidence that he was probably entering full-on puberty at the time.

"…made him finish confirmation class…" Hmmmmm. Unless "making" him involved physical force, I don't think you can make a teenager do anything he doesn't consent to, graciously or otherwise (in his case, otherwise). And so what if you did insist on his continuing? Did he get a lot of stick from his classmates about being a goody-goody or something? In what way was this a negative experience for him? I suspect that both you and he are citing this subject as the prime example of your crimes as an unsatisfactory mother, when the truth is that he is a little emotional maelstrom all on his own and it is in no way of your making.

I appreciate how unfair it must feel, but it is an excellent thing that your son has a close relationship with his father. Do you have any anxieties about his behaviour or his wellbeing otherwise? If a member of staff at his school thinks all is well, and he's eating, sleeping, going to school, turning in decent grades, engaging in sports and outside interests, has friends and is generally making progress, then rest your mind about him. He'll be fine.

What I devoutly wish for you is that this is a protracted phase which will, in its own time and its own way, pass. It is extremely painful to feel that - there's no other way to put this - your child can't stand you. Everything you say or do irritates the blazes out of them and you end up scared to open your mouth or assume any facial expression at all for fear of starting them up. As I remember it, there's a good deal of strangled crying and door-slamming involved while you stand there wondering what on earth you've done this time. And the mystery that my son's utterly charming, bright, articulate friends turned into beetle-browed hulking monsters once they crossed their own home thresholds…

Don't be afraid to carry on regardless. Look critically at how he is doing overall, and if there are material concerns then get your husband, in his capacity as Acceptable Adult, to step up and deal with them. If there aren't, be glad of it. Your son does need your continued, active participation in his life, of course, but he is not an infant who needs your undivided attention. Be yourself, and let him come back to you in his own time.

I was also forced to complete confirmation in the 8th grade. I was a rowdy, non compliant brat at that point, but also very intelligent and I did not believe the dogma of the Catholic Church (I still don't). I thought I was old enough to judge information and religion for myself (Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't), I was very spiritual but very angry with the way the Catholic Church hurt the boys around me -- I was in Boston and the abuse was well known even way back then) I was mad for a few weeks, but being mad for 2 and a half years over making him take a few classes seems excessive and I think there is something else going on. I don't know all the details but I'd guess he's mad that you put your mom first, and didn't discuss this, and maybe many other family decisions with him. I believe you should put HIM first, he is your responsibility and has only you and your hubby. You won't have much more time with him especially if there is growing resentment. I believe family counseling would help. And put mom in assisted living or a NH, you can still care for her without tearing your family apart.
Angel

I must ask, was it a parental decision or a daughter decision. As others have said our first responsibility is to our children, especially when they are still living at home and in scool. When they get older, have their own families is when we need to step back and enjoy watching them live their lives and raise their own children. At the age of 16 our children need to know they are loved and cared for. It must be terribly painful for your son to have you pick this old, sick woman over him. He is at an age where he is rebeling, (darn those raging hormones) and preparing for life away from you. He needs your support in order to continue to grow into amresponsible young man.

I am more confused by the details! Was the "parental decision" that gave you more time with your mother having him finish confirmation class? How was making his confirmation something that broke your mother's heart. Your husband says it's okay to talk to family members...about what? Does the decision to put mom on the list for AL factor into this at all?

If your son isn't speaking to you for 2 1/2 years overs confirmation, I'd say some family counseling and individual therapy for him is in order. There is something far deeper going on here that drives that sort of dysfunction.

Our first responsibility should always be our own families. As you are both realizing those kiddos grow up and leave home. Make time for your children every day. I am not sure why your son would still be upset about confirmation class almost 2 years ago and why he is breaking his grandmother's heart.. Perhaps some family counseling is in order.

Fix those small problems when they crop up and don't wait until they become major family issues. I am hoping you can get your relationship repaired before he leaves for college. The more distance between you the harder it is to communicate in a open and honest way. Best wishes.

Hi 2trouble, you have my empathy. My dad died four years ago and since then my mother has been my sole responsibility. My son had just turned 14 when his favorite grandpa died (they were really close) and all of the sudden my time was consumed with my mom.

She lived with us briefly, very briefly, as it was unbearable for everyone and has been in AL for 3 1/2 years.

Today, I turn around and my son just turned 18 and he's been accepted at a good college. And while I'm extremely happy about that, I'm also extremely sad. The past four years have been a blur, literally. I feel like I've missed out on so much due to my mother's demands. And now this is his last year at home. It's so shocking how much this hurts. I haven't been able to process the march of time and now it's almost here...and so much to do with finding scholarships and all.

And mom just keeps on complaining about mundane things (pants pockets aren't big enough, etc.) like it's the end of the world! I mean really complains about things that it's enough to drive me crazy.

Now my son is not giving me the silent treatment, but he is pretty crabby a lot of the time. My heart hurts for you and for him. You know that it's not true that he wants "nothing" from you. He just wants your love and attention, though he might not even know that. We 'sandwich' folks walk a very hard tightrope. It stinks being torn between the two, but sometimes I've had to tell mom 'no' when it comes to my son. Or, like the sucker I am, I work twice as hard to try to satisfy everyone and end up exhausted.

It won't be like this forever, and I think your son will eventually come around. Our sacrifices for our moms will someday be seen by our boys as a lesson in caring . It's not like they're neglected due to a drug addiction or a gambling problem.

Even if he's grumpy make sure you give him a hug and tell him you love him. He may reject you, but deep down he WILL appreciate it. The teenage years are hard enough...let alone combined with an elderly parent. Mine doesn't have dementia too bad yet, but she's an extreme narcissist.

If he's still doing okay at school, he's fine. I'd take your friend's words to heart and add a few more hugs and make your son's favorite treats when you have time. I know, easier said than done!

To continue, I have decided to put my mom on the assisted living waiting list. I have three siblings who agree. I spend some time with her everyday, as I am the only one in town. And I am the one she calls first to vent, and to cry, and to fel sorry for herself, and ask for favors. Her memory is not good and notes do not help because she writes the same notes (turning up everywhere) making her all the confused. My son just is not paying me even a glance and wants nothing from me. I was told by a friend I am doing the right thing, and don't change anything. He is a high school teacher at my son's school.

Okay. My son is 16 and has been mad at me for 2 1/2 years. I made him finish his confirmation class in the 8th grade. My mom (bless her heart) unthinkably mentioned the fact that she was proud of him but he was breaking her heart. My husband agreed that it is normal to reach out to family members for support. Now, everything I do is wrong. My husband does not totally agree on how to treat this, and this creates friction. I love both of them very, very much. My husband was raised in a loving and Christian home with a strict father, and I think he doesn't want to be as hard on his own. I am seeing a therspist

What was the decision?

Not to be flippant, but looking back I'd have loved a bit more silent treatment and a bit less arguing from my children. On the other hand, how long has this been going on? Do you think he is angry because he wants more of your attention, or is it just harder on you because you already have enough to deal with?

2trouble, you don't want to wake up some day and say *how I wished I would have spent more time with my son*.

Your son knows you have choices, and he is resentful that you chose your mother over him. You don't want him to carry that chip on his shoulder the rest of his life, and he will if you don't make some changes.

You can pay someone to focus on your mother, you can't pay someone to focus on your son, only you and your husband can do that.

I"m just speculating, because you don't give a lot of information, but I do know that when you are caring for someone with dementia, you end up letting it pull you along. I know I did and still continue to even though my loved one is in Memory Care. When she was at home and then in regular Assisted Living, I was constantly checking on things, taking her food, buying her clothes, paying her bills, arranging for yard care, medical appointments, etc. It can seem to others that you are obsessed and all encompassed by that person.

I would imagine your son may sense that he's not getting as much of you as he would like. Therefore, he's angry with you. I may be off track, but, I would still consider it. I know that sometimes I may discuss issues with my cousin too much when I get home. I have to remind myself to shut it off after a certain hour and not bring things up for awhile.