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She was in a nursing home and missed her cats so much we brought her home. There is no way we can tell her the cat is ok, she will know he is gone. We are planning to have a vet come in and euthanize the cat while we have her out. Then when we get home we will have the cat there and she can think he passed naturally. She is a very difficult person and thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He has been peeing all over the house and it’s very unhygienic. There is no way she can be part of the process because she thinks he is fine and will refuse to have him put down. We thought about saying “oh he’s in the hospital he’ll be home soon” every day forever but I think she is too high functioning for that.

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I think your plan, given the difficulties you fear knowing her, is likely the best plan. I hope you will update us that it went OK. Don't argue with her or anything when you all "find the kitty" comfortably at rest all curled up somewhere nice, as though he simply went in his sleep.

Hope everything goes well, just say you honestly DID feel kitty was unwell, blah blah, and he looks to have gone in his sleep, blah blah. There are times lies are the only comfort left in the face of all the losses.
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Buttercuppie Jan 12, 2026
Thank you very much. We go back and forth with letting her find him passed on or saying, “he is at the vet overnight” for the rest of her life. But that will probably cause her more stress.
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I don't know for sure that the cat is "failing", as it could just be a urinary tract infection or perhaps the cat is disturbed by the major changes in the household, which involve the owner moving in and out. Do you all live together? A vet won't do this for a cat that you don't own, nor should they. I hope you at least tried to find out what was wrong with the cat before trying to put it down.
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This sounds like a tactful plan, but will a vet agree to euthanize someone's cat without their knowledge and permission?
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Sandra2424 Jan 12, 2026
The cat lives with you. The vet does not know who the official "owner" is. It is a family pet and you are the caregiver. I have volunteered at a shelter for years and this plan sounds like the caring thing to do. Please don't take the poor thing to a shelter (kill or not). It would be torture for an old animal. Who would adopt an incontinent 16 yo cat, and no life for her if she has to live out her life in a shelter.
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Sadly your sister is not "high functioning" if she thinks there's nothing wrong with her cat who's peeing all over her house and failing.
It's a shame you didn't leave her in the nursing facility she was in as I'm sure in no time she'll have to return there anyway as no one with dementia should be living by themselves. Period, end of sentence.
You can always bring her cats to visit her in the facility when she ends up back there, except of course the one that will be euthanized.
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Buttercuppie Jan 12, 2026
We didn’t leave her in the facility because it wasn’t a good fit. The care there was subpar and all she did was cry “i want to go home to my cats”. I say she is high functioning because she can still go through her routine of caring for them, dressing and bathing herself and doesn’t wander or use the stove, leave lights on, water on etcWe have private aides to help and remote camera everywhere so she is not by herself. We know this is temporary but we wanted to give her time to be with the cats. She is a bit delusional which is why she thinks the cats are fine. I felt your replay was a little harsh and judgmental but think you for your input.
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Having had several cats in my life, and having dealt with my elderly Aunt's 2 cats one of which also started peeing *and pooping* all over the house -- it doesn't mean the cat is physically sick. The cat can be reacting to a change in routine, which was the issue with my Aunt's 11-yr old cat (and we took it to the vet to confirm no illness).

However, I totally understand the unhygenic and exhausting part of cleaning up after this daily. Have you tried to rehome the cat? Or take it to a no-kill shelter? How old is the cat? Older cats are much more difficult to rehome.

Have you considered taking her and the cat to the vet so that the vet can be the bearer of bad news? Would she remember that conversation? Would she then be more amenable to making the decision herself to euthanizing her cat? You can tell her you are no longer willing to clean up after (and she may not care if she has any dementia at all).

I don't envy you, and wish you success in resolving this situation.
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chestershaba Jan 16, 2026
Not good to take 16 yr old cat to shelter to die in a cage.
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Poor kitty probably has out of control diabetes. (My cat did) I think your idea of home euthanasia and therapeutic fib he passed naturally is the kindest for both her and the ailing kitty.
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The cat is about 16 years old.
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Geaton777 Jan 12, 2026
One of my Aunts' cats lived to 21. If the cat is examined, does your Mom have the money to pay for it? Is someone willing and able to give it medication, if that's what the test results show?

Where was the cat while she was in AL? Maybe the changes in routine of a 16-yr old cat are more than it can handle...?
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Might consider getting her a Joy for All cat. They are not cheap but really do purr and meow like real cats. Some memory care units have them. I bought one for a family member with memory issues and donated it to the memory care unit after the family member passed.
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Beethoven13 4 hours ago
Very kind of you.
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Unless there is something really wrong with the cat, don't euthanize it. It is something can improve her mood and life. If it is necessary and she really is in mold to moderate stage then discuss it with her and explain what the vet said is wrong. She may find being there when it is euthanized that it will help her with saying goodbye. Later if she asks about where it is make up a plausible answer that will cause her the least stress.
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JeanLouise Jan 16, 2026
Poor cat is suffering
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I love animals, but I also think that people are more important than pets and there is a limit to what you should sacrifice to keep an animal alive as long as possible. You shouldn’t have to move mountains to save an ill, aged animal, that you don’t have the bandwidth to clean up after. It sounds like you have a good and humane plan for the animal and the elder who doesn’t need to know what really happened. Good luck!
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