My sister and her husband are the caregivers for my dad. What can I do to help her from far away?

Have you straight out told her what you have told us? Are you his POA... is anybody? And what does your father have to say about all this?

There are several things you can do by phone, email etc -
you can do all of his banking and bill payments
research home care options and local facilities,
educate yourself about his finances and whether he has the ability to pay for care,
encourage him to set up a plan with a financial advisor and/or lawyer who specializes in elder issues and medicaid,
help to arrange for things like grocery delivery, yard work, housekeeping


The number 1 thing you can do is let her know it's OK to stop being the designated caregiver.

You can go 'boots on the ground' to where she is and ASK HER what would help her the most.

And then, if possible, do it, or set it up so you can be 'actively' involved even when living far away.

Getting respite care set up. Having aides coming in regularly to lift her burden, so she can leave and not worry. If she's paying for dad's care and that's a problem, kick in some bucks every month. Or help her to figure out what dad can afford as far as care. Also, she should be getting paid!!

Not to be rude, but a bunch of flowers and an 'atta girl' would make me want to weep if I were caring for my mother FT. It's a brutal, never ending job, even with a kind, compliant parent, you've given up your life for them.

It's never just ONE sib's responsbility to step in for the care of aging parents.

My YB took on mom & dad's care. 24 years with mom, dad died 17 years ago. I plan to give my YB my small inheritance, as do 2/3 of the rest of the sibs. $10K wouldn't make any difference in my life, but if all of us give our inheritances to YB, well, $40K WILL make a difference to him. He knows we plan to do this, and I know that has helped him, mentally, to know that once mom dies, he will have some 'reward' for 24 years of having had essentially no life.

Sounds like sis is 100% in for the long haul. But maybe you can check out NHs for dad if that is something that could be managed. Unless you ASK, you won't know. I bet she IS getting angry and bitter.

Good Luck with this--it would be great if you could loop your brother into this. Your sister probably feels absolutely alone, whether she initially chose this living arrangement or it got foisted on her--the end result is the same. She's burnt out.

The first and foremost way to help your sister and husband is to make sure dad has his life care planning documents done, including and especially durable POA and medical POA. Neither POA has to kick in immediately, they are generally only invoked when the person is temporarily or permanently incapacitated. If none of this has been done but your dad is willing, then please consider researching and hiring an attorney, scheduling the appointment, and maybe even being present for the appointment.

In fact consider researching anything that might come in handy for your sis so she doesn't have to start from scratch. Research topics could include: local assisted living, nursing homes, memory care facilities and adult day care options. You could ask around and research a good eldercare attorney and geriatric care manager. Make little files and share your info with her, show her you are ready to help make these decisions when she wants help.

It sounds like your dad lives with your sister's family? How about the gift of a house cleaning service once a month? If she is someone who cleans to blow off steam then obviously disregard. What about paying to have dinner delivered to their family once a week or once a month? I'd rather have takeout than flowers lol.

Something anyone with appropriate access can arrange over the internet is paying as many bills as possible by autopay and monitoring the bank statements and visa bill for errors/fraud.

Physical tasks (not including physical caretaking of an elderly person's body, which is it's own monumental thing) are generally piddly compared to the mental load of life and caretaking. There are a lot of articles on emotional load, mental load, etc. Being the one who has to mentally keep a million balls in the air, bills, should I schedule an appointment with XZY and when, etc. is exhausting. This is a common problem between spouses with children. One spouse will say "gosh I do whatever you need if you just ask" and totally not understand that figuring out what to do and when is the hard part. Doctors appointments, sports teams, tutoring, that new preschool etc don't fall out of the sky, they take research and care. I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense but helping with the mental load is huge.

Good luck, you sound like you really care and that is huge.

You can offer her some respite time away, and have some premade meals delivered weekly, so she doesn't have to worry about cooking, get a cleaning service to come in at least twice a month(or more)so she doesn't have that to worry about as well, and just be there to listen to her, as caregiving is the hardest job anyone will ever do. It sounds like it's definitely starting to take it's toll on her, so the easier you can make it on her the better off she will be.
You also may have to sit down with her in the near future and discuss a different option for dads care, like placing him in the appropriate facility. Yes that will be difficult, but if it saves your sister from becoming completely burned out, it will be well worth it, as I'm sure your dad would not want his daughter jeopardizing her health because of him. I wish you the best.

I was the youngest sibling taking care of mom with my 2 older sisters living in another state.

First and foremost, she's not angry or bitter at you. She's not even angry or bitter at dad, although it might often come across that way. She's angry, bitter and scared about the situation that you all find yourselves in. And you need to remember, it's not anyone's "fault". Sometimes, people try to find fault when things go not according to plan, and they can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that bad things happen, sometimes through nobody's fault. Doesn't mean we don't have to deal with the fallout - but not everything can have fault ascribed to it.

So what can you do to help? Respite is always a great offer. But even more basic than that - be a good listener. Let her vent, cry, rage, whatever she feels she needs to do without recriminations or "suggestions" on how to "make things better". As Midkid said, ask what you can do to help, and then try your very best to follow through. If she needs help convincing dad of things he needs to do - whether it's PT, or hiring help, etc.- then add your voice with hers in a united front. Please don't undermine her efforts to make her life easier by putting "other ideas" in dad's head, especially if those ideas are going to add more responsibilities onto her plate.

Honestly, I had one very supportive sister, and one no-show sister. I learned very early in the caregiving game whom I could depend on and who was going to be useless. Be the sibling upon whom your sister can depend on. She will appreciate it more than she could ever say - I know I certainly did.

Good luck!

She needs a break, you need to spot her at least once a month. Drive down and take care of your dad for the weekend so that she can have some semblance of normalcy. Maybe you could take on bill-paying for things associated with your father's care or keeping track of his insurance payments. Brother in a different state can do these things remotely so that unless he is disabled cognitively, he can chip in. She's bitter and angry because its a 24/7 job and while flowers are nice and really very sweet, it's not helpful.

set up automatic diaper, wipe, glove, etc deliveries. I take care of my mother who needs all of these things; my sister lives a distance away and has set up automatic delivery of her supplies. It is always a relief to know that she will have the supplies when she needs them, instead of me going to the store to pick them up. It is one less trip of the many (doctors, labs, food and prescriptions) I make taking care of her.

You do not indicate what dad's condition(s) are. But (and you can expect this answer from me) have you looked into Hospice?
You will get all the supplies and equipment that is needed to care for him delivered to her. She will get his medications delivered to her. A CNA will come to the house a few times a week to bathe him, get him ready, change the bed if it needs it. She will get a Nurse that will come weekly to check dad. A Social Worker, Chaplain and other services if you wish. She can also ask for a Volunteer that will come sit with dad while she gets out, or the volunteer can help with some light household work. AND Medicare will provide for Respite for almost 1 week each year. There are other advantages to Hospice as well. AND it is NOT just for the last 6 months, my Husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years.

Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA has programs that might help out a bit or a LOT depending on where and when he served. Well worth calling the local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine his status.

When you are a caregiver it is very difficult to "let go" and let someone else take over because no one will do it the exact way you do it. What I learned is that's right no one did do what I did the exact same way but as long as he was SAFE that was what I was concerned about. Learning how to ask for help, learning how to accept help was one of the difficult things about caregiving.

Great ideas. Make a list of what you can do and ask your sister which ones you should begin immediately. In the middle of a difficult situation, it can be difficult to think of what would help when people offer to do so. Concrete suggestions or even actions are much more likely to be useful. Act like it is your responsibility, not a favor, which it is not.

I lived in another state while my two sisters took care of Mom (dementia and other illnesses) who lived in her own home. They'd drop everything to come to her aid until it was obvious Mom needed round-the-clock support. One sister moved in. I felt guilty I couldn't do more though I came once to stay for three weeks to live with Mom and fix things around her house so Sister could go live in her own home for awhile. I always felt guilty I couldn't do more.

One day, Sister called breathing fire how her daughter, my niece, had scammed Mom of every penny. Mom gave the money freely but Niece relied on Mom not remembering. Long story short, I asked them to get me the POAs for Mom (financial and medical) and I could do all Mom's finances and deal with all the insurance companies, et al. All my two sisters had to do was care for Mom's person and her home. (Side note: from my mouth to Niece's ears, I told her in no uncertain terms if she took a penny from Mom I WOULD call the police.) They still sacrificed a lot, but they were so grateful not to have to deal with Mom's finances or the insurance companies.

I sent them a monthly "statement" (sanitized of bank names and account numbers because Mom tended to throw papers away) so they could ALL see where every penny of Mom's money went.

Could you do this for your father (and sister)? With the internet and setting up auto-pay for bills, it wasn't so bad of a task.

You Should definitely help financially!!!! With all the costs caregiving entails !!!
as well you can pay for some regular home care or housekeeping that would give your sister much needed respite. Make it routine and regular and not a one-off.
telling her what a great job she’s doing or sending her a bouquet flowers isn’t help !!!
no wonder she’s cranky ... she’s exhausted!!! Can’t believe you have to be told all this ????
well you’ve come to the right forum
we’ve all been thru this and have lots ideas ... but an occasion bouquet
isn’t help !!!!

Unless they are very well off, send as much money as you can. Send cash and trust them to spend it correctly. If money is not as issue, be sure to call at least once a day and let them vent to you about all the frustrations of the day. Then thank them deeply and sincerely every day and encourage them.

Continue to do what you are doing - give her moral support - how well she has and is doing. Try and help her find humor in her day - I can almost guarantee she needs to smile and have a good laugh. Make sure she is caring for herself. If possible try and visit more - I know life is so busy. But make a visit and have heart to heart with sis. Ask her what she really, really, really wants? Has caring for dad gotten to be too much - but she feels guilty about saying so because by saying it - it would be failing dad?

My mom's younger sister and husband had his mother come to live with them. The wise woman she was - she told my aunt and uncle that when caring for her was too much they were to put her in a facility and feel no guilt.

Your sister needs to know that if caring has become too much - it is NOT a failure - it means there are not enough of her to care for dad 24/7 (Even if you were there - there wouldn't be enough of the two of you.) Placing dad in a facility near her DOES NOT make her a failure. She did all she could - probably more than she should, but now is the time to find dad a new home where there will be staff present 24/7/365 or 366. She WILL still be his caregiver - but her role will change to that of advocate - making sure dad's needs are met; to smooth out wrinkles and solve problems that crop up from time to time.

Maybe you could do research of facilities in her area and make some phone calls, get their literature, then when you visit - you and sis (and if bro can make the trip) can go and visit your top picks.

Good luck and may your entire family be blessed with peace and grace.

Honestly the phone calls asking how both mom and caregiver are doing meant the most to me. Just those calls a couple times a week reminded me that although we weren’t out and about anymore we were still very much in my sisters heart and on her mind. We laid mom to rest last week, It was my honor to be the one that was by her side the last few years. I feel blessed to be able to do for mom what she would and did do for me. Maybe mail your mom a card every once in a while she would probably enjoy that.
God Bless and good luck.

Does it look like your sister will bear this responsibility for many years? Or is there an end in sight? (That sounds like an awful way to put it.)

One thing that keeps me going with my husband's issues is that my daughters have said that once their dad has passed (his life expectancy is less than two years), we three will take a trip together. That gives me something to look forward to, and eventually start to actively plan. The wrench in my works is that my 90yo father, currently living alone and doing okay, may end up needing me if he does not pass before my husband. In fact, I'd be there with dad right now if it wasn't for my husband. I can't do both.

So, how about giving your sister something to look forward to?

A caregiver usually needs a break to reset and recharge. Is it possible you can come visit for a long weekend where your sister can take a mini vacation to get a break. I think it would do her a world of good. The 'trapped' feeling a caregiver often has can be somewhat helped by just a few days of not having to worry about them and to focus on themselves. If you have the time/money I am sure your sister would appreciate it.

Could you possibly arrange a house cleaner for her , even just once a month ? A spa day ? She is overwhelmed, and a caregiver is a 24/7 job , no holidays or weekends off .

I was the sister in town, my sisters are both half-way across the country. I was responsible for managing medicines, medical care, finances, and two caregivers who provided 24-7 care. I took my turn once a week for an overnight stay as caregiver. That was more than enough to wear me out.
My sisters flew in when they could. When it was a matter of providing company and fixing meals, my sisters would be responsible for my mom overnight. As her care got medically more complicated, they would stay with her, with a caregiver to come in and take care of my mom.
Weekly phone calls where I could discuss my mother's condition with my sisters helped a ton. When they sent flowers it was nice, but did make me think I might be complaining too much. They also called my mom twice a week each, so she had one of us there or calling every day.
I wouldn't push your sister into taking a vacation, or getting in-home help, but let her know that you think it would be wise of her, and would not harm your dad. She will have to acknowledge her need before she accepts the idea. Let her know you have her back, and make specific offers "Would you like for me to research respite care in the area?" instead of "What can I do to help?" Or, "Why don't I stay a week? We can visit for the weekend, then you could take a few days off."
And, yes I got angry and depressed at times. I learned to accept it, the way I accept arthritis, not much fun, but something I can deal with. It is not an easy time, and someone has to bear the brunt of it.

She needs to be encouraged, strongly, to try leaving him overnight. When my stepdad passed away over 1 1/2 years ago, my sister and I hoped our 87 year old mom could stay in the house a few days while we found a placement for her in AL. Stepdad had assured us she could not be left alone. We tried it to see how she would do. One and half years living alone, and doing just fine. We don't let her cook anymore. My sister and I take turns going over to have dinner with her. We make sure she has breakfast food, a salad or other lunch. Then we either take her out or bring in a hot dinner.

There have been adjustments we have had to make as a problem comes up and her memory gets worse, but she is still at home. It's been an interruption for us to each have to plan our day around going over there so often, but it would be SO much worse if we couldn't sleep in our own bed.

Sounds like your sister is just burned out.

I am in the role of the caregiver to my mom who has dementia. I am and have been burned out. Through this process, seldom the caregivers often get overlooked. I admire you for thinking of your sister. I can give a whole list of ideas-as these are things I wish someone would do for me. Now if she isn't willing to get away overnight somewhere, how about the following:
1. Having a meal(s) delivered if delivery is available in their area.
2. Subscription to Netflix or Redbox
3. Membership to BN Book club along with a gift card
4. Gift certificate for spa or nail salon
5. Prepare a gift box that you can send or having one prepared and sent.

Think of what would give her a moment of joy and at least put a smile on her face for that time. Caregiving is a dubious, 24/7 responsibility, so anything pleasant even if it is short lived is appreciated. By the way, don't forget about the spouse, especially if he is supportive of her.

Flowers just won't cut it. Good intention, but doesn't really help. Maybe a few moments of feeling good when delivery arrives.

Call sis and give her some of your time - ask her if she and her hubs would like to get out of the house for a while. You go there and stay with dad. Tell her it's an open offer to use when she's ready - and will be open throughout the year. You will keep her informed of when you/your family makes plans so that her needs and your needs don't overlap. What you don't want is for her to finally ask and you tell her, sorry we already made plans for that week.

What she needs more than flowers and pep talks is help.

Use your strengths. My out-of-town sister calls the insurance company when needed. I hate doing that. That little thing is a big help. She set up auto pay for bills which helped a lot. Knowing there’s another person out there who cares about my mom helps. She just came to town this weekend, and the excitement and fun of having her here helped a lot. I wish she’d come more. I wish she’d come once a month instead of maybe once a year.

I have no suggestions as I am floored that a sister such as you exists. You are so wonderful to think of her and want to help. My sister couldn't be more of the opposite from you. Sorry for this non-helpful post. I just had to tell you how wonderful you are and how lucky your sister is to have you. Your parent(s) did something very right....

I am the one in your sister's position. I've been the main caregiver for my parents because I am the one that lives nearby. My Dad passed away several months ago, and while Mom still lives independently she needs checking in on and company. My 2 brothers and 2 sisters regularly thank me, but its not a big help. And it's hard to think of things to do regularly and remotely.
There are good ideas here already like arrange supply delivery, and take over the bills.
One thing I would LOVE and APPRECIATE is one day a week when I can turn my phone off! I have it with me all the time and every time a message or e-mail comes in I feel I have to at least check. Even at work. Mom may have fallen, or needs something, or she's scared or worried and just needs reassurance. That has been often since Dad died. Or to chat. Or to........You get it, she calls and texts a lot! And she's a night owl. If my phone rings at 2 am I answer. But it's always "Oh honey, I thought you'd still be up."
But someday it's going to be an emergency so I have to answer each time.
If my siblings would rotate I could turn my phone off every Tuesday and they can get the calls one day every 5 weeks.
If you called your Dad once a week and spent 30 minutes on the phone, at your convenience, that will relieve your sister of a 30 minute phone call that day. What to talk about? What's new with you, your kids, your dog, your job. (medical updates don't count). Recall family vacations or events from the past. Talk about a pet. Ask what he would do if he won the lottery. Tell him what you would do. Talk about hobbies, like gardening or fishing or wood working. Ask him leading questions so he can initiate topics. Choose actors you'd like to cast in a movie about your family or a book. (One of our favorites!) Play oral word games.
(I don't recall mention of dementia in your post. That changes everything!)
I have not been on vacation in 4 years. Has your sister? Twice a year arrange to go stay with Dad for a week, or bring him to your house. Sister doesn't have to go anywhere fancy or far if she doesn't want to. A week off spent uninterrupted at home could be a blessing. (Note the uninterrupted part! If you do this you can't be calling sis with questions, updates, complaints, etc. When she comes back is when you ask how in the world she does it!)
Arrange "play-dates" for Dad. Many places have geriatric day care. Research it yourself. Call his friends and see if they'd like to visit Dad, see him at their home, or go out together. Or a friendly neighbor or family friend nearby. Visiting at a friend's can be a welcome change of scenery. Better yet, if he is mobile let them go someplace. Go out for breakfast, or Lunch, ice cream, shoot pool at a local spot, go fishing, see a movie. Is he a birdwatcher, museum lover? My Father just loved to get in the car and be driven around. Once you have a friend, then arrange a driver. If he has an aide they can do it (be sure to pay mileage if they use their own car). Uber, Lyft, or a cab can be rented for a few hours. Even a limo service might have a passenger car and driver arrangement. It doesn't need to be more than a few hours. It might cost a bit since you have to arrange it remotely, but a few hours out for Dad is a few hours off duty for sis. They will both be recharged.
And finally, use your imagination. Constantly asking sis what you can do to help actually gives her another burden. Now she has to think of something. Then figure out what is needed so you can do that for her. Then relate all the info...(sure sis, I'd love it if you could verify something about the new medicine. Call the doc, his number is..., then ask these particular questions about it. When you get the info, let me know what they say".
By the time it's explained she could have done it herself!)
What I would appreciate most is respite. And I bet your sis agrees.
But keep the flowers coming, they are always appreciated!

Call dad, daily if need be, and keep him company, giving your sister a break.

She’s blessed to have you considering her feelings and wellbeing. A lot of us caregivers don’t have such support. All I get from my out of town sisters are moaning, groaning and complaining. They are excellent at criticizing everything I do for our mom and when they were coming to help, it was more trouble than help with their constant criticism. Please consider giving your sister a much deserved break by letting her take a mini-vacation. If not, she’ll burn out and eventually become even more bitter towards the entire situation.

Here are a few ideas:

Hire housekeeping for her so she can scratch that task off her list.

Pay for a grocery delivery service.

Pay for lawn/yard service.

With brother, pay for home health aid to come weekly so she can have some "time off."

Once every month or two, go stay with your dad for a week to give your sister some down time.

Flowers don't make up for hands on care and household maintenance.

Help arrange and pay for periodic respite care to give your sister a break. Help with expenses for maintaining the home.

Ask her! Offer to take over financial duties, balance the checkbook, follow up on medical and insurance needs, research anything that can save her time and effort.

I once asked my sister to research a medical alert for Mom and she sent me a link to a Google page with a list of companies. Not really what I needed!

I was in your sister's shoes with a sister who had co POA 4 hours away. You need to go up and be with her every 6 weeks at least. Go see your dad and just be with her and support her.
My sister came up every 6 weeks to see him and support me once I expressed to her how I needed her involvement. Four hours is an easy drive so don’t say it isn’t. Gift her a massage.
when I read your profile, I find it odd that sister won’t go away with her husband. Have you actually asked her why she won’t leave him with you?
you sound like a genuinely caring sister and for that I applaud you. You can’t help her if she won’t let you. I think it's time for a serious sit down: ask her why she won’t let you relieve her, ask what is it that makes her upset, and ask what can you do to help. The only other option is to set up an appointment either together in person or zoom with a therapist to hash these things out. Your sister should not be angry if she won’t let you help. Something else is going on.
thank you for posting and caring about her.