My sister and her husband are the caregivers for my dad. What can I do to help her from far away?

Have you straight out told her what you have told us? Are you his POA... is anybody? And what does your father have to say about all this?

There are several things you can do by phone, email etc -
you can do all of his banking and bill payments
research home care options and local facilities,
educate yourself about his finances and whether he has the ability to pay for care,
encourage him to set up a plan with a financial advisor and/or lawyer who specializes in elder issues and medicaid,
help to arrange for things like grocery delivery, yard work, housekeeping


The number 1 thing you can do is let her know it's OK to stop being the designated caregiver.

You can go 'boots on the ground' to where she is and ASK HER what would help her the most.

And then, if possible, do it, or set it up so you can be 'actively' involved even when living far away.

Getting respite care set up. Having aides coming in regularly to lift her burden, so she can leave and not worry. If she's paying for dad's care and that's a problem, kick in some bucks every month. Or help her to figure out what dad can afford as far as care. Also, she should be getting paid!!

Not to be rude, but a bunch of flowers and an 'atta girl' would make me want to weep if I were caring for my mother FT. It's a brutal, never ending job, even with a kind, compliant parent, you've given up your life for them.

It's never just ONE sib's responsbility to step in for the care of aging parents.

My YB took on mom & dad's care. 24 years with mom, dad died 17 years ago. I plan to give my YB my small inheritance, as do 2/3 of the rest of the sibs. $10K wouldn't make any difference in my life, but if all of us give our inheritances to YB, well, $40K WILL make a difference to him. He knows we plan to do this, and I know that has helped him, mentally, to know that once mom dies, he will have some 'reward' for 24 years of having had essentially no life.

Sounds like sis is 100% in for the long haul. But maybe you can check out NHs for dad if that is something that could be managed. Unless you ASK, you won't know. I bet she IS getting angry and bitter.

Good Luck with this--it would be great if you could loop your brother into this. Your sister probably feels absolutely alone, whether she initially chose this living arrangement or it got foisted on her--the end result is the same. She's burnt out.

set up automatic diaper, wipe, glove, etc deliveries. I take care of my mother who needs all of these things; my sister lives a distance away and has set up automatic delivery of her supplies. It is always a relief to know that she will have the supplies when she needs them, instead of me going to the store to pick them up. It is one less trip of the many (doctors, labs, food and prescriptions) I make taking care of her.

The first and foremost way to help your sister and husband is to make sure dad has his life care planning documents done, including and especially durable POA and medical POA. Neither POA has to kick in immediately, they are generally only invoked when the person is temporarily or permanently incapacitated. If none of this has been done but your dad is willing, then please consider researching and hiring an attorney, scheduling the appointment, and maybe even being present for the appointment.

In fact consider researching anything that might come in handy for your sis so she doesn't have to start from scratch. Research topics could include: local assisted living, nursing homes, memory care facilities and adult day care options. You could ask around and research a good eldercare attorney and geriatric care manager. Make little files and share your info with her, show her you are ready to help make these decisions when she wants help.

It sounds like your dad lives with your sister's family? How about the gift of a house cleaning service once a month? If she is someone who cleans to blow off steam then obviously disregard. What about paying to have dinner delivered to their family once a week or once a month? I'd rather have takeout than flowers lol.

Something anyone with appropriate access can arrange over the internet is paying as many bills as possible by autopay and monitoring the bank statements and visa bill for errors/fraud.

Physical tasks (not including physical caretaking of an elderly person's body, which is it's own monumental thing) are generally piddly compared to the mental load of life and caretaking. There are a lot of articles on emotional load, mental load, etc. Being the one who has to mentally keep a million balls in the air, bills, should I schedule an appointment with XZY and when, etc. is exhausting. This is a common problem between spouses with children. One spouse will say "gosh I do whatever you need if you just ask" and totally not understand that figuring out what to do and when is the hard part. Doctors appointments, sports teams, tutoring, that new preschool etc don't fall out of the sky, they take research and care. I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense but helping with the mental load is huge.

Good luck, you sound like you really care and that is huge.

She needs a break, you need to spot her at least once a month. Drive down and take care of your dad for the weekend so that she can have some semblance of normalcy. Maybe you could take on bill-paying for things associated with your father's care or keeping track of his insurance payments. Brother in a different state can do these things remotely so that unless he is disabled cognitively, he can chip in. She's bitter and angry because its a 24/7 job and while flowers are nice and really very sweet, it's not helpful.

You do not indicate what dad's condition(s) are. But (and you can expect this answer from me) have you looked into Hospice?
You will get all the supplies and equipment that is needed to care for him delivered to her. She will get his medications delivered to her. A CNA will come to the house a few times a week to bathe him, get him ready, change the bed if it needs it. She will get a Nurse that will come weekly to check dad. A Social Worker, Chaplain and other services if you wish. She can also ask for a Volunteer that will come sit with dad while she gets out, or the volunteer can help with some light household work. AND Medicare will provide for Respite for almost 1 week each year. There are other advantages to Hospice as well. AND it is NOT just for the last 6 months, my Husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years.

Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA has programs that might help out a bit or a LOT depending on where and when he served. Well worth calling the local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine his status.

When you are a caregiver it is very difficult to "let go" and let someone else take over because no one will do it the exact way you do it. What I learned is that's right no one did do what I did the exact same way but as long as he was SAFE that was what I was concerned about. Learning how to ask for help, learning how to accept help was one of the difficult things about caregiving.

I was the youngest sibling taking care of mom with my 2 older sisters living in another state.

First and foremost, she's not angry or bitter at you. She's not even angry or bitter at dad, although it might often come across that way. She's angry, bitter and scared about the situation that you all find yourselves in. And you need to remember, it's not anyone's "fault". Sometimes, people try to find fault when things go not according to plan, and they can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that bad things happen, sometimes through nobody's fault. Doesn't mean we don't have to deal with the fallout - but not everything can have fault ascribed to it.

So what can you do to help? Respite is always a great offer. But even more basic than that - be a good listener. Let her vent, cry, rage, whatever she feels she needs to do without recriminations or "suggestions" on how to "make things better". As Midkid said, ask what you can do to help, and then try your very best to follow through. If she needs help convincing dad of things he needs to do - whether it's PT, or hiring help, etc.- then add your voice with hers in a united front. Please don't undermine her efforts to make her life easier by putting "other ideas" in dad's head, especially if those ideas are going to add more responsibilities onto her plate.

Honestly, I had one very supportive sister, and one no-show sister. I learned very early in the caregiving game whom I could depend on and who was going to be useless. Be the sibling upon whom your sister can depend on. She will appreciate it more than she could ever say - I know I certainly did.

Good luck!

I lived in another state while my two sisters took care of Mom (dementia and other illnesses) who lived in her own home. They'd drop everything to come to her aid until it was obvious Mom needed round-the-clock support. One sister moved in. I felt guilty I couldn't do more though I came once to stay for three weeks to live with Mom and fix things around her house so Sister could go live in her own home for awhile. I always felt guilty I couldn't do more.

One day, Sister called breathing fire how her daughter, my niece, had scammed Mom of every penny. Mom gave the money freely but Niece relied on Mom not remembering. Long story short, I asked them to get me the POAs for Mom (financial and medical) and I could do all Mom's finances and deal with all the insurance companies, et al. All my two sisters had to do was care for Mom's person and her home. (Side note: from my mouth to Niece's ears, I told her in no uncertain terms if she took a penny from Mom I WOULD call the police.) They still sacrificed a lot, but they were so grateful not to have to deal with Mom's finances or the insurance companies.

I sent them a monthly "statement" (sanitized of bank names and account numbers because Mom tended to throw papers away) so they could ALL see where every penny of Mom's money went.

Could you do this for your father (and sister)? With the internet and setting up auto-pay for bills, it wasn't so bad of a task.

A caregiver usually needs a break to reset and recharge. Is it possible you can come visit for a long weekend where your sister can take a mini vacation to get a break. I think it would do her a world of good. The 'trapped' feeling a caregiver often has can be somewhat helped by just a few days of not having to worry about them and to focus on themselves. If you have the time/money I am sure your sister would appreciate it.

Use your strengths. My out-of-town sister calls the insurance company when needed. I hate doing that. That little thing is a big help. She set up auto pay for bills which helped a lot. Knowing there’s another person out there who cares about my mom helps. She just came to town this weekend, and the excitement and fun of having her here helped a lot. I wish she’d come more. I wish she’d come once a month instead of maybe once a year.