My siblings and 14 of their kids want to visit my 90 year old dad all at once. He can’t tolerate that much noise. How can I stop it?

Are they vaccinated or not? You do not state that status and unfortunately, other posts are stating that.
You have to be the advocate for your father and do what he wants to the best of your ability. Many great ideas posted here. Be strong and keep him first in your actions to protect him.

They're unvaccinated , he's vulnerable .
Buck up .
Speak to everyone on zoom if possible , or the ringleader. Ask them if they want him to die . Point blank ask them if endangering him is worth the visit , or would they like him to live out the natural span of his life .
Tell them they're endangering him and though it's understandable they want to see him as he's elderly , seeing him may remove him from their lives prematurely .
See if they will then compromise with a reunion in a park or beach , somewhere open air where he can see them without close contact. If they object , ask again : do you want him to die ?
Grind it in , don't be afraid . Let them know that though it is hard not to see their loved one , staying away or seeing him in groups of two from a distance is showing love the best .
Tell them you didn't work this hard to keep him safe to have it all fall to pieces now .
Explain to them that if they love him , they will stay in a hotel so he is safe .
Explain to them that if they love him they WILL wear masks and respect your fears about this VERY serious pandemic and the effect it has on the elderly.
" I know you love dad so I know you understand my concerns , right ? " manipulate their behinds .
I had to do this to a relative who hadn't seen my grandmother in 12 years and wanted to pop by after coming from the US. She showed up and the first thing she said was " I can't wait to hug her " oh ? I made her stand in the yard outside mamas bedroom window and mama had no damn idea who she was . Monica called me paranoid , butter wouldn't melt in my mouth , honey. I said " I'd rather be paranoid and have mama safe with me for longer than careless and watch her suffer and die " That shut her up . It was worth it .
Keep at it , a calm tone of voice always , no shouting : if you love him...do you want him safe ....find out how many elderly people have died in your region from covid and have that stat ready . This shows you've done research and that you're not talking out of your @$$.
Always calm , insistent by being firm .
If this doesn't work then they don't give a d*** about him and you should take him far away on a drive on the day they say they're arriving, Either to your home and lock up or book a hotel and don't look back until they're gone.

Good luck .
By the way , this makes me so angry in your behalf my heart is racing . I know how you feel . Stay strong and safe . Much love.
L

get a calendar and work things out so that only so many on one day then skip a day for him to recover, then plan another couple to show up. if they can't do that then they have no compassion for your father. maybe you can get him on face time (or whatever) and have them all in the same room on the other end. then let him tell them face to face thru that facetime thing that he does NOT want them all at one time. AND if they still plan on doing that.......find out what day and take your dad on a trip to your place. then if they want to come visit, they have to go by YOUR rules............wishing you luck. some people just don't get it though.

I assume that you don’t really want to break ties with your entire family which is the likely result of these “lockout” and absconding scenarios other posters have proposed. Who is the natural leader of this group and who is organizing it? Set up a zoom call with these folks and rationally discuss the plan, your father’s physical and mental status, his personal desires, the sleeping arrangements, food prep, etc. It won’t take long for the planner and leader to see how unrealistic the plan is. If necessary, ask for a complete written run down of the people who will be visiting, their vaccination status (no unvaxed!) where they will be sleeping or staying and make it completely clear that the leaders will be 100 percent responsible for bringing all the supplies, food, bed sheets and all of the cleanup. Then tell them you are going to be out of town for the duration of the visit and the planner and leader will be 100 percent responsible for your dad’s care during that time. Be nice about it but let them know they will be completely on their own before, during and after the visit. Like all pie in the sky gatherings like this, about half the people will drop out, giving the leader and the planner an excuse to cancel the visit or pare it down to a manageable size. If this doesn’t work, your dad should get “sick” about four days before the visit, necessitating you to cancel your trip out of town and their travel plans.

Likely, this planning discussion should lead you in the direction of hotels and accommodations where the whole group can stay. What they really want is to have a big family reunion and that’s a good thing. The vaccinated people should be allowed to visit him in small groups in his own home or even take him to the hotel for a short visit if he so desires. If this is the direction your conversation takes you, you can hold off mentioning your intention to go out of town and regulate the family’s access to your dad while they are there.

You might need to think outside the box here, especially if they don’t listen to and heed your advice. This is my suggestion—when then arrive, ask the kids to play outside for a while. Maybe provide chairs, some games and toys, and ask that they take turns to visit Dad. Groups of three, for example. Make it an outdoor garden party, and explain that Dad prefers to see people in groups of 3 so that he can give each person quality time and undivided attention. This is diplomatic way of achieving some sense of peace and order.

I don't understand why a lot of you are talking about small group visit and such. She said NONE of them have had the shots. They shouldn't be allowed anywhere near him.

They haven't had their shots? NO WAY are they to come. Apparently they want him dead. No park, no restaurant, no visit of any kind. Not even through a window as these jerks would probably try to just walk in. And the fact they want to stay with him? I'm sorry but in this case let them know that NO means NO. Let them no that they won't be allowed to come in the house, they CAN'T stay with him and they can't even see him because they haven't had their shots. This isn't a "loving" visit. These people don't care about him at all. I wouldn't let them in the house even if he's not there as they could leave germs behind. Lock the doors and take him home with you until they go away. If they surprise you by just showing up call the police and have them remove. Do what others have suggested and get a note from the doctor to show the police. I know dad want's to be nice but you have to stand up to this so called family and be his protector. Even if it means these crazy people never talk to you again. Considering what they are planning this is a good thing.

You probably have time to get a chain put on the door/s. You know, the sort you can open a few inches to talk, but you have to close the door and unhook the chain if you want to open it all the way. That gives you a better chance of letting in 2 at a time – if you want to.

They aren’t listening, and dealing with them at the door will be very difficult if you can’t open it at all. The only alternative might well be calling the police, which is not going to be at all nice for anyone, including Dad.

I think Beatty is remembering a suggestion I made once before: put someone in charge of organising the rabble, with the responsibility to enforce it. Still worth a try.

If they are coming from all-over, yes it might be a nice reunion for them, as well as a chance for a few at a time to see Dad. My far-flung sisters and I had an enjoyable reunion bed-side to mother in hospital - which sounds awful but it was a quick problem with an immediate recovery and she was feeling OK. Ask the organiser to set up a proper reunion somewhere suitable, which does NOT include Dad's house.

I remember as a child going to visit my grandmother who had my great grandmother living with her. We were a rambunctious bunch! There were strict boundaries and we had no problem complying. Dede had “her” sitting room. We were not allowed in without an invite and an adult present. Time with Dede was restricted even though we loved to be with her. When we were in the room with her we had to use soft voices and sit or move quietly. And we she had had enough she could give a quiet signal to the adult and we would have to leave whether we were ready or not. Visitors were spaced out to give her a rest. She had a glass door so she could watch us without being disturbed and we have to keep noise down in the neighbouring room as well. Outside if we needed to cut loose. All these things were explained carefully to us and the rules were stuck to by everyone. We treasured her all the more because she was fragile and special and needed our care and consideration.

Advise that visitors from farther away could stay in hotels or camp in the garden. Perhaps borrow or hire some gazebos for shade etc. Visitors are responsible for their own catering arrangements.

It can work but boundaries have to be presented clearly and stuck to.

I love the idea of taking Dad to a quiet place..someone else's home or a lovely hotel while they visit and perhaps then take him to see the large family for a short visit then remove him from the noise. At 70 I find large parties a bit overwhelming after living alone and retired for 5 years. OR someone just say NO.as my moms POA I told everyone..2 people at a time only……it is his home and he can not tolerate the disruption. If he has any cognitive decline it is recommended two people at a time for visits..with Dementia patients they recommend 2 people and only 30 minutes of a visit! Good Luck…a challenging problem indeed…

Can your father write a note to them telling them he would like to see them but in small groups, as he cannot follow conversations of multiple people and he doesn't want people staying in this house. If so get him to write letters to each adult concerned and send them for him. If he can't do it himself ask him if her would ask him if he would like you to do so, print them off and and he can sign them.
This is grossly selfish and ignorant of the needs of an gentleman of his years by those concerned. Personally I would be very willing to have them removed by the police if they turned up and it was distressing him as a case of elder abuse. You will no doubt end up in the wrong with family but you never will be, you will be carrying out his wishes and what he can cope with.
Of course he could consider going to a facility for a period of respite when then are due to visit and numbers will be controlled by the facility. Dad gets peace and something he can deal with and they can stay in his house and do some odd jobs / chores ready for his return........

My sister did this kind of thing to my elderly mother by piling 4 grandchildren under the age of 4 into her little apartment every weekend. I stopped it. My mother thanked me until the day she died. My sister has not spoken to me in years now. Cheap price to pay for my mom's sanity and peace of mind.

Option 1: Book dad a hotel. Tell the family he won’t be home but you hope they enjoy their reunion.

Option 2: Work with them so dad has his getaway space while they’re visiting.

You're presenting a scenario that feels like there’s another side to this story.

Why do all 16 want to come at once? Are they afraid this will be their last time? Is there a history of family reunions? Do they have plans to keep the commotion down? It’s not like most houses accommodate 16 guests, so are they planning to stay in a hotel and visit dad in small hellos)?

Mostly, why are 16 family members willing to defy and upset dad … unless he never told them no.

Help him to call your siblings and tell them "no." He will also need to tell them "no huge group reunions" and the number of people he can tolerate at one time. If they want a reunion, then they should stay in hotels and make arrangements to visit your father in a way he wants. If they show up, he needs to tell them they can't stay - and call the authorities if need be.

No one who is unvaccinated is allowed to visit Dad. Period -- full-stop. At this point no one can get fully vaccinated before this trainwreck occurs, so it's on you to call them and be the bad guy.

I'm so fed up with people who act like Grandma and Grandpa are the way they always were, and if they aren't, they'll just perk up once they're blessed with a visit from the clueless ones.
The fact that they're willing to risk killing him is beyond the pale.

If you lay down the law in no uncertain terms and still think you'll be ignored, I suggest you get Dad out of the house before the pests intend to descend upon him and take him to your house for a short time. What they're proposing is tantamount to attempted murder as far as I'm concerned.

Definitely tell them that everyone who enters the house must be vaccinated. Young kids must wear mask at all times. You want to see proof of the vaccine before they come, as well. I'd even go a step further and say - also need to have a negative covid test 24 hrs before arrival as well. That might weed out some of them.

Why not recommend a hotel that you could rent meeting room? Cater a lunch and everyone can spread out to eat and visit. They get to see dad and he can go to room and lay down or seclude if all the people become too overwhelming. Just tell them this arrangement will be easier for him than to be closed up in a house with 16-18 -20 people. I mean, does he have a house big enough to sleep that many people?? If they really go through with it, I'd be there to remove him from the big gathering and put him in his room w/door closed for privacy. Get his room set up so he can watch tv, read or whatever he usually does in the living room. If he won't tell them no - not much you can do about it...EXCEPT...for the covid precautions. I would demand those if you are the caretaker. He doesn't need to catch it and you don't either. Ask all of them who will be stepping up to see him ALL the way through an illness like that if they happen to bring it with them.

I faced a similar situation with my hubby's grandchildren when he was in hospital after surgery for the subdural hematoma. The granddaughter who is a first class DRAMA QUEEN, texted me demanding to know which hospital he was in so they could come visit. I explained that he didn't want any visitors as he hates to have people see him when he's ill. Long story short, the Drama Queen, her 2 brothers, the girlfriend of one brother and their paternal Grandmother showed up en masse. Hubby didn't have a clue who anyone was, DRAMA Queen burst into hysterics and ran out of the room. I ripped them all a new bodily orifice, telling them that for 6 years they caught the city bus across the street from our house and they couldn't be bothered to stop and see him. I told them they had 30 seconds to leave his room or I would have the nurse call security. Meanwhile, hubby is puzzled asking who are these people, why are they here.

So my advise is grab your daddy and head out of town the weekend they are coming. Don't tell them. Just do it. Sending you strength to combat those idiots.

Sounds like you and Dad should not be home on the day they plan to visit!

Dad needs to speak up and tell your siblings he would love to see them all, but not all on the same day. The other option is to bring Dad to one of their houses for a 4 hour visit, then take him home.

To get right to the crux of your question of how to stop them visiting at his home, when you've done all you reasonably can, you can make sure you are there when the siblings and grands show up, check all the doors are locked, and do not open the door.

You may choose to pretend nobody is home and have the blinds drawn and then not answer the phone. You may make the hand gesture that seems most appropriate from behind the front window. You may post a nice note on the door saying you'll be meeting them at X park or Y restaurant at Z time, or if you don't feel like entertaining people who can't apparently listen or think then don't. You have the right to call the police to have them moved along if they're causing a public nuisance on the porch.

Please let us know how this story ends and what worked or didn’t work to intercept this train wreck.

Some people… I swear.
I think I’d put together an email since there are so many of them and state very clearly that your dad will not be receiving visitors at home. End the email with something like, “This decision is based solely out of concern for my dad’s wellbeing and his peace of mind. It is also his request. I’m sure you want to show him the same respect and not shake him up with a visit he is unable to deal with.”

SavingMom,

Thanks for your response to my posting.

I truly do feel as if their interests in your dad is really about themselves. If they were sincere about your father’s interests, they certainly wouldn’t want to impose on him. They would also apologize for their behavior. Your dad doesn’t owe them any accommodations. .

Your dad should be able to feel as if his home is his safe haven. Could it be that they wish to take advantage of your dad because they don’t see the need to pay for a hotel room? If a person can’t afford to pay for a hotel they should stay home. Even worse, are people who have plenty of money and are cheap and don’t care if they are an imposition on others.

No matter what the situation is, they shouldn’t be putting your dad on the spot like they are. Everyone has annoying relatives. I am sorry that your relatives are so insensitive.

Wishing you and your dad all the best.

I suggest getting an order from the doctor that everyone who visits his home is vaccinated and no more than ? people at one time for no longer than ? minutes. Provide a copy to your visitors and tell them they need to make arrangements to comply with the doctor's orders. Make several copies and have them available at Dad's home. If the visitors refuse to comply with the doctor's orders and your father's requests to leave, call the police and ask them to evict them from the premises. If your father has difficulty handling discord in the moment, consider asking him to sign a letter stating he only wants to visit a couple of relatives at a time he (or you) can show to the police. If it comes to forcing them to leave, don't allow the situation to escalate into a shouting match or a discussion at Dad's house. Stay calm and only state the doctor's orders and the consequences of not respecting them.

I few years back my GF thought it was a good thing to bring her 7 grandchildren to her Moms house for a visit. 10 people in all. The children we all under the age of maybe 8. Her Mom was in her70s at the time and suffered from arthritis. The house had 2 bedrooms. One was a brother's that lived with Mom (sort of a caregiver) and the other Moms room. Then there was a den with a chair that made into a twin bed. One daughter spent the night with her 4 here. First thing in the morning K was off to grandmoms house. I offered breakfast, no going to have breakfast with grandma. That poor woman had an extra 10 people in her home. A house with a small living room, dining area and kitchen and one bath. Kids were sleeping all over the floor. I think Mom had to share her bed with GF. Yes, brother and Mom were glad to see them go.

Well, they wanted to do it again but this time brother put his foot down and said NO. If they came, they would have to find other accomodations. Why? Because Moms septic system could not take that many people. And it was true not an excuse.

I don't see why your family thinks they can bombard a 90 yr old. The elderly do not enjoy this type of thing. A suggestion would be to let Dad stay with you and take him over to visit. When he has had enough, he can call you to pick him up.

I hope these people realize they are on their own. Dad nor you will be doing the cooking. So, they will need to feed and prepare meals themselves. They should leave Dads house clean. Dad can't do it and its not your job. Make it hard for them, not easy. Maybe it will deter them from doing it again.

Dear gosh - I hope you are able to get in touch with his doctor 🤞🏼.
Even after moms stroke it took time for her to have more people in with her and we had to work our way up to a few but that is far too many. I can feel how anxious he is already and feel awful for Him and you. I am hoping there is a way that the doctor can help and guide you - even a social worker (maybe the dr can put in a request). Praying for a good resolution for you all.

My DHs children & their children all wanted to descend on us at the same time and we told them SORRY BUT NO. You can all stay at a HOTEL and we'll try to come by to say hello for a while, but that's it. My DH has been having health problems & there is NO WAY we are willing to put up with a hoard of young children destroying our home & running wild. You and your dad MUST get on the phone TOGETHER and let the siblings know they CANNOT come and stay in dad's home PERIOD. His doctor forbids ANYONE coming who is not vaccinated, number 1, and number 2, dad is not up to having guests at this time. This is the truth too, about the vaccines.........my DHs doctor said his DD could absolutely NOT stay with us this past weekend when she & her 5 y/o came to visit b/c neither of them are vaccinated. Now, this has nothing at all to do with our opinion of vaccines; it is up to each individual as to whether they want the jabs or not. BUT, if there is an at-risk person in the home, then it is MANDATORY that any visitor coming to stay in their home be vaccinated, opinions aside. Having people staying in your home & sharing your toilets, towels and utensils is entirely different than visiting them in a hotel setting or outside for a short period of time.

Present a united front, together, you and dad, to your siblings and put your feet down HARD. If they wind up coming anyway, don't answer the front door when they knock. Tell them, from the window, that you thought you made yourselves perfectly clear when you told them over the phone that they could NOT COME to dad's house for a visit.

No is a complete sentence. It's high time they understand the meaning of it.

Is your dad vaccinated? I HOPE SO!

Has HE told them no? Or do you have to be the one to do it? Would they listen to HIM?

Here's an idea -- if dad is vaxxed (and you, too), consider having him come stay with you during their time in town (that is, if they are still going to come). And if they come to your house and become abusive (knocking, banging on doors and won't give up), then call the police.

My final act would be to take your dad to an attorney and have him change his will to cut all of them out of it.

Some people are better to be out of one's life altogether.

I would ask to eliminate any time! None of the visitors is vaccinated.

Good Lord......... an entire pack of imbeciles!! Make sure your Dad's doctor knows that they are unvaccinated. He can make that a basis for limiting their time and closeness..... which means they can't stay at Dad's house.