My siblings and 14 of their kids want to visit my 90 year old dad all at once. He can’t tolerate that much noise. How can I stop it?

Good grief. How incredibly stupid. Who's the leader of this pack? And how long have you got before they plan to descend on him?

Ask his doc for a note.

Is dad able to talk to them himself and just say no?

Why don't you suggest a family gathering at a park or restaurant. This way everyone can visit for a while and then go home, back to their hotels. Dad's had a short visit with the clan and you and he can leave when you want..

They sound very selfish. You know your dad better than they do and they should certainly respect you and your dad’s wishes.

You have told them that your father doesn’t want to have a house full of people. They aren’t doing anything for your father’s benefit. This behavior is for their own benefit. They should meet up at another location and visit with your dad. one or two people at a time

They should call you before hand. If they call your dad, he may be caught off guard and be embarrassed to say that it isn’t a ‘good time’ to visit. If they call you. You can check with your dad and he wouldn’t be uncomfortable telling you the truth as to how he feels about having company at that time.

Sounds like it could be a covid super-spreader event.

Someone a while back also had this issue + the crowd expected food & beverages laid out for their consumption, despite being fully aware of the elder's advanced dementia, declining health & the full-time caregiver's bone-crushing exhaustion. They just didn't give a hoot about anyone but themselves it appeared.

I think the best suggestion I remember was the 'ring-leader' being called + emailed with clear boundaries of what the invitation was ie X amount of people, for X amount of time, byo all snacks. Also made clear were the consequences ie if more than X arrive, some will have to leave. Guests must leave on time & will be shown the door. If the 'ring-leader' accepted this *In Charge* role, they fully accepted the responsibility to enforce it also.

I wonder how that turned out?

If there is a natural strong personality (ring-leader / bossy boots) you have a winning deal! That person may relish being put in charge as crowd control.

Basically if your home - your rules (or Dad's home - Dad's rules apply).

If they don't like it *tough toenails*. They can party on somewhere else for their.grand reunion.

If dad can tell you that he can't deal with that many people, he needs to tell them.

So sorry that your siblings are so far removed from dads life that they don't know he can't cope with a herd of people descending on his home.

I agree 100% with apek924, that you can have a family gathering at a local park or restaurant, and then they can all go back to their hotels.
I know that you say that your dad has voiced his concerns to you about it, but have you then shared with the rest of your family what he said? If not, you need to do so, as it's dads house and he gets the final say.
I would give your family the option of either the park or the restaurant, and if they don't like it, then you must tell them that they cannot come. Good luck.

Would an email with links to local motels be obvious enough?

Dad setting his own boundaries may be a little too hard for him... Wish we could do it..

Which poster was it that advises "I said no. Maybe you didn't hear me? I said no".

They obviously don't understand or don't wish to understand because their fun is all that matters to them. The doctor's orders are good. Tell them the doors will be locked and that he will not be there.

SavingMom, I'm so sorry for this situation.

I don't know how but whoever is in charge needs to be made to understand the seriousness of what they're planning. We're talking about real sensory overload for a man of 90 who is used to very little company - it would be the equivalent of strapping somebody to a chair under interrogation lights and turning the volume up to 11.

Use block capitals or whatever emphasis you like, they need to get it. THIS WILL NOT BE A LOVELY OCCASION FOR THE DEAR OLD BOY. THIS WILL BE HELL ON WHEELS. YOU WILL HURT HIM.

That they're prepared to do it in spite of his objections to me shows that they simply haven't grasped the reality of the issue. He is not being modest or self-effacing, he is dreading the whole idea. They must have their grand jolly reunion elsewhere and visit him briefly and in small, quiet groups.

Good Lord......... an entire pack of imbeciles!! Make sure your Dad's doctor knows that they are unvaccinated. He can make that a basis for limiting their time and closeness..... which means they can't stay at Dad's house.

I would ask to eliminate any time! None of the visitors is vaccinated.

Is your dad vaccinated? I HOPE SO!

Has HE told them no? Or do you have to be the one to do it? Would they listen to HIM?

Here's an idea -- if dad is vaxxed (and you, too), consider having him come stay with you during their time in town (that is, if they are still going to come). And if they come to your house and become abusive (knocking, banging on doors and won't give up), then call the police.

My final act would be to take your dad to an attorney and have him change his will to cut all of them out of it.

Some people are better to be out of one's life altogether.

My DHs children & their children all wanted to descend on us at the same time and we told them SORRY BUT NO. You can all stay at a HOTEL and we'll try to come by to say hello for a while, but that's it. My DH has been having health problems & there is NO WAY we are willing to put up with a hoard of young children destroying our home & running wild. You and your dad MUST get on the phone TOGETHER and let the siblings know they CANNOT come and stay in dad's home PERIOD. His doctor forbids ANYONE coming who is not vaccinated, number 1, and number 2, dad is not up to having guests at this time. This is the truth too, about the vaccines.........my DHs doctor said his DD could absolutely NOT stay with us this past weekend when she & her 5 y/o came to visit b/c neither of them are vaccinated. Now, this has nothing at all to do with our opinion of vaccines; it is up to each individual as to whether they want the jabs or not. BUT, if there is an at-risk person in the home, then it is MANDATORY that any visitor coming to stay in their home be vaccinated, opinions aside. Having people staying in your home & sharing your toilets, towels and utensils is entirely different than visiting them in a hotel setting or outside for a short period of time.

Present a united front, together, you and dad, to your siblings and put your feet down HARD. If they wind up coming anyway, don't answer the front door when they knock. Tell them, from the window, that you thought you made yourselves perfectly clear when you told them over the phone that they could NOT COME to dad's house for a visit.

No is a complete sentence. It's high time they understand the meaning of it.

Dear gosh - I hope you are able to get in touch with his doctor 🤞🏼.
Even after moms stroke it took time for her to have more people in with her and we had to work our way up to a few but that is far too many. I can feel how anxious he is already and feel awful for Him and you. I am hoping there is a way that the doctor can help and guide you - even a social worker (maybe the dr can put in a request). Praying for a good resolution for you all.

I few years back my GF thought it was a good thing to bring her 7 grandchildren to her Moms house for a visit. 10 people in all. The children we all under the age of maybe 8. Her Mom was in her70s at the time and suffered from arthritis. The house had 2 bedrooms. One was a brother's that lived with Mom (sort of a caregiver) and the other Moms room. Then there was a den with a chair that made into a twin bed. One daughter spent the night with her 4 here. First thing in the morning K was off to grandmoms house. I offered breakfast, no going to have breakfast with grandma. That poor woman had an extra 10 people in her home. A house with a small living room, dining area and kitchen and one bath. Kids were sleeping all over the floor. I think Mom had to share her bed with GF. Yes, brother and Mom were glad to see them go.

Well, they wanted to do it again but this time brother put his foot down and said NO. If they came, they would have to find other accomodations. Why? Because Moms septic system could not take that many people. And it was true not an excuse.

I don't see why your family thinks they can bombard a 90 yr old. The elderly do not enjoy this type of thing. A suggestion would be to let Dad stay with you and take him over to visit. When he has had enough, he can call you to pick him up.

I hope these people realize they are on their own. Dad nor you will be doing the cooking. So, they will need to feed and prepare meals themselves. They should leave Dads house clean. Dad can't do it and its not your job. Make it hard for them, not easy. Maybe it will deter them from doing it again.

I suggest getting an order from the doctor that everyone who visits his home is vaccinated and no more than ? people at one time for no longer than ? minutes. Provide a copy to your visitors and tell them they need to make arrangements to comply with the doctor's orders. Make several copies and have them available at Dad's home. If the visitors refuse to comply with the doctor's orders and your father's requests to leave, call the police and ask them to evict them from the premises. If your father has difficulty handling discord in the moment, consider asking him to sign a letter stating he only wants to visit a couple of relatives at a time he (or you) can show to the police. If it comes to forcing them to leave, don't allow the situation to escalate into a shouting match or a discussion at Dad's house. Stay calm and only state the doctor's orders and the consequences of not respecting them.

SavingMom,

Thanks for your response to my posting.

I truly do feel as if their interests in your dad is really about themselves. If they were sincere about your father’s interests, they certainly wouldn’t want to impose on him. They would also apologize for their behavior. Your dad doesn’t owe them any accommodations. .

Your dad should be able to feel as if his home is his safe haven. Could it be that they wish to take advantage of your dad because they don’t see the need to pay for a hotel room? If a person can’t afford to pay for a hotel they should stay home. Even worse, are people who have plenty of money and are cheap and don’t care if they are an imposition on others.

No matter what the situation is, they shouldn’t be putting your dad on the spot like they are. Everyone has annoying relatives. I am sorry that your relatives are so insensitive.

Wishing you and your dad all the best.

Some people… I swear.
I think I’d put together an email since there are so many of them and state very clearly that your dad will not be receiving visitors at home. End the email with something like, “This decision is based solely out of concern for my dad’s wellbeing and his peace of mind. It is also his request. I’m sure you want to show him the same respect and not shake him up with a visit he is unable to deal with.”

Please let us know how this story ends and what worked or didn’t work to intercept this train wreck.

To get right to the crux of your question of how to stop them visiting at his home, when you've done all you reasonably can, you can make sure you are there when the siblings and grands show up, check all the doors are locked, and do not open the door.

You may choose to pretend nobody is home and have the blinds drawn and then not answer the phone. You may make the hand gesture that seems most appropriate from behind the front window. You may post a nice note on the door saying you'll be meeting them at X park or Y restaurant at Z time, or if you don't feel like entertaining people who can't apparently listen or think then don't. You have the right to call the police to have them moved along if they're causing a public nuisance on the porch.

Dad needs to speak up and tell your siblings he would love to see them all, but not all on the same day. The other option is to bring Dad to one of their houses for a 4 hour visit, then take him home.

Sounds like you and Dad should not be home on the day they plan to visit!

I faced a similar situation with my hubby's grandchildren when he was in hospital after surgery for the subdural hematoma. The granddaughter who is a first class DRAMA QUEEN, texted me demanding to know which hospital he was in so they could come visit. I explained that he didn't want any visitors as he hates to have people see him when he's ill. Long story short, the Drama Queen, her 2 brothers, the girlfriend of one brother and their paternal Grandmother showed up en masse. Hubby didn't have a clue who anyone was, DRAMA Queen burst into hysterics and ran out of the room. I ripped them all a new bodily orifice, telling them that for 6 years they caught the city bus across the street from our house and they couldn't be bothered to stop and see him. I told them they had 30 seconds to leave his room or I would have the nurse call security. Meanwhile, hubby is puzzled asking who are these people, why are they here.

So my advise is grab your daddy and head out of town the weekend they are coming. Don't tell them. Just do it. Sending you strength to combat those idiots.

Definitely tell them that everyone who enters the house must be vaccinated. Young kids must wear mask at all times. You want to see proof of the vaccine before they come, as well. I'd even go a step further and say - also need to have a negative covid test 24 hrs before arrival as well. That might weed out some of them.

Why not recommend a hotel that you could rent meeting room? Cater a lunch and everyone can spread out to eat and visit. They get to see dad and he can go to room and lay down or seclude if all the people become too overwhelming. Just tell them this arrangement will be easier for him than to be closed up in a house with 16-18 -20 people. I mean, does he have a house big enough to sleep that many people?? If they really go through with it, I'd be there to remove him from the big gathering and put him in his room w/door closed for privacy. Get his room set up so he can watch tv, read or whatever he usually does in the living room. If he won't tell them no - not much you can do about it...EXCEPT...for the covid precautions. I would demand those if you are the caretaker. He doesn't need to catch it and you don't either. Ask all of them who will be stepping up to see him ALL the way through an illness like that if they happen to bring it with them.

No one who is unvaccinated is allowed to visit Dad. Period -- full-stop. At this point no one can get fully vaccinated before this trainwreck occurs, so it's on you to call them and be the bad guy.

I'm so fed up with people who act like Grandma and Grandpa are the way they always were, and if they aren't, they'll just perk up once they're blessed with a visit from the clueless ones.
The fact that they're willing to risk killing him is beyond the pale.

If you lay down the law in no uncertain terms and still think you'll be ignored, I suggest you get Dad out of the house before the pests intend to descend upon him and take him to your house for a short time. What they're proposing is tantamount to attempted murder as far as I'm concerned.

Help him to call your siblings and tell them "no." He will also need to tell them "no huge group reunions" and the number of people he can tolerate at one time. If they want a reunion, then they should stay in hotels and make arrangements to visit your father in a way he wants. If they show up, he needs to tell them they can't stay - and call the authorities if need be.

Option 1: Book dad a hotel. Tell the family he won’t be home but you hope they enjoy their reunion.

Option 2: Work with them so dad has his getaway space while they’re visiting.

You're presenting a scenario that feels like there’s another side to this story.

Why do all 16 want to come at once? Are they afraid this will be their last time? Is there a history of family reunions? Do they have plans to keep the commotion down? It’s not like most houses accommodate 16 guests, so are they planning to stay in a hotel and visit dad in small hellos)?

Mostly, why are 16 family members willing to defy and upset dad … unless he never told them no.

My sister did this kind of thing to my elderly mother by piling 4 grandchildren under the age of 4 into her little apartment every weekend. I stopped it. My mother thanked me until the day she died. My sister has not spoken to me in years now. Cheap price to pay for my mom's sanity and peace of mind.