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Went no contact on 1/3 for last time when I finally had to turn my 92 yr. old NPD mother with rapidly progressing dementia over to APS. Sheeeeees back! APS met with her and myself and it is apparent she is not oriented to person place and time...Refer to my other posts about her not remembering me ordering and paying for her online groceries and not getting reimbursed. In fact, she is now claiming she never got them! After the Jan 3 meeting, when the Sw finally was able to witness what I have been trying to endure, I informed her and my mother I could no longer bear her verbal and emotional abuse after doing everything humanly possible trying to keep her acclimated and safe enough to remain in her IL apt. Despite her fighting EVERYTHING we have tried to do for her over the years. No to hearing aid, no to emergency pendant, no to caption phone, no to meds, no to agreeing to me setting up MyChart for her, no to debit card, no to meals that she pays dearly for in her rent, and the list goes on and on. Even though I am POA for health and finances, but not activated because she refuses to cooperate or believe her Dr or take the medication he has prescribed for her anxiety. Nothing is ever right and I guess I "lie to her about everything" and am "selfish“ because I got remarried and go on a vacation once a year with my husband or to visit my kids and grandkids. She doesn’t believe that online grocery orders do not accept checks, but firmly believes that debit cards will lead to thieves (me?) stealing all her money and belongings. She did not remember the SW who met with us on Jan 3, and didn’t remember that I was there, too. Even though she had 2 meetings with the Social Worker in the past several weeks. Tonight, she blew up our phone but didn’t leave message. I finally I broke down and answered because I was afraid, she had a true emergency. She was crying, and I thought she was hurt. Noooooooo. She said SW told her she will need to go into Assisted Living if she can’t get her groceries or allow me to get a debit card. I calmly told her yes, that’s right. Her full-on NPD erupted, and I hung up. Last thing APS SW told me was that they were going to arrange Neuro Psych and possible guardianship which I have refused to agree to be. 15 plus years of beating my head against a brick wall and riding in the caboose of this clown train is more than enough and has ruined my physical and mental health, and at 68, I choose my marriage and my health over this never-ending sh**t show. I collected myself, and tonight sent a very carefully worded email to the SW and APS Director., with examples of her dementia related confusion and NPD related behaviors and lack of cooperation. I stressed that I knew caseloads are too big but SW has been very patient with my mother, even affirming my need to step away, but wondering what next steps will be, my mother is no longer oriented to person, place or time and thus, is a vulnerable adult at risk who needs protective services, There is a crisis looming for her because I am out of the picture. The fires I have tried to put out for her have now become an inferno and yet she remains in total denial. It breaks my heart that her stubbornness and jealousy of me and what she calls my " perfect life" (far from it ..both hubby and I have been in ICU with ongoing significant health issues ) and her needing to control everyone except herself ..denying over and over again that she needs help with her memory loss at this point and her refusal of help. She has created this nightmare for herself. The dementia is new. The untreated mental NPD illness has destroyed our family as far back as I can remember. I have now blocked her on our phone. She can call 911 if she needs help. I wanted to have a written record of my concerns. Hence the email. If I don’t get a response, I will copy it and send it certified. County may be wanting me to file the guardianship petition? Advice and prayers needed

An update..my dear friends on here..I heard from the APS SW this afternoon..Neuropsych scheduled for 1/25...guardianship will proceed, without me accepting assignment to it, and once again SW was very compassionate and affirming that I have done all I can. She agrees that something significant is going on with moms cognition and memory..in fact she told SW that her twin sister is bringing her groceries..twin sister ( who was very lovely and cooperative with her sons right up until she died peacefully ) died 2 years ago. She also told SW that she felt we can afford to buy her groceries because we go on vacations twice a year! Sw feels she is not at danger of going hungry and I should stand firm and continue no contact and no groceries. ...there is a bistro menu there if she doesnt like what is being served. As far as incontinence pads, because she is currently still in Independent Living , facility would not provide those , so I offered to keep ordering them online and have them delivered anonomously ..SW said to keep track of cost and guardian will reimburse me once court appointed . I can certainly live with that. I feel once again that I can breathe ..for now. I do agree that untreated personality disorders seem to increase and magnify the onset of dementia. Thanks to all of you for throwing me a life line. We all need to keep picking each other up for our inevitable falls on this difficult road. Hope your Friday the 13th is uneventful! Hugs . Thank you
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SnoopyLove Jan 13, 2023
So glad to hear this! Good.
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"Even though I am POA for health and finances, but not activated because she refuses to cooperate or believe her Dr or take the medication he has prescribed for her anxiety."

Pls read the PoA document. In most cases what is required is 1 or 2 diagnosis of incapacity (not whether your Mom "cooperates" or "believes" or takes her medication).

That being said, you must recognize that you can't rescue an uncooperative, untrusting person. The actual way she will get helped may be if you resign your PoA completely, end contact for a while and allow the county to become her guardian. The county guardian will make things happen (been there, done that with my SFIL). It literally cannot be worse than what's been going on to date. The county will get her into a facility and she'll receive the care and protection she needs. And you will have boundaries and can visit her if you wish.

You are not responsible for her happiness. You don't have to suffer her mistreatment. It's been proven that the current "rescue plan" is ineffective for both her and you. Time for a different solution.
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So very sorry for the awful road you’ve endured. Sorry you didn’t have the mother you needed and deserved. And sorry that your many efforts haven’t helped. I’m so glad you sent that email and blocked the calls. Time for some serious self care. You can truly say you’ve done all a person can, it’s just not fixable or even able to be made better. Move forward with your husband and family, surround yourself with positive experiences. I wish you healing and peace
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Thank you everyone. Your words mean so much. I have felt so alone in this for so long. Rationally, I know there is no reason on earth for me to feel guilty ..not for what I have been forced to finally do..but for the times she has broken me down and reduced me to arguing back and some of the hurtful words I have also lobbed back over the years ..but most of all, for my hatred of the woman who tormented and bullied my wonderful loving dad ...who was wheelchair bound but still loved my brother and I so much, and so unconditionally..and still was so self sufficient and fended for himself as much as possible to escape her venom. She isolated him from his family , lied to them that he was too sick to talk to them when they called...and gave the laptop my brother bought for him so he could communicate with his sister in California, to Goodwill , while he was sleeping. She has had almost 11 years to create the new life she said she couldnt wait to have after he died.. ...she was so resentful of his illness..but she has chosen to wallow in a pity pot of anger and manipulation with me as her new target. And pawning herself off as his grieving widow. Such an actress. I have not finalized therapy because of some medical bills but know I now have to seek help to stay strong. I know there are lots more rocky days ahead. I do want to get to a place of forgiveness and healing.My dad would want that for both me and my brother. Bless you all.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 13, 2023
It’s hard. Family dynamics are very complex. Best wishes to you!
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T, I think you are letting your big heart overtake your brain.

Yes, mom is frail, disoriented and mad.

That doesn't mean that she is going to have a "change of heart" about EVERYTHING being your fault,.

Did you read Liz Scheier's Never Simple?

Please let APS do its job. If you persist in trying to win your mother's approval for changes like moving to AL, getting a debit card and getting groceries delivered, you will create the 7th circle of Hell for you both.

I remain an advocate for stepping graciously aside.
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sp19690 Jan 24, 2023
I agree Barb. This is very sound advice. Unfortunately no matter how much we want something it isnt always possible, especially when someone is mentally ill like the OPs mother.
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I think with POA and a doctor's evaluation you can go ahead and place her in care, probably memory care, as she seems a bit combative. She won't like it. So what? She doesn't like anything.
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JoAnn29 Jan 13, 2023
Better she allow the State to take over. They will get Mom placed alot faster.
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I guess I am extremely lucky to be working with a top rate ( and very patient) team of Drs, Assistant Living professionals , hospital Social Workers , and our local County Adult Protective Services team on this new journey...My mom will be moving into the Assistant Living CBRF unit in a studio apartment in the same Senior Living Comminity she has lived in for the past 6 years. Rehab first needed per Drs, as she is weak and needs strengthening and more assessment of her spatial disorientation. I have been referred to a top rate Geriatrician to manage her ongoing care once she is settled. There will be no more grocery shopping as she will get all her meals there and she has no kitchen. Her delerium this morning was very scary and rapid. Not sure what type of dementia is presenting..but her twin sister passed away 3 years ago in Assisted Living CBRF with similar rapid onset dementia and confusion........except twin sister did not have the same history of narcissism and was generally quite pleasant. As for," flying monkeys" , I am confident that my impeccable record keeping and well documented history of her behaviors on record and through ongoing firsthand observation with APS , and my converstaions with her bank and updates will serve me well if,there are ever any allegations of financial wrong doing. I am a retired Social Worker and familiar with all the pitfalls that I know could , and probably will be ahead. At the end of the day, my goal is to look past our difficult past history for what I know will be a very difficult conversation and move ..but to know that I am doing the right thing to keep her safe and me sane. Thank you all for your feedback...please keep your prayers coming.
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I worked in healthcare and used to hear conversations from social workers that many, many family members were "estranged" Do not worry, those NPD patients will eventually get placed. And sure they can be a headache to staff, including me sometimes, but I get to go home at the end of my shift.
You are doing the right thing. Do not feel guilty
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mrsharper52210 Jan 13, 2023
Thank you for reminding me of the fact that you all get to go home and not carry this daily burden. I am trying to grapple with a similar situation and this is a good reminder.
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I’m sorry, but this is not the “new beginning” of a healthy relationship that you’ve understandably longed for. This is another step in the decline of your mother, but not a change of her base personality or tendencies. If you choose to proceed as POA, do so with caution and distance. Don’t present the move to AL as a choice to mom, but a change that is happening. Don’t discuss taking over finances. Protect yourself and be prepared to step aside again. I wish you the best
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tygrlly1 Jan 24, 2023
Met with Drs , Assisted Living snd social workers this morning. She is even more confused. Because my POA activated the Drs state she needs CBRF care. It is the State LawWisconsin. If it becomes too detrimental to me I will rescind and walk away again. Rehab staff will present her need for Assisted Living to to her. Two of her friends fell in the past month and are now living where she will be moving onto the Assisted Living unit. I’m well aware that my heart is fighting with my head but keeping boundaries and advocating for her safety so I can step away again. . I have her checkbook and will be having all statements forwarded to me and obviously not announcing that to her. Trying to navigate waters that became too fast too quickly.I am certainly not trying to win her approval. That ship sailed 68 years ago !
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You did the right thing, tygrlly1. On this forum I often see these wise words,

'Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm'.

You're doing exactly what you should. Your mother cannot live on her own anymore and the only way your POA will become active where you can have her forced into AL or even memory care, is there will have to be a crisis.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. Unfortunately, so many of our beloved elders have to learn the hard way.
You're 68 years old. Far too old to be dealing with this nonense. You're doing the right thing. No guilt and dont second guess yourself.
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tygrlly1 Jan 24, 2023
God bless your affirming words. I walked into her hospital room this morning and she was happily describing that she had just gotten back from her bus outing with her friends to a casino up north, wonderful brunch and ham dinner. The CNA came in and mom introduced her as her bus buddy. Wink wink from CNA to me.. Later however mom turned mean when asked to walk with PT and begged me to take her home and that she will pay le ahead of tome for groceries ( will no longer be needed) Tore my heart up....The nurses and SW have been so wonderful. Waiting for a bed to open up at sub acute rehab which will give my hubby and I time to get her new room ready. The community director there is relaxing the long private pay period so she will hopefully qualify for Family Care sooner if she outlives her money, as she has already lived there 6 years. My mom asked how my dad was ( passed away 10 years ago). She was able to order her own lunch, however , and thanked the dietary aide for not charging her. Maybe she will have to go to Memory Care if this is not temporary related delirium? I knew a crisis was looming..just not this quickly...I know this is the right path..and at 92 she has fiercely hung on to her "independence"...and I hope this will be a blessing in disguise. Some of the ladies she sat next to at lunch ( when she was still going) and at bingo now live on that unit...and she is eating up the extra attention at the hospital ..praying hard.
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