My patient still lives at home with her husband, should I be expected to cook for company or family that visits?

My father had a wonderful paid caregiver who worked full-time. She usually made a light breakfast for him as well as lunch - usually my mother was already up and on her way out and was gone most of the day.

After a while I noticed she was making dinner for the both of them - leaving covered plates in the fridge or something in the oven that my mother only needed to put on the table.

I took her aside and told her it wasn’t necessary for her to make meals for my mom. And my mom was perfectly capable of making dinner. She replied that her job was to look after my dad and keep him happy. That making my mother happy meant making my dad happy.

Eventually, this turned into her making meals and stocking them in the fridge for the weekends when she wasn’t on shift.

As no good deed never goes unpunished- this ended badly as I knew it would.

My mother started treating my fathers caregiver like she was the maid/housekeeper. When the caregiver started to politely decline some of the work my mother was trying to get her to do - my mother became very difficult with her - rude and frequently trying to pick fights.

As a result - after about a year the caregiver quit. It broke my fathers heart as he had become very attached to her. And honestly, I do believe it hastened his passing.

So - think this thru before you get too far into it all. Set clear boundaries up-front with your client and her husband as to how much extra you’re willing to do.

And by the way - cooking for company? No. Anything beyond bringing a cup of tea and a plate of cookies to your client and one or two visitors is expecting too much.

It seems to me it would be petty, not to mention odd, to make one meal when it is just as easy to make enough two. Serving guests goes beyond that though, I assume your duties were discussed when you agreed to the job and you were not hired to be a cook.

Goodness, Lauren. Do you happen to know how many caregivers your patient's husband has already chased away?

It is for the daughter to sort this out. She needs to sit down with you and write a formal job description, which is then also spelled out to her parents.

I wonder if he used to treat his wife like this, too? He sounds a proper little Hitler.

Anyway. Certainly it is not fair to expect you to negotiate boundaries. (Nicely) explain to the daughter that you can't work without a clear understanding on all sides of what you are there for, which everybody has to stick to.

whoever is signing your paycheck needs to give you a detailed job description of just what is expected for the amount you are being paid. Be careful, some people will work you to death, just adding on more and more responsibility without a pay increase. Get things in writing so everyone is on the same page. Let your employer know what you will and will not do, again put things in writing.

Yep, Lauren. I get it - completely.

In the afternoon my father often took a nap. The caregiver would use this time to do the laundry- there was almost always sheets that needed washing as well as a few of my dads clothes. She’d say to me - when I said she didn’t need to do my mothers laundry as well - that she was doing the loads of washing anyway and it was no extra bother to add my moms clothes.

I knew my mother very well. My mom not only pinched pennies- she made them beg for mercy. Mom was the kind of woman who would stand in line if they were giving something away for free- even if she didn’t know what it was. So - I knew she was going to wring as much out of the paid caregiver as possible - if the caregiver let her.

The day I heard my mother on the phone referring to the caregiver as “the girl” - I knew there was a storm a’brewin’.
Like you - when ever the caregiver declined a task it was always because she needed to be doing something with and/or for my dad - her client.

Do follow cwillies advice on getting the daughter to put your job duties down in paper. Make sure she goes over it with the husband. Hopefully it will help - but it may not or not for long.
I talked to my mother until I was blue in the face - but that was my mom. No one but no one, told her what to do.

A caregiver is not a maid. And once you start doing extra, some folks expect it and get nasty if you don’t do what they want. I advise against it, unless you get a written agreement and proper compensation.

The only reason I asked about making meals for the husband is because she usually eats different food than he does. That’s not a problem. I was just curious. And if I am asked/expected to cook for the company, what is the best way to respond?

Hm, is she on a special diet, or is it just that he doesn't care for the same meals as her? If you are making enough food but he chooses not to eat it I'm not sure I would be cooking two different meals, but that would depend on what the understanding was when you were hired.
As for company, I would have a conversation with whoever hired you to go over any concerns you have, detailing what exactly they expect and what you expect. If you haven't got it all in writing now is the time. Unfortunately some people try to take advantage of an employee's goodwill, and many allow it because they are afraid to lose their jobs. Hopefully you can come to an understanding that will satisfy you both.

If we assume that your patient used to do the cooking for both of them, then presumably the first caregiver took over her cooking duties to support her and it's sort of morphed into being part of the job, so that she isn't struggling into the kitchen.

Cooking for company :/ - I don't think that could be considered in the same light. How much company, how much extra trouble, what about serving and clearing up after?

If it's a matter of a cup of tea and a sandwich during visits, fine. If you're being expected to put a formal lunch on the table, then you could courteously ask for clarification about what duties are included in your contract. You're a caregiver, not cook or housekeeper; and although of course you'll want to be flexible it isn't right for them to take advantage.

Do they have any other help at home? Would they consider getting any? A housekeeper once or twice a week might well be pleased to take on occasional entertaining too.

Rainmom that is exactly what has happened. I don’t think I explained very well. My patient is not on a special diet, but her husband is very rude and demanding because the other woman does a lot of things for him, so I guess I am also expected to. We’ve had a big falling out (the husband and I) where he yelled at me because I would not make a phone call for him (he was able too, but demanded I do it) because I was feeding my patient supper. I left crying calling the daughter that pays me and telling her I’m leaving and can’t do it.
She begged me to stay and told me to hold on she’s coming up there. I sat in my car and waited until she got there. (She’s their neighbor)

After she came over and talked with him, she told me to take the rest of the day off but come back the next day if I would. She begged me to come back and deeply apologized, but I was still completely disrespected.

From the beginning the husband of my patient has been rude and demanding. Expecting/telling me to fix him lunch and supper. Fill up his tea glass by holding it in the air, and pushing his dishes over to me while sitting at the table for a meal. So they don’t eat separate meals, but sometimes I fix her a sandwich and am wondering do I do the same for him. I know that seems petty, but he is completely capable of doing everything for himself. And he does, unless we’re here. I work privately for the family. The daughter hired me. And we never put anything in writing except my taxes.