My parent resents me, any advice?

You’re an adult, free to make the decisions you feel are best for your own health. You don’t owe others an explanation for your decisions. Your mother is equally responsible for providing herself a place to live, it’s not on her adult children to do this for her. Sounds like you chose wisely. Now don’t try to defend yourself to family, you don’t need to, just enjoy life with people who fill you with positivity

Your last statement says it all. "Family is selfish and very manipulative." Continue standing firm! Don't be sucked into their making decisions for you. Each needs to make their own life by their own means. Your mother sounds capable of being on her own and making decisions and the right decision for YOU is not having her live with you. There comes a time when it is two adults not mother telling daughter what to do and she does it, as she has done since being a child. I had to do that in the past.

You and your sons are your family.

Do not feel bad about protecting yourself from the family you were born into. They all could have stepped up and they obviously have not. Don't buy into their manipulation. If they think she should be living with one of her adult children then let them move her in.

Good for you got sticking to your boundaries. You have given a great example to all of us on how to do that.

Yes, they were trying to abuse you.

What do you do now? You live your life as you wish. Don't try to connect with them (Mum and sisters), they are going to be pissy because you did not ask how high when they said jump.

I am curious where is your brother in all this? Is he not expected to step up?

Congratulations on raising strong children who understand the importance of education.

I'd be proud of standing up for yourself. You knew what would work for you and you set that boundary. People who want their own will over your wishes aren't being respectful. Better she be resentful and you be having a happy life than the other way around. It sounds like she's made alternate arrangements, so, I'd let her simmer down and come to terms with things. Also, some people will never be happy. Working on making them happy may be a difficult and a miserable job. I'd be relieved I didn't sign up for it. And having someone living in your home that you don't want living in your home is a horrible place to be. Just read around this site and you'll see some pretty sad situations. Mostly, people want to know HOW do I get out of this mess?

First, I am the oldest of 4, my sister is deceased but I have two brothers 7 and 10 yrs younger. They did thank me for taking care of Mom but that was it. I can see where you are coming from. I lived in the same town so everything like Dr visits and ER visits fell on me.

You have set boundries stick by them. A very good reason...you don't have the room. You now have 3 ADULTS living in your home. All with their own likes, dislikes and schedules. I have a feeling that Mom moving in would disrupt a situation that is working well for everyone. Seems like she is pretty independent if she travels and has a home in another country. So why does she need to live with any of her children? You don't need the added stress of someone who fights with you and probably makes no bones about telling everyone what they should and shouldn't do. Your children need a quiet place where they can study and have time to themselves.

I want to congratulate you on raising 4 kids alone. And they seem to be intelligent well adjusted adults. Not easy to do when you need to work too. You need to do what is best for you and your kids. They are your family. They will go on to maybe marry and maybe have kids. You want to be involved in their lives. These are the ones who may be doing for you in your old age. Not your siblings.

I agree with the others on your making the right choice for you. It’s time for you to live your life and enjoy the success of your adult children. Just curious as to how she is now able to afford renting in a private home and what happened to the need for $700.00? If the subject of Mom moving in come up again when one of your children moves out I would not even start the conversation unless it includes what she would be paying for rent and how she will contribute to household expenses. What reimbursement for mileage you would get to take her to appointments and what you will be paid hourly for caregiving. Once those terms are met get it in writing and have an attorney review it.

The answer is a simple "no". We don't need all the explanations and neither does your family. Simply and gently make it clear that you are sorry, but this is not an option . Please be accepting of human limitations. Sainthood is an ugly job description in which the entire world shoots you full of arrows until you are DEAD; then they pray to you for eternity to fix everything for them. I am THANKFUL more than I can say to see the words "I do not feel guilty". That is so rare here. And for the life of me, unless you intentionally harm another for fun, or unless you are a felon, I don't see what in the world you HAVE to be guilty about. You have MADE A LIFE THAT WORKS FOR YOU.
Continue on in that world, knowing you are lucky, and staying GENTLY strong in your conviction.
You might consider, if there is a whole mess of them, mailing one form letter in which you promise you will not apply for Sainthood anytime in the future, in which you tell them that you understand they will have their own judgements about you but that you are well and truly uninterested in hearing them. That you are making a QUALITY life that works well for you, and wish them ALL good luck with doing the same for themselves. That you love them, but that you are ENTIRELY unable (as well as unwilling) to "do it their way".
Hugs! YOU GOT THIS RIGHT!

I wouldn't take her even if she pays; manipulation and verbal abuse is horrible to live with - been there.

Great advice here - stick to your boundaries and what you know is best for you. Don't allow anyone else to tell you what you should be doing. I have a mother who is very similar to yours and always pushes at my boundaries, sometimes lying to try to get her way. I'm an only child, but she made choices to live where she lives and won't consider any input other than her own, disregarding me and everyone else it would affect. Give your energies to decisions that will bring you happiness and peace. It's your right. I wish you and everyone else dealing with such issues the best!

Tell her no. (Sounds like you did well by your kids and your independent life from your biological family. Good work!).

You provide a long list of reasons because you know this isn’t right for you, but you feel you need permission to say no.

Don’t let others change your mind - your decision is already clear.

Any sibling who wants peace of mind can step up themselves.

Stay strong and courageous for yourself. Stay distant from the family of origin. Get on without them. We can't pick our families, but we can certainly choose who's BS we are willing to put up with, and who's BS we're not going to be able to take. It's all about finding yourself and deciding what is best for YOU.

"What to do next?"

I suppose try to keep things polite & with time (& hope) this chapter will close. It may even be quickly forgotten by your sibs. Your Mother will settle into her new living place & may forget she pressured you too.

Of course you are hurt. Forgive them of you can but remember so you can keep your boundaries strong if they start this up again.

Your mother sounds like a very difficult, angry person. You are doing the right thing by separating yourself from this and saying no to her living with you. She wants you to make things easier for her, and does not care about what you want. And your siblings don't want to worry about her so, sticking you with her is their solution. She might be well-situated now but this likely not remain so and she will be looking for you to fix her situation again. So just be sure to tell them the decision is final. As your mother gets older, she will begin to need more care and supervision. This is not your responsibility to provide so don't get sucked into that.

I reallyI really feel that itand although I don't like saying that because I know you're already burdened that you should try to look a little clearer it what these things can be you'll be very sorry if you lose your mother and I don't think you're seeing it realistically every day is a blessing and good luck with all.

There is nothing to do because you are already doing it by saying NO and sticking by your boundaries. Good for you!

Your family didn't manipulate you and/or make you feel guilty, you did NOT fall into their trap.

Be proud of yourself and keep on doing what you are doing and please don't question yourself anymore. You are doing a great job with your own family.

Jenna

Good for mom...she actually showed she can take care of herself! Which goes to show that she doesn’t need to be living with any of you. She’s only 75? Lordy what is wrong with her.
yes everyone is being manipulative and good for you for having boundaries. I support your decision 100%.

There's a saying "that we teach people how to treat us". You have shown her and your sibs it’s not ok to treat you in this manner. Stand firm!!

"I feel that all my family is selfish and very manipulative"

You're right. What do you do next? Whatever you want! Just don't let selfish, manipulative family members be an anchor weighing you down.

Sounds like you did a stellar job raising your own kids btw.

I know it’s hard not feeling guilty. But do not let yourself be manipulated into a situation that will effect your health. When we get stressed and etc. our health can take a hit. You don’t want that. Of course your sibs want her to live with you then they don’t have to deal with her. But she is grown she can be independent or move to a assisted living center or senior center where she can be entertained.

You dont have to be rude but continue to be firm about your boundries. She has proven she can live on her own and if shes lonely to live with someone tell her about independent living or retirement communities. As parents, we raise our children to set them free. Not demmand they do ANYTHING for us when we get older. Thats not how it works. I know people always say you have to deal with family, but i litterally out of 50 family members speak to 5 or 6. I cut out my own mother completely. Putting yourself through the ringer just because your blood doesnt make any more sense then if they were just friends .

Considering that your mother has told you that your two younger sisters are her favorites, then if it comes to it, you can say "Fine, and I'm sure you will be much happier living with one of them instead of here." She has given you some excellent "ammunition"!

Your mother and siblings ARE selfish and manipulative. And nuts - you don't have room for anyone else, even if you liked that person. Stick to your guns. You have earned your peace. Don't reach out. Let things calm down for a while. And don't feel guilty.

I was just having a similar conversation with my aunt about caring for my dad her brother so your not alone.I believe at the core of it all you must be willing and able and everyone isn't.

Family especially will try to bully or shame you into what they think your role should be.I truly believe in caring for your parents as they did so for you, but to what degree is your decision not others.

Your mom seems fully capable of caring for herself and maybe she she look into a senior community instead of renting in a private house.

Continue to stand your ground.Explain to.your mom that you love her but staying with you isn't an option at least for now.

"My mother is 75 and travels a lot and she lives with 2 of my sisters sometines or alone in an apt she has in our country."

This is very telling. She is not that old yet, and still capable. Sounds like she just needs a "home base" to have a place to drop in when between travels. She can find an apartment, IL, hotel/motel or some other accommodation between trips.

"I told her I do not have an empty room. She wanted to live in the living room or garage. She wanted to help me financially too with $700."

Garage? Wouldn't a nice hotel room be nicer? LR? Where would she keep her stuff? So *generous* too - WHERE could she store her stuff and have a place to drop in periodically for that amount of money? Obviously you are fine economically, so that carrot isn't very tempting, is it? Don't bite it!

"As I stated before, I raised 4 kids alone. Now I do not want any responsibilities. Now I want to keep working to pay my bills and I do not want to worry about anything else."

That is your right and as others noted, great job raising educated responsible adults! I raised 2 from a young age myself (unfortunately the ex stuck around just to make my existence miserable whenever he could!) and also had to work full time. I can't imagine having to do the same with 2 more, although I loved having kids & would welcome more!

"My siblings wanted my mom to live with me. They said they will have peace of mind if my mom lives with me."

Sure, THEY will have peace of mind, because she'd be off their backs and out of their homes! NOPE!

"She has even told me that my 2 younger sisters are her favorite."

As jacobsonbob said, she likes them best, go live with them!!!!

"Maybe she wants to live with me because I do not have a partner."

Sounds more like (to me) that she just wants a place to go between travels. Having fewer people that she might "interact" with might be part of her plan, but more likely it's because she's already worn out her welcome with the others... You're next on the rotation!

"Now I have reached out to my mom and she says she doesn't feel like talking to me because I didn't let her move in with me."

If that's her reason for not wanting to talk to you, clearly she is SELFISH. If she weren't, she would understand.

"She says my other 4 siblings take good care of her."

Fine. GO LIVE WITH THEM!!!

"My mom is renting a room/bathroom in a private home."

Sounds like the BEST arrangement. You limited contact and after reaching out she said she didn't want to talk to you, so there you have it. Don't make contact. Maybe send her some greeting cards, Happy B'day, Mother's Day, some random whatever day, but stand your ground! You have EARNED the right to have a life of your own. The children are on the cusp of leaving the nest and you can start taking care of your needs, all the things you have given up to raise these great kids!

"I feel that all my family is selfish and very manipulative."

And you would be right. As noted above, they've already closed the gates, yet THEY feel you should open yours. Nope.

"Why do I have to be the one?"

You don't. Just because they or your mom think so, it is NOT their decision.

"I do not feel guilty."

Good. As others have said, too many DO feel guilty and are pressured into doing this and regret it. Once she's in, how would you get her out if it didn't work out? Although 2 of your boys are in rooms, she'll think the rooms are available when they go to school. NO. Between semesters, on breaks, etc, they have a right to return to their own rooms. Even if they did move elsewhere, those rooms can be used for ANY of your kids, friends, other family who come to visit. It's your place, you have every right to say who comes in, who stays, who doesn't, what your rooms are used for!

"What to do next?"

Stand your ground. She has a drop spot, let her live her life and you live yours! You don't need excuses or explanations. As many say often on this site, NO is a complete sentence!

I don't think that parents should be living somewhere without their kids UNLESS they choose to... want to. NOW.. that being said...here we go. No one child, when there ARE more children. ... no one child should be having to deal with parent(s) all by themselves. You have siblings and just because you have no partner is no reason for you to have to deal with mom by yourself... and most likely if you did allow your mom to move in with you, YOU would pretty much hear nothing from your other siblings. ????? EVERYONE SHOULD BE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR MOM. EVERYONE. The ideal situation would be this.... all siblings have a meeting where they discuss, "What to do with OUR MOM?" Yes.. OUR MOM. FACT - She has 5 kids so... 5 kids making the decisions together. Let us say that mom DOES come live with you at some point. The other 4 kids could PAY for some health care aides to come in and take care of mom a certain number of hours per week! How about that! ??? Try telling them this and see what they say! If they don't like THAT idea... then.. you know where they stand. They won't help with mom... they are NOT to require YOU to do something they themselves REFUSE to do. Also, they might and people so people agree to anything and then when mom moves in, they have no idea what you are talking about. Need to get any agreement between siblings WRITTEN DOWN ON PAPER AND NOTARIZED. Again.. if they refuse to do this, well then, you know what their intentions are. They lied...and have no intention of keeping to what was agreed on. I see this ALL THE TIME... I had a husband like this... always required me to do things that he himself did NOT know how to do and/or would not do. HE wanted me to take care of his mom.. make ALL the decisions.. Nope... trying to push it on ME. "NO.......JIM. YOU ARE PART OF THE EQUATION HERE". GET VERBAL AGREEMENTS IN WRITING.

"Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"
Don't let the bastards get you down!
Chin up, head high, smile as big as the sky!
That's three cheers to you and for you!
You're an awesome child of God!
Just remember, and never forget,
The BEST is yet to come!
Go Mary Go! You are my HERO!

You raised your kids (and very well). Your Mom is just that - your Mom - not another kid to raise. Your house is full. Since Mom is not needing dependent caregiving - let her find assisted living place (that in most areas would be $4000 - $5000 per month). Or an apartment ($1200 and up depending on where you live). If she had no place she could afford might be different - then should be shared with All siblings - but if she can travel she can afford a place to stay. Let her spend her money - you can be sure if any left, siblings would want "their share" of inheritance even if you did all of caregiving. Note - My Mom came to live with me the last 7 years of her life (choice of AL or living with me) Glad she chose to live with me. My husband had passed - had tried to get her to live with us for years. Was glad when she came. Win/win for both of us. I continued to work as she did not need caregiving until last 6 months and then we hired help. But you have a full house - your first responsibility is to your kids and yourself.

I'm not very interested in your mother's or your siblings' circumstances. You raised four children - jolly successfully, too, by the sound of it - on your own. And now you'd like to concentrate on your career, which I hope brings you not only improvements in your financial security but also personal fulfilment and day to day satisfaction, too.

Enough said. You don't have space in your house or your life for another permanent dependant who, moreover, has plenty of other options. Makes perfect sense to me.

Why did you feel the need to "reach out" to your mother recently? I don't think it can make any difference, I'm just wondering.

Sounds like your mom is a pot stirrer and seeks to create drama. If she is capable of caring for herself she should. She caused discord in your sister's house so she continue the same behavior. Your siblings are selfish and self centered. You are not responsible for all of your mom's desires. Give them all a chance to miss you. Remove yourself from this situation and discuss it no further.