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I met a wonderful guy through a reputable online dating app. We’ve been texting daily in the app for a month and there’s a definite connection. I’m in my early 50s, he’s in his early 60s. I’m impressed and touched at the way he cares for his dad who is in his late 80s. He doesn’t complain, he cooks, cleans, shops, jokes with his dad, and makes his life as pleasant as possible. I asked him his plans for the future and he said that he will take care of his father until the end. Then he wants to turn up his romantic life, travel and do him. I’m glad he has a plan for his own happiness. Right now though, getting to know him has been a challenge. We text a few lines and then he has to get back to caregiving. Most times it’s near midnight after he has gotten his dad to bed and done the evening chores. He texts me, texts a line or two and then nothing; Poor exhausted fellow falls asleep and I’m left hanging. He’ll eventuality wake up in the wee hours of the night to send an apology. So far, I’ve not gotten angry. How can I? But how am I supposed to get to know him with little snippets of texts each day? We have talked on the telephone. And I did have a background check run on him, and everything checks out. We have both made it clear that we like each other a lot. And I think he’s worth being patient for. How do we make this work when his day is so circumscribed that there’s no time of day to have his undivided attention to get off a meaningful conversation or just finish a conversation? Am I asking too much? I’m not asking to be number one or number anything. His father is and should be the priority. Every day is a gift at that age. What should my expectations be in this blossoming relationship? He has expressed that he does not want to lose me. Please bring on the advice.

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Falling,

Hope that you don’t feel harassed. Glad that you are taking it slow and truly hope it works out for you. If not with this guy, then another person.

Might not be a bad idea to consider other options too. I can appreciate that you feel a connection with him.

My only intention was for you not to be harmed. You haven’t agreed to meet him so I do believe that you are taking it slow and assessing the situation carefully. You have done background checks.

Best of luck in finding new friends or promising romances.
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Please realize that some seniors can be long-lived. My grandmother died just short of 99 years old, and she had heart trouble. Will you be happy with the treatment you are receiving for 10 years? Yes, dad needs to be cared for, but your boyfriend obviously has needs top. It appears that he needs a little more of his "own life" separate from his dad.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
My husband’s great grandmother lived just shy of 102!
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You can't really expect anymore than you get right now. If this guy is really taking care of an elderly paretn 24/7, even if he sits down to do a text or email - trust me - he will be interrupted 20 times before he can hit the send button. And more often than not, he'll forget he was about to do the text and think about it later in the day.

There is no scheduled time to allow for a text or even a phone call. When you get a minute, and remember what you're doing, you do it.

It's interesting that you say you don't want to be number one, you have a pretty good understanding of what he does all day, yet you want advice on how to have a meaningful, complete conversation. Sorry, but I don't see that happening. His dad is the priority and his life is on hold for now. If what you get is not enough, this is not the guy who can give you more right now.
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Thanks for a polite reply after my previous post probably annoyed you. Writing again more positively, I did quite a lot of internet searching for a partner before I met DH2 online, and never came across a scammer. However I did find people whose future plans weren’t a good match. An example was a very interesting bloke who had retired early from an equally interesting (and lucrative) career. He was rolling in money, I liked him, and everything added up. Early on I found that he wanted to spend more money than I was comfortable with – I always paid my own share. Then it became clear that he was seriously considering moving to Queensland. He didn’t need my money, I could just go along. However I had a small business, young adult daughters, a mother and ex-MIL not getting any younger. The relationship depended on me throwing my own life away. Our lives weren’t a good match, and we parted amicably.

Your ‘match’ issues are very different, but they may be just as real. It can be really difficult, and it seems as though it may be difficult for you, whichever way you go. Best wishes.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
I find it interesting that she refers to him as her “boyfriend” when she hasn’t even met him. He is at best a potential boyfriend.
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Have you been to his house? If he has not invited you, do you wonder why?
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Yes! Great questions!

I know someone that didn’t get on the airplane that crashed 9/11. This is a friend who travels 80% of the time for work! He had no qualms flying.

He just felt something odd. Thank God he did not step onto that plane.

The OP has no strange feeling at all about this guy. I think it should be as plain as the nose on her face.

Love is blind! Or in this case, hoping for love in the distant future.

Our hearts are in the right place trying to get the OP to open her eyes and possibly prevent what could be a disaster for her.
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"Falling4ACrgvr,"

What do your friends think about this guy/situation and have they given you any advice/suggestions? I'm sure their insights would be very good since they know you much better than those of us who are strangers.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Another great question! I hope the OP is reading her posting.
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You say, "He is aware that this is a problem. It’s his job to fix it. Not mine". That is very wise. However, it's difficult when the heart wants something that is not really available. Stay friends, even make suggestions as to how to fix it if he seems to want to. Even with covid and even with the 5 hr distance between you two, I would think there would be some sort of chance to meet, masked 6 ft away, at a park half way between your homes for a live chat for instance. He could hire a male caregiver once a week to do the lifting for a morning or afternoon get away. In person you would maybe know whether or not to keep this up or at least know what it is.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Exactly! In person is the best way to perceive how he really is. Great posting!
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Does anyone remember Dr. Joyce Brothers, the psychiatrist?

Years ago, when the internet was just starting to become popular she was talking about an experiment that she was conducting about conversations with strangers online in chat rooms.

She said that she decided to check it out so she came up with an alias name and age.

She said that she pretended to be a young woman in her twenties and said how interesting and fun that it was and had tons of guys flirting with her.

Then she went into a serious conversation about the dangers of people catfishing online. She remarked how she felt that most people were living out a fantasy.

I would hate to see falling4acaregiver become Falling for a trap!
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Falling4ACrgvr Oct 2020
Hello! I have verified his identity. He is a real person. I’m completely aware of scams. I have helped several clients deal with such travesties over the years.
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Barb,

Just read your response to Glad. I love knowing how people met!

My daddy met mom when his ship was docked in New Orleans. He saw mom from a distance and thought she was pretty so he followed her! Nowadays, he would be described as a stalker, right? LOL

Anyway, his opening line was so cute! He followed her home. She and her sister were on their way back home from an outing. He asked her for a glass of water. Hahaha, now that’s an original pick up line for you, huh?

My dad was so handsome in his military uniform. Mom gave him water and the rest is history.

I asked mom what did she think when daddy asked her for water and she said, “I knew that he had water on his ship so I figured that he was sweet on me. He was very handsome and polite and I saw no harm in giving him a drink of water.”

Oh, and her sister ended up marrying my dad’s brother so they were sisters and sister in laws and brothers and brother in laws and we the children of theirs are double first cousins!
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Ohlas1 Oct 2020
here’s another one for you!

27 ish years ago, my then boyfriend broke up with me, being sad a friend of mine that owned a bar forced me to come be sad at his bar, so I went and didn’t drink. The man of my dreams was freshly back from war and decided it was a great idea to get 😵 drunk @ same bar. He was just so handsome sitting in his corner, watching people, not moving. His friends where dancing, trying to pick up girls. He got up and went to bathroom. I have no idea what came over me but I went and sat in his chair and waited for him to come back. He wasn’t thrilled, but he wasn’t rude. He didn’t pay much attention to me. I gave him my number and left. He doesn’t remember most of it. The next day all his buddies where like if you don’t want that girls number from last night give it to me. So he called asked me out, then literally wouldn’t go away. He told me matter factly on our 2nd date he was going to marry me, took him 8 months to get me to agree, so we eloped less then 72 hrs after I agreed.

he still has that silly scrape of paper I wrote my number on and he still wouldn’t just go away.
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Why hasn’t he shared what his father’s health issues are with you? He’ being evasive and you are making it easy for him since you are not asking him all the pertinent questions.

You say that you are an attorney. Great! Use your skills to cross examine him with. Lawyers get to the bottom of issues, right?

Get to the bottom line and then you can make a wise and informed decision.

Knowledge is the key here. The more you know the better because knowing and learning information is what matters. That’s how we gain experience.

You’re playing a guessing game at this point. Are you living out a fantasy with a stranger?

From what I have read, he is basically a stranger, not even an acquaintance of yours because you haven’t even met him. Be realistic about the situation that you are in.

Hey, if it all turns out well, invite us to the wedding! We will lift our champagne glasses to you in your honor.
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gladimhere Oct 2020
All falling has is a name. Heck, this online friend may even be a female scammer. Falling can't be sure that the name is even the person she is chatting with online.
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I am not sure why being an attorney has anything to do with this at all. You may be more knowledgeable about law, so more savvy, but attorneys fall for scams as well. Does friend know you are an attorney? Do you tell everyone you don't know you are an attorney? That, alone, would make you more vulnerable to well planned scams. Have you thought about a private investigator? It may even be a case of identity theft.

I am surprised some of you met spouses on a dating site.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
A private investigator is a great idea!
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I’m finding this thread surprising. OP, why do you keep telling us over and over again that you are an attorney? Once is surely enough!

I met my dear DH on an online dating site. By this time in the interchanges, I and most people in any dating situation would be wanting to have some contact with the other party’s friends, work colleagues or relations, to make sure that everything stacks up. I appreciate the 5 hours and the Covid issues, and your extensive checks as an attorney (hard to forget it), but you should be finding another source of information about this guy. Otherwise quite honestly it’s hard to pick whether you or he is the scammer!
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Falling4ACrgvr Oct 2020
Hello! I’m sorry that you are seeing repitition. I was responding to each thread individually so not sure that each poster would read my individual response. My intent was to assure that I do have resources at my disposal that the public does not. I do know after my investigation that he is a real person. I’ve dealt with scammers before for clients. I’m well aware of scam behavior. Thanks for looking out for me.
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Something isn’t adding up. You say he can afford caregivers and they are reluctant to do so. Well, would ask why are they so reluctant to do so. No offense, but no one in their right mind would do the kind of caregiving that he does.

Is he trying out for sainthood or enjoys being a martyr because he is a glutton for punishment doing the work he is doing.

I really am not trying to be disrespectful but it just sounds strange. Why hasn’t he asked to see you over the weekend if his family gives him a break then?

I am only looking at this from a logical point of view. He’s procrastinating. My question is why?

Still, I wish you all the best but I truly feel that you should move on. Don’t keep investing your time and emotions into something like this situation.

You could ask to meet you for coffee and see what his response is. If he turns you down, he’s a phony. Just how I see it. I may be wrong but I it would show how interested he really is in building a relationship with you. Do you agree? How would you feel if he delayed meeting you? I would say so long at that point.
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Falling4ACrgvr Oct 2020
Hello! He has asked to see me. I’m the hold out here. I explained in a previous post that I’m not keen on traveling with COVID due to an underlying medical condition, plus I’m quite busy with cases.

Some people are reluctant to let in other caregivers as they feel that can’t do the job as well as they can. Some are just not ready to trust outsiders with their loved one. It was hard for me to let anyone take care of my parents. It was a long time before I could hire caregivers and even longer before I fully trusted them. We are in friends status. When I have the ability to go see him then that will be pivotal.
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I have not read all the replies so I am not sure if you have added more information.

His Dad is in his 80's, he could live another decade. Do you want to be waiting for another 5-10 years?

Some texts and a few phone calls are lovely, they may be the beginning of a friendship, but a romance? A relationship cannot blossom when one person is not available.
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I am going to throw a red flag! Why would a 60+ year old man carry his dad and not use a wheelchair? That is a waving red flag if I ever saw one.

Not even getting into dropping out of conversations only to text you back in the middle of the night.

As long as you know that you are being played and are having a good time with it, you are a grown woman that can do what she likes.
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BarbBrooklyn Oct 2020
Huge red flag, I agree.
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Falling, I am someone who met my husband on Match.com. As it happened, after we'd spoken a few times, I recognized his last name and it turned out I knew his daughter, who was in the sane age group as my children. I knew someone who knew his family and checked him out that way.

That being said, I would NEVER think of someone who you've chatted with a few times via text and phone as being a "boyfriend", potential or no.

This is an aquaintance and should be treated as such.
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First of all, you do NOT know this man b/c you have NOT met him in person. What you know online, thru texts & phone calls is NOT the same as you'd know in real life. Trust me............I did the whole online dating routine after my divorce in the early 2000's and learned a few things from the Dating Dot Com life:

1. Meet them VERY QUICKLY in real life. Covid is no excuse not to meet; both of you wear a mask and sit apart. One excuse leads to 100 excuses.
2. Do not extend the texting and phone calls out for too long b/c that's a red flag. They're hiding something. Either their photo is very old or they've gained like 200 lbs or they're 4'5" tall or SOMETHING.
3. Meet in a coffee shop and sit close to the exit door. That way, you can make a quick escape if need be. And sometimes, need WILL be.
4. They always always ALWAYS sound wonderful on the phone or in texts and emails. They say sweet things, it's perfect. Real life is a whole different story. It's kind of like 'dating' a prisoner. When it's all on paper, it's romantic! It's fun! He says all the right things! YAY! Then he gets out and all h*ll breaks loose. Same thing with the Dating Dot Com scene.
5. Beware of the man who is SO caught up taking care of their elderly parent (or child or friend or client.....) that they have NO TIME FOR YOU. And remember the following phrase if they have no time for you: "He's just not that into you." Because let me tell you something. A man who is TRULY 'into' a woman and truly interested in pursuing her WILL find time to meet her and spend time with her. Period. No if's and's or but's about it.

Meet him. Quickly. Rip the band aid off. Then, if you like him, realize his first priority is his father, not you. His father may live another 10 or more YEARS. Those years will get worse as far as his health goes and as far as how much time your b/f needs to devote to his care. Do you REALLY want that at THIS stage of your life?

This potential b/f is already in his early 60's........by the time his father passes away, he could be 70. Do YOU want to be a caregiver to THIS man in YOUR retirement years??

Just some things for you to think about. Play the field and DO NOT PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET. The men NEVER do when they're on these dating apps. N E V E R. So talk to a few guys and have fun. That's my advice.

GOOD LUCK!
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Lea,

Valid points! Dose of reality in your answer. Love it!
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"Falling4ACrgvr,"

Food for thought - how many caregivers do you know who don't complain (ever), cooks, cleans, shops, jokes around and makes life for their loved one pleasant 24/7, 365 days a year? He sounds like a "perfect" caregiver, one I only wish I could be.

So far with all the situations I've read on this forum since I joined three months ago, not one in my recollection has that type of story. I am not knocking ANY caregiver on this forum and I think the majority of them are doing fantastic but, they still share frustrations, unforeseen problems that arise in which they ask members of the forum for advice/suggestions etc.

Also, has he mentioned whether or not he's been married before? If so, any idea as to what happened?

When something sounds too good to be true - usually it is.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Yes, read my post just below you. She needs proof of his character.

As far as complaining goes, it’s normal! Even my therapist told me it was okay to get angry over legitimate reasons.

Besides, I truly despise ‘Pollyanna’ types. They are usually fake! Everyone has bad days. No one is upbeat all of the time.
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The more that I review this situation I don’t find any proof of his identity, just wishful thinking on your part. I hope that he is who he says he is. It still doesn’t leave much for you to be hopeful about, even without any deception in the picture.

You really don’t know this man. You’re not emotionally invested in his life. You haven’t even met him. You are genuinely interested in him. He has told you that he wants to meet you.

Does he ever get respite? What about when he has a doctor appointment for himself or does he neglect himself due to caring for his dad? Does he find a caregiver for his dad for appointments, or other important issues that crop up in life? Has he given you any clues as to when he would meet you in person?

Does he plan on at least looking into hospice? They provide respite care on occasion. Has he invited you to visit him? Would you go?

Be honest with yourself. At this point there isn’t a relationship. Sure, you have feelings based on your assumptions and a few texts and a voice on the other end of the phone. That’s not a lot to go on. What does your gut tell you? Any bad feelings? Don’t discount those. Trust your instincts. Don’t be easily fooled. Be logical.

I am all for people following their dreams but not in every situation. You do have to look at the entire situation. Are there risks involved? Is it really worth it?
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
"NeedHelpWithMom,"

A woman's intuition is her "best friend" and definitely should be listened to and not ignored -- it's built-in for a reason -- to be used!
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"Falling4ACrgvr,"

Obviously being on an online dating app, you've seen this man. I'm just wondering if over the course of the month of exchanging texts if you've "seen" his dad/family (sister, niece) - I don't mean in person but, photos?

I did pick up on you saying "so far, I've not gotten angry" - that already tells me you may be feeling impatient (yet on the other hand, he's worth being patient for). Followed by "how can I?" after he is sending apologies. You've also mentioned being left "hanging" - not a good feeling to have. I guess there's just a couple of things I find troubling but, as I said it's based on experiences as well as studying this type of thing.

Keep a clear head and other options open. I know it's hard to do when one is smitten but, your well-being and happiness is at stake.
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Falling4ACrgvr Oct 2020
Hello and thank you for your comment! I’m an attorney. I’ve had this guy checked like only an attorney can. I have verified all of his familial relationships. I know they exist without photos.

Yes, I’m patient. But capably impatient (I’m an attorney). Yes, how can I be angry at a guy for taking care of his dad? He’s not the first guy I’ve talked to online recently in his 50s and 60s to fall asleep during a text or phone call. But he’s the first guy that I’ve ever been this fond of. You get a great conversation started and then boom no response for over an hour. Frustrating. Yes he apologizes. He is aware that this is a problem. It’s his job to fix it. Not mine. I’m not anything to him yet to make any demands. Nor him of me. I’ll keep the dialogue open. I’ll see what progress is made while still being his friend. I’ll keep you updated!
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I've just reread your introductory post and have some new thoughts.   This is a "blossoming" relationship, over which he's already established control.   You can text all you want, but he'll respond when it's appropriate for him.  And he has a built-in excuse: his father.   Does this tell you something?

He's created an impression of a dutiful and loving son.   Perhaps he is; perhaps he's not.   How could you possibly know?   And given the distance from him, you probably won't know.  

He states he doesn't "want to lose" you.  Heads up; he doesn't HAVE you to lose, and it needs to stay that way.  

You might try "taking the bull by the horns" and not be so available, or not return his texts immediately.  You need to create distance to protect yourself, just in case.

You might want to read this other thread of people in similar situations:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/the-sweetheart-scam-169804.htm

There are at least half a dozen prior threads of women falling for men who pretend to want their companionship, but keep them at a distance, or just take advantage and accept their free help.

A good test might be to back off and let him take the lead in the relationship, and see how far he takes it.  
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
"GardenArtist,"

Funny, I just reread her post too and thought the same thing about "how does she know he's doing all those things?" The old saying "actions speak louder than words" came to mind and she hasn't "seen" anything other than his online profile.

Spot on - you said many things I thought of saying in my comment a minute ago.
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Here is my schedule For care When we don’t have outside help. Thanks covid. To help you understand. My father that is 70 does this 24/7/365. I kick him out of house for vacation about every 6-8 months, for about 1-2 weeks, depending on my business and personal schedules. The care is for my bedridden mother, 4 years in.

6:30am rotations, diaper change, clean up
8:30- 10:30 rotation, check diaper start cleaning up, bed bath/wash down, lube up, make breakfast eat mine first, feed, dress (not lately textures are the current issue) , medicine. Clean her room.

10:30 -11:30 1st load of laundry, clean up kitchen. Thank god my father bought an amazing all in one washer/ dryer. Hourly checks.

11:30 -2:30 it’s hour checks, changes. She sleeps heaviest at this time. I can get a cat nap

2:30-3:30 is make lunch, change diaper, rotation, feed, Treat any skin spot areas again.

3:30-6 is any daily house cleaning, paperwork, errands when I have the help. I’m lucky to have a sister close enough to dads that will do that shopping or sit with mom for couple of hours durning this covid times.

6-8 is make dinner, feed, wash, lube up, diaper, meds, Treat any skin spots, clean room again.

8- 11:30 is second load of laundry, entertainment because it’s when she is mostly awake

11:30-midnight I go to bed, up every 4 hrs for rotation, diaper/ clean up.

from the moment I wake up my phone alarm goes off every hr (welfare/ diaper check) and every 4 hrs When I go to bed (rotation to prevent bed sores, even with good mattress)
This doesn’t even include shopping, errands, doctor appointments, social things like parties or holidays.

this might not be his day now, but it will be when his father gets to weak to get out of bed.

you might want to ask yourself when will he have the energy or the time for you. I’m 49. Date night (maybe and rarely) if he can find outside help. Travel (more then likely isn’t going to happen). There is no magic time frame of when his fathers death time might come it could be 1-20 years. This is his life now and if you sign up it will be yours too. He is painting the rose colored picture for you without the actual details of hard labor, without the daily issues of self harm, urine, Pooh explosions, throw up, medical emergencies etc.
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Falling4ACrgvr Oct 2020
Hello and thank you for your insight. First, bless you and all that you do. I too have been a caregiver. Toughest job I’ve had to date. And I’m an attorney. The care that he provides for his father is rather circumscribed as you have here, although there are no recent vacations that he mentioned. He carries his father from room to room and up and down stairs. He bathes and dresses, cooks and cleans, pays the bills and shops. Changes diapers. He drives him to and from appointments. He reads to him. His siblings provide help on the weekends, but it is he who still has to lift him. He has to carve out a life for himself. I think that joining the dating app was the first step. At least he’s making an attempt at making his plans become reality. Now maybe his next step is paid caregivers a few times a week to free him up to have a bit of personal time. Maybe his siblings step up their involvement. I’ll keep you updated. Best to you!
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Meeting new people and finding a "connection" can be exciting, and I hope you can continue this "relationship" on that level, w/o expecting or even anticipating anything more.   

I would also heed the wise cautions you've been given by other posters.    Some accomplished con artists can be very cagey.   I'm not suggesting this man is like that, but you don't really know and background checks can be limited.

I wouldn't count on anything except what you have now.   His life could change dramatically.   But if he hints at needing help, make sure your ears are perked up b/c that could be a sign he's moving to a different level of relationship.   

Periodically there are threads similar if not almost identical to yours.   Woman meets man of her dreams, they become closer, she wants to help or he expresses a need for help, she becomes a helper, for free, and becomes frustrated b/c she's now a free caregiver, her own life is compromised, and she feels used, which is exactly what is happening.

So just be careful.   

And it could be that he has no interest in a long term relationship and just wants a talking friend during this period of caregiving.    I would wonder why he posted on a dating app if he's not in a position to date. 

That might be something to seriously consider.
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
"GardenArtist,"

Good point that "if he hints at needing help," she should pick up on that being a possible sign. For the reasons you mentioned, it probably wouldn't be a good idea for her to jump into a "caregiving" role to help him out especially at this stage of the game. She might find herself in a position she may find hard to get out off if she discovers it's not all she thought it would be.

I think like "Midkid58" said - take this VERRRRY slowly - it goes with the saying "haste makes waste" - don't rush anything that shouldn't be rushed.

I've found it's better to let things happen naturally - whenever something is forced that's when things often go awry!
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You haven't MET him?

I look good on paper, too. In person, I think a guy would be shocked, and not in a good way.

I'd take this VERRRRY slowly, and not get my hopes up.

His dad could live 10 more years. How long do you want to wait?

Sorry, I am SO skeptical of online dating apps. Have a friend ion her mid-50's who fell for a Nigerian money scam---to the tune of about $7K. She THOUGHT she was talking to a 50 yo businessman stationed in Cyprus. Right. The 'guy' was actually a 22 yo Nigerian national who DID live in the 'bad' part of Cyprus and she got far enough into this 'relationship' to fly to CYPRUS and find him.

Needless, to say, didn't end well. She's lucky she wasn't hurt, other than her pride.
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
"Midkid58,"

"Falling4ACrgvr" is way more gutsy than I would be. Actually, I couldn't do it at all.

Great point about "looking good on paper"- LOL.

I agree there are so many ways people can be scammed or taken advantage of. You're friend was extremely lucky she wasn't hurt in any other way except her pride! Hopefully, she only had to learn that lesson once because if she were to do it again, she might not be so lucky next time.
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You aren't asking for TOO MUCH, but you ARE asking for more than he has to give you.
Time? Energy? His is all spoken for.
You give us a PERFECT picture of what this fine gentleman has left "for you". So you do recognize the truth. It is abundantly clear, and it won't change at all. So............the only question is................
Is that enough for you?
Because nothing here will change, and he has let you know that.
I suggest that this gentleman remain a lovely friend for you.
You can give what you can give, but realistically you will STILL have time on your hands for a REAL relationship, and I would be honest in saying that I intend to keep looking for one on the app.
You may find one. You may not.
You may call him and he may tell you he met a wonderful woman on the app who wants to move in and help care for Dad. Good luck, then, to them all.
Were this me, I would make it clear that our lifestyles have huge differences in needs, and in abilities to give time and attention. I would say "I like you so much. I admire your intentions for your Dad, but right now Dad is your priority, and his needs mean you don't have a whole lot left over; I hope we can remain close friends."
So instead of asking what he can give to you, why not instead give to him; do you make a mean Lasagna Casserole? Be his good friend, and keep that app thing up to date, continue to try to find someone with time for YOU.
Wishing you luck and hoping for update.
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
Very, very well said "AlvaDeer"!
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I am with CM. How about for now just being a friend. Someone he can talk to and maybe "dump" on. Let him lead the way.

Caregiving is hard and sometimes effects the health of the Caregiver. Their days are focused on one person. Anytime they get is doing shopping and errands. No real time to themselves. Some just burn out. I really don't see this relationship "blossoming" anytime soon. I wouldn't hang my hat on it. Nor, would I go visit and help out after a month.

Go on with your life. Work, enjoy friends, have interests. Even if u saw this guy everyday for a month should you jump into anything.

I like that you appreciate our honesty. Some posters don't.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello! Thank you for your candor! I’ve been in his shoes. I’ve been burnt out. I did end up hiring around the clock help because I’m an attorney. I need to be sharp each day. “Relationship” was used out of context as I tend to use this word exchangeably with “friendship”. There has been no expectation set of me helping him in any capacity. I have a law practice. That’s just not possible right now. He’s also a 5 hour drive from me. He’s a great guy and I plan to keep him as a friend. He does need a good ear. If he plans to move forward with his life, meaning, hiring help or more sibling involvement then great. We can get to know each other more. Take care!
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Well. If you like him and you'd like to get to know him in future, I should keep busy with other things and enjoy the occasional little snippets of text.

Expecting anything more than that would be wildly optimistic and a little unreasonable. But a shared ray of sunshine every couple of days is not nothing, as long as it's not *all* you've got to enjoy.

Trying to "make it work," by the way, must inevitably add to his burden. He Does Not Have Time. And attempting to improve his caregiving productivity - while that might be possible in theory - would be outrageously presumptuous. Don't even think of doing that at this point.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello there! I agree. I think this guy is sincere. I have checked him out thoroughly (I’m an attorney). The last thing I want is to add more to his pile. My life is pretty busy. Dating has never held much priority as I could never seem to find the time. There’s also a five hour distance between us. There are many obstacles. Time will tell, but for now he is at the top of the friends list. Thanks for the wisdom!
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I don't want to burst your bubble, but how can you call this a "blossoming" relationship, when he sends you only "snippets" of texts. I'm sure that he is probably lonely looking after his dad, but is it really fair to leave you hanging for who knows how long until his dad dies? Gosh, that could be 10 plus years or more. Are you willing to put your life on hold and wait for someone that long? I wouldn't. You nor him are getting any younger you know.

I say remain friends,(if you want to)but you keep looking for someone that's more available, and in 10 years or more when his dad has died, if you nor him are in a relationship with someone else at the time, you can then revisit this. Best wishes.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello there! No please, burst away lol. I am an attorney with a law practice. My days are long. I’m long divorced but have not dated at all. I use relationship like I use friendship. As in my relationship with my friends, my daughters, etc. It’s not a relationship in context. We are 5 hours from each other. All we can be is good friends for now. And like you said, when his caregiving duties are relieved and we are both still single, then we will take the cue from there. Thank you and be well!
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Hi, as a caregiver in my 60's for my 94 year old Mom as much as I would love to have a serious romantic relationship it's totally impossible. I would say about 80% of my day is taking care of my Mom which leaves nothing left over.

The only way I can see your possible relationship working is if you went over to this guy's house and helped him take care of his Dad if this guy allows you to. You would need to learn about his Dad's needs and about caregiving.

As far as this guy being on a dating app, my guess is he is doing this because he needs an escape from caregiving as well as wishful intentions to hopefully have a romantic relationship one day.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't expect much from this guy because of his caregiving. I would look for someone else who is available in every way.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello! Thank you for your honesty. We are 5 hours from each other. I have a law practice. I’m not able to participate in caregiving. He has not asked or hinted at my participation. He wants a life of his own. I do believe that. But it’s far from his reach unless he gets a paid caregiver or his siblings to take over more often. Thank you so much and take care!
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This sounds horrible but until his father dies he is unavailable for you or even himself.

Is he the only caregiver to his dad? Is he retired? I was going to suggest to meet him for lunch at work if he still works.

Does he live near you? He must be lonely being his dad’s caregiver. It is isolating.

Do you have a time frame that you are willing to wait? I think that I would be honest with him. I wouldn’t lead him on if I weren’t planning on sticking around.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello! It is the truth, however brutal. He dad seems frail. He has not discussed his diagnosis yet. He carries his dad room to room and up and down steps all day. So this dear guy isn’t just exhausted from caregiving duties also but lifting his dad all day and in the middle of the night. That takes things up a notch.

He is the main caregiver and lives with his dad. He took early retirement to take care of his dad full time.

We are 5 hours away from each other. And with COVID we are not expecting to meet until it subsides to keep our own health and that of the people we care for safe.

We have talked by phone with his father nearby. He was honest and answered my questions. I guess I will give it until it’s safe to meet in person and meet his dad to assess the situation. I think that his stepping up to take care of his dad so his sisters don’t have to take it on and care for their families is sign of a noble guy. Caregiving almost always falls on the females in the family. I know because I did it and how it burnt me out. My brothers had their lives free of caregiving for our mom, dad and sister. Thank you!
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