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My amazing husband and I visit her at least once a week, sometimes twice. I do her laundry, and we always tend to whatever she asks of us, but she is sucking the life from my husband, who has several health problems.
he has two brothers, but one lives 600 miles away and doesn't really "get it". Thinks mom still has all her marbles. his other brother has a very demanding job, and really feels resentful of his mother's demanding, self serving behavior.
my husband is oldest(73). after we visit her, which amounts to her telling us about her recent delusions. My husband is still trying to bring her back to reality when this happens, and by the time we get home he's exhausted and falls asleep.
I am worried that he will die before his mother if this keeps up. he's a super responsible man, and doesn't set boundaries. I made a suggestion that he trades off visits, with me visiting alone one week, and the two of us visit together the other week. he has told me in the past that the visits are better when I go with him. he has agreed to this plan, so far. It's a new plan, so I've only visited alone once. He says I shouldn't have to do this, and he feels guilty. My only hope is that she dies soon so he can have a life, but she has very few medical problems.
How can I protect him from her? She apparently has always believed that it's all about her. Her husband was her servant, and when he died 20 yrs ago, her demands were placed on my husband, who lives closest

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Some people want their LO's to be living THEIR life along side them, not their own separate lives. Whether due to disease, dementia or narcisstic traits in their personality or a combination I know not.

For some it's a power or attention thing. As someone mentioned on another thread, their MIL liked to 'run' waiters & staff. Show em who's Boss lady etc.

Some separation, with love is healthy & recommended in these cases. ie drawing new boundaries. Stepping back where you need to.

"me visiting alone one week, and the two of us visit together the other week"

YES! A great start - I love your idea. Just take care.

MIL will be wanting DH's place as 'Servant Numero Uno' filled pronto. You may wish to scale back temporarily, with a view to winding back more, until the Assisted Living place MIL pays for is allowed to assist her. At present MIL may sleep there but you & DH are providing her assisted living, yes? Step this all back.

Laundry? AL. Most requests? AL where possible. Any running all over town for particular items? Delivery. Any running around for various Doctors? AL Doctor.

Please suggest your lovely DH read the Boundaries book by Townsend & Cloud.

"he's a super responsible man, and doesn't set boundaries".

Responsible people DO set boundaries. That's the key message. It IS healthy to stand up others, whether children, partners, workmates or elders, or they become entitled & spoilt brats.
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Hi,
Great suggestions in the thread.
Quite frankly, he'll need to interact with her as she is now, not as a person capable of using logic or empathy. She's in AL so that her needs can be met. Back off on the tasks you're doing and take advantage of what the AL offers (like laundry). Reduce the visits even more if you need to. Life's too short.
Your husband may find this article helpful, as well as watching some of the Teepa Snow videos on you tube about how to respond to a person with dementia. At least it may help him reassess how he interacts with her and be less stressed. Good luck,

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX
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The day you visit alone is the day DH sees his therapist.

Then he will not need to feel guilty as he will be taking positive action to keep himself alive and sane.

You deserve this request for him to see a therapist for putting up with her and allowing her to destroy your happiness.

He has to take some responsibility! I know you think he is being responsible but he really isn’t. He’s being abused and dragging you along for protection.

He has learned little about dementia if he continues to try to convince his mother of anything. Never mind the narcissism. I know that’s impossible to “never mind” but just saying….dementia alone is not to be argued with. It’s futile.

Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube and learn how she manages dementia conversations. She’s funny and positive and gives great demonstrations of how to move the conversation along.

You protect him by insisting he get help for himself, not for his mom. You can do this Deb. You are amazing and he is a lucky man.
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At 73 (and I assume you are around there), he is too old to be doing this without boundaries. Your plan sets in place some boundaries.

When she gets mean, it's "well, we'll talk soon." Then leave. If she talks nice about the AL, what she's doing there, then stay. The behavior is better around you because she DOES have a sense of boundaries with you but not him.
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That's why I just get up and leave.
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Adults don't need to be protected from their mothers. If you feel that he is being abused or taken advantage by his mother it's because he allows it. He is a consenting adult and there is nothing you can do about it.
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You cannot protect your husband from his mother......HE is the one who must set down some boundaries to protect his own heart and mind from her. Plus, he should learn all he can about dementia and stop trying to correct her delusions. That's an exercise in futility when dementia is involved and exhausts your husband, as you see, but won't stop his mother from harping on the same subject next time you speak to her. Keep the visits brief and full of diversions such as photos and snacks, and let lots of the calls go to voicemail.

Look into Memory Care Assisted Living which will give MIL a much higher level of care if she's too far along for regular Assisted Living. I had to move my mother from regular AL into Memory Care in June of 2019 when her dementia and physical limits became too great for AL to handle. She's 95 next month, has a narcissistic personality as well, and lives to complain about EVERYTHING under the sun. My husband always says we can put her up in the Palace of Versailles and she'd complain the gold was tarnished.

Good luck and Godspeed to both of you
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