We spend too much of our time together talking about current events and how divided everything is nowadays - I worry that I will think of a hundred questions to ask her after she is gone.
Sometimes just being there is enough. Does she watch tv? We talk about whatever is on the boob tube. Sometimes we put music on and just sing along. We also have an aura picture frame…we sit there for a long time watching the pictures scroll by and for each picture we get “who is that”….so that takes up a good portion of our time telling her who each person is, who they belong to, etc. hope this helps. I wasn’t sure what you were asking….like talk about on visits? Again….music is a great option.
Just left daily visit with MIL. Today’s topic of conversation was old photo books. We went through an old photo album. We also discussed that she worked for a school….getting kids college scholarships(this came up when she asked me what I did and I said I am a retired school teacher). We also talked about how every Saturday she would take her mom and aunt shopping, this was after I asked if she would like to go shopping tomorrow. So you see….somethings trigger a good response and then run with it….
Just being there is valuable, as was mentioned. Also, don't hesitate to just talk without expecting any kind of response. My own mom likes it when I just talk to her, without putting any pressure on her to be a part of the conversation. Sometimes she wants to, most times not. I just talk about whatever is going on in my life, or good memories of my mom, telling her always how much I love her, and what a good mom she was, and IS. She loves hearing that. And she wasn't always, because none of us are at our best all the time. Still, at this point in time, in her state, I just try to love on her. You did not indicate in any way that you have a problem with that; that is just me. The staff tells me that she is always calmer after my visits. Just to make certain that no one thinks that I am making myself out to be a saint, I almost went crazy when she was living with me, and I was not always so kind, to my shame. It is much easier for me now that she is in the right facility, and my visits are just that - visits. I wish you the best.
Thank you for both answering my fairly vague question - I like the suggestion of talking about good memories I have of mom and I like the idea of using an electronic picture frame as a way to talk about the past! I need to make an effort to make sure she knows that I think she was/is a good mom and I need to make sure she knows how much I admire her and dad successfully raising four children under financially trying situations. They definitely were part of the "greatest generation".
We spend too much of our time together talking about current events and how divided everything is now days - I worry that I will think of a hundred questions to ask her after she is gone.
My father passed 25 years ago at age 74 and I've always wished I had been more interested in the details of his life while growing up, serving in WWII, etc. I know the facts - just don't remember ever asking him to talk about them from his point of view.
Thank you both for helping me focus my thoughts on this topic!
Look at photos together and be sure to label them for future generations. Write diwn or record conversations about her childhood, her relationships with older generation family members, how did she meet your father, what were her thoughts/experiences when she was pg with you, what were her finest moments, what were her regrets??? If you are Believers, ask her to give you her blessing.
Of course some of it depends upon what she desires, If I had more time with my dad, I would ask him even more about what his life was like - as a kid, adolescent, adult, whatever. Most people love to review their lives, and it’s really interesting. And you learn what is significant to her, what she wants you to remember. A birthday “game,” but one you can do anytime of year is “one memory from each five years of life.” You can share your own memories too - she’ll enjoy hearing yours as well.
You could ask her to help you create a list of what life taught her wisdoms. Like how to cope with war and aging and inequality (or new freedoms and massive change in attitudes given her age). Or ask her what she liked best in each era. Clothes, hair styles, political leaders, appliances (black and white tv consoles and wall phones with cords come to mind), attitudes, funny moments, hardest obstacles. Id have a way to record the conversations.
My parents are 81 and 79 years old. I read something that tells me what happened this day in history. For instance, yesterday was the Kennedy assassination in 1963.
I messaged her and asked where she and dad were that day when they heard.
It led to pages of conversation and I found out so much about my parent's lives.
I feel blessed that they still have the ability to remember things like this...even though they can't tell me what they ate for dinner last night.
I'd ask her about fun things she did in her life: schooling, traveling, raising kids, etc. I'd tell her funny jokes. My mom had Alzheiermr's from te time she was 87-94, so sometimes she'd make things up, about playing golf with Tiger Woods, for example. She played golf, but on an amateur league, but if she thought her skills were of a higher calibre, that's fine. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I'd stick with positive things with your mom at this stage of things, to share a good laugh or a smile.
What did you talk to her about 1 year ago? 3 Years ago? 20 Years ago? Everyone's life is winding down we just don't know how tight the spring is when we start. Start asking the questions you want answered. Tell her you want to start a diary. Better yet if you can record your conversations you will have a visual diary that you can watch anytime. It might be late for this year but it would be an awesome family gift. Where did she come from? How did she meet your dad? What were her parents and grandparents like? Keep it all no pressure. If she does not know an answer don't push, move on. Let her lead the way
Talk about the happiest times in her life. Bring them back to her.
Ask everything you can about her family. Record the conversations by filming these on your phone. Ask her to tell her favorite memories of her parents and grandparents. Funny stories, happy stories, sad times. Miracles she witnessed.
Holidays? Traditions? My family, who lived in the north, actually travelled by horse-driven sleigh for the snowy months.
Research the timeline of her life and ask about important events if she can remember. Where was she when she learned about the attack on Pearl Harbor? Ask lots of follow-up questions so the memories come alive.
Not long before my dad passed away, we drove to the house where his parents had married (it had belonged to his mother’s aunt). We saw a lady walking her dog and dad asked if we could stand inside her house at the bottom of the stairway where his parents had said their vows. Dad could barely walk.
At the time, I was very irritated and embarrassed ?why are we asking this stranger if we can go in her house? Etc., etc.
The lady let us in, and we all stood in the spot. Dad told us how we were all alive because of that one special moment and that very spot.
We were all crying, even the homeowner. This is a very precious moment to me now. I’m mad at myself for being irritated. That moment was a priceless gift.
The next time I saw Dad he was in the hospital suffering from a stroke. He could communicate again, but he was never the same. What I would give for even one of those hard moments!
Enjoy your mom for where she is, for who she is. If she can’t remember, just hug her and laugh. Ask her all her favorite songs from her lifetime. Play her favorite songs from her youth and adulthood on your phone. It will soothe her.
Soak up every moment that you can. Someday there will be no new memories —so fill your mind’s archives while you still can.
Many good responses below. Those memories of her life and family are precious. Ask everything you can or better yet just let her talk.
The last year of my father's life through many days sitting in the hospital and rehab with him I learned so much! So much I had never heard before. It was such a gift to share that time with him.
You WILL think of a hundred questions to ask her after she dies, no matter how many you ask now. You should spend the present talking about the things your mother is interested in talking about. You might ask her some questions about her life and family history, but use her responses ad a guide. Is she interested and eager in sharing her stories? She very well may love reminiscing, but you don't want all of your conversations to be "End-of-Life Interviews."
If you have a couple of questions in your mind right now, ask them. Bring out old pictures and talk about them. Video her reminiscing. Tape her voice. Let her talk about whatever she wants. Ask her what her best advice is, what foods she loves, her favorite times, ask about her family long gone, her memories as a little girl, anything. ( I have even copied and kept voicemail messages that my mother left on my machine that were so cute and still make me smile).
Play some music from her youth. Are you church goers? Sing some hymns. Turn off the news channels if you're watching them. During Christmas season, I watched the Lifetime channel with my Mom. We enjoyed the Christmas music when it was on. And we sometimes made fun of the "they are fighting now, but will be kissing 5 minutes before the show is scheduled to end" formula for almost every program. PBS offers Nature and Nova shows that are beautiful. I've searched for a game I can play with my husband who can't seem to even remember the rules to UNO. The best one so far is called Eye see. It is a bunch of cards with pictures that if you recognize them and then can answer, or guess at a T - F question, you can win. My husband is not severely advanced and can still remember old things. He just forgets things that happened 5 minutes ago, and who the current president is, date and day of the week, that he needs to take a bath... So if your Mother is too advanced, I realize this game won't work. I try to find activities we can "do together", realizing that I'm going to be doing most of the doing. It's really tricky. But otherwise we don't really have conversations much either. I think the person suggesting revisiting old photos has a good idea.
Since it is the time of year we celebrate, ask her what is her favorite memory on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Get out photos and discuss who is in the photo, etc. Once the conversation starts it will lead to others. When my Mom had to down-size and we were deciding what to keep, there was a bowl and pitcher on her dining room table. When I ask her what she wanted to do with it, she shared a story about how her Mom used the bowl to make biscuits and she would put milk in the pitcher. Many years had gone by, saw them in her table but now I have them and share the story with my children. Just sharing this to give you an example of how curiosity becomes memories.
I asked my ailing 91 year old Mother to record her life story using the VoiceApp that is resident on her iPad. My 93 year old Dad helped her with the mechanics. She didn't need any guidance in terms of subject matter and I ended up with eleven different recordings!
I think it's really nice you're visiting with your mother & that you're able to talk about current events; that she has the ability to DO that at 99 years old. When I visit my soon-to-be 95 y/o mother, all she talks about is hateful things & going to visit her dead relatives and/or where they are living or why they're not coming to see her and ignoring her?
If you're worried about the questions you should have asked her after she is gone, write a list of them NOW and ask them. Maybe even record her answers so you'll have them to listen to forever.
I have an account on a website called Golden Carers. It is amazing. My great grandmother and I look at "this day in history" and do trivia/quizzes every day! Note: the history channel and other websites also have "this day in history" for free. Golden Carers is about $50/a year or so, but was worth every penny to me.
I should have asked more about my dads estate before he got dementia. After he died it was a scavenger hunt to figure it all out. Also I knew very little about his side of the family and his early life. Wish I’d have asked more when he was still able to tell me.
after mom died, we went through the bank safe deposit box. all sorts of jewelry..expensive and not so but were clue less as to their significance..who they once belonged to..even on old foreign military medal.lost family history...same with photos from the early 1920s plus! what a shame.
We have used a little product called Table Topics with great success at my house. It's a box of conversation starter cards and I highly recommend it. We use it at dinner sometimes so we don't fall into the trap of interrogating our kids about their day, just because we don't know what else to say to show we're interested in them. It's especially fun when the grandparents come visit and we always learn something new about them.
They're really fun and you just skip whatever ones don't seem relevant. And you won't give off that awful "tell me everything because you have one foot in the grave" vibe.
Ask her stories. Maybe about your family’s ancestors, or about her childhood. Ask her about Christmases when she was a child, what her teen years were like, how many boyfriends she had, and what her friends were like.
I’ll be her stories are AMAZING. Listening to them would be a real gift.
One idea is to keep a notebook with you and write down your questions when you think of them. Then, take them with you on your visits.
You WILL have a hundred questions when she's gone. The most important thing to do now is cherish your time together. What will be foremost in your mind are the moments you shared with each other.
My husband's niece talks to my husband about family history. She lost her mom as a teen and is in here 30's and full of questions now. My husband and other relatives are able to answer many of those questions. Perhaps you can use similar avenues to find satisfaction to unanswered questions after your mom is gone.
Think of every subject that involves people - legal, medical, religious, financial, etc. Think outside the box and beyond when she is gone. Try to lead her to think what she would like in certain instances so you can carry out her wishes. Ask her if she wants to tell you certain things you should know. Do it now - don't wait. This may be the last chance you get and you need to know as much as possible. Also, talk to her about your life and growing up, etc. Good luck.
Yes, yes, yes, this is exactly what I was thinking right before I read this answer. When my aunt died, a wealth of family history went with her that I wish had been recorded.
Certainly younger family will want to know about her childhood- likes interests, how she felt about new inventions, what made her afraid, happy, sad, worried, frustrated. Who was a favorite teacher and why. Who helped her. Who frustrated her. Advice for marriage, raising kids, balancing life, aging. . Favorite movie stars.... Make an All About Me book of her answers.
Also as others said make sure all her final wishes are known, where all her papers are. Who to contact.
Yes, 'All About Me'; when my mom was diagnosed with a form of Alzheimer's and it was clear she was in steep decline I took out the family photo albums and copied all the pictures of just her and captioned them; I made them into a book and she was tickled to death to 'see' herself through the years and it sparked a lot of conversation between us. At that point it was way OK to let go of how she'd been such a Narcissist, so self centered, because she was gradually leaving this life and needed a boost. She treasured that little album of her life memories, made her less anxious about her situation.
Mint, I wish I could have asked questions about our ancestry.
Every generation loses the knowledge of prior generations, sometimes one, sometimes more. It is a shame what we don't know about the family we came from.
Hearing the stories and experiences can help us understand so many things.
I am confused as to the question - Is is that you do not know the 100 questions you had wished you had asked her and didn't know at the time to ask?
There are two ways to look at this (from my perspective): 1) Write down the questions you think you'll consider after she is gone. Keep a list. Don't hold back; don't censure yourself/ questions / thoughts. 2) What is in your way of accessing those questions now? Sounds like you know they are inside you, somewhere. and, yes, a #3: 3) You CAN talk to her after she transcends. I do this all the time with my mother and clients. But, don't wait. oh, and a #4: 4) Ask your mom open ended questions and do not expect a linear answer. Let her go on and on however she responds. Acknowledge her words, her feelings, which is reflective listening - you are reflecting back what you hear. This may or will encourage her to keep talking. And, ok and here is a #5 5) Don't ask her any questions to do with memory 'per se' as she may not be able to recall (you know, we don't). For instance, I might say something about being a mother (if she knows you are her daughter) vs any specific situation of you growing up or an interaction between the two of you. And the last # - 6 6) Let her lead the conversation. Weave in whatever you are curious about and if you are so inclined, tape her on your phone. Even one conversation may feel special enough to have as a memory.
hope this helps. I wasn’t sure what you were asking….like talk about on visits? Again….music is a great option.
We spend too much of our time together talking about current events and how divided everything is now days - I worry that I will think of a hundred questions to ask her after she is gone.
My father passed 25 years ago at age 74 and I've always wished I had been more interested in the details of his life while growing up, serving in WWII, etc. I know the facts - just don't remember ever asking him to talk about them from his point of view.
Thank you both for helping me focus my thoughts on this topic!
If you are Believers, ask her to give you her blessing.
I messaged her and asked where she and dad were that day when they heard.
It led to pages of conversation and I found out so much about my parent's lives.
I feel blessed that they still have the ability to remember things like this...even though they can't tell me what they ate for dinner last night.
Everyone's life is winding down we just don't know how tight the spring is when we start.
Start asking the questions you want answered.
Tell her you want to start a diary.
Better yet if you can record your conversations you will have a visual diary that you can watch anytime. It might be late for this year but it would be an awesome family gift.
Where did she come from? How did she meet your dad? What were her parents and grandparents like?
Keep it all no pressure. If she does not know an answer don't push, move on.
Let her lead the way
Ask everything you can about her family. Record the conversations by filming these on your phone. Ask her to tell her favorite memories of her parents and grandparents. Funny stories, happy stories, sad times. Miracles she witnessed.
Holidays? Traditions? My family, who lived in the north, actually travelled by horse-driven sleigh for the snowy months.
Research the timeline of her life and ask about important events if she can remember. Where was she when she learned about the attack on Pearl Harbor? Ask lots of follow-up questions so the memories come alive.
Not long before my dad passed away, we drove to the house where his parents had married (it had belonged to his mother’s aunt). We saw a lady walking her dog and dad asked if we could stand inside her house at the bottom of the stairway where his parents had said their vows. Dad could barely walk.
At the time, I was very irritated and embarrassed ?why are we asking this stranger if we can go in her house? Etc., etc.
The lady let us in, and we all stood in the spot. Dad told us how we were all alive because of that one special moment and that very spot.
We were all crying, even the homeowner. This is a very precious moment to me now. I’m mad at myself for being irritated. That moment was a priceless gift.
The next time I saw Dad he was in the hospital suffering from a stroke. He could communicate again, but he was never the same. What I would give for even one of those hard moments!
Enjoy your mom for where she is, for who she is. If she can’t remember, just hug her and laugh. Ask her all her favorite songs from her lifetime. Play her favorite songs from her youth and adulthood on your phone. It will soothe her.
Soak up every moment that you can. Someday there will be no new memories —so fill your mind’s archives while you still can.
The last year of my father's life through many days sitting in the hospital and rehab with him I learned so much! So
much I had never heard before. It was such a gift to share that time with him.
When my Mom had to down-size and we were deciding what to keep, there was a bowl and pitcher on her dining room table. When I ask her what she wanted to do with it, she shared a story about how her Mom used the bowl to make biscuits and she would put milk in the pitcher. Many years had gone by, saw them in her table but now I have them and share the story with my children. Just sharing this to give you an example of how curiosity becomes memories.
If you're worried about the questions you should have asked her after she is gone, write a list of them NOW and ask them. Maybe even record her answers so you'll have them to listen to forever.
Best of luck.
They're really fun and you just skip whatever ones don't seem relevant. And you won't give off that awful "tell me everything because you have one foot in the grave" vibe.
I’ll be her stories are AMAZING. Listening to them would be a real gift.
You WILL have a hundred questions when she's gone. The most important thing to do now is cherish your time together. What will be foremost in your mind are the moments you shared with each other.
My husband's niece talks to my husband about family history. She lost her mom as a teen and is in here 30's and full of questions now. My husband and other relatives are able to answer many of those questions. Perhaps you can use similar avenues to find satisfaction to unanswered questions after your mom is gone.
Hope some of this helps.
Also as others said make sure all her final wishes are known, where all her papers are. Who to contact.
Every generation loses the knowledge of prior generations, sometimes one, sometimes more. It is a shame what we don't know about the family we came from.
Hearing the stories and experiences can help us understand so many things.
Is is that you do not know the 100 questions you had wished you had asked her and didn't know at the time to ask?
There are two ways to look at this (from my perspective):
1) Write down the questions you think you'll consider after she is gone.
Keep a list.
Don't hold back; don't censure yourself/ questions / thoughts.
2) What is in your way of accessing those questions now? Sounds like you know they are inside you, somewhere.
and, yes, a #3:
3) You CAN talk to her after she transcends.
I do this all the time with my mother and clients. But, don't wait.
oh, and a #4:
4) Ask your mom open ended questions and do not expect a linear answer. Let her go on and on however she responds. Acknowledge her words, her feelings, which is reflective listening - you are reflecting back what you hear. This may or will encourage her to keep talking.
And, ok and here is a #5
5) Don't ask her any questions to do with memory 'per se' as she may not be able to recall (you know, we don't). For instance, I might say something about being a mother (if she knows you are her daughter) vs any specific situation of you growing up or an interaction between the two of you.
And the last # - 6
6) Let her lead the conversation. Weave in whatever you are curious about and if you are so inclined, tape her on your phone. Even one conversation may feel special enough to have as a memory.
Gena
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