She may not like showers. Try baths and suggest that they are "spa moments". She would probably love music, scented candles, warmed up bathroom, warm towels and clothes (fresh from the dryer)...
You can try washing her hair in the sink or get a "dry shampoo" for most times her hair needs to be cleaned. There are also shampoo caps that have rinse-less shampoo in them. Make sure the shampoo in the cap is warmed up. Usually you just need to dry hair with a towel afterwards.
You can also opt for "airplane bath" on days she is not cooperative. An airplane bath is a sponge bath that focuses on areas: "under the wings" (arm pits) and "under the tail" (genitals and bottom).
First: Is the shower safe for her? Does she feel safe in the shower? Is it a walk in shower or a tub shower? The first thing that comes to mind is she is afraid that she is going to fall. Provide a shower bench with a back or a chair. Make sure there are secure grab bars. If it is a shower with a sliding door remove it. The towel bars are often used as a grab bar and they are not sturdy. Put a shower curtain up and replace the towel bars with grab bars.
If she has dementia (diagnosed or not) there are a LOT of steps to "take a shower" You have to undress, turn on the water, adjust the water, get in, get wet, get the shampoo....and on and on. It can be to much. Think about it the next time you take a shower count each step that you do. I was also told by a PT that the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas and some people with dementia do not like being hit in the face, chest, head with water. The bathroom is also a loud place with the water going, the fan going so there is a lot of stimulation.
AND last but not least.... It might be time that YOU step in and monitor all bathroom activities. Is she toileting properly? is she washing her hands? is she brushing her teeth? It is not just the shower that has to be monitored.
Do not stress about daily showers. 2 or 3 times a week is fine if she is cleaning properly after toileting.
And you can hire a caregiver for the shower days. That might make it easier on you as well as mom.
Sponge bath in her bed or sitting somewhere. Use baby / handi-wipes. Is she in a facility? Staff should be able to do something to keep her clean. Does she use the toilet or incontinent? How do you (or how does she) keep her/self clean in this regard?
Realize arguing won't help. Some people have a fear of shower(s) - water. Ask her / encourage her to talk to you about how she feels. She might have a fear of drowning (as I've read here), or have hallucinations.
My mother turned on her "company manners" and became very polite and compliant when a stranger was around, and that even included letting that stranger bathe her. (Go figure.)
She flat-out refused to let my dad bathe her, but she was a little better with me. I used to tell her "Close your eyes and think of England," which was supposedly what Queen Victoria's mother told her when she was mortified at being required to give birth in front of various government ministers to ensure that the baby was truly born from a queen. Mom enjoyed that line.
This happened to the often activated call light lady. Aide to her it was her shower day, she didn't want to take one, just stay in bed. Aide mentioned her smelling. Her response was ask her roommate. She doesn't care .
End result she was Hoyer lifted into the shower chair went to the shower room to get a shower. Back to room, back to bed.
“Telling them” instead of asking still needs to be done in a loving way. It worked for my mom & grandparents all with different dementia, but does not with my dad. Totally freaks him out!!! Leads to a much worse situation. He did decent with us for 2 years & is now refusing & you can see the stress/fear & frustration in his eyes. We are at the point of definitely needing someone else coming in to do it. You May have to look into that as well, even if it’s self pay. Some places will come in for an hour or 2 a couple times per week.
Same with my Dad. I finally told him that the doctor said he needed a sponge bath weekly. He respects his doctor so he agreed. I let him stay in his chair. I warm towels in the dryer and drape those over him. While I’m washing him he sits with his feet in a warm tub. I do those last then massage them with lotion. He loves that. Good luck!
My mom refuses a shower from one caregiver and will accept it from another who does it as opportunity arises - she is already in the bathroom and worn the same dress already - goal is twice a week. Only recently did we get my mom to change to a night gown for the night. Oh! and brushing teeth! THERE'S another item! Again, catch her in the bathroom and hand her the toothbrush. "What's that" I got one day. Another day it was "why do you care?" after having been to the dentist that day because a tooth hurt. I can laugh, cry, or get mad. I LAUGH - tragically funny. Laughter allows your brain to think so one of the best reactions to get to if you can. Nothing we can do about our LO an losing memory or delusional sometimes. Once in awhile we get a great moment / discussion and then it is worth it. THANK YOU for this forum!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am part of a team of 7 who care for a lady with dementia. She cannot express herself with words. She is mobile, and only cooperates for one caregiver when any sort of hygiene is approached, or even just changing a shirt. Thankfully, that person works 2 shifts a week. The rest of us feel badly, but it is not worth the catastrophic behavior and a possible heart attack ( hers or ours ) 🥴to try to clean her.
Agree with everyone about sounds like dementia. I had a hard time with getting my aunt to shower. She stopped letting me help her and started lying that she sponge bathed. She would let the then home attendant help, though.
I gave Mom a bath about 3xva week. In between when I dressed her, I washed under her arms and put deodorant on. I never asked, I just took her into the bathroom and told her "bath time". If its a tub shower there is a bar u can get that fits on the tub wall she can hold onto while getting in the shower. As suggested, a shower chair and hand held shower head make things easier. The room should be warm. Elderly get cold easily. I used to spray Mom down then suds her up, rinse. I had her stand, holding on to grab bar, with feet apart and clean her back end and spray the warm water to clean her private parts. A towel had been placed on the toilet so it just was a matter of transferring her from the shower seat to the toilet seat where I dried her down.
First make sure that she has a shower bench/chair in place along with a slip proof shower mat, grab bars and hand held shower head. Having those items in place should help make her feel more safe and secure. And the fact that she's not wanting to shower leads me to believe that she has some type of dementia going on as well, as that is very common with folks suffering from dementia. You may want to try not asking her but TELLING her it's time to go take a shower, and you may have to even help her get in and out and help wash her up as I had to do with my late husband. Or you can hire aides(with moms money)that will come out specifically to bathe or give your mom a shower. You can also use the extra large body wipes to clean her body in between showers and the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps to wash her hair. Both work great and can be ordered on either Amazon or Walmart.com.
Tell us more. Is your mother in the throes of dementia, and if so, what stage? Why does your mother say she doesn't wish to get into the shower. Are you able to assist her with bathing otherwise?
You can try washing her hair in the sink or get a "dry shampoo" for most times her hair needs to be cleaned. There are also shampoo caps that have rinse-less shampoo in them. Make sure the shampoo in the cap is warmed up. Usually you just need to dry hair with a towel afterwards.
You can also opt for "airplane bath" on days she is not cooperative. An airplane bath is a sponge bath that focuses on areas: "under the wings" (arm pits) and "under the tail" (genitals and bottom).
Is the shower safe for her?
Does she feel safe in the shower?
Is it a walk in shower or a tub shower?
The first thing that comes to mind is she is afraid that she is going to fall.
Provide a shower bench with a back or a chair.
Make sure there are secure grab bars.
If it is a shower with a sliding door remove it. The towel bars are often used as a grab bar and they are not sturdy. Put a shower curtain up and replace the towel bars with grab bars.
If she has dementia (diagnosed or not) there are a LOT of steps to "take a shower"
You have to undress, turn on the water, adjust the water, get in, get wet, get the shampoo....and on and on. It can be to much. Think about it the next time you take a shower count each step that you do.
I was also told by a PT that the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas and some people with dementia do not like being hit in the face, chest, head with water.
The bathroom is also a loud place with the water going, the fan going so there is a lot of stimulation.
AND last but not least....
It might be time that YOU step in and monitor all bathroom activities.
Is she toileting properly?
is she washing her hands?
is she brushing her teeth?
It is not just the shower that has to be monitored.
Do not stress about daily showers. 2 or 3 times a week is fine if she is cleaning properly after toileting.
And you can hire a caregiver for the shower days. That might make it easier on you as well as mom.
Use baby / handi-wipes.
Is she in a facility? Staff should be able to do something to keep her clean.
Does she use the toilet or incontinent? How do you (or how does she) keep her/self clean in this regard?
Realize arguing won't help.
Some people have a fear of shower(s) - water. Ask her / encourage her to talk to you about how she feels. She might have a fear of drowning (as I've read here), or have hallucinations.
Gena / Touch Matters
She flat-out refused to let my dad bathe her, but she was a little better with me. I used to tell her "Close your eyes and think of England," which was supposedly what Queen Victoria's mother told her when she was mortified at being required to give birth in front of various government ministers to ensure that the baby was truly born from a queen. Mom enjoyed that line.
End result she was Hoyer lifted into the shower chair went to the shower room to get a shower. Back to room, back to bed.
She will certainly need a shower chair and help getting in there.
Yes, nothing like a nice warm cozy towel.
She is mobile, and only cooperates for one caregiver when any sort of hygiene is approached, or even just changing a shirt.
Thankfully, that person works 2 shifts a week.
The rest of us feel badly, but it is not worth the catastrophic behavior and a possible heart attack ( hers or ours ) 🥴to try to clean her.
I love your answer!
I did the same thing with my mom. I made statements rather than asking questions.
We don’t need to ask for their permission or if they want to take a bath. Bathing is a normal part of everyone’s personal hygiene routine.
I don’t see any reason why we should give a person who has dementia an opportunity to say no.
We don’t need to burden them with making all of their decisions when we know that it’s in their best interests to be clean.
And the fact that she's not wanting to shower leads me to believe that she has some type of dementia going on as well, as that is very common with folks suffering from dementia.
You may want to try not asking her but TELLING her it's time to go take a shower, and you may have to even help her get in and out and help wash her up as I had to do with my late husband.
Or you can hire aides(with moms money)that will come out specifically to bathe or give your mom a shower.
You can also use the extra large body wipes to clean her body in between showers and the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps to wash her hair. Both work great and can be ordered on either Amazon or Walmart.com.
Is your mother in the throes of dementia, and if so, what stage?
Why does your mother say she doesn't wish to get into the shower.
Are you able to assist her with bathing otherwise?