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I don’t live close to the facility but I stay at my dad’s for 3-4 days at a time, every other week because he does live close to the SNF and I can spend time with him ( he’s 87) and visit with her.My dad feels really weird about visiting her. He feels like he might upset her or make her angry. He has gone maybe about 5 times in the 3 years she’s been there. Last year on her birthday he did visit her. There was no bad incident but she didn’t really pay attention to him or care too much that he was there.Here is my question. I want to have a little get together for her upcoming birthday. I want my dad to be there and my niece and nephew ( they rarely visit but I thought it would be nice to have them there. Is this a good idea? She does have Alzheimer’s so I’m hoping she is not overwhelmed by the occasion.i really just want her to have a lovely day on her 90 th birthday. What do you think?

You will be doing this for you, not her, you want to make yourself feel better about her being in a facility.

The facility will have something for her, this is her home now.

I would make it short and sweet as she will not remember the occasion anyway.

As for your father, I wouldn't force the issue.
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Reply to MeDolly
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My mom, who has dementia, lives in a memory care assisted-living facility. She turned 97 last week. I think the staff celebrated her with a cake and maybe a birthday "crown" or something. I visited in the afternoon, while my sister and my brother and his wife were there. My mom wouldn't have known it was her birthday if she hadn't been told it was her birthday, but she still understands the concept of "birthday" and I think she was pleased (in her quiet way) to have the day marked by the staff and by visits from family members.
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Reply to Rosered6
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Usually the facility will mark a resident’s birthday. They take pictures and have cake and sing the birthday song. Ask mom’s facility what they do, plan it together and have family visit during it.

Keep their visit short. What’s a normal birthday party for us can present problems for those with dementia. Don’t do presents with wrappings and ribbons. The patient may not understand the gifts or how to open them, may show inappropriate behavior, may become upset at the change in daily life.

Good luck!
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Reply to Fawnby
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You know your mother so you'd be the best judge of whether or not she can handle it. Does she get agitated and start panicking if there's any deviation in her daily routine? If not, then it should be okay if she doesn't get worked up very easily. Bring a cake and maybe some balloons at lunchtime. The earlier in the day the better for most people with Alzheimer's or any other kind of dementia. Tell the niece and nephew (grandkids) that there is a possibility that she may get overwhelmed and if she does everyone has to go. Tell this to your father, but invite him too. If it starts to go downhill, the party's over.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Its a fine idea, but what you want and what others are willing to do may be two different things. If you can get dad and your niece and nephew to agree to visit, great. If not, go alone to celebrate moms 90th. And leave if you see mom getting tired, overwhelmed, or looking upset.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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It’s a fine idea and I cannot imagine your dad’s hesitation in visiting his wife. Sounds like flimsy reasoning to me. My brother used to say he couldn’t see my mother in the nursing home as it upset his children. It became clear who it upset was just him. My children, now adults, visited once a week, and now tell me they all learned valuable lessons by going to the nursing home regularly. They learned compassion and considering the plight of others. Enjoy the birthday with mom, it will be bittersweet, but making the best of it is what we all do sometimes
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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"What do you think?" I think it's very odd that your dad "feels really weird" about visiting his own wife. Or am I missing something, like maybe they're divorced or something?
Besides that, if your parents are still married of course he should be there to celebrate her birthday along with any other family members you want there.
But of course I would keep the celebration short and sweet as not to overwhelm your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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BurntCaregiver Aug 20, 2025
Funky,

It's not weird that the father is hesitant about visiting his wife with Alzheimer's in a care facility. A lot of men from his generation are like that. It doesn't mean these men don't love and care about their wives. They're from a generation where they didn't see anything. Most of them never even changed one of their kids diapers when they were babies.
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