It’s a double edged sword. I totally understand. But a different scenario with my son’s death when he was only 15. Your LO couldn’t help what was going on. It was difficult and heartbreaking 💔 but we keep going and doing. Our lives are easier now and we NEVER chose this. Its been almost 30 years and I still feel sad sometimes. Our pain changes. Use it to do good for others as much as you can. My heart goes out to you.
I feel like I could have posted this - my mom passed a few weeks ago and as her caretaker for 4 years I witnessed her decline and watched her suffering so it is only natural to feel relief when she was free of it. But I keep replaying the times I was impatient or frustrated and feel very guilty about many things. I am learning to replace that with all I did do for her care and genuine love we had for each other thru the most difficult time for us both. The best word that helps me is FORGIVENESS -for my mother and for myself. "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet leaves on the heel that crushed it" is something I read that has stuck with me. And I know it will take a lot of time to reconcile these feelings of grief and relief but lets be kind to ourselves. You gave a decade of your life - you and I both need to be at peace with doing what we could with what we had (and lack of support,etc.).
There is no need to feel guilt over feeling relief at a passing, Tamrad1965. It's alright to feel relief, even for yourself--especially for yourself.
I reject the phony sentiment that the collective society makes us feel that we're not allowed to feel relief FOR OURSELVES. It IS alright to feel relief that YOUR suffering at the caregiving stress and perhaps of the use of your finite life's minutes that caregiving is over. While our dying loved ones and their comfort are the highest priority, caregivers matter too.
I know that sounds shocking, but a caregiver, for the incalculable stress that we've already been through, does NOT have to accept the added burden of "You can't feel relief that you're free".
You're darned right I felt relief when my mom died. I was in a horrific situation and more dead than alive. I was--and still am--relieved that when Mom passed her pain was over and she is with her son--my brother--and her beloved ancestors on the other side. At that point I could look ahead to my recovery and my new life with great relief.
Relief? I felt almost nothing but relief when my Dad died, and I wasn't even caring for him. He was in his 90s, had a blood dyscrasia and was doing OK, but weakening, exhausted, and he had already told me he wanted to go, was so tired, had had a wonderful life but was ready. I am 80.I can feel that time approaching. I am ready to go and I fear the future. I remember standing outside their little cottage and thinking I felt NOTHING but relief, that he had nothing coming at him any more, that he was at peace and at rest, that I never had to be afraid for him again, that my Mom would not crumble over fear for him, over trying to do it all to save and spare his strength. I felt nothing but relief. We all die. I don't see how being able to recognize that the end is about loss upon loss upon loss upon loss is a bad thing? You are relieved for yourself so you don't have to be fearful and worry and witnessing what you witnessed. And you are relieved for her, that SHE is at rest. Embrace the relief. As to guilt, I have come to loathe the word. Because it is a wrong word and we use it and use it until we BELIEVE we are evil felons. And the truth is that evil felons never felt grief in their lives. You are feeling GRIEF, not guilt. Words matter. You are a human being, not a God, and it is hubris to think that we were/are God, that it is all in our hands. Sorry. It ISN'T in our hands. Easily 50% of life is not under our own control. Were there times you were not perfect? Again, are you GOD? Yes, there were times you weren't perfect. Please write back when the perfect person is found here on earth. 10 years. I can't even begin to say the admiration I have for you; I knew all my life I never could do in home care, and I was a NURSE. I loved it, and for 8 hours three or four days a week it was great. Good pay. Time off. People praising me all the time. That isn't care 24/7 at all. So kudos to you. I think also consider some of your feelings is coming from deep and hidden terror for yourself. The thought of "what is NEXT now for ME?" You have a road much traveled and it is gone suddenly. Now what road do you choose? It has to be on some level terrifying. Celebrate Mom, mourn her, make a little book and talk to her about ALL you feel in it, collage it. Take your time. Move slow. Move out and start by watching the birds. My heart out to you. My best wishes out to you. Please take good care of yourself. Mourning puts us in a fragile state. Eat well, exercise, put on some lotions, care for yourself.
Your post has given me the push to get up and go back to a nursing home where my 67 year old brother is dying in Hospice care. Disabled since age 4 polio, he was in iron lung and a life of braces and wheelchairs. He made the best of it all, never complaining or bitter. He got sick over a year ago, on a ventilator, tube fed, and I have been with him in every hospital, ER, ICU, critical care and now nh. So many emerg transfers from nh even the residents at hospitals remember me. With every admission he has declined, never able to be weaned off vent, anytime they tried solid food he aspirated. His body systems are now failing, vent is only thing keeping him alive. It is a slower process that even hospice expected, but he is in transition. I have 2 younger brothers who have had no participation in his care, and minimal visitation. They live in neighborhood with my dying brother, I live 3 hours away. My life has been on pause/hold for over a year handling his care, paying his medical bills, qualifying for medicaid, etc. My "guilt" is I promised to bring him home. I have seen all his worst moments, the procedures and his begging me not to leave him at end of visitation. I couldn't even bring him home to die due to the vent. As I am watching his final days, a brother is starting to act as though I am killing him with hospice, wanted me to stop morphine to "see if he will wake up." I should have pulled in Hospice earlier but still had hope. He would never have been able to live at home again, being on level of late stage ALS due to post polio syndrome. Once the funeral is over, I will go back home to my husband to heal. I am trying to view my negative brother's behavior as his regret/guilt, its crushed me, but though I've handled this before with parents, I'm feeling raw and fragile. I have a medical background and understand the process. I will read your post as I watch my darling brother peacefully pass away, and try to remember guilt has no place when love is in charge. Thank you again
The wonderful hospice servies that helped Mom and myself said that this would happen and it's a natural feeling. I look at it in a couple of ways. I equate the very real, honest reliefe of not being a caregiver any more, as standing in the ocean-about waist deep in the warm water. I can feel a gentle swell just begining to lift me off of my feet, and it does, I just rise with the swell and then as gently it sets me down. That's how the reliefe felt to me. I knew I did everything I could as a caregiver, and would not let guilt get me down, not when I sacrified a lot in the process. I did the best that I could. Now caring for my husband. This is a marathon, with a horrible ending. I know that. Along the way, cups of water, maybe a snack will be offered as I run this course with him. His health going downhill, while I feel like this is an uphill struggle. Ok-that's the nature of dementia. Again, I will do the best I can to care for him. I will feel relieved for the two of us, when he is released from the cruelty of this disease. Until then, I can not ponder about the finish, it's the marathon now.
You're not relieved because you hate her. You're relieved because you now can go on with your life--and because she's no longer living a life that she did not want and that none of us want.
That relief is normal and it is healthy. As is grief. It would be unhealthy if grief and guilt caused you to feel like you yourself have nothing to live for. Of course this isn't true.
I was always the child that was made to feel guilty. I refuse to feel guilt where my Mom was concerned. She passed 4 years ago. I was the only one there for her. For my parents as a whole. My one brother was 8 hrs away but even so he visited about 1x a year and called very rarely. My other brother was 30 min away and my parents saw him only when they were invited to his house for the kids birthdays and Christmas. Mom lived with me for 20 months and he came her maybe once.
Yes, I lost patience which I have little of. I had been babysitting my grandson since birth and he was almost 2 when I had to take Mom in. It was like having another child. Mom was 87 when she passed. Went the whole 7 stages of Dementia. Yes, there was a relief. A burden taken off my shoulders. No more watching her decline and getting frail. I had done my job making sure she was cared for and loved. As said, we will all die. We can't change that. But please no guilt.
My mother passed on 2/22/22 and the main emotion I felt was relief b/c her pain and anguish was finally OVER. Same with my father who passed on 6/23/15. The overwhelming emotions we feel at the death of a loved one IS relief when they were burdened down with advanced old age, disease, dementia, and other limitations that kept them from living full lives. Once they are released from the burden of having a mortal body, THEN they are free to be whole again and living their eternal lives in perfect condition with no more pain or troubles of any kind. When I read the eulogy I wrote for my dad at his funeral, I mentioned how happy I was for him that he was now able to DANCE and jump for joy as a whole being no longer burdened down by a brain tumor and slumped over in a wheelchair.
I once had a conversation with a Catholic deacon about how he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to pass; when he told me that, he had a wide smile on his face. He explained that it was a huge blessing for God to take a loved one onto eternal peace and for that reason, we should ALL pray for death to come for our loved ones who are old & suffering. I remember that conversation well and it brings me great peace.
You have no reason to feel 'guilt' over feeling relief that your mom is now at eternal peace. My condolences over your loss. God bless you as you arrive at acceptance with all that's transpired.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for reminding me that this is not our final destination and that it more beautiful than we can imagine on the other side of all the pain and suffering our loved ones are enduring now💜
You get over the feeling of guilt by realizing that you are not guilty. You did the everything possible. The guilt you feel is the feeling of omission. You wonder if you could have done more.
You did all that was asked of you. You need to begin convincing yourself that there is nothing more you could have done. Stop wondering.
The following may sound sarcastic, it is not meant to be. But, please remember this, people die when they get sick. You did not cause it.
It is ok for you to feel relief. Not only is your mom finally able to rest, but you also can rest. You can resume your life. It will be a transition, because you have been focused on caring for her for so long. I suggest grief counseling. Also, begin to do things you enjoy and focus on your own health and well being. Transition from caring for her, to caring for yourself. This is what your mom would want for you to do.
That is difficult to answer. But in the brief narrative you gave, it sounds like you were the responsible and loving child to your mom. Please be at peace. You gave your all and for that you shall be rewarded. Heavenly Father: please send your peace and comfort to this person. In Jesus name!
You were a wonderful daughter to take care of your mother for 10 years. That was a huge responsibility, and you probably had to put many aspects of your life on hold during that time. Please don't feel guilty about anything! Feeling relief at the end of a challenging longtime responsibility doesn't mean you didn't love your mother. Accept your own feelings as being natural and normal. What you did for her proves that you loved and cared for your mother. Seek grief counseling and therapy if you think it will help.
The roads are paved with gold...no more suffering but joy and laughter! Sounds pretty good to me.
It's hard after caring for a loved one because you now need a "new normal". That's what all of the grieving books say. I found after my dad died planning a trip the following Summer.
Hopefully the Pandemic is behind us and things will get somewhat back to normal.
You have probably had the same routine for the past 10 years. That takes a while to replace but you can create a new one--language lessons, walking, taking up an instrument, joining a Church group, just get out of the house and see what the day brings! Amen...
Hello precious one, I believe there is a huge difference between feeling relief from the “huge responsibility” and feeling relief your loved one (the person) is gone. I quite believe that you feel relief from carrying this huge responsibility for such a long time - all alone. Which is so human! I am afraid you are mistaking that for feeling relief from HER. it’s the burden of responsibility not the person. Don’t question your love as it is engraved with gold in her heart, your heart and most importantly before the One who sees it all, Jesus. blessings
I too am an only child but my mother is in a skilled nursing facility and is bedridden. I have the support of my husband in dealing with her. She is getting one ailment after another. We are amazed she has made it to 91. I think I am more depleted because my mother has had serious medical and psychological issues for periods of time dating back to when I was 10. I can't help but stating how burdensome that feels.
While I am certainly glad she is in a facility I have to state how depressing it is to go there. Almost all the residents are completely mentally gone. They either can't speak, moan or cry. Some ask me for help such as calling someone or letting them out the door.
Grief takes alot of time to process. I still miss my father who died in 2010. His end was very short but I wish I had more time with him. He was the more stable parent.
It is normal to feel as you do especially since your mother was so much a part of your daily life. I hope in time you can find things to do to help yourself that are therapeutic and enjoyable. You certainly deserve that. I think you just need to try and enforce feelings of knowing how much you did for your mother and her time in life had reached the end. Hoping you have some stronger days.
I looked after my mum at home with dementia, c o p d and more.. I had my mum out for 2 "happy times" in her wheelchair around town to see flowers, friends etc. up until 3 days before she died. I made each day enjoyable somehow. Now I do the same with my life. I don't look at it as guilt because suddenly I was free of not being on call 24/7. Yes I was exhausted beyond belief and felt relief. I look at it as my mum passed down the love she had for me to pass on to others. That love in return is a beautiful thing.❤️
I’m in the same spot as you (only child with all the responsibilities) except my mother is still alive and I live with her. She has mild cognitive syndrome but getting dottier by the day, so some dementia. Plus, she’s reversed her sleeping schedule to up all night and sleep all day. When she’s awake she’s planted in front of the tv which she’s forgotten how to use! She’s half deaf so the volume is turned up, which I manage to sleep through BUT the last 4 nights in a row she’s woken me up in the middle of the night to change the channel! OMG, seriously I feel like putting her through the window! I would never hurt her of course but I do resent her and feel mad at her most of the time so I am impatient and curt with her. That’s where my guilt is - finding it super hard to be patient and nice to her. I mostly just leave her alone and only minimally engage with her. Sad, as we were once very close. She’s pretty stubborn now, like a little kid who just wants her own way. To be BRUTALLY honest, I am counting the days until she passes on. More guilt. Well she’s almost 90 and smokes like a chimney but has some constitution eh? Lol. So don’t feel guilty - I know what you went through. Feel happy and relieved for the both of you, as you’re BOTH better off now. She’s “home” and you can lead YOUR life now - win/win. Feeling guilty now does no good for anybody.
I loved your response to Tamrad1965. I could have written some of that myself, especially that part where you say you mostly just leave your mom alone and only minimally engage with her. I've been feeling guilty because I feel like a cold daughter...here I've taken in my mom yet find I'm mostly leaving her alone. Though mom has always been independent and stubborn so perhaps being left alone isn't so awful for her. That is how I'm looking at it now. No more guilt. Best wishes to you. Take care of yourself.
I think we may not be able to control very much of how we feel, but what we do about our feelings can help us. Allowing the relief, then as all the other feelings come up to feel them too as completely as we can at the time, is a better way to move through what has happened. It was a very very hard journey you went through. If you climb a mountain you will feel relief when you reach the top. On the way down you can remember all you saw and experienced, but it is easier. Let's be good to ourselves and take the time to heal with whatever emotions come. Admitting the feelings is a really good step. Be well.
I cared for my husband who passed from ALS in 2018. I was absolutely relieved when he passed. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad, devastated even. But you have to remember that you have been grieving for years. You knew what was coming, and it was a long road to the end. It is a relief knowing they are not suffering anymore and you are out from under the enormous stress of caretaking. It’s a relief that you can now focus on your own life. You have a right to be happy. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love you mom. This feeling will come and go. Some days you may even be happy and that’s okay. Your mother would want that for you.
I believe when a person's quality of life and imminent death due to a terminal illness is pending there is relief when they pass, especially when it comes to the elderly. Feeling guilty for a natural emotional response of relief is part of the grieving process. It will diminish with time and you will be at peace,
When my Dad passed my brother called me at work and let me know, without realizing it I said, “What a relief” I thought to myself, Did I just say that out loud?
My Dad was always suffering and getting into trouble, I thought one day he’s going to be on the 6 o’clock news. Finally it happened and he was gone, quietly with a heart attack. The best case scenario I was going to get considering the near misses.
I know where he is now all the time and he’s not suffering. Parents are a funny thing, a blessing and a curse depending on the day.
10 years is a long time to be a caretaker. To do it with no help qualifies you for sainthood! Relief is a normal part of grief when you have been watching someone go down hill for that long a period of time. When it includes dementia, it's called "The Long Goodbye ". It is a relief, and there is no need to feel guilt. I'm praying that God will put His arms of love around you, and help you to put aside any guilt, and help you to process your grief in a healthy way.
If you think about it, it is a relief to know that your mom is no longer suffering. If she was no longer unable to move like she would have wanted to, unable to live as she had previously....her death is a blessing. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that she has moved on to something better than this life. She wouldn't want her only child having to do everything for her and put her own life on hold. You've heard the expression "there are worse things than death". Someone who has lived in pain or has been bed ridden for an extended period of their lives probably agrees with that expression.
Your mom was lucky to have your help for the last 10 years. Take a deep breath, remember the good parts of your mom's life and start living again.
Please don't feel guilt, you provided care and love to both your parents. My mom passed on 7/17/17 and I find comfort in messages seeing the numbers 7 and 17 come up randomly from her. Feel blessed you had them for so long. Her pain and struggle is over and she would not want you to suffer now.
No one is meant to stay here forever. If you’ve done your best in caring for her, take comfort in knowing that she appreciated it. Now, let go and live. She would not be happy knowing that you’re sad.
I was in a similar situation with my mom for 5 years, doing everything for her; she came to live with me, I did all of her personal cares, cooking, cleaning, healthcare and medical POA, SS representative payee, taking her to all of her appointments. So, I get it. You do what you can with what you have to give. One day I simply couldn’t do it anymore. She was starting to get bed sores no matter how hard I worked at turning her in bed and getting her up to relieve the pressure that was causing them. I finally had to call an ambulance to take her to the ER, and from there she went into a nursing home for a year and a half. I deal with a lot of guilt because of it, even though I know none of it is my fault. She caught the flu after that 1.5 years, (another source of guilty feelings for me because to this day I swear I gave her that flu by visiting when I was sick, even though EVERYONE was telling me it wasn’t from me). Well, that flu was her demise; she went into a deep state of fever from it, and never recovered. I sat there by her bedside for 3 hours holding her hand, brushing her hair back with my hand, telling her it’s ok to let go. I started to get hungry to the point of almost passing out,… so I told her I’ll be right back… I need to go eat. I was gone about 30 minutes and she passed during that time. I’ve hated myself for leaving her then. I should have been there with her… but ultimately I was not; I HAD to eat, or pass out from low blood sugar. Eventually I have finally found forgiveness for myself by having a few good talks with myself to fully recognize that I did what I was humanly capable of doing.
You will too, in time. Your mother wouldn’t want you to blame yourself, would she? Forgive yourself for your own sanity, and for her.
How I wish I could hug you and tell you it is OK to feel like this. Time will soften this guilt. Give yourself the much needed rest you need to heal your body and mind. This site is still so helpful to cross to that moment I needed to stop my guilt when my Dad died. Please stay with us! It is worth every word you read.
Don't beat yourself up. Caregiving is a difficult job. You have to roll with the punches. Yet you are human. It feels bad when hurtful things are said and done. It hurts even more when they come from a loved one who you are trying to help.
You are human and you will be angry, hurt, annoyed, vengeful….all of those things. It’s impossible not to react. You did the best you could under the circumstances. When you think of the whole picture, when your caregiving first started, I bet you’ll see how much you did, without complaint.
Of course you are relieved. I your mom is relieved too. She’s relieved to be out of that body that betrayed her. She’s probably relieved for you too. She knows what you dealt with.
Just take things one day at a time. Feelings of guilt will diminish over time. Even with all the bad parts, I’m sure your mom is thanking you for all your love and support. Try and think of it in a positive way…you were the only one and you stepped up and did what you needed to care for your mom until the end. Relief that the difficult times are over is normal.
Your LO couldn’t help what was going on. It was difficult and heartbreaking 💔 but we keep going and doing.
Our lives are easier now and we NEVER chose this.
Its been almost 30 years and I still feel sad sometimes.
Our pain changes. Use it to do good for others as much as you can. My heart goes out to you.
I reject the phony sentiment that the collective society makes us feel that we're not allowed to feel relief FOR OURSELVES. It IS alright to feel relief that YOUR suffering at the caregiving stress and perhaps of the use of your finite life's minutes that caregiving is over. While our dying loved ones and their comfort are the highest priority, caregivers matter too.
I know that sounds shocking, but a caregiver, for the incalculable stress that we've already been through, does NOT have to accept the added burden of "You can't feel relief that you're free".
You're darned right I felt relief when my mom died. I was in a horrific situation and more dead than alive. I was--and still am--relieved that when Mom passed her pain was over and she is with her son--my brother--and her beloved ancestors on the other side. At that point I could look ahead to my recovery and my new life with great relief.
Be good to you, Tamrad1965, you deserve it.
As to guilt, I have come to loathe the word. Because it is a wrong word and we use it and use it until we BELIEVE we are evil felons. And the truth is that evil felons never felt grief in their lives. You are feeling GRIEF, not guilt. Words matter. You are a human being, not a God, and it is hubris to think that we were/are God, that it is all in our hands. Sorry. It ISN'T in our hands. Easily 50% of life is not under our own control.
Were there times you were not perfect? Again, are you GOD? Yes, there were times you weren't perfect. Please write back when the perfect person is found here on earth.
10 years. I can't even begin to say the admiration I have for you; I knew all my life I never could do in home care, and I was a NURSE. I loved it, and for 8 hours three or four days a week it was great. Good pay. Time off. People praising me all the time. That isn't care 24/7 at all. So kudos to you.
I think also consider some of your feelings is coming from deep and hidden terror for yourself. The thought of "what is NEXT now for ME?" You have a road much traveled and it is gone suddenly. Now what road do you choose? It has to be on some level terrifying.
Celebrate Mom, mourn her, make a little book and talk to her about ALL you feel in it, collage it. Take your time. Move slow. Move out and start by watching the birds.
My heart out to you. My best wishes out to you. Please take good care of yourself. Mourning puts us in a fragile state. Eat well, exercise, put on some lotions, care for yourself.
I look at it in a couple of ways. I equate the very real, honest reliefe of not being a caregiver any more, as standing in the ocean-about waist deep in the warm water. I can feel a gentle swell just begining to lift me off of my feet, and it does, I just rise with the swell and then as gently it sets me down. That's how the reliefe felt to me. I knew I did everything I could as a caregiver, and would not let guilt get me down, not when I sacrified a lot in the process. I did the best that I could.
Now caring for my husband. This is a marathon, with a horrible ending. I know that. Along the way, cups of water, maybe a snack will be offered as I run this course with him. His health going downhill, while I feel like this is an uphill struggle. Ok-that's the nature of dementia. Again, I will do the best I can to care for him. I will feel relieved for the two of us, when he is released from the cruelty of this disease. Until then, I can not ponder about the finish, it's the marathon now.
That relief is normal and it is healthy. As is grief. It would be unhealthy if grief and guilt caused you to feel like you yourself have nothing to live for. Of course this isn't true.
Yes, I lost patience which I have little of. I had been babysitting my grandson since birth and he was almost 2 when I had to take Mom in. It was like having another child. Mom was 87 when she passed. Went the whole 7 stages of Dementia. Yes, there was a relief. A burden taken off my shoulders. No more watching her decline and getting frail. I had done my job making sure she was cared for and loved. As said, we will all die. We can't change that. But please no guilt.
I once had a conversation with a Catholic deacon about how he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to pass; when he told me that, he had a wide smile on his face. He explained that it was a huge blessing for God to take a loved one onto eternal peace and for that reason, we should ALL pray for death to come for our loved ones who are old & suffering. I remember that conversation well and it brings me great peace.
You have no reason to feel 'guilt' over feeling relief that your mom is now at eternal peace. My condolences over your loss. God bless you as you arrive at acceptance with all that's transpired.
You did all that was asked of you. You need to begin convincing yourself that there is nothing more you could have done. Stop wondering.
The following may sound sarcastic, it is not meant to be. But, please remember this, people die when they get sick. You did not cause it.
Heavenly Father: please send your peace and comfort to this person.
In Jesus name!
The roads are paved with gold...no more suffering but joy and laughter! Sounds pretty good to me.
It's hard after caring for a loved one because you now need a "new normal". That's what all of the grieving books say. I found after my dad died planning a trip the following Summer.
Hopefully the Pandemic is behind us and things will get somewhat back to normal.
You have probably had the same routine for the past 10 years. That takes a while to replace but you can create a new one--language lessons, walking, taking up an instrument, joining a Church group, just get out of the house and see what the day brings! Amen...
I believe there is a huge difference between feeling relief from the “huge responsibility” and feeling relief your loved one (the person) is gone.
I quite believe that you feel relief from carrying this huge responsibility for such a long time - all alone. Which is so human!
I am afraid you are mistaking that for feeling relief from HER.
it’s the burden of responsibility not the person. Don’t question your love as it is engraved with gold in her heart, your heart and most importantly before the One who sees it all, Jesus.
blessings
While I am certainly glad she is in a facility I have to state how depressing it is to go there. Almost all the residents are completely mentally gone. They either can't speak, moan or cry. Some ask me for help such as calling someone or letting them out the door.
Grief takes alot of time to process. I still miss my father who died in 2010. His end was very short but I wish I had more time with him. He was the more stable parent.
It is normal to feel as you do especially since your mother was so much a part of your daily life. I hope in time you can find things to do to help yourself that are therapeutic and enjoyable. You certainly deserve that. I think you just need to try and enforce feelings of knowing how much you did for your mother and her time in life had reached the end. Hoping you have some stronger days.
I thought to myself, Did I just say that out loud?
My Dad was always suffering and getting into trouble, I thought one day he’s going to be on the 6 o’clock news. Finally it happened and he was gone, quietly with a heart attack. The best case scenario I was going to get considering the near misses.
I know where he is now all the time and he’s not suffering. Parents are a funny thing, a blessing and a curse depending on the day.
Your mom was lucky to have your help for the last 10 years. Take a deep breath, remember the good parts of your mom's life and start living again.
(another source of guilty feelings for me because to this day I swear I gave her that flu by visiting when I was sick, even though EVERYONE was telling me it wasn’t from me). Well, that flu was her demise; she went into a deep state of fever from it, and never recovered. I sat there by her bedside for 3 hours holding her hand, brushing her hair back with my hand, telling her it’s ok to let go. I started to get hungry to the point of almost passing out,… so I told her I’ll be right back… I need to go eat. I was gone about 30 minutes and she passed during that time. I’ve hated myself for leaving her then. I should have been there with her… but ultimately I was not; I HAD to eat, or pass out from low blood sugar. Eventually I have finally found forgiveness for myself by having a few good talks with myself to fully recognize that I did what I was humanly capable of doing.
You will too, in time. Your mother wouldn’t want you to blame yourself, would she? Forgive yourself for your own sanity, and for her.
You are human and you will be angry, hurt, annoyed, vengeful….all of those things. It’s impossible not to react. You did the best you could under the circumstances. When you think of the whole picture, when your caregiving first started, I bet you’ll see how much you did, without complaint.
Of course you are relieved. I your mom is relieved too. She’s relieved to be out of that body that betrayed her. She’s probably relieved for you too. She knows what you dealt with.
Just take things one day at a time. Feelings of guilt will diminish over time. Even with all the bad parts, I’m sure your mom is thanking you for all your love and support. Try and think of it in a positive way…you were the only one and you stepped up and did what you needed to care for your mom until the end.
Relief that the difficult times are over is normal.