My Mom was always spoiled as a child, then my Father took care of her. Now, she pulls stuns for attention. Advice?

I've decided, I will not go out of my way anymore. She remarked to my sibling "I guess she's pissed off and won't be talking to me for awhile." It was intentional, mean and lied when asked her version of situation. Anyone think there is a better solution?

Donna, we'd have to know a lot more about the situation and why she was mad at you. It does sound a bit extreme, especially if you were driving.

A bit vague. Why is it bad that she went home? From where? Why do you think her anger is directed at you personally? If your Mom has mental issues, she may be frustrated at her situation ans not you specifically. patience and forgiveness is always good advice. More info or Details pks?

It is difficult to give a short explaination,but I'll try. During this particular episode, we had just buried a favorite Aunt of mine. I was driver for viewing & funeral, for both of these, I had to contact neighbors to pound on her door, she wouldn't answer the phone, making us late and holding up funeral procession & missing final viewing. The next day she wanted me to come to her place for dinner, I stayed on phone, but told her I was exhausted and would take her out the following day. When I called for 3 hours, she finally answered saying she was watching tv and would be ready when I got there. I arrived at her building and again she didn't answer the phone. It took an hour to get into the building. When at her appt, she was not dressed and showed me the food she wanted to make for dinner the night before. I assisted her getting ready and out of the place. She stayed silent as I explained, that she knows this week has been stressful and not answering her phone doesn't help. I asked why she didn't respond and she said she didn't appreciate being yelled at. I said I'm not yelling at you, I'm trying to help you, why are you making me jump hurtles. She was silent. She went into the store with me leaving behind her purse & keys. Once in the store she started loading up the cart, I said Mom you left your purse in the car and said you didn't want anything. She said I have $5. I said there is more than $5 in the cart and that I was short and couldn't cover it this time, she said I guess I have to put it back & headed in another direction, I stopped her and said I think you came from here and lead her back. I said I have to go on the other side of the store for something, do you want to come with me, she said no. I said ok, I'll grab a cart, get what I needed and come find her. That was the last I saw her. I searched by myself, then the store & police help. Reviewing the video, she checked out right after I went to the other side of store. Got on a bus, had neighbors let her in and was at their appt. She didn't know that they had my phone number, fortunately they did and called me. This was 3 1/2 hours later. When I arrived at their appt. she was sitting there like an injured helpless pitiful person. The police had EMTs come to make sure she was ok. The neighbor was trying to stress the importance of communication, but she just commented on what was on the tv. When leaving, I said I was tired and going home and headed to the stairs, she went to follow, I said Mom, shouldn't you take the elevator (2 floors). Oh yeah she said, walking hunched and pushing the button. I walked down to her floor, looking thru the door, waiting for her to get off elevator, to make sure she got into her appt without any further events. Then instead of the elevator, she came thru the door of the other stairwell, standing totally erect, proceeded to her door and opened it with ease.
My Mom has lived with myself and my siblings creating situations where we just had to have her leave (30 years). This time, she said she wanted to live in a highrise with a terrace and on a bus line. I found the place and moved her in.
This was just highlights of one week. I omitted somethings to keep it short.

Donna--
Sounds like your mother can live alone (and kind of has to, right? She's worn out her welcome everywhere else) and can function. My mother will do the same kind of stuff. Act all babyish and incapable on the one hand, yet is perfectly OK to make decisions. Mother was also "babied" by her father to the point it was not healthy. He died 53 years ago and she has stated many times she hasn't had a "happy day" since then. She's 86.
There's not a whole lot you CAN do. I opted to take a break from mother. I know she's safe, she lives in an apt. with my brother's family. I was going twice a week to clean, run errands, etc., and I have stopped. Suddenly I am hearing how dirty her apt is, how it smells, etc. Well, nobody is cleaning! This has been a bit of a wake up call to the other sibs. She had them all fooled thinking she was much more competent to care for herself, and she's not. I'm so sick of the pouty face, the poor-pitiful me routine--can you step away? She's got neighbors who can check on her, would they do that?
She is manipulating you and I would bet she's just enjoying herself. Can you take a break (a long one??) You would not put up with behavior like that from a kid--if your mom is competent--you shouldn't put up with it from her.
I have not really spoken to my mother for nearly 2 months now. At first I felt horrible guilt--now I am in the groove of not seeing her and I feel so much better. My 4 other sibs are off board and only show up for the occasional drama. How are your other sibs handling this?
She's got you right where she wants you--dancing attendance. Just. Quit. (Seriously, my pscyh dr told me that exact thing. Just. Quit.) YES, I felt guilty and bad at first, but now I don't do anything for her that I don't want to do, or that is not appreciated or necessary. (Running out in a full on blizzard to get a book for her friend's birthday 6 days away..NOT NECESSARY). Mother tells everyone I am having a snit, and that's fine. Maybe if you do feel she needs help, hire outside help. Likely she'll treat them better than she treats you.
Sorry for the overlong answer--your post hit a nerve!

I'm sorry, it's a shame that some of us are placed in this position. My sibs are either too far away or have their own health problems. Like I said, she's stayed with them too, in the past. My concern is based on the fact that when help was brought in, the more they did for her, the less she did for herself. I resorted to buying a door mirror and sitting it next to the tv and said "If we have to look at you, then you should have to look at you." I then advised the agency that she needed a drill instructor not someone to do everything for her. After 1 month they determined their services were not needed and left. Well, she missed all that attention and started to behave badly again. The Dept of Aging sent in a new group and while I was out of town changed her medications, leading to true confusion. I came back, reviewed her meds, had the cupret disconinued. She was herself a month later. My brother who lives on the other side of the country, handles her bills via internet, but she's had to have her debt card cancelled an reissued 5 times in the last year. Again behavior is the cause.
I remember my Grandmother, self sufficient till her passing, insisting on keeping her own residence. I don't know where this comes from. Thank you for responding, at least I know this is not an isolated case of elder misbehaving. It is harder than bringing up children, and my child was/is special needs.

How old is your Mom? Does she show any signs of dementia?

Donna--
I actually worked for an Elder Care company and my first client was one deemed "difficult". She'd already fired 3 people in the 2 weeks before I was hired (Of course I didn't KNOW this). We got along just fine. She wasn't my mother, I was closer in age to her older children, I was being PAID to get "bossed" and I knew how to keep her safe and happy. I was able to work for her, take her quirks and oddities and the aging and problems that Parkinson's comes with in stride. Again--BECAUSE she wasn't my mother. She drove her family crazy!!
This might be a possibility for you. I guess I was a rare commodity, an older woman who had understood the patience required for the job. I could only work 32 hrs a week w/o being deemed FT and the company nor I wanted the hassle of that (I also had another PT job)--so she was my one and only. Maybe trying this for your mom would help you. This lady lived with family in her own home and did eventually end up being placed in a lovely ALF. But I worked 2 years for her.
We're in a situation with mother where she wants more attention from family (it's not happening) she's asked me to leave her alone, my brother is at his wit's end with her and she is oblivious. I wish my brother would look into hiring someone to come help mother 2-3 times a week and I know she'd behave for them, where she can be really a pain for the rest of us.
Good luck. I know mom is just in her 2nd childhood, the problem is, it can last one heck of a long time! At least if mother went "wandering" she couldn't go anywhere, she can barely walk. Your mom sounds like a holy terror--jumping buses, leaving you at stores. You have a right to feel frustrated!
I am glad for you that you do have SOME support with family. And no, you are certainly not alone in this.

My mother is 72 years old. This behavior is not new, it's who she is. When I talk with people about it, they always refer to her age; but now, in my opinion, it is her age that can make it dangerous.
Yes, she is nicer to non-family, but she always was. I've concluded that she doesn't think she needs to be nice to us. What are we going to do about it....kinda like we're stuck. I know this sounds awful, I love my Mom, but mothers are people and not all people are what you would like them to be.

Donna, sorry you have this trouble.
Your mom sounds just like mine.
I am so exhausted, Donna.
Mom also was an indulged only child, smart, with beautiful red hair.
Dad is older and did everything for her.
Once I told her that I was going away to visit my son at college with
my boyfriend. We were seated on the patio at a coffee
place when I delivered this news. She got angry, jumped up,
told me I should be taking her, then ran away as fast as
she could down the sidewalk.
Very scary. That was over a year ago.
Now, she has been diagnosed with full blown Alzheimers.
In some ways, she's more manageable. She's more fearful
and clingy.

I understand!!! One day Mama "packed" a Walmart sack and marched up the hill of this "Winston 500" road that we live on!!! I had my Mother in law here, a fall risk, and couldn't leave her. My son had to go and literally force her in the car, she was furious at him. That is just one out of a thousand incidents with her! I don't know about your Mom's memory, but maybe ifyou didn't see her for awhile and only spoke with the caregivers to make sure she was doing well,then she might be a little better behaved when you comeack around?! :/ Sorry, I'm like the blind leading the blind. :( I feel like I spend my whole day crying out to The Lord for strength!!!

Yikes, Donna. So sorry. This is not my area of expertise so I cannot contribute much truly. Perhaps a psych evaluation if Mom allows? Again I apologize, I cannot contribute much help. All I can say is good luck.

Sounds like the borderline or bipolar personalities that we read a lot about here on the message board. Many of us have parents that fit into the category. It makes caring for them particularly difficult, because there is little consideration for the caregiving child. It is all about them.

I was in church with my mother Sunday. For the second week, the preacher chose to talk about children obeying parents. My mother kept looking at me and poking me again. And I wondered what the church would do if I turned and bopped her a good one. Of course, I didn't do that. But I sure wished the preacher would stop giving her ammunition to use against me. To her it said that God and the Bible both said that I had to put up with whatever she dished out. Of course, I realize that the words were intended to parents who had goodness in their hearts and minds, and not just self interest.

JessieBelle, Maybe you should quote Colossians 3:21 to her: "Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." (I just now discovered that reference on a Bible site.) Of course, that might just make her angry, which wouldn't help you at all.

Donna - I feel your pain! When you described the attitude surrounding the shopping incident I was having visual images of "the face". When my mom dishes out the silent treatment she gets this look on her face, a certain setting of her jaw and mouth - all while she is turning her head like a 4yr old who, by way of avoiding eye contact, is saying "you don't exist right now". Absolutely no dealing with her when she has "the face". I am also very familiar with "stop yelling at me" when I've never raised my voice. The one I like the best is "I'm sorry I'm such an inconvenience for you. I'll be dead soon and then you won't have to be bothered". This has been in the manipulation rotation for over five years and counting. At least my mom can't hop on a bus. Mom claims she can't bear any weight to stand up or transfer on her own or even help with moving her - yet 3 months ago when she was trying to make a break for it from her new NH, they found her walking down the hall, pushing her wheelchair which was piled high with some of her things. (Big sigh!).

What looks like passive aggressive tantrum-throwing could still be vascular dementia, or at least have an element of that about it. So much of your post sounds horribly familiar to me, I'm sorry to say. I agree that if you possibly can get it done, a cognitive assessment would be a good idea.

Oh, Rainmom. I love "the face." I know exactly the one you mean. I just act like nothing is amiss and I don't even notice. My mother has always been used to having her way, so it makes her mad when anyone says even the smallest thing to her. If she could sleep most the day and watch The Waltons the rest of the day, she would be happy. She really doesn't like that I am here, it is apparent, but knows I am a necessary evil.

Oh! :( The Necessary Evil. I hadn't thought of that as my nickname before, but I can just hear my mother calling me that to other people.

Were our mothers really separated at birth?? I am constantly amazed when I come here to find so many of us having the exact same problems. In my mother's case, she was always this way. A psych eval (which they will never willingly go to anyway) would give us peace of mind that it's NOT us--but we know that already.
"The face"--well I HAVE 4- 3 year old grandkids and they behave about the same as Mother. A little louder and a lot faster, but under the surface, still wanting their own way. Throwing tantrums. Throwing THINGS. Mother takes zero responsibility for hurting us. It's our own faults if we take something she says "wrong". This is a lifelong dynamic, now she just doesn't have the mental ability to hide it as well as she used to.
I still think you need to just get away. Arrange for someone (an agency, maybe) to step in. Employees are much more able to get people to be compliant--for example, mother won't do PT unless her "cute" PT guy comes to the house. Well, she doesn't qualify for in home PT any more, so she quit. Consequently, her mobility is awful and she's really deteriorating. BUT, as she always states: "It's her choice". (sigh)

I'm glad I shared this most recent episode. Not only did I learn something to combat my guilt...thank you AngieJoy, but I forwarded it to my siblings and reading it seems to be less stressful than hearing it directly from me. The "face", well what we've experienced is the dark beady eyes. As far as not really wanting us there, my sister and I went together one day and she got to witness me saying the same sentence, in the same tone 5 consecutive times before my mother acknowledged I was talking to her (not the first time & not the only time that day). She states she has some difficulty hearing but don't whisper, she listens. Honestly, if it wasn't so frustrating it might be funny. I have to find humor where I can.
Mspring, God bless you caring for 2 at the same time. I don't know how you do it.

Yes, AngieJoy's verse is perfect. It comes right after the verse with Paul instructing children to obey their parents. The preacher read it right after he read the first verse, but she didn't pay attention to the second verse.

I find all kinds of problems with the verse telling children to obey their parents. What if the parent has an evil heart and instructs the child to do bad things? I believe even a child has the wisdom to know if things feel wrong.

Donna, sounds like you do need to step away some. Your mom is an extreme version of what my mom is now. I fear she is going to get worse. My mom is 80, very healthy, and lived an hour away from us, but right down the street from my sister. My sister was at her beck and call for 20 years, but then had to move to another state for her husband's job. We wanted to buy a vacation house in Florida and offered for her to move into it as she has always wanted to live there and has family an hour away. Paid to move her, her car, her dog down there. Got the house fixed just they way she wanted it and now get constant complaints via phone or via other relatives about how badly she is being treated and what a dump we have put her in. Her last complaint (via her brother) was that my sister tricked her into moving and then abandonded her - she talks to her almost every day on the phone and that I am "out to get her". Yesterday's phone call was that the fence on the side of the house is practically collapsed, the windows in the house are letting in so much cold (70 plus degrees) air they might as well be nonexistent, her medicine has not arrived from the drugstore yet, she feels her life is in danger every time she showers (got her a shower chair, but she doesn't use it because she wants me to install a $5k walk in tub) and she cannot use the pool (she wants me to install another handrail). In the year she has been in the house we have jumped through every hoop she has given us, but she still continues to complain about everything. My husband was just there for a week long visit and he said she was healthy, happy and had no complaints. I guess I should just ignore all of these petty issues she keeps harping on, but when she involves other family members it is difficult.

All our parents are better known now as 'patients'. We, as caregivers, must remove ourselves from the role of dutiful daughter...because the mother is not really there anymore (to a greater or lesser degree.)Yes, they are manipulative, exaperating;strangers. We don't have the skills,knowledge etc to deal with them.
Each one of you need time out. You can get swallowed up in their world. Doing no good to yourself or them. Try to get an outsider to come for 3 hrs a day. Give yourself a respite. We were not prepared for this! Keep calm, smile.

I agree completely Malachy. I hooked my mother up with the Volusia County Aging group and they found some wonderful things to help her. Problem is, she won't pay a dime for anything. I told her we pay the mortgage, insurance, most of the food, and all the upkeep and she pays the utilities she uses and that is all. But she won't spend a dime to make any improvements she wants like the expensive walk in tub, modifications to the pool, or help around the house when we are not there. She constantly cries poverty, but won't allow any of us to see her bank account. She is "there" enough to know how to manipulate everyone into paying for her to live, but not "there" enough to take care of anything around the house that needs doing. I try to keep her complaint phone calls to one a week and less than an hour. It is the only way to stay sane.

I can empathize with you 150%. My mother isn't that bad, but similar in many ways.

Unfortunately, my only advice would be to distance yourself from her. Being so close to her and seeing her so often when she is making your life hell only serves to create unnecessary stress for you. She certainly doesn't feel guilty about it, so neither should you. You can tell her---or not----that you aren't taking her shopping anymore, you are not going to let her manipulate her any more, and the only way that can happen is if you don't come around as much. If she wants to act this way, she has to learn how to live with the consequences. Constantly going back makes her the winner. Maintaining your own sanity make you the winner. If she has done this for 30 years and created bad situations while living with you and your siblings to the point where you all had to put her out, it is not a mystery to you or to her. She is choosing to act this way. It could be undiagnosed mental disorder (which is what I KNOW my mother has), but people of that generation never think there is anything wrong with them or their behavior----it is always someone else. You're never going to win. You have to preserve your own sanity.

I tell my mother that if she is going to act like a child, she is going to be treated like one. And then I keep my word. I like midkid58's post-----"you wouldn't put up with behavior like that from a kid". It's true. The one thing I always say is that my mother acts like a child, but at least with a child you can punish them----I can't punish an 87 year old woman.

It seems that your mother knows you very well----she knows that you'll keep calling for 3 hours, that you'll stand outside her building for an hour waiting to get in, that you would look for her for 3.5 hours and then go to her building to make sure she was okay. Stop doing that. If she doesn't answer the phone, stop calling. If she doesn't answer the door, go home. If she decides she wants to take the bus home, then let her go home & you go to your own home. By doing what you're doing you are rewarding her childish behavior and encouraging her to continue doing it. If she sees that her behavior is alienating you, maybe she'll stop. Maybe she won't, but it is worth a try. What is of the utmost importance here is for you maintain your own sanity.

When my Mom was alive I just stopped jumping. That is my suggestion. I was thinking about you trying to call her for an hour, 3 hours. Not me. If my Mom did something like that I just went about my business. And for sure the Walmart trips would be over. My Mom was very passive/aggressive. And I always gave in because of guilt. After some therapy/counseling the change for me started this way... she asked me to come by over the weekend and hang some pictures for her. I told her I would come on Saturday. When the weekend rolled around I got busy with something at my house so called and told her I would come on Sunday instead. She got mad and said "Just forget about it". I simply said "OK. If you change your mind let me know" and got off the phone. In the past when she told me to forget about it the overwhelming guilt would have me cowarding and saying that I would stop what I was doing at my own house and come on over. But this time I didn't. About a half hour later she called and asked if I would still come on Sunday. That was the first big step for me. Things got better. I hope you can find your way to some peace.

I feel for you with such difficult relatives. It makes mine seem angelic, and my tiredness much easier to take.
We do have some family examples, though. My dad took in his father, who had mental illness. Grandma warned all of us to never take him in, but it happened after she died. The day a neighbor came to Dad to say this 'nice-looking old man on the porch' was telling stories about how abusive Dad was, was the day Dad looked for a nursing home for his father. It was simply the final straw.

I believe so many of our fathers from the baby boomer era must have catered to our mothers and now we are dealing with the results since we are their children. This is a generalization because I sure this is true of each generation. We have to set boundaries and walls that keep us sane and safe and do the same thing for our parents. I have read so many books that validate what everyone is saying. So, the few suggestions that might be helpful is to search for books on borderline personalities and narcissistic adults. Even if you only find three or four techniques you can use, you will finish the book knowing we are in this together. It is odd to me that many of our mothers are becoming violent. We must protect our children, though, from the violence. I still have memories from being slapped by a beloved grandmother who had changed personalities. I wish my father and mother had helped Grandmother and me avoid that memory. Eventually, some of our parents will possibly need care we cannot give without it causing us to be less than we are or it can make us become ill. I know one thing: no one has the right to abuse us.

Boy, she sure worn out her welcome. How do elders become so belligerent?