My mother has been a single mother for all my life, she drove off all the men in her life with her narcissistic attitude and her violent outbursts and constant alcoholism, she also never exercised in the whole time I lived with her and so she was overweight. She claimed that she gave up her sex life to have my sister and I and blames us for her lack of good looks, not her beer or cigarettes. Growing up, my twin sister and I were hit on a regular basis, not in a constructive healthy way (if that's even a thing, I don't believe in having to hit children), and she used gaslighting and mental abuse daily to get what she wanted or to just hurt my sister and I. She created a divide between my sister and I by purposefully favoring her more than me and making me the scapegoat for every issue in her life, even things I had no part in. I had thought about suicide since I was young, maybe 13, because she encourages it with her actions and abuse. She broke up all my friendship and relationships with other to isolate me at home and to stay in control, she could never bear me to be happy or have achievements of my own. I finally escaped when I went off to college at age 18. I am now 22 years old, graduating college in a week, accomplishing a bachelors degree in 3.5 years. I never had any financial help over the years from my mother for college. In fact, she has been demanding money from me since she forced me to get a job at 16. She used to steal every paycheck from me until I left for college, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it because I didn't have a bank account and had to sign my checks over to her. If I didn't work and giver he my paychecks then she threatened to kick me out of the house, and did twice before, once on Christmas for 5 days.
She has never apologized for any of this and to this day calls me evil and ungrateful for treating a "perfect and giving" mother like her like I do. I have been estranged from her since leaving for college at 18 for my own health and well-being. She found out recently there is a cyst on one of her ovaries and now insists that my sister and I quit college in our senior years, our jobs, our relationships (I'm engaged now), and travel 15 hours to her to take care of her every need and take care of her pets and clean and cook for her as she "recovers from her surgery". She has never asked in the entire time while I've been away at college if I had enough money for school, or to feed myself, or if I had anywhere to stay on the holidays, or even checked in to see if I was alive. Now she's on bed rest and using her dogs (one that I still love dearly after not seeing him for years) as a tool to guilt me for not quitting my life to take care of her. She has quit every job in her life that she's had and is always always in need of money and thinks her college-age children should giver her all of our hard-earned money because we owe it to her. She's even demanded we go into credit card debt to give her money, she simply doesn't care for her daughters.
I feel bad for her predicament, as you would for a stranger, but she is a horribly evil, narcissistic, and unstable woman and honestly deserves everything happening to her. Do any of you think I'm absolutely obligated to drop my life and care for her? I'd be broke very soon and severely depressed.
So it's not even a question; that is, it is out of the question that you should disrupt your life significantly in order to serve your mother, and if your sister's feelings are the same then I would say the same to her.
If at any point you have concerns that your mother is not receiving the medical attention or living support that she actually needs, contact the relevant services in the area where she lives. She may need help. Her needs may be very real and very serious. But however great her needs, that does not mean that you can meet them.
I also recommend that you read 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' by Christine Ann Lawson. I do not pretend to diagnose your mother based on your heartfelt history, but this useful and enlightening handbook is a good introduction for anyone who has to deal constructively with a loved one who, sadly, they nonetheless find toxic.
You says she needs surgery. They won't do surgery on her and then send her home with no resources.
You have no obligation here.
I'm not saying that you don't have good reason for that. I just don't know. But right now, your motivation is not important. The fact that the hatred exists and she is an invalid, tells me that she is not safe. I worry about the fact that you seem to have death on your mind: "My mother is trying to kill me" and " I had thought about suicide since I was young, maybe 13, because she encourages it with her actions and abuse"
I don't have any long term solutions, but in the near term the answer is clear - Get Out Now.
Hobo90
You are also not obligated to have any contact with her at all.
Narsisitic humans only care about what others can provide for them and when you no longer provide anything you are disposed of. Until you tread back in and get sucked into providing something else to them.
You sound very angry and I am sure you have cause for it. It should be addressed, for your sake. Anger will eat you alive and taint your entire existence. Stop the cycle with yourself, find a good counselor and work out your issues. You will feel so much better and you will be able to disconnect or balance your relationship with your mom on your terms. Right now it is on her terms because she still controls your emotions.
Wish her luck and goodwill with her surgery and if she gets ugly, gotta go, bye, click!
OH by the way, tumor is the medical terminology for any type of growth, it could be a blood sac and be called a tumor, they won't know until they remove it. So don't be guilted by her tumor, she will try to make you believe it's cancer but I promise you, if she knew it was, you would have seen the banner. This is a ploy used by narcs to get us sucked in. I'm dying you have to! We are all dying, just different expiration dates.
If I were you when I next moved I would not share my forwarding address. She is not a mother to you.
I understand that you love the one dog, but as one pet lover to another no pet is worth jeopardizing your future. You have lived without the pet for 4 years, you can continue to live without it.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ovarian-cyst/treatment/
It looks like to me, depending on the size, its just a small incision. Should heal pretty fast. Maybe a "same day" surgery. She will be sore and some pain but will not be an invalid.
You owe your Mom nothing. If you r 22 she can't be more than 50. She is not old. There are agencies who can help her. Its time she does for herself. Children are suppose to grow up and move on. Please, don't allow yourself to get sucked in. Move forward, not backwards. Me personally would change my ph#.
RUN, DON'T WALK, THE OTHER WAY.
That woman is nobody's mother. She's an ABUSER. Only if you're glutton for punishment should you come back. You owe her nothing. What you really should do is seek a good therapist who can help you understand why you still feel attached to this toxic person and how you can break free and live your life guilt-free.
Do come back and let us know what you're going to do.
I hope that if you refuse, that your sister will also refuse. Have a united stand against Mommie Dearest.
Keep us updated!
What a history! Sounds like she may be a bit envious of you as well.
In my opinion determined by my own relationship with my mother, if she loved you she’d be reveling in your success and cheering you on for accomplishing so much in the face of adversity.
We can’t choose our family and it’s certainly ok for you to avoid a toxic family member- parent or not. So no, you are not obligated to her at all.
Continue to move upward and onward. Don’t let her guilt you into her demands.
Of course I can’t state this as a blanket statement as to her own cyst but I believe the worst possible outcome for your mother would be a hysterectomy which these days can be done via laparoscopy or via abdominal surgery. Either way it’s a recovery period of 6-8 weeks. Your mother will get through it and on her own if need be. She can’t be that old if you are only 22. Let her & her providers figure out who is going to take care of her. She made her bad choices and now she has to deal with them.
Stay strong and Congratulations on your graduation!
Some times, you have to take a deep breath, look forward and decide that your life comes first and that not every mother/daughter relationship is salvageable. Do not allow anyone, including a loved one, to draw you into a toxic environment out of guilt/manipulation! It does not make you a “bad person” to choose your mental and emotional health first!
Good luck and congratulations on your graduation!!
If you have not been with your fiance for 2 years, don't marry him until then. If there is anything he does that you don't want to live with for the rest of your life, DON'T MARRY HIM! We who have been abused hope we can change people. We can't. Don't wait until it is too late to see that. The first guy I was engaged to was a real dud, and had me paying the bills because he wouldn't get a job or tell his rich daddy he needed more cash. I kicked the loser to the curb when he got home from his vacation without me and wanted to take me to the country club party. "But how will it look to people when I don't have my girl at the club?" He was more concerned with looks than the fact we were not getting married. I have found my friends who have been abused have similar stories with their first guy.
Dump your mthr. Then take a long hard look at your BF and read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK. Steer clear and move on with your new career many hours away from her.
Your Narc Mother and my Narc Mother sound like the same person. Been there and the bullying will absolutely eat you alive inside if you do not protect yourself.
I had to go NO CONTACT. Not an easy thing to do but the only way when the situation escalates to a toxic level.
Boundaries, a counselor, and lots of research including reading the posts on this forum will help you a great deal.
Other posters have given you great advice and insight. Here are my suggestions: go to a counselor to help find the strength within you to keep her out of your life and to understand you owe her nothing. Then walk away and go no contact.
I hope you and your sister have a good relationship. There's your true family. Lean on each other and lean on your supporters here in this forum.
Walk away to a good life. You deserve it. Please let us know how you are.
help through the hospital, or pay for pet care. She WILL ruin your life if you open
that door to becoming involved. These types of people care only for themselves
and their comfort.
They want servants and scapegoats only. Not children. They have no idea how
to care for them, and see them as only objects to exploit and project their own
internal hatred and drama upon.
Don't get sucked in. Many of us here have done so and regretted it. Parents
who were toxic during your childhood, remain so when you reach adulthood.
They want to derail your life so that they might reign supreme over your time
energy and financial resources. They will do everything to sabotage you so
that you might never get away.
You've done very well in becoming independent and getting away from her
Don't lose your progress by falling prey to her guilt tripping ploy.