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This is purposeful on my end because she is worsening (has Parkinson's) and needs to be closer to a family member. Long before PD, she was a needier parent. Now it's doubled and I want to be helpful but at the same time not lose my mind. She relies on me for everything, even while she's in assisted living.

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When she says "Jump" don't scream "How High, How High". She has you trained to react and handle everything for her. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Old people, have no patience, they want what they want when they want it, you have taught her how to treat you, time to change the script.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
MeDolly,

I wish I could like this post a hundred times.
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When my mom first moved to Independent Living, she called us all the time for burned out light bulbs, ants in her kitchen and stuff like that.

We told her "mom, you have staff; tell THEM".

She still wanted us to come. We said "no, not doing that stuff anymore. You have people to do that. We are your kids. We come to visit, not to do work".

This is called "setting boundaries".
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Seekingcalm65 Apr 2022
Yes, I need to be better at that, for sure. She will call me and say "Could you call the desk (at her current AL) and tell them I need 'such and such'"?.. Part of her problem is she isn't patient, when she wants help she wants it immediately and doesn't care that every single AL place is understaffed right now.
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When she calls and asks you to call the desk, say no Mom you need to call the desk or better yet, take a walk there.

The whole reason for Mom to be in an AL is for her to rely on someone else. Thats what she is paying for. Don't answer the phone. The desk will call u if any emergencies.
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UPDATE**
She's been in her new place less than 24 hours. I went there last night and we helped her, then this morning I spent two hours and she looked at me like I was awful when I was about to leave. I spent an hour more. By then she was acting like she was too stressed/overwhelmed (Keep in mind ALL OF HER THINGS are unpacked and she has nothing she has to do but rest or eat). She ordered breakfast (couldn't stand the thought of having to push her walker to breakfast). I wheeled her in a wheelchair to lunch, where she talked to two lovely women. But my mother always acts like she would rather lie down and after a while I start to lose empathy. I am sometimes at the point where I could just cry because she drains my energy. Onward I go, after this week I will not be going there more than twice if I can manage it.
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AlcyoneSong May 2022
First, I don't know if you have kids, but think of this as something like dealing with a toddler going to daycare. That's where we are. Mentally, your mom is regressing to a more selfish stage because she is depending on more people to help her. She cannot do the things she used to be able to do, and she may know this in some way, but in others her sense of time, filters, and other social skills are starting to fade.

So you need to recognize that she is safe, she can do certain things, and when she needs help the staff are there to assist her. She will have to learn how to ask, the rhythm of the days, and the routine of the facility. In time, she will find a certain security in that. With that security will come a sense of peace and she may start to make new friends with the people there.

You are not betraying your mother by leaving when you need to. You are ensuring she is safe, and cared for, but also giving her just enough space and independence that is respectful to her. If your mother is being rude to the other women, let her. She will find her own friends. Don't take her behavior as a personal slight to you. Remember your role only extends as far as you allow it, you are not her parent, caregiver, spouse, sister, best friend. You are her child, but you are also an adult too and deserve to be respected and treated as one.
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Don't visit her every day, she needs time to adjust. That is one of the biggest mistakes a care giver can make.

This is her new home, let the staff assimilate her, pampering her is not the answer.

If there is an emergency the facility will call you.

Back off, she will figure it out.
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Seeking calm, you sound like me to a tee…

yesterday conversation… would you get my walker for me, I need to have it to get around this room.… no mom, I took it home with me, you cannot stand anymore. … where are we going for Mother’s Day.?…. Mom, I can’t take you anywhere for Mother’s Day because I can’t put you in my car anymore. …
why can’t I live with you? if I had known I was going to be here like this I would’ve never moved from Tucson…. Well mom, who would’ve taken care of you… can we go to the jewelry store so I can get this ring sized… 

This past week I felt like everything with my mother, her hallucinations, paranoia of theft, paranoia of black people, Medicaid, the veterans assistance program, all of it, was just sucking the life out of me…  

Try to keep a healthy distance for yourself, and also keep try to keep her content..it’s a balancing act…
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Seekingcalm65 May 2022
Wow yes, you sound like me lol and I get what you're going through. My mother acts sometimes like she has no mobility issues/or that she has plenty of money to spend on frivolous things. She's paying a lot for AL. She'll ask to go buy new pants (She has TONS OF CLOTHES) every other week, or will wonder, why she can't, go to a hair salon that I go to. (It has steps, it costs more than the salon the AL includes). I hear you..and am sending you de-stressing vibes as well! Thank you for your input!
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There will be an activities director at the AL.
Please please pls go over in person without mom to introduce yourself and find out when they have a craft / project scheduled and what you can get them to make it go easier and volunteer for a least a couple of times. Let them know what moms personality and ability level is.
This time of year they are going to do something major red / white / blue for Memorial Day and then July 4th. For a modest investment of time & a buy at Dollar Tree or Goodwill you can buy a ton of crafty items for activities to use, create lots of goodwill, be there in person to see how mom interacts with others (so no more gaslighting on moms sayin’ “nobody loves me” mantras), befriend other residents (& more importantly their family) and now get activities to get mom doing stuff with others.
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My MIL is in AL. She has always been very demanding and clingy. She has Vascular Dementia that is pretty advanced which has only worsened her negative personality traits. Every call and visit with her devolved into hysterics on her part and upset my husband greatly to the detriment of his own health. So we had a talk with the AL owner. We took away her cell phone. She’s not allowed to call us using the AL phone. Now, communication with her is on our terms. The AL takes her where she needs to go and she can’t call and berate us about it. Working out well so far.
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There are some great suggestions here and I highly encourage you to follow them. If it hasn't been suggested i would like to add:

Don't retiree or quit your job.
Set aside some of your clothing your mother likes and wear them when you visit, she may not always recognize you but she might recognize your clothes.
Don't take negative comments she makes personally.
Keep your visits and calls on a fairly consistent schedule.
Encourage her to make new friendships and learn their names.
If she sends you on errands for foods etc make sure you know exactly it is you need to purchase. My mother refers to whole milk as "sweet milk".
Let her tell you where she wants to go in terms of day trips etc. If she can't handle it then you will need to be firm as why you can't take her. My mother can not go 45 minutes without a bathroom.
If you haven't yet, seek out a counselor that you can talk to about this.
Don't hesitate to ask a Dr. for anxiety reducing drugs.
Learn how to "grey rock".
Don't be a "peace maker" between your mother and family members .
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LLSC207 May 2022
What is grey rock?
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Pick a day that you’re best available and let the requests pile up for then. And don’t feel you have to answer every call, the ALF will certainly let you know if anything urgent is happening
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Beatty Apr 2022
My parents did this with their parents: 1 day a week. Then later to 1.5 or 2.

Other relatives make it clear 1 day was their limit. Phone calls may be extra for emotional support or not - up to you.
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