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I am her sole care taker. I take her to all her doctor appointments, dentist, and I take her out on little outings. She pitches in for gas but I still feel that she needs to contribute more. My mother's social security is minimal but I feel that $9.50 a day is not right. Am I wrong?

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Who is in charge of her finances?
If she has dementia she can not be handling day to day tasks.
She should be paying a portion of all the household expenses.
If there are 3 of you in the house 1/3 of the expenses would be fair.
You can charge her the legal IRS limit for transportation charges as well.
If she balks at that start doing tours of Memory Care facilities if she is aware enough of how finances are she will see that $9.50 a day is 😉slightly under the going rate.
oh....she should also be paying you as her caregiver. (Minimum would be $20.00 an hour)
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Uh, my mother pays $6500 a month in Memory Care Assisted Living not including Depends, doctor co pays, medications and other assorted nonsense to the tune of $500 more.

Yes, $9.50 a day is flat out ridiculous and you're not wrong. Mother needs to cough up her fair share of living expenses or look into Medicaid to have her placed in Skilled Nursing.
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Yikes, I don't expect anything from my mom. She always offers to buy groceries fuel etc and is generous but I wouldn't dream of charging her. It would just feel wrong to me. But I can afford to care for her so maybe that's the difference.
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Burden2Fam May 2021
Very proud to read what a very caring daughter you are. God bless you!!!!
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Can she afford more?

If yes, she should be contributing to the household bills monthly, as well as buying the items that are specifically for her, like depends.

If no, well, you have to decide if you can continue to pick up the slack financially.
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I believe that parents living with you should pay their way and what they can afford. She should be paying for any of her personal needs. Dr.bills, prescriptions, toiletries. But, does she really use that much more electric. Heating and cooling the house is not costing you more because she lives there, is it.

Your profile says she has a Dementia. If so, going to be hard to have her sign a contract but that is what you need. Medicaid needs proof that her money is going towards her care.
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From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Estela, who is 82 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, arthritis, incontinence, osteoporosis, and vision problems."

and

"I am taking care of my mom who can be defiant, stubborn, lies, and lies. She forgets a lot but sometimes it might be a manipulation trait."

I think you are doing a LOT more than just being her chauffeur, yes? What is involved in taking care of her? And what is the toll it is taking on your physical/mental/emotional health and your marriage?

Grandma1954: ".she should also be paying you as her caregiver. (Minimum would be $20.00 an hour)"

YES! What about all of your TIME?! Do you have siblings? What is their involvement? Are you POA/HCPOA?

And what is the plan for when your mother declines further? At what point will you take your life back and let a facility take care of her?

I know you just asked about her contribution to household expenses, but I'm sure that is just the tip of the iceberg Am I right?
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patriciawatrak May 2021
Thank. You pretty much got it right on the nose. Mom was verbally abusive and screamed at me as far as I can remember. She has mellowed out in her old age but is still kinda mean. It does cause issues with my husband because he knows my history with my mother. I'm in constant vigilance of them as my husband has little patience with her. My sis has offered to give me a break (finally after a whole year) during the summer as she lives in a very cold winter state...she lives alone in a very nice home. I sure hope it works out with them in the same house. My sister has no clue what it's like living with her in her old age. It will be interesting. By the way, mom gets $850.00 monthly from ss and that's her only income and no life insurance. I'm a little overwhelmed right now but I am looking into what the plan will be when dementia becomes more intense.
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My Dad would pay if I let him. He has one account which his pension goes into. My brother has POA and handles his other accounts, which he doesn't really need to use. We buy the groceries and Dad contributes enough although he thinks he doesn't. He uses his one account to pay any donations he's subscribed to through the church. He gave us way too much when he moved in which I've put in a safe account and don't touch it. My.brother sounded a bit iffy about it. Saying don't use it to go on a holiday ( What a laugh!! We never get on a holiday like my siblings and their families do ) We've got 2 dogs and 3 cats plus my Dad to look after)
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BurntCaregiver May 2021
mrsgumby11,

That's your choice to refuse your father's money. He offers to pay because he doesn't want to be an entitled freeloader who thinks his kids are supposed to become unpaid servants to him in his old age.
I don't know your father, but I'm going to guess that he's a pretty good guy and a good dad to you and your brother.
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Yes, you are, without even assuming that what she contributes pretty much covers your expenses from her care.
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FloridaDD May 2021
I think that the mother lives with OP, maybe I am wrong.  So no, that does not cover expenses.
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You might consider placing her in a home , some will take their SS check , and whatever savings she has .You sound very resentful of her . Just a quick question, if your husband developed a life threatening disease , my husband died from ALS , would you expect your husband to pay for your services? Sometimes, we just do things just because we love that person . Check into assisted living her .
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FloridaDD May 2021
I would assume that her husband already shares his money with his wife.  The issue here is that her mom does get SS, lives with OP and not paying her fair share.   I would look at like mom should be left with some amount of spending money (maybe 50-100 month) and share the rest for room and board.
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If you require more funds in care of your mother, more contributions for her own care, you certainly are free to have her use her Social Security to pay for groceries, gas and etc. You will need to keep careful receipts in folders if you are her POA, or if she is competent she should keep them. She may require care in future or some assistance and it must be made clear that she is not gifting money. If you require more then do attend an Elder Law Attorney (this she can ALSO pay for) and work out a fair plan of care that will pass the scrutiny of any questions in future. Do feel free to discuss this first with your husband, then with your husband and your Mother.
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patriciawatrak,

You are not wrong to think $9.50 a day is nowhere near enough for what you provide for your mother.

How is that money fair for 24/7 caregiving services, room and board in your home, socialization, and companion service to take her to dr's appointments? It's not and you should not feel at all guilty about expecting her to pay more.

If she went into a nursing home or AL facility, she'd be paying every cent she has over to them. Tell her this.
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Burden2Fam May 2021
My gosh that's her mother. I'd take care of my parents and not ask for nothing. Lot of you ppl are money carzed it seems. If you have such gripes how can you love and care for your mother! One day you all may be that age. Woe to person helping you all. Maybe should read Ten Commandments. Don't allow her so much money. How immature and childish. She's not a child. She's a woman that's been thu, seen and experienced lot more then you. Smh. I feel so much empathy for these mothers that are being treated wrongly. Shame on you all.
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$9.50 is ridiculously cheap! Unless you very wealthy and have offered to care for her ‘free of charge’ why would she assume that she only has to throw a few crumbs your way?

It’s very interesting because parents usually teach their children to be responsible with money.

Parents didn’t want us to feel entitled when we were children, so why should they be entitled as elderly adults. It becomes tricky because our emotions get in the way. It was their responsibility to care for any children they brought into the world. We can and should be grateful for parents who cared for us but we don’t owe them a huge debt when they get old.

Sometimes children tell themselves that they must assume responsibility for their elderly parents in all ways. Paying for all of a parent’s needs may place a financial strain on the adult children. In reality, it’s not about how much money is available to provide for your parents at the time, you also have to plan for your own future.

Was your mom a woman whose husband took care of all financial matters and therefore she has no idea of what things cost in 2021? Or does she save every penny for a rainy day? Older people who have lived through the depression find it difficult to spend money.

Discuss the situation with her. Look at her financial situation and make a budget accordingly. Give her an amount that you feel is reasonable for her to pay for living expenses in your home.

See an elder attorney to see what is the best way to proceed properly. Keep all documentation of her spending regarding her payments to you for necessary living expenses.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Thoughts... does your mom receive ss, or any type of monies? Is he life ins.policy up to date? If all above is right. Ask your self... what is she doing with her money? Ever think she may be saving for you to have after she passes? My opinion, after loosing my amazing daddy 7 mos ago and taking care of my mom who help us tremendous. Yet I wouldn't care if she didn't.
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Midkid58 May 2021
Burden--

Haven't seen you on this site before--but one thing we DON'T need is someone who is going to try to guilt all of us who are CG for nothing, or for literal PENNIES on the premise that our parents did everything for us and we owe them nothing.

For many of us that is NOT true and the pain of still having to CG for a parent who was absent, vacant and even abusive AND not being paid or reimbursed just grinds that pain deeper.

I doubt mom is 'hanging on' to her money to leave her. She needs the money NOW. $9.50 doesn't cover the cost of 3 gallons of gas!

My mom does not pay my YB a cent for living with him for the last 26 years, rent free--and yesterday she gave the Sr. Center a check for $1000 because their funds have been cut. Brother depserately needs to fix his car and can't afford to. Mother complains that he hauls her around in a total junker--and he does, b/c his decent car needs work he can't afford.

Please be aware we are already beating ourselves up over doing the best we can as CG's and then being treated like slaves doesn't help. You have your POV and that's fine. Making this poor OP feel like she's greedy DOES NOT HELP.
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She should contribute as much as you contributed to her all the years she supported you!
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cweissp May 2021
Meemaws, I apologize in advance for sounding snarky. But as a parent, when you bring a child into the world, you are responsible for loving, feeding, housing, educating and raising a decent human being.

On the other hand children have no obligation to support the parents. As adults we should all prepare for our future age decline. I, for example have no children - no one to fall back on - its all on me. I assist my mother - not financially - I am her advocate to make sure her needs are met - I handle her finances and up until COVID her medical appointments. My parents and mom's sister who lived locally took care of Grandma (grandma & grandpa were always poor and didn't have much - but they were honest, kind and hardworking)- made sure her needs were met - I doubt any of them provided Grandma with much financial help, especially while us children were young.

Making sure our parents have their needs met should be an act of love of a child for their parent - maybe honoring (if not love) them - whether they were good, bad, or indifferent - and I'm surprised by the amount of caregivers of not so great parents. I grew up in a dysfunctional family - but at least my parents (dad while he was still alive) are appreciative of what I do for them. I don't do it for their appreciation - although being appreciated does make the job more pleasant and easier - even when everyone is in a not so great mood.

It would be nice if all of us who care, in one way or another, had endless mounds of cash and could lavish the best of everything on our parents - but that isn't the way it is - and todays caregivers are going to need care themselves and if they spend all they have supporting their parents - then today's care giving children are going to be reliant on someone else for their needs.
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I guess it would depend on how much her Social Security check is. $9.50/day = $285/mo. My mother did not work the first part of her marriage and then worked in a job that would not give full-time employment, so her Social Security was under $400 per month...which most people can’t live on. Because of the length of her marriage to my father before they divorced, under SSA guidelines, I was able to get her Social Security increased based on my father’s entitlement. You say she doesn’t get much from SSA, I suppose the amount she should pay depends on how much she actually gets. Hard to respond without knowing.
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Man, people here sure jumped down her throat! She was mentioning social security, (income), but perhaps mom has assets as well? We don't know the whole story here. My dad saved all his life for a rainy day and the rainy day started when he had to live with others (first, a girlfriend...then, his son... then me... then memory care). We all demanded he pay an equal share of house expenses which he claimed he couldn't afford (believe me, he could) and that, of course didn't include the care he was getting for free. If he only knew what was going out for memory care!! You may think this is money grubbing, but, in his case, in the end, the rest of the heirs (who never see or talk to him) get the same as the caregivers so that's not fair either.

It wasn't money grabbing and if he hadn't really had the funds, we wouldn't have asked a penny. The contribution towards the household avoided unnecessary angst with spouses who were in-laws as well.
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Frances73 May 2021
I agree, I knew to the penny how much Mom had and I was determined to spend it all and apply for Medicaid before I would pay anything.
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Wow there are some mean answers on here. My mom lived with me for 2 years. She is in Memory Care now. She constantly thanked me telling me what a wonderful caregiver I was and if she became too much for me to place her in a nursing home. She didn't have much money saved and I knew she was gonna have to go on Medicaid if I ever had to place her in a nursing home. she did have $2000 a month coming in thanks to annuities AND her being able to collect her husband's Social Security. But I thought to myself. Yes I could save all of her money..just to have Medicaid take it all one day if she does have to go into a NH. So I talked to an elder attorney and asked how this could be avoided. He suggested 2 ways . 1. Have a caregivers agreement drawn up so that I could get paid for being her caregiver. OR 2. Have a realtor come in and give me a letter stating what the fair market value of her living space would be. He gave me the letter and she signed a rental agreement. So $750 a month was automatically taken from her account and placed in a separate account. This way Medicaid could not ask for that money. I saved $14,000 and I am leaving it in that separate account. I am not spending it. For me as it is for many I am sure..it is not about the money...it is about saving her money the legal way so it does not have to go to Medicaid should she have to be placed in a Nursing Home. To me it's called protecting her assetts...
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Frances73 May 2021
Wonderful plan. I was eking out mom's money when she was in AL. We spent down her savings plan, then started in on the money from the sale of the house. She had less than $900 from SS and I applied for and received an Aid and Attendance pension from the VA. We managed to cover her expenses for 3 years before I started to be concerned and would have needed to apply for Medicaid.

Something to consider is that many AL facilities do not accept Medicaid waivers, only nursing homes are required by law to accept Medicaid patients and even then only a small portion of their beds. ALS in Ohio usually require a person to be a resident for 2 years before they might accept Medicaid. And then they might be moved into a smaller or shared room. So you might start looking at facilities now and discussing payment options with them.
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If your mother is living with you, she is another member of the household. She might be able to contribute to food and household expenses, but is probably not able to pay much for caregiving help. You have not indicated that she needs a lot of hands-on medical or ADL care, so it is more of a situation like having a child who cannot drive yet. $9.50 a day would be about $285-295/month. Maybe that is an appropriate percentage of her Social Security to be contributing.
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Be happy you still have your moma. Stop complaining about money. Try on a heart of love. Or think... my daughter was my husbands care taker. He ws doing God yet in a less then blink of eye, he passed rt after she got him in bed. Gave no indications . In a blink of eye he was gone. Try on the devastation our daughter is going thu .she and her husband got him on floor. She gave cpr constantly for 30 mins and medics got here. He was gone instantly. Face turned total purple in second. She did get that color gone but think about it. Cardiac arrest or blood clot. As Bible says.. in blink of eye and its true. I was here. We are beyond devastated. 7 mos tomorrow. So cherish your moma. It shouldn't be money
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sandrambernard May 2021
I don’t think she is being unrealistic and judging her based on wanting to feel appreciated for the time and space (and stress involved) helps no one. If mom were anywhere else, she’d have to pay. It is the right thing to do to pay a portion. Speaking firsthand, it’s not about the money but it’s about the money. Money to show that we’re all in this together. Money to show appreciation for the time and effort in the care. And money that would be paid to anyone else for the same level of care and space. No child “owes” their parent a free ride at the end of their life.
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Thank you for all the advice and comments. I am learning a lot. I've been at this a year so I'm learning. Thank you all for your replies.
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We really don't know very much about your situation. For example, what is your mom's health like; does she have will, POA [financial and health]. Seeing an elder care attorney and/or going to your local Dept. of Aging are other good resources. Is Social Security her total income? If your father has passed away and received more Social Security than your mom, she should be able get an increased payment herself. I take it that you are the only child? Are there other family members who might be able to help. I really don't think we can make any value judgements based on the available info [this is not a criticism, just what the facts provide.] Are you married? any children? living on limited income? Is there medicaid in your state?
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So she is basically paying you 1/3 of her monthly SSI $. IF I'm not mistaken that is what people receiving supplemental housing are expected to pay toward their apartment. They are also responsible for utilities, food and transportation out of their own $. I would think you could ask her to assist with a share of the grocery bill if you are feeding her. She should be paying for any personal need items out of her funds as well. Also contact you local Aging Service Access Point or Area Agency on Aging (you local COA can help). Get her an assessment for needed care and get yourself some caregiver support. If she qualifies for care hours either let them find an Aide through and Agency to help or ask about the Consumer Directed Care Program where they would pay you to be her caregiver. Another option is to inquire about AFC (Adult Foster Care) where you would be paid through that program to have her living in your home and you overseeing her care.
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Have you considered Adult Foster Care? It is a government run program and if your mom qualifies you could be paid for taking care of her and it is tax free. I would contact Medicaid and see if she qualifies. There is also a frail waiver if she makes too much money from SS.
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Well if you feel your mom needs to contribute to the household expenses - make a proportionate amount of her SSA monthly check. Not her entire check but say 30% of her SSA benefits for rent and a small amount towards food, utilities, gas and so forth.
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I think it all depends on what her minimal SS amount is as to what she can pay. If she's on SSI, showing that she pays rent gives her max. When she doesn't pay rent, the check is lowered (if I remember correctly). That may be the reason you are charging rent.

If y'all just came up with an amount for rent (not based on needing to report that expense), how and why did you arrive at that particular amount?

For the possibility of needing Medicaid for a NH bed in the future, you might be better off to forget about calling it rent in your home (f there 's no reason to call it rent). Let her pay one of the utilities directly from her account. Then use her money to pay whatever expenses she has that are not shared with the rest of you. Like Rx drugs, personal items. Sort out a portion of the food when you shop and let it be her expense. Use her debit card to pay for these things and keep the receipts. Then her money is easily seen to be spent for her.

Did she live anywhere else prior to your house? How much did it cost her each month for just the utils, groceries and other odds and ends? Kind of base her expenses on that. There is no real reason for her to be in a better financial position now and saving up money because it would have to be spent down anyway in order to get into a NH if that happens.
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Imho, as $9.50 per day of your mother's daily contribution equates to roughly $285 per month, perhaps that's all that she can afford. Also perhaps $285 is adequate for her contribution.
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Consider how much her SS is.

Consider how much her share of the family budget is "hers".

Consider that mom should have a little "fun money" to do with as she wishes.

There is a reasonable amount, but need more details to comment further.
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FREE RIDE? When you were a helpless baby, child, troubled teen, young adult what did you have to contribute to your mother when she cared for your wants and needs? Did she charge you for taking you to doctors visits, outings, did you pitch in for gas, food snacks. If her SS is as minimal as mine is, maybe you should pitch in and help her to purchase the things that are necessary for her to live life without pain and stress. Add up all that she has done for her family to determine if she deserves a "FREE RIDE". Make her smile by making her feel that she has done enough. Make her feel that her suffering is over by making sure that her needs are met without her continual sacrifice. Help her to never again feel like a poor and unappropriated relative. How soon we forget the sacrifices of our parents. Some have never know how to honor those who sacrificed so much for us. Even if they never seemed to sacrifice for us we still honor them for simply giving us life... Think about it, maybe you can give her a better life in the twilight of her years. Make her proud to say that you are her child. ❤️🌹P/S Just so that you know, the government charges me $153 per month for rent and I pay my own electric bill and this is without me ever changing any of their diapers or going to PTA meetings. It is still a nightmare surviving.❤️
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