My mother is like an emotional vampire and I feel exhausted and worn out after her visits, which last several hours. How do I protect my energy?

You will have now to set up boundaries. If you do not there really is no answer, you are a slave to what she wants. Please tell your mother that her visits to you are not working for you. And that you need a bit of a vacation from her. Limit how often and how long you speak on the phone. Tell her how often she can visit you. And tell her that at the point her visit becomes uncomfortable for you, you will ask her to leave.
You may need the help of a Licensed Social Worker, or a visit with a psychologist in order to form a plan for moving forward for what YOU need for YOUR one life. Your mother will, of course, fight you very hard on this. Remain calm, and remain gentle, but tell her that her visits are not adding happiness to your life, and until they do they will have to be curtailed.

Space the visits out farther apart and cut them a little shorter each time. Start small and increase each time so it is not a big change.

Who is everyone? As an adult we have the right to tell others they don't get to dictate how we live. If "everyone" starts in on you, shut them done immediately. This topic is not up for discussion. Sounds to me like you have others in your life that still think of you as a child and can be dictated to as such. Enlighten them that it is not longer the case.

Alva has given you good advice. If your family takes exception to it, to you putting boundaries in place then that is a sign of disfunction in your family.

Your home is your sanctuary. You do not have to admit anyone into it, if they do not show you respect.

My mother was banned from my home for 4 years. She had a house key and I changed the locks. She was snooping through my mail, listening to my answering machine, and taking various possession of mine that she decided I did not deserve to have.

Sure I got push back from other people, family and family friends. But I also got peace in my own home. I have recently allowed her back across my threshold, but only when my grandson, her great grandson is here. Even then last time I caught her flipping through my mail, so this may end.

Only you can say no to your mother.

My mother is what I call an Energy Vampire, like yours, I'm sure, and no picnic to interact with. Even after a phone call I feel exhausted. During a phone call, I clean.......just ask my DH. He knows who I'm talking to based on what I have in my hand......if it's a chamois and a bottle of Orange Glo, it's mother! UGH. Anyway, you can't change HER and the fact that she stares at you..........you can only change YOU and how you interact with HER. The staring is a game; she knows it unnerves you, so that's why she does it. It breaks you down and sets you up for the manipulation to follow. Visits that last 'several hours' have to stop. How do you do that? YOU call the shots. You make up stories and situations and events you're involved in, real or invented, that make it IMPOSSIBLE for you to accept a visit from her this day. "Gee mother, I'd so LOVE to see you, but that day and time just doesn't work for me because I have XYZ planned for that day and time." Then YOU say when and where the visit will take place. In my experience, it's better for me to go over there and then I can LEAVE when the toxic fumes begin to suffocate me. If she is in your house, you can't leave.....and she'll make it impossible to kick her out because then The Victim Personality will take over with FOG (fear obligation & guilt) preventing you from kicking her arse to the curb. So this is why YOU call the shots; to level the playing field a bit and to give YOU the upper hand, for a change. She doesn't want that...........she wants to be The Boss. Which is too bad, really, because things are about to change if you want to snatch your life back and protect your energy.

When you do visit her, imagine a protective shield of good energy all around you. Hold up an invisible shield which wards off all the toxic arrows that are hurled at you, one after the other. Smile and nod, practice using phrases like, "Gee that's unfortunate." "I'm so sorry to hear that." "What do YOU plan to do about that situation?" Non-committal words and phrases that don't warrant a comeback from her, which keeps the verbal game going. You want to KILL OFF the verbal war, not perpetuate it.

Gray rock is another good technique to use, Google it. Basically, you act like a gray rock; no emotion, no response, no nothing. You just sit there expressionless. These women are trying to get their SUPPLY from us, which keeps them fueled and pumped up, ready to go in for the kill. If you give her no supply, she runs out of fuel, that's the gist of the technique. I can tell you that with my covert passive aggressive narcissistic mother, she will push and prod and poke and use SO MANY WORDS that eventually, I break my gray rock stance and say something. Which starts the whole mess up AGAIN. And so the insanity continues.

Read this article: https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

I was able to glean a few GOOD tips from it, and to recognize my mother in most of the 25 personality traits that were discussed. Sigh.

Also, as far as the rest of your family goes, what you say & do with your mother is YOUR business, not THEIRS. Do not speak to your other family members about what is going on with your mother. If yours is anything like mine, she's the queen of being The Good Mother in other people's eyes, yet the queen of mean to ME. So therefore, other's don't 'get it' and they never will. The less said to them, the better. Otherwise, mother will use them as her flying monkeys and paint YOU to be the bad guy. Keep others OUT of this; that is my suggestion based on 63 years of experience (unfortunately) with a mother like this.

You have my sympathy. Take my advice and cut your visits DOWN and cut the duration of them down by A LOT by calling the shots YOURSELF. There is no other way with these women then to set firm boundaries down and then stick to them like GLUE. Otherwise, they'll walk all over you like a dirty doormat. That's their goal.

Best of luck!

Just wondering how old you are and how old is Mom.? Are you married? Kids? Work? I ask because if you are married, kids and work you don't have time for visitors. You are entitled to downtime. If Mom just shows up, you may just want to start asking that she call before she comes. Be honest, you are not always in the mood to visit. You can tell a little white and say, "thats not just you Mom its anyone". Ask her to please call before she plans to visit because you may have something else planned. Little by little try not to be there. If she is in the habit of calling first, don't answer the phone. You were in the shower, outside, ect when the phone rang. Maybe just plan one day a week that you get together. Make it lunch out. Meet there and then go ur separate ways. Go on vacation. Tell her you will call her when u get home. If she calls you, don't pick up.


In the beginning of my marriage my MIL felt it was OK to visit early in the morning, why not she's been up since 7am. Not me, I worked and weekends were my time to sleep in and just lay around in my PJs. This one time I was getting my daughter ready for Sunday School (bath and all) and my Mom was picking her up by 9:30. My Mil comes to visit at 9am. I explained I couldn't talk because I was getting my 4 yr old ready for SS. "Can I help" she asked. I said no, just have the one kid. I told her then, mornings are not good for me. She left but made sure she told me she went home and cried. I would have said the same thing to my Mom no problem. Another time she woke up my husband (her son), after he had worked night shift, to tell him she didn't like the way he rearranged the furniture. He told her it was none of her business. That was pretty much the last time she entered our house without being invited. And the next time the front doornob needed replacing, she was not given a key.

Does this "family" do anything for you? If you needed help of any kind, would they offer it? If the answer is no, then I wouldn't worry about them. Tell them you are an adult with responsibilities of your own. That you can't be Moms entertainment.

You wrote "I think she is under the impression I exist to provide her happiness." the big question is do YOU think you exist to provide her happiness? It doesn't matter what your Mom thinks it matters what you think.

I had a similar relationship with my Mom through much of my adult life and I was miserable. It took a lot of counseling and other support for me to break that dynamic. Mom was NOT happy with me changing and resorted to all the manipulative tactics... rage, guilt trips, insults, self pity. She was relentless and there were times when I succumbed to her machinations, usually when she appealed the "savior" side of me. I kept at it though. When I realized I was back in the "quicksand" I would detach and re-set my boundaries. Over the years it got easier but I had to stay vigilant. Mom never changed.

When my parents reached their 80s they began needing more and more help and I had to decide what I was willing and able to do for them. That was a difficult process. Once again I was confusing what my parents wanted with what they actually needed. It was much harder to set boundaries with Mom, especially after Dad passed, but I'm doing it.

I hope you can find a way to free yourself from the your Moms web. I hope it is easier for you than it has been for me. One piece of advice... seek out people who enforce your self worth and hightail it away from those who judge.

I won’t repeat the good advice in other posts, but add a couple of suggestions. If mother won’t make arrangements for visiting and just turns up, say ‘What a pity, I have to go out in 10 minutes’. Change your clothes and go! After two or three times, she may ask in advance. Next, is there one person in your family to whom you could talk about the problem? There may be another who is also feeling that they have no support. You could start with a tentative question, not a complaint – eg ‘Have you noticed mother staring at you? It seems a bit strange when it happens with me’. And/or you could raise a question about whether the person can think of new interests for mother. ‘I’m concerned that mother is quite dependent on me and has so few interests of her own. Can you think of anything to help?’ Asking a question that might get the other person thinking is less risky than starting with a complaint.

Does she come on a schedule or just turn up at your door? If its scheduled start making other plans that would shorten the time, let her know in advance that you have to leave at a certain time for an appointment. If she just shows up have your purse at the ready and meet her at the door with “so sorry I can’t visit right now I’m on my way out.” For the staring at you while you are out together – Why are you going out with her? When she stares at you stare back or ask if there is something on your face or do you need something? Try not to be alone with her, ask one of these other family members to join you on your outing or when she is due to visit your house.

With the exception of your husband, you do not owe anyone in your family an explanation. The more you explain yourself the more explanations will be expected of you. "Do not complain. Do not explain." The only person whose in your corner is your husband, and he feels smothered by your mother too, so try to look at it less as you safeguarding your energy and more as you safeguarding your marriage.

Get busy. You do not need to say more than "Sorry, mom, I have plans" or "Sorry, mom, hubby and I have plans". And then you let her know when it's good for her to come visit. Maybe having her over for Sunday luncheon or something that is tolerable for you and hubby.

You do not need to answer all of her phone calls or text messages. That's what voicemail is for. It's also a good idea to stop answering your phone after a certain time so that you have time to yourself without interruption.

If you work, you also can use work as an excuse: "Mom, the pandemic has put more work on my plate at the office. I'll call you tomorrow and we will schedule a visit."

It's about phrasing things in the positive rather than telling her "no". And it's also about you acting like the adult you are.

When your mother is walking up to your house, come outside with your bag and car keys in hand and pass her on the way to your car and say "sorry mom, gotta run, it's urgent." Then take off --- fast.

So sorry that you have to go through this. You sound like a wonderful, loving, respectable daughter. Do not ALLOW yourself to become a victim. Yes, I said ALLOW. Role reversal is difficult but necessary. I think most of us lucky enough to still have a parent MUST retrain our behaviors. We, the children, NEED to become the parent. It's so sad but so necessary in order to continue showing the love and respect our parents deserve, otherwise we become bitter and resentful. Look at her as a child you love and adore and treat her accordingly. No, it is not demeaning or disrespectful. You cannot allow a child to rule your life. You need interact as if she is now your daughter and treat her with the love and respect you would show your own child - never as a lesser person. You always have to set the rules with love. It will be hard but harmonious. Know she is getting older - no matter what her age. Be prepared there is always a relative that won't agree. Of course, they are not the one going through this. They can't understand so please cut them some slack and just respectfully listen. Don't take the guilt. You will be doing what is best for your mom. You will be acting like a responsible adult. Just as a child finds comfort in having boundaries, your mother's life will be a little less stressful for her. This is a fact of life. Your mom is so lucky to have such a loving, kind, giving daughter. Give her what she needs and your life will be better. Remember -no guilt because you are being selfless!!

You indicate that she is a narcissist. In that case, those with that disorder are often very difficult to be around. Protecting your energy from a narcissist would be difficult to do, but, you can limit the time you visit.

I'm quite familiar with them and it's really something that you have to take control over. You can't control them, but, you can control yourself. If you feel helpless, I'd seek counseling to get the tools you need to free yourself from her hold. I'm a very direct person and have no trouble speaking my mind to just about anyone, but, with those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that might not be enough. They have methods to control you that might be complex and devious. Then, throw in the family dynamics and it's even more complicated.

I'd read a lot about people who behave that way, so you can figure out what route you'll take to avoid the misery these people bring. Keeping peace in the family is difficult too, because, often the bonds are not genuine. It's difficult to know the truth about many things, because, they have clouded it. Things that you may have been told about other family members may also not be accurate. I'd say verify anything you are told and withhold conclusions until you confirm.

I'd also consider if you mother has some other kind of condition. People with Narcissistic Personalities can also develop dementia. It can complicate their condition. It's difficult to know where one disorder ends and the other starts.

Who's in charge of her care? They may want to seek a medical evaluation.

My mother is like this. But I made a commitment to her and I will keep it. Less from love than from a sense of obligation. What works for me is to set boundaries: 2-3 hours maximum and realize that I WILL be tired afterwards and allow for that. My husband knows I will need a nap and probably will be useless the rest of the day. So we don’t plan anything else. The other thing that helps (though can be easy to say and hard to do) is just distancing yourself. I whisper to myself “let it flow like water off a duck’s back...water off a duck’s back.” It’s taken me two years to figure out what works for me. Just keep trying different things and don’t take it personally.

Wishful77, until you change you, you won't be able to stop her. I'd suggest that you get counseling. And if you have to cut off the rest of the family so be it. Only you can get yourself healthy by putting a stop to it. Hang in there and know we are all pulling for you.

I feel for you, I have lived with that hold over my life for a long time. I have my own life but that is the background and the guilt or not so much guilt but hold. Am also single no kids so she doesn't understand anything about my life not they way she would have wanted it to be, never mind asking me if I am happy with my life, she isn't. My only brother died many years ago and I guess I was always trying to make her happy which really is impossible wasn't before he passed away and impossible after. My father is now in hospice and was emotionally not so there self preservation I think, however was my rock as even if not that emotionally available never controlling or negative and was incredibly supportive during some difficult times, he dealt with her his whole life somehow it worked. I am looking at him being gone in not too long and am really scared at how our relationship will change, I need to make more boundaries and demands. Complicating the issue we are immigrants - here forever but she counts on me for everything - claims she doesn't understand when actually it's just that her sense of self worth is so small and she won't allow herself to believe that she can do anything. She cannot have empathy for anyone only her way is ever right and the way she sees the world, scared, paranoid, controlling, I feel for her pain but that pain has colored my life and done much damage over the years. She is also now the only family I will have and is like a petulant child, constantly stonewalls which is painful- I have many cousins but its really not the same. I have never done counseling but am starting next week to help me through this transition as I don't want to lose myself completely in the next few years not having my dad as a buffer will be really difficult.

Can you limit her visits? Also make the visits shorter by going out to run "errands or do appointments". I feel the same when checking in with my mother at her apartment. Most of the time is not peaceful. I call everyday and have reduced not only my visits but the length if time I am with her. You have to save your sanity. I don't know what to say about the staring. Odd. Set boundaries and do not be so available. Make sure she is cared for but you are not required to do it all.

Maybe she is staring at you because she loves you! Lol!
My mother is an emotional vampire too. She is 82 years old and has drained me most of my adult life. Setting boundaries is the most important things. Set a precedence with her. Mothers sometimes want to be the most important one or she may see you still as a child and think that it is ok to behave this way.
Tell her how you feel, even if she does not like it, even it make your uncomfortable, and set boundaries with her.

I usually set time limits and distract my mom with a response of I have errands to attend to, I will be back at another time, a specific day and time. You may have to distract her with the staring as well, remark on how great she looks today, interesting outfit you have on today. Start going on walks with her, even if it is just around the block once or twice. We all need that break now and then. You are trying to be a good person, and you are, but take control and set some limitations.

Wishful, I so agree! I keep reading all this good advice but just don't see how I can put it into practice with my own mother without causing family ructions and even problems in my marriage (my husband fails to see my point of view and is Mum's golden boy). Sometimes the choices are not real options.

Hi it is a tricky one because without meaning to, you have allowed a pattern to develop and it suits your mum just fine. I would try being 'ill' (white lie) as a starter for fobbing her off, as initially you might get quite a bit of resistance from cutting the contact down. If you say you are busy or seeing someone else, you will spend time explaining and defending your choices but not feeling particularly well is usually socially acceptable. Then you can move to phase 2 when you have whittled the contact down a little.
Of course with another reasonable adult we wouldn't lie at all. We could discuss it rationally but another rational adult would not expect you to want to see them all the time and stare at you for too long.

Maybe if you confronted her in a matter of fact way and just said, "Mom, why are you staring at me? She may not be totally aware of it and if you bring it to her attention she may stop. Worth a try:)

She senses your distress and is focusing in on you while trying to understand what is going on. When my mother was more vocal, she would immediately sense any frustration and repeat “what’s wrong” with increasing levels of anxiety. Which would, of course, get me even more distressed.

Is there a way to control WHEN she visits and for how long?

What do you do during visits? Is there a way to structure these visits so that they seem less intense to you and she is not staring at you?

What are some things you can do during your visits that would decrease the intensity level?

For example. Make some tea and toast, read the newspaper together. Take the dog for a walk. Make something in the kitchen. Work on a hobby. Do some stretching exercises or yoga. (Fill in with whatever you like to do in your family!)

In my 60’s, I’m finally learning to emotionally distance myself from my narcissistic mother with the help of a great therapist. She’s recommended several books but the best is probably Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. It is expensive (59.99 on Amazon) but worth every penny. It is also a difficult read as you begin to recognize the dynamics of your relationship with your mother and the role that she established for you as a child but it explains so much.

My father has now passed away, my mother is in an excellent long term care facility and I am taking charge of my own life - going so far as to move from the west coast to the east coast to be near my son and his family and begin this next chapter of my life. My wake up call was when my psychiatrist asked me during a med check for depression “how much longer are you going to allow your mother to hold you hostage?”.

Don’t be like me and wake up at 64 and realize that you are being held hostage by your elderly mother who is delighted that you are at her beck and call. ☺️

All good advice here - I would also suggest getting a counselor/therapist so that you have someone to talk to - to vent without putting a strain on your husband, without getting flak from your family, and they can help you with a strategy for setting healthy boundaries. It took me 40 years to realize that I could hang up on my mom during one of her abusive phone calls. It was amazingly liberating. You can do it!

Wow... I was reading some of you replies to the replies to YOU,... got that? I have 3 brothers, two of which are older. Mom divorced our dad when we were in jr high and high school. My brothers were forced to go to work and hold down full time jobs while in high school to support us... and they did. Mom would get jobs but would not keep them but a few weeks. Always someone else's fault. Then found out youngest brother was actually our half-brother. Mom had had an affair. Reason for the divorce and why our dad had NOT stayed home but s working overseas for years? Found out mom lied ALL THE TIME but that was many years down the road. In my case, she pushed me to get my driver's license. NOT for me but for her. This is what I mean---where before I always had to go with her whenever she went anywhere and SHE did the driving... NOW I did all the driving. Also.. when I got a job, she started showing up and try to become buddies with my boss. My boss figure this out, turned her off and could not stand my mother. My mom did NOT understand that my boss did NOT want her there. EVERYWHERE I WENT (except for my job).. every time I got in my car to go anywhere, my mom was in my car. My brother, for my sanity since I did NOT have any money before I got this job, bought me a car for which I eventually paid him back) He had no idea that mom insisted on going with me everywhere. And when she got in her car, I had to go with her. Finally, one day, I told her.. did not ask her.. told her but in nice way.. maybe too nice, that I wanted to go by myself. She was angry and blasted me. Then, a few weeks later, when I went to get in HER car as usual to 'have to" go with her, she blasted me for getting into her car! Go figure. But finally, I did not go pretty much after that and because she had boy friends she was seeing!! I never knew what mental issues my mother had but she had to be mentally ill. Something was seriously wrong with her. She died within 24 hours after having surgery.... busted hernia she never had taken care of... sepsis. I tell ya... I was glad she was gone. She was miserable and made everyone around her miserable. Even though I had been working and had the job, she would insist that I we go on "vacation" together whenever I took a vacation. She never asked me if I wanted to go WITH HER. I had ended up buying a mobile home and she then expected to move in with me. I told her no. Of course, THAT made her mad but I stuck to my guns. She had a house that us kids grew up in that had been built by OUR dad... and nice house but she would NOT keep it up. Also, her car she NEVER took in for maintenance of any kind. She had my older brother do any work on it that needed to be done all those years. And.. my brothers NEVER saw their paychecks from their jobs because mom would get all dolled up... makeup, jewelry... high heels and walk in and take their pay checks. She felt those were HER checks. Very sick woman. So even though my mother never had a mortgage or rent to pay, she could not support herself.. or rather, she REFUSED to support herself.

I pray for you. You will have to set boundaries which we pretty much did NOT do and I did not because I thought I was being mean. I was young... felt awful for the things I was thinking... I had no backbone, no one to counsel me. NO one knew what was going on except for us kids! We had no one to go to. You are NOT being mean. Just know, your mom sounds like my mom... they don't care about you... for whatever reason and just because they want something does not mean that it is right that they asked in the first place and that you have to meet their demands. You can ONLY do so much. You are NOT her all in all and never can be. NO one person can. So....no matter what your mother tells you YOU are.... YOU do what you HAVE to do to keep your sanity. Hugs.

Only you can change...you can’t make other people change. I agree with trying the Gray Rock technique on her and deciding how to set boundaries. It probably would be helpful to seek professional help if you don’t think our answers are good enough.

OMg...When i saw"staring", I had to jump into this thread! My mom does the same and I hate it...I try to put on YT videos or put a book in her hands. I used to try telling her to stop staring and she would respond with,"there's nothing else to do"..DUH....so screen to the rescue.

Good luck!

Most people here are taking care of their own mom or dad and already it is tough. Try taking care of SOMEONE ELSE'S mom. Like a mother in law. Wow. Day in day out the same shit AND not your own mom. You seriously have no patience anymore. I started out with the patience of a saint and I'm a very laid back easy going understanding person. But she really is impossible and to be honest, a lot of times I'm just wishing she will just die and rid us of her nuisance. There really is no point in her existence and all she does is inconvenience and stress people around her. She has too many problems to list here but since we are talking about the staring, yes she does that too. She just stands there and stares at your face. She is bipolar, schizophrenic, extremely anxious, besides dementia, she has tardive dyskinesia so she would be tsking and smacking her lips and making those damn annoying noises like moist gummy smacking noises when people eat a lot of sticky peanut butter and you trying to unstick your mouth. She would stand at one spot and keep swaying and staring at you. If you ignore it, she will sway and stare at you for as long as you can ignore. My record is about 20mins before I yell at her to GO! GO TO YOUR ROOM!!! Even her own son is pissed at her and he yells at her all the time. Now he just blocks his line of sight from her with a big Amazon box. When he is on the couch and she stands in the hallway . he piles a bunch of stuff and puts a big amazon box on top so her line of sight to him is blocked. Lol.
When I'm cooking in the kitchen, she will stand and sway and stare at me. I always have to tell her to go. Go to her room. And she would be back 2 mins later to do the same thing. Again and again. For more than 10 times until you really have to YELL at her. I really don't like to have to do that but it seems to be the only thing that works. Even getting her to engage in little things she likes to do won't stop the incessant pacing and returning to shadow you and then swaying and staring. So yeah, I yell really loud at her because I don't want to piss myself with pent up anger. So I let it out or I will go crazy mentally. Yelling really helps both her and more importantly, me!
Same thing when I'm at the computer trying to work, she will stand behind me and just sway. For as long as you are sitting and doing your work. I will tell her to not bother me ,I'm busy, I'm working but nothing works with them. She's back 1 min later and swaying behind me and rambling on her nonsense. Repeat this 10,20 times and it keeps going on. So I yell. Believe me there are a couple of times I wanted to take my big glass and just THROW IT AT HER FACE. Sorry. But is the truth. That's how pissed she can get people. We've had 2 caretakers and both gave excuses and left not even 2 weeks of care.

When she does her annoying things, I just totally ignore her and leave her alone and go for a walk, let her wear herself out with her own nonsense. Or I go to my room and lock the door and let her talk herself to death. I've also invested in a pair of good ear plugs so when she starts babbling her nonsense that makes absolutely no sense, I just put the earplugs in. she can talk nonsense nonstop for 5 hrs! Sentences that make no sense, that have no nouns or anything, just the same repeated sentences that make no sense eg 'I'm worried that people.. and I just don't know..and so, it never is, because I just can't, I can't , and with this and that, but I want you to know that everything is, and what it is, but I just , and I just, what it is, I can't, so I just want to know"....BLAH BLAH BLAHH the same bullshit that makes no sense for 5 hrs.
So yeah, too many exhausting and soul sapping nonsense from her that i've learnt to adapt and more importantly, SAVE MYSELF from mental torment and anguish . I just block ( go to my room, out for walk) or ignore with my loud music or earplugs.

There are a lot of sites on line about protecting your energy, they’ll be a few that stand out and be a good fit. I tend to use all of them :)

Judith Orloffs Intuitive Healing, I like that book in particular bc she talks about taking care of her aging father and all that went with it. How to protect your energy, and how to navigate being an empath in a situation like this.

Its on audible so I can put my earplugs in and be at peace with her reassuring voice.