My mother is hard of hearing and seems to misinterpret everything I say. When I speak louder she thinks I am angry at her. Any suggestions?

"she talks to me like I am stupid. She lives in my house."
That would be a deal breaker for me.
Use a notebook and write in it what is important for her to hear. Or write routine messages on cards. Dinner is ready. Time for your meds. I'm going out. Whatever you routinely have to tell her. If she misunderstand your words, just write it down. No fuss needed.
Ignore her when she is ugly or misinterprets. I bet if you get on the phone and start calling around for ALFs she will pick up on that.
My husband and I both have poor hearing and need to get hearing aids. Sometimes I tease him and act like I'm talking when I am only moving my mouth without actually speaking. It's usually after he has gone off on a tangent thinking he heard one thing when another was said. He knows what I'm doing but we get a laugh out of it.
My parents were the best at that. My dad would misunderstand what my mom had just said and he would answer her about something they both found more interesting and my mom would go with his topic. Those standing nearby didn't have a clue what was going on. They (parents) knew they had misunderstood but were good natured about it. That's hard to do when you already are having a hard time with the person you are trying to communicate with.
You might consider alternatives the next time she goes to rehab. You don't have to bring her home. You are doing so because you want to. Remind yourself of that.
You have to lie down before someone can use you as a door mat. Any time you are making all the concessions yet the other person is not happy, an adjustment is needed in their expectations. For you to go through all that and they still complain, well, maybe you aren't the right person for the job.

First I would rule out anything medical. Has she had her ears checked for wax buildup? Has she been screened for dementia? Also, this is easier said than done, but try not to take her put downs of you personally. You are not stupid and you know that. You may now be dealing with someone who is hard of hearing and now with dementia.Keep communication simple, my husband is hard of hearing and I have learned to not even try to speak to him unless he is looking directly at me, I even sometimes to get his attention quickly stamp my foot on the floor, the vibration he feels is our mutually agreed upon code for "I need to talk to you" without me having to yell. We have been married for 33 yrs. and developed our own "sign language". Again you may be dealing with dementia on top of a hearing loss. I know this has to be very frustrating for you as she lives in you home. Please keep us updated and share anything that works for your situation with us because there are a lot of people on this site that are in your same situation that could use the info. Hugs!

I agree with timbuktu's suggestion to make sure your mom is looking at you before you start to speak. My mom had some form of dementia (no short-term memory and her reasoning skills were shot). I found with her I had to get her attention and then w-a-i-t for a second or two to speak so she could engage her brain (I assume) to listen to me and pay attention. If I didn't do that, she'd invariably say, "HUH?" That nearly drove me insane!

The other things I discovered was I had...to...speak...much...more...slowly, so her brain could process my words. I spoke LOUDLY and cut down on the words I used. The shorter the sentences, the better she could hear and understand me. When I used those tricks, we'd do OK. But the minute I'd start talking without her looking at me or I went to fast or didn't go LOUD enough or used too many words, "HUH" is what I'd get. ARRRRGH!!!!! It can be frustrating as all get out.

Agree with Blannie, make face contact first, keep words succinct and to the point and enunciate clearly.

Or you could try the reverse. See if you can convince her that you are losing your hearing and can't hear yourself so you must speak louder to hear yourself. It might work.

Whenever my mother was asked about her hearing loss she'd say cheerfully "oh, it drives my daughter round the bend." Doctors, audiologists, nurses, all found it terribly comical and endearing.

Her particular tic was to ask me to repeat what I'd just said and then start answering as soon as I was embarked on the repetition. "So you DID hear me?" "No, no." "?!?"

Hearing is quite a complex brain process. I suppose her habit was like re-reading a sentence, just confirming what she thought it was in the first place? Something like that.

But in any case understanding what goes on only partly helps in not finding it a trial. Just wanting to send hugs and sympathy to go with the good advice above. And do try not to throttle her, I know it's tempting.

After many disagreements with Mum over when I said I would be round next, for example I would say, ‘I’ll be round tomorrow at 2:30’ but when I got there she would say in an accusatory tone, ‘you said you would be round at 12, I thought something had happened, I’ve been waiting for you’, I got a little notebook which I leave by the phone and I write down, ‘Tuesday 7th November, Angela will be round at 2:30 to take you shopping’, she now knows to check the notebook to see what’s planned, which has made things a lot easier.

I have to make my father write down things too. He hears what he wants to hear. Every Thanksgiving my brother in law would pick him up at noon. Been doing this for year. Last year he moved into AL so my daughter went to pick him up at noon. He was told this several times. However he wanted to go at 10am so he had been sitting in the lobby for two hours waiting for my daughter. Did he call me to see if he got the information incorrect? No, he called my aunt who had nothing to do with our Thanksgiving gathering. Who then called me and started a bit to do. I have no sympathy for those who expect others to make accommodations for them when they won't help themselves (hearing aids). I refuse to repeat myself or raise my voice too many times. My father would do the same thing and say HUH? even when he heard me the first time. When I realized that I refused to repeat myself.

We must be twins!
My mother is 98. She's had hearing aids for years, but has not had them, or her hearing checked, for a LONG time.
Phone conversation is impossible, and in person I still need to raise my voice. Then she says, "Don't yell at me".
This past weekend, after her being in the hospital and rehab,I moved her to assisted living. She knows she can't live at home, and I have told her that the assisted living facility is requiring her to see an audiologist.
I used a healthcare "navigator" to help me find a place for her to live, and work through the maze of questions and paperwork. The advocate said that, especially with people with memory loss, it's OK to tell "little lies".
So, can you get her doctor to "prescribe" a hearing test/appointment?
Sometimes having a "professional" tell them they need something works better than the "child" (who obviously doesn't know anything - Ha!) trying to get the parent to comply.
Best of luck to you. It's a tough situation.

I'm almost 66 (this month) and my DH is 96. I hear you, no pun intended.

First, when DH was first diagnosed with hearing loss, I was told, "don't raise your voice, talk slower." I know, not easy. That said, sometimes I do have to raise my voice and I get the same reaction you do. But, I tell him that I am yelling because he can't hear me. This seems to satisfy him 95% of the time.

I also got him to wear one hearing aid most of the time. The problem is, they hurt. You can take Mom to have the hearing aids adjusted and possibly even remade if necessary. I can hardly wait until next year when DH is entitled to a new pair from the VA. I hope to address that the hearing aid is too large for his ear canal. The newer models are "less invasive" but still can hurt the ear canal.

Lastly, I had to go back to a "landline phone" so he can hold the receiver. If this is not an option for you, I found the ear-buds from phillips work great with my iPhone! They hook over the ear and I plug it into the bottom of my phone. He only gets 1 call a week, and only about 10 minutes - but this way he can hear his son and have a small conversation.

I'm here if you want any particulars - you can just click on my name and leave me a message. I will get an email alert if you do.

I hope you find a workable answer, because I've been living with this for years -- plus so much more. Its so bad at times that I don't even want to talk to my mother anymore, because I'm tired of raising my voice and repeating myself. Our cat runs out of the room when I have to do it -- the poor thing must be getting PTSD!! My mom has moderate dementia, and she sometimes doesn't even know what her hearing aids are for. She takes them out three or four times a day and then asks me why she can't hear anything. I have to keep putting them back in and remind her why she needs to wear them. Sometimes she throws them in the trash, and I have to sift through it to get them back. I'm sure the neighbors can hear me outside when I'm trying to get something through to her. Her memory lasts for as much as a minute or two, so notes don't help. She can still read, but she can't retain it. For me, there is no solution, but perhaps your mom has enough wits about her that she might eventually "cave" and get hearing aids. Sounds like it would have to take something powerful, like getting a visit from a long-lost, much-loved relative and not being able to talk with them, or not being able to talk to grandchildren. But maybe your mom might be the type who blames her lack of hearing on others ("he mumbles," is one I used to hear). In spite of my mom's hearing loss, she is a chatter box, often not giving me enough time to respond, or she repeats the same questions and comments within a minute or so from saying them previously. When my mom "had her mind," which was years ago -- we talked about all the things she was missing by not getting hearing aids. She didn't notice that she couldn't hear the birds sing, the rustle of wind in the trees, crickets chirping at night, the sound of a whisper, or things she'd once loved but had forgotten. But really, I had to get relatives in on it to convince her they were necessary, because the relationship she has with me is "different" -- I've been with her all along. We're too familiar to each other. We argue; she doesn't respect my opinions anymore, etc. She's stubborn as a mule. With others, she listened more, because they were outsiders and could be more objective. At any rate, I'm rambling. Best of luck to you, and keep us posted on how the fight is going. God bless.

My MIL has had hearing problems as long as I've known her. She's now in a nursing home with dementia. After years of refusing hearing aides we finally got her to wear them. It was a nightmare. She couldn't get them in, didn't turn them on, lost them, threw them in the garbage etc. She couldn't hear anything we'd say and it was very frustrating for her and anyone visiting her. The nursing home suggested we try the SuperEar Sonic Ear Personal Sound Amplifier. I found it on Amazon and it actually worked for her. After all these years she can actually have conversations without us yelling. She doesn't mind wearing the headphones. We keep them in her drawer and take them out when visiting. Who would have thought that after years of fighting her with expensive hearing aids a $50 microphone with headphones would work!

Get a spiral notebook and sharpie, answer with large block letters and short answers. Ask short yes or no questions. It will save your voice and sanity. My fil would not wear his hearing aides. No one wants to wear them. Using a notebook and marker makes life easier. You will wonder why it took so long to start. Ask about their childhood and take notes. You can look at the notes after they pass and enjoy the time with them.

The best idea is to try to ignore her negative reactions to you. As far as heating aides, just take her to the hearing specialist and have her tested. Don’t ask. I realize it’s easier said than done. In the morning, perhaps at breakfast as she takes her meds, just tell her you have to “check her esrs” and place the hearing aides on or in her ears. It can be part of your morning ritual. It’s very difficult, I know, dealing with stubborn parents or patients. I’ve ignore much of it and do what needs to be done!! Don’t ask; act. Always as lovingly as possible.

This is a horrible situation that is not going to get better unless your mother gets hearing aids or place her somewhere so you don't have to deal with this nonsense. Tell her firmly, so she hears, that unless she gets hearing aids and can talk to you normally, you simply cannot talk to her - you can't hear her and you don't want to shout. Keep repeating this over and over until she gets it. Do NOT get involved in any other conversations. Ignore her. She'll give in and get hearing aids.

I am 90 and my audiologist told me that I could try an hearing aid but it would not work. I did try it and all it did was just making louder all the noises including my own voice and driving me nuts but I still could not make out correctly what people was saying unless they were speaking slowly and not loud. The diagnosis was hearing dyslexia that has to do with the brain and not with the hears. The brain becomes slower and cannot scramble properly the sounds it receives from the hears. It is fairly common in the elderly, Now I ask people to speak slowly and clear and I get by almost well by reading the lips and using my imagination to fill the gaps left by my brain.
Ask the specialist before spending a fortune in a hearing aid or just buy one you can return for a fee the way I did.
Just don't shout, it drives everybody with hearing problems crazy.
Be patient. Best wishes.

My mom is the same. Sooooo frustrating. Sometimes she misunderstands on purpose as well. The TV volume is so high too and I refuse to yell over that.
We've developed a hand signal language for the daily basics. It just happeneed over time but it works

Important info is written out. We have an info wall for everyone to stay in the know, which includes a white board where reminders etc are written as well.

TV must be muted for conversation.

And finally,
"I'm sorry, I can't talk with you if you don't have your hearing aid in"

For the most part it works well. I think she figures that because she has the disability it's our problem on how to communicate not hers. Which leads us to "help me to help you otherwise this isn't going to work for anybody"

A white board with dry erase pens and eraser.
Our situation is very similar to yours only difference is my mom is 95.
Write what things she must understand and pantomime the rest. I do a great coffee and dinner 😋.

Find a way to get her to get hearing checked and a hearing aid(don't tell her where you're taking her), and tell her that's the way it's got to be if she wants to continue living in your home with you. PERIOD!! It's your home and YOUR RULES! OR ELSE!

Please let me clarify a few things with hearing loss. Hearing loss does not equate to deafness. It could be the loss of one or more frequencies in the very complex hearing system. Not every single frequency lost can be replaced.
When talking to a person with hearing loss it is absolutely necessary to look at the person. That is where the little tiny microphones are. Not on the wall, the floor or anything else. When you are not looking directly at the person those sound waves are dispersing to who know where.
Looking at the person when speaking is sometimes called speech reading. It includes you hand jesters, body language, the words formed by your lips.
Next, oh so many letters and words sound the same to us. Think about how many words can sound nearly the same: day, hey, say, may, he she, me, bee, be, and the list is end less. It is the difference between hearing a sound and speech comprehension.
And don't forget all of the external noises that you are able to filter out and we are not. That is right those blooming devices pick up more than words. Birds singing is nice until you are trying to comprehend someone talking to the birds and waiting for us to answer. And that blooming wind storm, when is it going to end. The wind blowing across those microphones sound like a hurricane. That loud mouth at the end of the hall.
Some adjustments are available today that were not there years ago that have improved our quality of hearing and listening.
Unfortunately speaking effectively has been flushed down the toilet. I am constantly telling people to slow down so I can understand what is being. I heard a female reporter today talking and I could have sworn she was auctioning off the story, she was speaking so damn fast. Another problem some if not many have is the frequency of the female voice. It really does sound like a cat that has had it tail stepped on. That is no joke. It is the frequency ( measured in hertz) that cause this.
You complain about how we respond to you as if this little piece of technology stuck in my ear replaces all of the damage done over the years from noise, sickness, infections, etc. Well it doesn't.
Now couple this major loss with the mental problems of the person you are speaking and some how we are always to blame.

Finally, (for now at least)if that persons aids are not fitted right and they came fro the VA . get that person in there right now. You do not have to wait another year to have them remolded. I have had mine remolded as much as twice a year for years . Also when making a mold be sure the person is wearing an false teeth as that can and will change the fit. And so will weight loss or gain. Strange isn't it. Losing 15# in the gut can change the ears as well.
Good luck with your handicap of speaking to people. I hope it improves.

OMG I could say to most of you I am living with the same thing, husband who is extremely deaf, does not have dementia, but is getting slow with figuring out what has been said. The worst thing is when he constantly says "huh" and if I speak up he says "I can hear, you don't have to yell at me". Oh me, Oh my some days I wish I had a sand box to sick my head in like an Ostrich!!

Many people I know of with hearing issues have one ear that is better than the other. Perhaps a small single headset would be more comfortable than hearing aids, try each ear to see which one works better. I have some hearing loss in one ear due to an airbag that went off in my face in an accident, and have an authorization to get a hearing aid which I haven't done because I can get along with paying attention to which ear works for the situation. The audiologist did recommend an aid which has a small hose that goes into the ear rather than the molded aids.

What is a DH?

corinna --
DH is "Dear Husband"
or maybe "deaf husband", considering the topic at hand.
😄

Use a "whiteboard" to communicate with her since you've exhausted all possible options.

I got hearing aids for myself last year. I couldn’t believe the difference they made to me and how much I had been missing. I’d have got them far sooner, had I realised.
When I take them out everything sounds muffled, like I have my ears stuffed with cotton wool so I wear them from the minute I wake up until I’m ready to go to sleep.
I still use subtitles on the television as I find the background music in so many programs makes the speech difficult to decipher.
Mum’s hearing is a lot worse than mine so she struggles even with her hearing aids in - although she doesn’t always realise the battery has run out, so it’s always worth checking when her hearing seems worse than usual.

I forgot to mention that difference in loss between ears. I guess some people think our ears are connect in monaural rather than stereo. It is for this reason that I only use a speaker phone, for the stereo effect of hearing.
And that thing of "turn your volume up" when it is speech that is too fast and in a bad frequency or directed toward the wall.

I know your situation well. My mom had hearing aids and would not wear them. I bought her a pocket talker online from WalMart. Cost about $50.00 and worked wonders for both of us. I highly recommend them.

Good question and wonderful responses!! I take care of my 93 year old in-laws. FIL has been hard of hearing for about 12 years and MIL just started losing her hearing 6 months ago, but it's been rapid. It does wear you down having to repeat yourself and then they still don't understand. I also have a language barrier. They are Greek and speak only Greek when they are together. They speak English, but seem to get more confused now. I will make it a point for her to be looking at me, talk slow and with a little more volumne. Thanks for all the great respones.

Ugh...this could be my Dh. He has had some hearing loss in one ear for 30 years, now he is almost completely deaf. He did have his hearing checked 30 years ago and was told nothing could help him. So now he is much worse, he still says "I HAD my hearing checked. I can't be helped!" Seriously? NO advancements have been made in 30 years??? He ignores me on top of the hearing loss, so I have to talk VERY loudly and make sure he's right in the room with me. Then he says I'm driving him crazy with constant chatter. Can't win.

All I want for Christmas is for him to have his hearing checked, and IF there isn't anything that can be done, OK, I'll deal with it. But I just cannot believe that there isn't something that can help.

I'm actually going to make him an apt with an audiologist myself and just force him to go in. He is not proactive in this and it's driving me insane.

(BTW, his mother is deaf, his sister and brother both have pretty severe losses too. His mother has aids, but rarely wears them. Brother wears one. Sister is pretty cash strapped and can't afford anything, but at least she's sweet about asking you to speak up. Hubby just growls at me to "speak more clearly". Surely the whole world doesn't mumble--as he says.