My mother is 91 and lives in an independent living. Because of trying to deal with her rudeness to others I hate taking her anywhere. Any suggestions?

For required outings (medical appointments) the best you can do is try to correct her behavior, but we cannot change other people's behaviors. It might take some time, but enough corrections might help. Then again, it might not. As others have said, those who work with the elderly are probably somewhat used to this kind of behavior. Others not so much. If she cannot contain herself, limit or eliminate non-essential outings. If she asks why, you can try to explain it and perhaps she might get it. If not, no more outings! Perhaps loudly apologizing to the person it is directed at, explaining so mom can hear, say how rude the comment(s) were - maybe she'll get the hint! My first thought was like someone suggested, having apology cards to hand out! If you did that, she might ask what it is, and you can explain how you apologize for her rudeness. But, it might be an exercise in futility to get her to change. sigh...

As others have suggested, if she was not like this previously, it might be the start of dementia. Our mother would say not nice things to us, either about one of us or someone else, but not in front of the person (filter). Now, with dementia, it is not quite contained (lack of filter.) So, it was always there, she just doesn't keep it private so much anymore. She is not very loud about it, but still, I can relate to how you feel. Pointing out someone who is on the heavy side is common for her, however she has gained 20 pounds in the year+ she has been in MC. She was already up there in weight before that! When getting bigger clothes for her, I repeated what the staff said about her clothes getting too tight. OOOO, THAT set her off! She does not even realize how big SHE has gotten!!! She is mostly okay during medical appointments now, but could get very testy during the initial stages - I just exited the exam room when she started that crap!

Luckily I did not visualize it but at my mother's 90th birthday party, she said to me "I pulled Gordon's (her nephew) shirt down because his belly was showing." ARGH! Say what?? How embarrassing for him and others who witnessed it! The minds of elders ...

You may love your mother and care about her but you are NOT OBLIGATED, under any circumstances or for whatever reasons, to put up with this. No way on earth would I allow that or accept it. Don't excuse it. Accept she is what she is. THEN STOP TAKING HER ANY PLACE. EITHER FIND A FRIEND OR HIRE SOMEONE TO TAKE HER. YOU SHOLD NOT, REPEAT, NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THIS. End of subject. Don't allow it by staying away so you are not being embarrassed and abused. Good luck and BE STRONG.

My mother also does not have a "filter" when she talks to people. It is very embarrassing. She has always been this way but now at age 92 it is constant. Her nurse, a heavyset woman, was in my mother's room and wanted to sit down and couldn't find a space except for my mother's portable commode. My mother told her she can't sit there because she would break it. My mother has no self-awareness.
We also have a volunteer who brings home-cooked meals for my mother because she couldn't stand my cooking. Rather than hear negative comments about my culinary skills, I found this wonderful volunteer to do the cooking. I asked my mother if she would like to meet her because she is a lovely person. My mother said no because she didn't like her cooking either. I decided against having her meet the volunteer because I knew she would tell her that she didn't like her food. I don't like to listen to the rude comments, but most people are very understanding and just laugh it off and say, "Your mom's a pistol."
I don't think there is much you can do to curb your mother's blunt talk.

CEP, there *may* be nothing to be done about it, but it is definitely is worth asking her doctor if anti-depressants might help. If your mother is experiencing vascular dementia, which is likely almost to the point of inevitable with her conditions, then clinical depression is a common aspect of it. My mother was not a believer in psychiatric treatments - or conditions, come to that - of any sort, but even she did eventually accept that she needed help. Citalopram, just a low dose, took the edge off her terrible, profound dread and misery - not a miracle, but better than nothing.

Thank you all for your comments. Looking at her behavior as a form of dementia has made it easier for me to accept. Hate to see her so unhappy but I need to accept that there is nothing I can do about that.

Caroli1: For the loved one's behaviors to be amenable, it would present itself to be a genius idea if it were to work. That is an interesting theory, i.e. ABA. I wonder if indeed it has been successful with people with Autism Spectrum Disorder and elderly dementia patients. I am enthralled.

Sunnygirl1: Wow, I have to say your tongue must have hurt when you had to bite it, but you were to be commended! A lot of the time an elder with dementia will be very childlike in their vocalization and mannerisms. I noticed my late mother presenting such attitudes about 4-5 years before her death at 94 years of age. She either did not engage in the conversation or i. e. when she talked on the phone to hes sister, all she had to say over and over and over again was "How's your Kia?" (automobile) I often wonder if the elder cannot or does not have the wherewithal to keep stored in their brain just a few things?

How interesting. Is there evidence that ABA has been used successfully in people with dementia? I am agog.

My late mother-"that girl in that bed is Cambodian and she won't bathe." I say "mother, you cannot go around talking about someone's culture." As soon as I said it, the nurse backed me up and GOT ANGRY AT ME BECAUSE I wasn't controlling my mother. It's not just your LO.

When you turn on the TV now a days, seems like a lot of people have no filter who are not seniors nor do they have any memory issues :P

Talk about no filters. One holiday gathering we all were waiting on a certain adult child and his family to show up, (very late as always, but, mom won't let us complain) when they arrived super late, my LO who had started with dementia, says in a matter of fact way, "WHY are you guys so late all the time?  We are STARVING!  Sunnygirl, says you do it all the time. It really irks her." lol Well........ I just smiled and served the turkey. lol

Some people just don't have any social etiquette. It seems that the older you get, the less filters you have-with or without dementia.

At the "inevitable" loud, rude comment from mother, I would mouthe "DEMENTIA" from a step behind her. Their faces of shock or offense softened to nodding forgiveness with a curt smile.
😡=😱=😉

Your mother is either very rude and inconsiderate or she has some form of dementia. Were I you and she said something horrible to someone, I would turn to her and tell her that her behavior is rude and shameful and to stop it at once. Then I would apologize to the victim.

I love the idea of a card

"Sorry my Mom has forgotten how to be polite
I hope you were not offended.
You really don't look like the back end of a horse []
Your make up does not make you look like a clown. []
You are not a fat pig, just pleasantly plump []
She's right those shorts do show more than they should []
Those breast implants must make your neck hurt []
Your baby does not look like a monkey []
Your husband does not look young enough to be your son {]
Did you really make your dress from a tablecloth? []
Were you really trying to run her over []

Now I am just being silly and should move to the caregivers behaving badly thread.

I swear I will go out with brown paper bag over my head when hubby goes on a rant.

The worst one was when we came into Toronto airport and did not realize we had to claim our luggage and clear customs there and it would not be automatically trnsferred to our US flight. After haranging every one wearing a uniform he started on the ticket agents who are mostly Indian and Pakistani immigrants. he picked one out and got in his face and said "I've got a red hot poker and I am looking for an a** h**** to stick it up. I retreated to the further corner of the building and read all the notices. To this day he denies saying it. Fortunately the gentleman did not appear to understand.

You just have to bite your lip ad apologies. You didn't say it and you have no choice about being related to her, or try duct tape over her mouth covered with a mask. "Keep away Mom has a very sore throat"

Oh dear, my Mom didn't have a filter in her own home when I tried to bring in caregivers. Mom was very bias about people who didn't resemble her.

One lovely caregiver came in to help, and Mom was wondering when the fat lady was going to leave. I looked at the caregiver and I mouthed "I'm sorry" and the caregiver put her finger to her lips [like a Librarian would do if the library got noisy]. I took the clue not to say anything to my Mom. I will always remember that.

My Mom didn't have memory issues that I could tell. She was just so bias... [sigh].

My mom couldn't contain herself when in say a restaurant she saw a plump person nearby - no way would I have then handed the person a "sorry she's demented " card but I usually mumbled something like sorry, it's hard to be old and demented

My grandmother was a classic "no filter" lady--and she had a booming voice from years in "the theatre". I took he a lot of places and she would inevitably say something horrifically rude. I got used to the eye-roll and sometimes a quick apology to the person she'd "offended". She was obsessed with overweight people--(she had been close to 300 lbs much of her life and lost a lot of weight after having a perforated ulcer and most of her stomach removed)--hence, in her 70's, 80's and 90's she was shrinking. She'd see a heavyset person and literally ask them to their face why they weren't working on slimming down. She'd harangue me about losing the "baby weight" 2 days after the baby was born. We got used to it, but I tell you, taking her places, I did a LOT of cringing and apologizing. Some people were OK with it, but she was NEVER demented, not one day of her life. She was simply rude.

As she was dying in a NH, she made me promise to tell everyone that she was now a size 6 Junior Petite. I did. What a character.

Honorable M-I-L is also 91, and has "memory issues." I honestly believe she can no longer distinguish between thinking something and saying it. No filters whatsoever.

I have to share something: I recently attended a Memory Cafe at her ALF. Residents and family members did an activity together such as simple chair yoga, talking about food memories of our youth, etc. One resident took offense at it being called a "Memory Cafe." "That's like saying we're forgetful." Then she proceeded to tell the same story to me, three consecutive times!

I feel your embarrassment. My dad is also right there. We’ve seen the doctors and have been told there’s no dementia, they only want to call it a loss of filters. He says rude things regularly out in public. He honestly thinks he’s being either helpful or funny. Those with him cringe. If we call him on it he pouts. I’ve quietly apologized to many as we leave places. I too, love the idea of a business card to hand people. I’d only hope someone wouldn’t then feel a need to come up and say it was no problem and then my dad would want to know what they were talking about, I’d be the bad guy, again! Anyway, best of luck with this, it’s not easy, and it’s most certainly no fun out in public

My mother much like 50'schild, in many ways all our lives. Last year put on anti-depressant, she is so much nicer, I can't help but think she needed this all her life and that it must have been a burden to bear being overbearing. It didn't make her perfect, but the improvement is amazing.

My mother was rude all her life, to anyone who unwittingly offended her and to her family -- by their looks, by what they triggered in Mom's deep recesses, by their existence. There was never any sense of boundary or inpropriety in her engagement of strangers. Her put-downs of others was sometimes used socially to dazzle and manipulate others, to be a queen of the party, because there was often the fact that she actually nailed some subtle descriptor of what others may have been unconscious of thinking themselves. When less offensive, I'd have to frame her behavior as "Inspired Psychic" because she could entertain and express her inner paranoias and rage like nobody. Zdar, my sibling and I got the "You look like sh$t" remark so often we're quite sure it is a normal greeting. In her last years, she was like the rabid mother in East of Eden, but also so vulnerable it made me collapse many times. Countrymouse's Dementia Friends link, which I reviewed quickly, is therapeutic and illuminating. Glad I caught your question lthis morning!

CEP, I agree about the behavior that your mom is exhibiting. I realize that she's up there in years, but, I would really suspect that there is some degree of cognitive decline that would explain her inappropriate comments, rudeness and stubbornness. I was like you when I first started to see behavior like that with my LO. I was certain that it wasn't dementia. I just thought my LO was rude, ungrateful, stubborn and even mean. But, it was the early stages of dementia. She appeared that way before her memory went. You might discuss it with her doctor. 

If that is what it is, there is really not much you can do, except manage the behavior. I would keep an extra eye on her though. You may take it that she is refusing to accept some treatments, but, it may be that she is not CAPABLE of processing the information about the treatment and following through with it. The normal mental process is disturbed and she may not be capable of tending to her own needs any longer. I might spend a full day with her to see just how well she really is coping in her IL apt.

CEP, as others say, you are dealing with dementia in word or spirit, so dig into those resources! Thanks for the link, cm! I steer my mom out of earshot of others as quickly and often as possible. When I went by yesterday morning before work, she told me I looked like sh$t (‘sorry, but yo do’) and my workplace should be ashamed if they let people come to work dressed like that! Had to share that with someone!!

Yay! - it's crossed the water :)

Here you go: dementiafriendsusa.org

Countrymouse, I am intrigued by the organization of people who train as Dementia Friends in your area. We need just ordinary folk who just want to help in so many situations.
My mom, who is quite young- not yet 70, was rooming with a roommate in rehab last week. My mom has progressive supernuclear palsy.
She told me as she glanced at her curtain partition separating the beds:
“ she was up a lot last night and they thought she messed herself. They had to ask her, and she said she just farts a lot”.
😳 The woman was right there.
Mom thought she was whispering.
I think making some of the
“Pardon the offense” cards is a stellar idea!

As my daughter, RN, says she is old so is here brain. There has to be some age related decline.

Is your mother's hearing OK? My hard-of-hearing mother sometimes says things in what she thinks is a very soft voice, but it's actually full volume.

At the AL the other day, as we were walking by another resident (in a very audible voice):
"Trixie has memory problems. She is starting to forget things. But that's okay, we understand people like her".

I'm hoping Trixie understands too.

I don't have any suggestions. Just know that you are not alone.

“Do I have as many WRINKLES as that lady?” Said very loudly in a small waiting room about an obviously younger woman. I just about DIED!!! I tried to distract, but then it came again, “No, I mean do I look as OLD as she does?” All I could do was offer a stunned look and mouth a small apology as the “old,” “wrinkled” lady quietly walked out of the room.

Little kids and little old people ... their filters are often not working at full capacity. Their blurts are embarrassing to us, but we hope that the rest of polite society will recognize their limitations and forgive them. An older person’s blurt, however, seems infinitely more embarrassing because “they should know better.” And Mom probably DID know better and kept her filter in good working condition for decades. She may be dealing with some dementia, as mentioned above. She may also just be tired. Chronic illness and chronic pain can wear a person down. Day to day life consists of managing symptoms, meeting your own basic needs, and (some days) just surviving. The pleasantries of cordial living become luxuries that just take too much mental and emotional energy. Is Mom taking anything for depression or anxiety??

If it really bothers you, have some business cards printed up. They could say something like, “Please excuse my mother’s inappropriate comment. Before her illness, she was kind and polite. I’m sure she would be mortified by her comment if she were her old self again. Have a nice day!” They are surprisingly inexpensive. You could keep them in your purse and hand them out discreetly whenever you felt it necessary.