My husband doesn't charge her rent or ask her to pay any bills. She is in our room, we sleep in my boy's room. As a female I don't have any privacy what so ever. I've talked to my husband about it but it's no use. He says she's going to stay as long as she wants. I'm fed up and it's a constant fight. I can't stand her. Even my kids don't like her. She has 2 daughters and she won't move in with them. She's in her 60s, healthy and doesn't work, cook or help around the house. What advice can you give? Need help.
I don’t think this situation will ever work itself out. Your husband is never going to listen to your feelings on this matter.
It certainly sounds like your husband is firm on catering to his mother and that he expects you and your children to abide by what he says.
You should not be expected to accept these living conditions. Speak to a divorce attorney. Close the door and don’t look back.
What an insensitive husband and father (In name only) because a man who really cared about his family wouldn’t behave as he does.
If there was a need for a couple of months i.e housing problem or others surely there was ample time to resolve that? Or question your husband why it is not resolved?
This is on him. You support this woman of 60 as she does not pay plus does not help with chores. Which means unless you are extremely wealthy some money goes to her instead of your savings for future. It is not sustainable and unhealthy for you, your marriage.
It is unhealthy for her as well, studies show aging means we should double our efforts to stay healthy. Meaning intellectual involvement, job, physical, social activities.
I think you have to go to a divorce attorney , behind hubby’s back . Find out what you need to do to protect yourself financially etc. in the likely event that you will need to go thru with the divorce . Then have him served with the papers . This may or may not get your husband to kick out his mother .
In the meantime , put your husband in a bedroom with his mother . And you and the boys taken the bigger bedroom . Don’t make your boys sleep in a room with this woman that they don’t like . Only cook , clean , and do laundry for you and your boys. Let your husband take care of him and his mothers meals etc .
If you have two full bathrooms . Same thing , you and boys in one . Husband and MIL in the other .
Grocery shopping for you and the boys only , put locks on pantry .
Frankly, I'd leave and let him decide whether to woo you back into your marriage or pay alimony and child support.
Stop toeing the line! Step out of the line.
What's next? Sonny peels grapes and feeds them to her while fanning her as she reclines on a chaise?
Your husband has some nerve putting his immediate family to this degree of discomfort to appease his mother. It suggests mental illness for both of them.
I can't imagine you've put up with this nonsense for 3 days nevermind 3 years. And to allow your sons no privacy or space of their own, forcing them to sleep with their parents?
Look into family counseling, at the minimum, for your boys sake.
And speak to a lawyer. None of this is normal or acceptable behavior on either of your parts.
Your husband has made his choice. It seems there is no marital relationship here to speak of, so that's over.
For me a room in someone's home is better than this.
How old are your children?
How old is MIL?
Because if you have young children this becomes more complicated.
You would have to go to see an attorney WITHOUT TELLING YOUR HUSBAND and get a division of assets in your account, then move with your children. And if you have children do know your MIL is likely on the "younger side of the spectrum" and has many decades left to live.
Another option is to get a job now and save your own money preparatory to moving. This both takes you out of the home other than to sleep. Don't cook for them or clean for them. Just work, perhaps two shifts, save, and get ready to move when your children are grown and able to fend for themselves.
Its time for an ultimatum that you will need to stick by. Her or me. If he picks her, then u leave but have ur ducks in a row. You are entitled to half of what is in the bank. I hope you have a job, if not get one. Even if u have to rent a hole in the wall do it. Since ur boys don't like her either, u may have to take them with u or it could be seen as abandonment. May want to consult with a lawyer.
Then, have a calm, private conversation with your husband and let him know how sad and disappointed you are that your marriage is in a death spiral and he doesn't seem to care to make it a priority, and that unless he goes to marriage counseling with you AND moves his Mom out, this marriage will come to an end. But please don't make threats you aren't willing and able to carry out.
Your MIL is selfish/sick and your husband is a groomed enabler and they have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with each other. Unless there's something you haven't told us (like his Mother has dementia or something), she is a grown woman who is perfectly able to live on her own. If it's a financial issue, there are solutions for that as well. Just not in your home. Also, your husband should not be using your communal money to finance her living expenses in any way.
I'm in favor of first making every attempt to get into counseling with him. If he won't go no matter what, then still consider it for yourself so that you get objective guidance about boundaries and where to go from there.
By chance is your husband from an immigrated family culture? Some of those expectations and traditions die hard and take at least 1 or 2 generations to disappear. You will need to help put it in its grave.
I wish you much clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you move forward with a solution.
You know the cultural excuse for why the husband and his mother are engaging in such terrible behavior is really rather thin.
It's the 21st-century and I'm assuming that the OP and her family migrated the United States, Canada, Western Europe, or maybe Australia. My point is these are not back-a$$ third-world countries where families have no choice but to be care slaves and have their homes taken over by needy senior relatives.
The mother being 60 years old does not even qualify as a senior citizen in the Unites States.
They need to throw her out quick. Get an eviction if necessary.
I hope the OP will see the light that and realize that her marriage is likely over at this point. The husband wants out and is using mommy's neediness as an excuse for why he isn't being a proper husband and a proper father to his kids.
People get over being upset. If they don't, then that's on them not you.
So here's what you do with your MIL and I'm even going to tell you word for word what to say.
Get her and your husband together (maybe talk when the kids are not home) and say the following:
'(Name of MIL) you will be moving out of my house by (time you specify). I don't care where you go and if you refuse to leave I will serve you with eviction and have the sheriff throw your things out onto the curb. In the meantime, you will be sleeping on the couch because I'm sleeping in my bedroom from now on'. This is for your MIL.
This is for your husband.
(Name of husband) One queen in a hive. One woman in a house. You will move your mother out of here by (time you specify) and you will like it.
Either you want to be a husband and father or you want to be mommy's little boy. You cannot be both. So if you don't want to lose your home, your wife, and your kids get her moved out of here by (date you specify). I will have a whole man or none at all.
Tell them both this together and she'll be moved out quick. If he decides to go with her or refuses, talk to a divorce lawyer.
Just make sure that you've gotten your ducks in somewhat of a row before you actually leave, like finances and divorce papers.
Sadly your husband apparently is a mamma's boy and he will always put her before you, so the choice is now yours. Your husband has made it quite clear who he chooses, so let the 2 of them live happily ever after by themselves, and you and your boys get on with living and enjoying your life away from them.
You can do this if you really want to. Life is short and there is no reason to stay with a man who doesn't put you and your feelings before his mothers.
It's time to say adios to them both.
I am assuming (I know that is a dangerous thing but...) that your sons are young enough that they can not move out and they would either have to move with you or stay with dad.
Since you are not a caregiver and she is not a care recipient this is a case of a "mama's boy" not cutting strings. And this does not sound like much of a marriage since your husband is not listening to you or your request, or taking your feelings into consideration.
Do you have a friend or relative that you and the kids can go stay with? Maybe even a month might get the point across. I have said before I dislike ultimatums but getting a reality check as to what it would cost him (and I do not mean just financially) Consulting with an attorney to determine what option you might have.
60"s is far to young to be not doing anything.
Do you cook for her? Clean for her? Do her laundry?
Do you work outside of the home?
Would you be willing to move out and live elsewhere?
You leave yourself, and leave the kids behind with H and MIL. It's easier to find accommodation on your own, and the kids will almost certainly make sure that things aren't peaceful in the home. You strip your marital joint bank account to give you a start in setting up on your own. You look for a job, but the money you strip will tide you over for a while. They work out who is going to cook, clean and do all the other things your won’t be doing. Leave the arguments behind, and hope that the kids make their own views very clear indeed. You see a divorce lawyer when you’ve settled in. Let DH and MIL know you will be going for half the value of the house, and hope that this stupid situation resolves without the divorce being necessary. A single week of this will make far more impact than arguments.
OR you go for unarmed warfare on the spot. Strip MIL’s bed each morning, and again each time she makes the bed. Cook enough for your family, not for her, don’t set a place for her at the table. Don’t argue, don’t discuss it with her or with husband. Keep your mouth shut, and just make it as uncomfortable for her as possible. Leave it up to DH to see the lawyer.
You work out the details of a strategy. But DO, don’t argue. They aren’t listening. Ignoring your verbal complaints is their best strategy.
It might help to discuss the strategy with your sisters in law. Make it clear that you aren’t trying to force the same situation on them. But that it may work out that way, in which case it will help them to have an agreed joint strategy, with you to backing them up as ‘totally reasonable’.
It doesn't seem like you're doing any caregiving, since your MIL is healthy and fairly young.
This sounds like a marriage problem. It sounds like your husband's first loyalty is to his mom, not you, and that he expects you to be okay with that.
Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor? Are you willing to change and be okay with her being there?
Would it be a "good enough" compromise if she took the lesser room?
If neither side is willing to meet in the middle, it might be time for him and mom to leave and find their own place together.
She could live another 30+ years, my mother is 98, do you really want to be saddled with her forever?
It is up to you as this doesn't appear to be a match made in heaven.