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She is very combative & stubborn. I am thinking about the adult diapers but I'm not sure that she will keep them on!! She will probably switch back into her pretty panties. She is young, too young for this!! She's only 65 & was an avid runner. The doctors believe she had several mini strokes which has caused her to lose her thoughts. I love her with all my heart & I just want her to be happy & healthy & I don't want to put her in a home!! Her meds were increased about 6 months ago. Since then she doesn't interact with her FB acct. & she is much calmer but she has been spitting on the floor, dumping water on the floor (we were able to correct that), and now she is wetting her pants. Thank you in advance for all your help!! Any help would be much appreciated!!

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I would buy the cutest adult incontinence underwear that you can find and replace all of her regular cute panties with the new ones.

You can explain that she needs to do this for her dignity. Nobody can tell that she is wearing these underwear but, they can absolutely see and smell that she has messed herself.

This is a deal breaker, no incontinent underwear equals going to a facility that can provide the care she needs and refuses at home, period, end of discussion, those are the only options on the table.
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I love my mother who also has dementia very very much which is precisely WHY I placed her in a very good Memory Care Assisted Living residence where an entire team of caregivers look after her 24/7. To suggest that keeping your MIL home is the only way to 'love' her requires you to rethink your thought process.

No matter what age she is now, she's had TIAs/mini strokes and her brain no longer functions properly, period. It is what it is. I worked in a Memory Care AL where we had a husband & wife doctor team residing there, engineers, and brilliant people of all kinds. Young ones, too. Disease knows no age, which is why young children get diagnosed with cancer on a daily basis. Life isn't fair.

If you're okay cleaning up accidents, having her spitting on the floor, and watching her behaviors continue to worsen, then prepare yourself for what lies ahead by educating yourself on the subject of dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos and going to Alzheimers.org. I assure you the progression is an ugly, ugly thing to witness.

Wishing you the best of luck deciding how much YOU are willing to deal with at home, and when it's time to cry Uncle.
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Mdk111280 Feb 2021
Thank you so much for all your advice & help!! I lost it after reading your response last night. She is happy but very stubborn & combative. I just don't know if I am ready to put her in an ALF. I'm afraid her condition may decline if we went that route. I worked at an ALF in the dining room for a few years & I know for sure she would be in the memory care unit & she wouldn't be able to leave her floor due to her condition. I am extremely worried I may make the wrong decision & see a rapid decline in her condition & that's the last thing I want!!
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I think you’re beginning to see that before long you won’t be able to care for your mother at home. It’s not because you’re a bad child; it’s because she needs more help than you will be able to give. Unless you’re a doctor, cleaning specialist AND can be awake 24/7 for her, you can’t keep doing this. 65 is indeed young for the problems she has, but she could live another 10, 20, 30 years. Can you keep doing this for all that time?

Stop thinking about what she used to be able to do, because that has little to do with how she is NOW. Unfortunately, the mother you knew before the strokes is no longer there.

Next? Stop viewing placement as “putting her in a home”. You’re not discarding her! Assisted living could be the best thing for her, and many on here have seen their loved ones thrive in them. Most people on here who had to place a parent didn’t ‘put them in a home’ and walk away so their parent could just die already. A good facility WANTS their residents as active as they are mentally and physically able and want families involved!

If you keep trying to do this alone, you’re actually doing a disservice to her. You’re keeping her from the care she desperately needs, so you don’t have to feel possible guilt or sadness on placing her anywhere. You will have to put your feelings aside for her safety and care. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
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She may be more compliant with Poise pads. Nobody wants to send a loved one to a facility but unfortunately sometimes that is the best option. Vascular dementia is a possibility, she needs a cognitive work up from a neurologist who looks beyond stroke prevention so you know exactly what you are dealing with and can plan accordingly.
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I agree with RealyReal, cwillie, and LoopyLoo. If the "deal breaker" action doesn't work, I am at a loss.
I would explain that it IS a deal breaker if indeed it IS a deal breaker.
You are the only one who can judge your limitations. Mine would have been met long ago and your dear MIL would be in care, with my frequent visits when able, presents, cards.
I long ago knew I would never be up to 24/7 care. I think that things are unlikely to get better. Again only you can decide.
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As always, check the simplest answer first.
That would be the physical and behavioral symptoms of a UTI.

If a rapid decline started at the onset of increased meds, re-evaluate the meds.

You can get a second opinion at this time.

Try a neuropsychiatrist.
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🙏🙏🙏
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